Episode transcript - “The story so far”

[INT: Adam is in the main church, working on getting the AV set up for Sunday Mass]

ADAM: (from a distance) Oh hey! It’s you, come on in. I’ll be with you in a sec

[SFX: Feedback sound.]

ADAM: Whoops! Testing… testing… ok all set.

[SFX: Walking over to the audience]

Hi Sorry about that! Welcome to St. Patrick’s church. I’m Adam, I run AV and like to think I’m the eyes and ears… well mostly ears of this place.

What can I tell you about the church? (laughs) Well we’ve been around for a hundred years. We’re the only Catholic Church for about 30 miles and have a dedicated parish of around 80, which also happens to be their average age (chuckles to himself) but seriously, our Priest, Father Ben, has done a lot to breathe life into this community.

You want to know more about Father Ben? Now there is some fun gossip. So get this, Ben arrived in town back in episode one… I mean about two years ago… under some mysterious circumstances. I know Margaret, our church gossip, met him during confession and was pretty skeptical. 

MARGARET: “I've been going to confession every week for the past 6 decades. It's not like I can just pick up and start with some... substitute priest. I have a certain standard of efficiency I've come to expect.”

ADAM: Other folks took to him right away, like this guy Tom who basically married into the church. Tom married Emily Walters whose Dad is a county judge and a real serious piece of work. Oh and they have a house trained pig named David.

TOM: “I mean I didn't have an issue at first. Cute pet that makes her happy, but there are actually 3 big secrets about mini pigs nobody tells you when you throw down $5,000 dollars to bring one home. Mini pigs are not cheap, mini pigs are not cuddly, and mini pigs are not mini.”

FR. BEN: Not mini? How big is the pig?

TOM: (DISGUSTED CHUCKLE) 200 pounds.

FR. BEN: Yeah that's... a lot of pig

ADAM: But anyway, you asked about Ben, so he really did a great job right away bringing people into the church. Like Bill’s daughter Shannon, who moved to the city and hadn’t been here since her mom died.

SHANNON: Look, leaving for school when I was 18 gave me the space to learn who I was. By the time I came back home for winter break and went to Christmas Eve mass it was like... you know how, if you have a cat, you sort of forget how cat pee smells? Then you come back from a long trip and you suddenly realize your whole house has smelled like cat piss this entire time and you were just numb to it.

[SFX: Shannon takes a sip of her coffee and sets it down.]

SHANNON: Well, I realized Catholicism is basically cat piss. Sorry.

ADAM: Other people he helped grow in ways some of us never thought possible, like my boss Clara.

FR. BEN: Can I ask, what you actually think you've learned?

CLARA: Don't dose children with laxatives.

ADAM: And others he pushed into changes that were inevitable, like that Judge, Joe Walter’s. Who was having an affair and was letting his pride hurt his family.

WALTERS: What do you want Father? To cut me down and have me reconsider everything I've ever done? You want to see an important man crawling on his knees? You want me to become this sensitive, gentle, subservient husband thanks to the enlightening wisdom of a young, but sage beyond his years priest?

FR. BEN: You're being sarcastic, but it might do you some good.

WALTERS: Son, it's my responsibility to be the leader of my household and part of that is to push my family, and especially my daughter, in the right direction. But don't worry Father, as I said, nobody listens to me anymore. The inmates are running the asylum now!

[MUSIC: A dissonant note creeps into the melody, over everything else, before the melody returns.]

FR. BEN: That's a revealing analogy.

ADAM: I know he sounds great right? Well nobody’s perfect… What do I mean? (Lowers his voice) Ok can you keep a secret? SO, remember how I said Ben arrived under mysterious circumstances. Turns out he was having an affair with this woman, Olivia, who was a parishioner at his last church. And she showed up in his confessional to confront him!

[SFX: The sound of a train station comes in. Crickets chirp. Train whistles blow as they run by.]

OLIVIA: I sat there on a bench with my bags, staring at this wall. I even bought you a fucking ticket because I thought you were running late. I was at that station for 7 hours, letting train after train leave, waiting for you to show. Finally, some employee kicked me out at midnight.

FR. BEN: (SIGHS) I know, I know. I should have called.

