Episode transcript - “FORGIVE Colette: The Kingmaker Histories Crossover”

[SFX: Colette approaches the confessional and takes a second to psych herself up before entering.]

COLETTE: Alright, Colette. You’re calm. You’re normal. You’re not going to blow up anybody with your mind today.

[SFX: She exhales and takes a seat in the confessional.]

FR. BEN: In the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy spirit.

COLETTE: (overlapping him but slightly delayed) In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit… Forgive me father for I have sinned. It’s been uh….uhhhh…. (indistinctly counting on her fingers) …What year is it?

FR. BEN: Uh… 2023?

COLETTE: Yeah, it’s been a while since my last confession. Please don’t ask me exactly how long. I don’t know.

[SFX: She starts tapping her feet, fidgeting.]

FR. BEN: Alright, so, right off the bat, it sounds like you’re pretty stressed out. Do you wanna maybe take a second?

COLETTE: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

[SFX: Colette continues to fidget, taking a few breaths to center herself.]

FR. BEN: You alright?

COLETTE: Yep, I’m good.

FR. BEN: Before we start, could I ask you to turn your phone off, please? I can see the light coming through the screen.

COLETTE: There’s not a telephone in here. Where would I even plug it into the wall? That light’s just from my…earrings.

FR. BEN: (a little weirded out) Okay. So, what’s been troubling you?

COLETTE: (deep breath) Father…I think I might be a bad person.

FR. BEN: That's something I hear fairly often in this booth. Personally I don’t think the concept of a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ person is all that helpful. We’re all God’s children, even when we inevitably sin. The important thing is you’re here talking about it.

COLETTE: Oh, that’s good…I’ve done something right, I guess. I have good intentions, I really, really do. I think. Most of the time I do. But when I’m under pressure, which is like…almost all the time, I feel like I make bad decisions. And I enable other people’s bad decisions. I know that’s not my fault, I mean, it’s not like I’m the one directly doing the robbing or the safe-cracking or holding people at gunpoint- (flustered) I didn’t say gunpoint! I said something else!

FR. BEN: …I think I’m gonna need a little context for that last part.

COLETTE: Okay, okay, so…how to phrase this…I have these friends. Coworkers. (cautiously) Friends? We have a transit van and we operate a…let’s call it a ‘freelance courier service’.

FR. BEN: Sounds to me like you have some pretty complex feelings towards your job.

COLETTE: Well, yes and no. It definitely beats my last one. And I like the guys I work with. But they’re definitely not… (she struggles)

FR. BEN: Not?

COLETTE: (carefully) Not…getting into heaven?

FR. BEN: Ah. I see. So, you feel like your new job and your new friends are making you compromise your morals.

COLETTE: Exactly! Not that I wasn’t entirely innocent beforehand… Granted, a lot of the things that are wrong with me probably stem from the fact that a witch put a curse on me on the day I was born and now there’s a magic rock in my brain.

FR. BEN: Alright, so…this is a safe place, and I am asking this without judgement, but…have you taken anything?

COLETTE: Like what, like drugs? Well, I took some laudanum and a shot of wizard oil earlier, but I’m not on anything serious. But to go back to what I was saying, father- I think my biggest problem is I’m easily corrupted. I let people have too much sway over me.

FR. BEN: (understanding) Your coworkers pressure you into taking the, uh, wizard oil?

COLETTE: What? No. That was just because I had a stomach cramp. But I do feel like the guys gang up on me a lot on other things. I have to do the laundry, I have to clean the inside of the van, I have to be the decoy…It gets frustrating, you