[SFX: The sound of the train station fades away. Replaced by more crickets and the sound of cars on the highway.]

OLIVIA: You think?! You know it's funny, at that point, half of me thought you'd been put in some kind of Da Vinci Code-esque Catholic jail and the other half thought I put the wrong day on my calendar or something.

FR. BEN: Catholic jail doesn't exist, Ol.

(SFX: Olivia walks up to the door of a church and knocks. The door opens. Crickets continue to chirp.)

OLIVIA: I know that, Ben.

ADAM: I KNOW! Drama. And get this, they planned to run away together and he left her waiting for him at the train station as he left town and landed here! Crazy right! What a plot twist…  Is that everything? Far from it, that’s just season one! So Olivia told Ben to F off but turned out to be living right in his town which was in Ben’s head when all of a sudden the old head Priest of St. Pats, Fr. Klem, was ready to come home after recovering from a heart attack. Klem’s near-death experience turned the rigid, devout old German man into an eccentric nihilist liability that Ben had to take care of. 

FR. KLEM: (SUDDENLY SINCERE) I saw Christ himself. He walked with me down a wooded path. Told me it wasn't my time yet and there was work yet for me to do. I've been anxiously waiting impatiently to get back and begin my service ever since.

FR. BEN: (TAKEN ABACK) Really? That doesn't really track with everything else you've said so far…

[SFX: The chorus abruptly cuts and the sounds of the driving car returns.]

FR. KLEM: OF COURSE IT DOESN'T!!

(CACKLES MANIACALLY)

I saw NOTHING Ben!! An infinite soulless black abyss. I got you though. Oh, that was good. Thank you for that.

ADAM: Even with managing all this Ben’s still running the church! He met Stacy who is troubled by her son.

STACY: (STILL CRYING) I'm sorry. I knew coming here I'd talk about this and I thought it'd be easier on me but... I'm just so ashamed.

FR. BEN: It's alright... if you'd like we can stop now and continue this another time, but we can also stay here as long as you need.

[MUSIC: The melody turns briefly sinister before fading away.]

STACY: (FIGHTING BACK TEARS, RESOLUTE) Oh, to hell with it... he's... Lord, it makes me sick to say this... my Rudy's a HEDGE FUND MANAGER.

ADAM: Shannon’s dad, Bill, bumped into Ben at Pat’s diner and got deep with him.

BILL: I know. I know, I know that's true. I'm beyond proud of my kid. She's the best. Hell, I wish I had her conviction. Took real guts walking away from the church while her mom was still here. Thought about doing the same after talking to her about her reasons, just couldn't do that to Sue.

ADAM: And Mitchell who kleptomaniac Margaret got fired in season one, and has become a bit of a chronically-stoned fast food worker.

FR. BEN: Are there any other people your age at Burger Bros? Anyone you could make friends with to help with the isolation? Some of my fondest memories from childhood come from commiserating at the Water Park with the other lifeguards.

MITCHELL: Heh. I mean, yeah, of course, there are. These two guys from another school, Chet, Travis, and I usually share a shift together. They're pretty buddy buddy and I don't get all their inside jokes, but they toke up with me by the dumpsters sometimes.

ADAM: He also was dealing with the aftermath of Judge Walter’s affair, talking to his ex wife Darla about the divorce.

DARLA: I don't know. Maybe this whole thing is my fault. I've been on autopilot for so long. Just... so unsatisfied. Maybe I drove him away.

FR. BEN: Hm, adultery is certainly a choice, Darla. But it's a choice made by the adulterers, not the victim.

DARLA: Eugh. Victim. I hate that word. You know what the messed up thing about all of this is, Father?

FR. BEN: What's that?

DARLA: I'm jealous. Sure. Of course I am. But I'm not jealous of her. I'm jealous of him. Because he's the one who had the balls to cheat first!

ADAM: After that he wound up attending a very tense thanksgiving with their whole family where Joe… well he did the divorced dad thing.

JOE: Are you seriously feeding him table scraps? No wonder it looks like such a sty around here!

TOM: David's a part of this family, Joe. We're happy to share what we have with him.

JOE: (UNSURPRISED) My God, Father, would you look at this place? They're living among LITERAL barn animals, and they wonder why I thought this jackass didn't deserve my daughter!

ADAM: Ben then helped with giving confession to a bunch of teens in a youth group our friend Clara helped run. Turns out they all had one thing in mind to confess.

JEREMY: Alright... Ok, I guess I should start from the beginning?

FR. BEN: Sure, however you want to confess.

JEREMY: So... do you know the music video for Olivia Newton John’s “Physical?” I think it came out when you were a kid.

FR. BEN: I’ve seen it, but how old do you think I am? That video came out before I was born.

JEREMY: Yeah, so they’re, they’re working out. And then they’re sweaty, and then the water, and then I… It made me feel... new things. 

FR. BEN: Yep. Sounds about right.

(UNDER HIS BREATH)

Code Blue.

ADAM: Then Ben had to help a wanna be Machiavelli realize he was actually a…machiasweetie. (Muttering) they’re really half assing the script on this one.

STEVE: My cousin Kelly, she's a sweetheart, but she's had some terrible luck when it comes to the men in her life. From one dead-end relationship to the next. Put two and two together, and those two kids might just become an item.

FR. BEN: So, let me get this straight: The only things you're confessing to are helping two people find fulfillment through their hobbies, bringing another closer to his grandmother, and setting two more up in a relationship?

ADAM: Ben made it to Christmas and gave a lovely homily, that manages to inspire while also bringing up the drama of my old boss Clara dosing a boy with laxatives back in season 1… I mean the year before.

FR. BEN: Sometimes that’s gonna look like this space tonight: flowers, garlands, and the smell of incense. And sometimes that’s going to look like Mary and Joseph: straw, donkeys, and well, poop.

ADAM: Through all this, you can imagine a lot was going through Ben’s head that needed to be tidily wrapped up… so he bribed Klem with donuts to take HIS confession. Klem even gave him some good advice!

FR. KLEM: Ben, I live with you in that house across the street and you expect me not to pick up on your mood? Trust me, I've tried to ignore you and sprint toward my own black hole of death, but I know moping when I see it.

FR. BEN: This isn't moping... it's—I think I'm just not doing right by these people.

ADAM: Over the next year Ben met a bunch of people who were so interesting they could have had their own podcasts!

THE INTERVIEWER: Alvina swears that she had the right one written down in the case files, but who’s got time to read all of that? I find paperwork to be dreadful, and that I’m fully capable of doing all the research I need by simply speaking with our potential clients. Recently, for example, the heartbreaking story of these two ill fated kids painted such a clear picture in my mind of their violent deaths!

[SFX: There’s another awkward beat of silence between them. Fr. Ben is getting increasingly uncomfortable with the situation.]

THE INTERVIEWER: Now, I love a root vegetable as much as the next man. I even hold a world record in a potato peeling contest, if you’d believe it. But a whole festival dedicated to the lumpy things? Ugh. Give me an unlimited tray of sweets over savory any day.

FR. BEN: Things got pretty ugly over there this year, didn’t they?

THE INTERVIEWER: That they did.

ROOT: The look on my father’s face that day? On the day he died by firing squad? It was priceless, and if I hadn’t been there to witness it, I don’t know if I’d ever have accomplished as much as I have in this lifetime.

FR. BEN: That’s an incredibly cynical way to make your way through the world

ROOT: Oh, perhaps. But it’s a powerful one, as well.

GRAHAM/JOSHUA: We had an insider, a jellyfish farmer, who would have the opportunity - very briefly - to contaminate one of the pressurized tubes, and by extension the jellyfish inside.

FR. BEN: To contaminate... with your weaponized heartburn?

GRAHAM/JOSHUA: Which I knew would only be consumed by this small group of elites. At which point their own digestive systems began to systematically attack the rest of their bodies.

ADAM: He celebrated some holidays. Like thanksgiving again, where he went home to see his mom and brother who happens to be in this pretty successful black metal band. Which band? I don’t know if I can say it in the church…

FR. BEN: I highly doubt the Pope is planning to host Satan’s Gooch.

ALEX: Ha! Like we’d perform for grandpa virtue signals anyway. No, not the Vatican, the Baddican. It’s a new venue started by this group of Italian metalheads.

FR. BEN: (flatly) Sounds lovely.

ALEX: They’re a wild bunch from what I heard. Throwing handfuls of black pepper, pecorino and bucatini into the crowd and get this… they call it Moshio e pepe.

ADAM: Alright now I gotta fill you in on the latest drama, I mean important church details.. So you know how Fr. Klem almost died from a heart attack from participating in a donut eating contest? Well the church was shameless enough to bring it back anyway and lo and behold there was another disaster. 

FR. BEN: No… Who’s that running… Mitchell?

MITCHELL: FIRE!!!! THERE’S A FIRE!!! CALL 911!!!!

ADAM: Did the church burn down? No no, just this lounge the church men’s club, The Armada of Amerigo, had so they had a place to smoke cigars indoors and be openly bigoted. Anyway Roger, the so-called “Admiral” of the Armada, and his assistant Brett were NOT happy.

FR. BEN: I’m sorry for the oversight, and again so sorry for what happened. I know how much that space meant to your community.

ROGER: We appreciate that Father and look forward to rebuilding.

FR. BEN: I know you’re a resilient bunch and wouldn’t expect anything less.

ROGER: With… that in mind… I think it’s only appropriate for a… redirection… of today’s fundraising.

FR. BEN: (laughs in shock) Wait, what?

ROGER: I’m sure everyone here would agree this is the most urgent cause facing our ministry now.

FR. BEN: You want us to use funds that were raised… for our food pantry… which feeds hungry people… to repair your lounge?

ADAM: Remember Olivia? Well she’s still living in town, working for that local PI, Susan J Tubbles. The one with a parrot secretary. And you’ll never guess who they put on the case.

SUSAN: Now let’s get to it. I’m starting to lose feeling in my feet just standing around out here.

ROGER: Understood. Well, let’s walk over by the building. 

[SFX: The group begins to move together.]

ROGER: Like I mentioned over the phone, whoever the sicko was, they did a phenomenal job cleaning up their tracks. Nobody, the police, the fire department, even our idiot boy priest, buys this as anything but an oil fire accident.

OLIVIA: And what makes you think differently?

ROGER: That’s a great way to put it, actually. I think differently. I have a clear view of this community from my pedestal as Supreme Admiral, and one thing is for certain, that even Brett here can’t deny.

OLIVIA: And what’s that?

BRETT: That the leftist, cancel culture SJWs that are slowly taking over this community cannot stand that there is a strong traditional men’s organization serving as the foundation of this church.

ADAM: That’s right, we did a whole mystery last season! What? Oh please you know this is a podcast and I’m out of creative ways to casually break the fourth wall. Anyway, while Olivia is getting ready to investigate half the damn town, Father Ben is still priesting the heck out of the confessional. Starting with Enzo, who’s feeling guilty because his mom is being all judgemental from beyond the grave.

FR. BEN: Why don’t you? Ask her, I mean? I’m sure she’d love to share those practices with you and your husband.

ENZO: I’d love to, but unless you know any mediums, I’m stuck with flickering candles and slamming cabinets.

FR. BEN: A medium?

ENZO: She’s been hiding my keys too. Probably trying to tell me that I’m working too much.

FR. BEN: Wait… wait, wait, wait. I’m sorry, I uh… I thought you said that she was living with—

ENZO: Oh! Yeah, right, yes. Sorry. No, she’s dead. Like, for sure. Buried her myself. Well, not myself, I was just there, I watched— Like, like the funeral, the lowering of the casket— (nervous laugh) Sorry, I’m... I’m rambling. Am I making any sense?

ADAM: After that we see Olivia and Susan shaking down potential arsonists at a pancake breakfast. Including our old pal Mitchell.

LISA: (concerned) What on earth have you done now?

MITCHELL: Nothing, mom! I swear!

OLIVIA: Look, I’m not here to accuse anybody of anything. I’d just love to hear a bit more about what you were doing before you realized the A of A was in flames?

MITCHELL: (awkward) Well, see, that… that’s the thing…

LISA: (scary mom voice) Mitchell Duncan Clark.

MITCHELL: I wasn’t doing anything illegal! Not even blazing, mom. I swear.

ADAM: While Olivia caused friction over flapjacks, Father Ben counseled a couple through some pre-wedding waffling.

LIZZIE: (ignoring him) Do you want me to say it? Will it really make you feel better if I just say that, yes, my family’s kind of fucked up? That we like our liquor poured just a bit too heavily or that we crack a beer open just a bit too early in the morning? That the verbal abuse is constant and that the only way to survive is to just buck up and hurl it right back alongside them?

FR. BEN: Now, hang on for a minute, I think we’re getting a little far away from a productive, conducive space—

JACOB: I mean, frankly, yes. I would.

ADAM: Ben then goes from a concerned couple to an overly concerned citizen named Wade who’s been blocking children from using a playground until the permits are all finalized.

FR. BEN: You like tradition. Think about the older version of the Lord’s Prayer. Forgive us our trespasses… 

WADE: …as we forgive those…

WADE & FR. BEN: …who trespass against us. 

WADE: I never thought that could be taken so…literally.

ADAM: I know, I know all this back and forth between Olivia and Ben this season. Crazy! Well this is nice and simple as we took a detour into the mind of a cat. 

SEBASTIAN: Now, some cats in my position, if they’d just heard what I did, might surrender to fear and move on from their sure thing. They might say that I’ve spent all this time worrying about cloying Clara sending me to the town’s only shelter, which is decidedly not of the no-kill variety, when egotistical PAT was right there spouting off the same threats. But Pat? He’s all piss, no vinegar if you catch my drift. Just as there have been other Lyles and Sebastians in Gayle’s lonely life, there have been other Pats. And there will be more still. And I, my friend, will outlast them all.

ADAM: He’s a real piece of work, but what cat isn’t! Ben then takes a trip out to the orchard, to hang with Luke, Sydney, Tom and Emily. A rare chance for Ben to socialize with people his own age which turned out totally normal and didn’t present a weird dynamic seeing as he’s their priest. Kinda like the boss hanging out with his staff but the CEO he reports to is god and the job is being a person?

SYDNEY: When you say it that way? It really is…

FR. BEN: (sad chuckle) Would you look at that? Even when I try my level best to take a night off from the cloth, I find myself in facilitation mode. (deep breath) I told Klem that coming out here to spend the evening with all of you didn’t feel right, but he wouldn’t hear it. Insisted it’d do me some good to put away my bible for once, and yet here I am, making a nice Friday night among friends all about G-O-D. It figures, though, I’ve never really been cut out for hanging around with folks my own age, even when I was a kid…

EMILY: That’s nonsense, Father, we love having you around.

TOM: And if you think about it, I’m the reason we went down this rabbit hole in the first place, not you!

FR. BEN: (clearly bummed out) It’s alright, you two. I’m used to it. 

ADAM: What? The arson? What’s going on with the arson you ask? Oh well Olivia is digging in! after getting in an argument with the Armada of Amerigo jerks at their conversion van dealership she ends up interviewing Lexi, the woman Old Judge Walters left his wife for. 

LEXI: I went back inside and checked the oil temp, 350 degrees. Perfectly safe. I even remember turning the heat on the burner down. I ran across the parking lot and placed them on the table and couldn't have been gone for more than like 60 seconds. I come back, the whole damn place is on fire.

OLIVIA: That makes no sense.

LEXI: You’re telling me, but then again I’ve been in the donut game long enough to know better than to mess around with oil. So, I’m just relieved nobody was hurt.

OLIVIA: It just doesn’t add up. 

LEXI: I thought the same thing. I tried to convince myself that maybe I messed up, but if I’m honest, I’m way too good in a kitchen to let something like that happen.

OLIVIA: Thank you, Lexi.

LEXI: For what?

OLIVIA: For talking to me.

LEXI: Oh please, honestly it’s nice to talk to somebody who isn’t here to judge me about the judge.

ADAM: Olivia then continues talking to the Walters family. Meeting up with Joe and Darla’s daughter, Emily at Pat’s diner.Their chat makes her realize just how much damage working for Roger and Brett is doing. Regardless of how badly she wants to solve the case…

EMILY: So, what? You’re gonna just keep working at this then, taking your pay from Roger, shaking down whoever he deems morally questionable?

OLIVIA: For better or worse, I’m going to finish what I started.

EMILY: (rustling out of the booth) Well, thanks for dinner. I’m thinking it’s time for me to head out.

ADAM: While that’s going on Ben helps Margaret move a bed while she and Fr. Klem gossip.

FR. KLEM: (scandalized) If you’re so certain it was arson, who do you think’s the culprit?

MARGARET: Are you kidding me? You really have no idea?

[SFX: There is a loud clatter in the background as part of the wooden sideboard hits the floor.]

MARGARET: BENJAMIN! BE CAREFUL IN THERE!

FR. BEN: (sarcastic) I’m fine, thanks for asking! You know, this would be a lot easier if I had a little help…

FR. KLEM: I’m sure you’re doing just fine! (quietly again) C’mon, Margie, the suspense is killing me.

ADAM: Despite Emily’s warnings Olivia can’t let the case go but with leads drying up… Roger, ever the impatient blowhard, makes the decision for Olivia and causes a scene in the St. Patrick's parking lot and you’ll never guess who overhears.

ROGER: I am closing the case. We are DONE. You will not be seeing a cent of your final invoice. You two bitches are such fucking scum I sincerely hope that your business folds—

OLIVIA: Get bent, you Napoleonic puddle of dogshit.

ROGER: I am the SUPREME ADMIRAL of this building. You really need to learn to watch who the hell you’re talking to.

FR. BEN: What in the name of God is going on out here! Roger, I can hear you yelling at these two from inside the church while I’m giving confession.

ADAM: As you probably expect this leads to a scuffle and a really lovely moment where Olivia punches Roger in the face. Anyway while Olivia iced her hand she and Ben buried the hatchet.

FR. BEN: Gotcha. Yeah, well, thanks again for punching Roger in the face for me.

OLIVIA: It was truly my pleasure. Also, while I definitely need to find people in my life to talk to aside from my ordained ex-lover, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t helpful, so thank you.

FR. BEN: Was helpful for me too.

OLIVIA: By the way, did you hear that Luke and Sydney moved to town? 

FR. BEN: Yeah, they actually come to the church.

OLIVIA: Ah, that makes sense. I guess I’m the only one who became a total heathen once I left Binghamton. Anyway, I bumped into them the other day. We’re getting dinner next week. You should tag along.

FR. BEN: Olivia, I appreciate it, but I really don’t want to impose on your…

OLIVIA: Ben, I’m past it. We’re never going to be what we were and, hell, I don’t even know if I trust you enough to call you a friend, but I’m in a place where we can at least be friendly, and we both clearly need to get out more. What do you say?

ADAM: And we made it! You’re up to date! What? Who burned down the building? Well let’s just say a certain Vice Admiral was up to no good.

FR. BEN: So… to make sure I’m clear: you thought it made more sense to commit arson and what sounds like insurance fraud rather than opening yourselves up to other people?

BRETT: I don’t think we’re the first people to choose to die and rise again in the face of persecution.

FR. BEN: You’re really going to use that line in the middle of a church.

ADAM: It turns out Brett burned down the church and since he told Ben in confession he can’t do anything about it! Crazy right? And now the Armada has gotten louder and more powerful.

FR. BEN: That’s really twisted, Brett.

BRETT: Gotta crack some eggs to make an omelet!

FR. BEN: Rarely a heartening phrase to hear during a confession.

BRETT: I know, I know. But it was effective. We’re up to twenty members! Actually growing. People do not like that there is a conspiracy afoot and want somewhere to point the fingers.

FR. BEN: That is one of the…

BRETT: That is a miracle, Father. And one that was inspired by you. We have a growing community of men who are united in their faith both in Christ and in some light conspiracies, not to mention a new state-of-the-art lounge with a built in HD projection wall, improved central air for the summer days, and (gets emotional) two bowling lanes!

ADAM: Ben’s in a tough spot! Friends again with the woman he almost left the priesthood for, a toxic conservative organization out to get him, and a community that needs him despite the chaos. Exciting stuff! 

So… I have to ask…. Did I convince you to come join us at St. Pat’s? Great! Can’t wait to see you at the season four premiere! 

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to gaffer tape these cables or Fr. Klem is going to faceplant again. Bye for now!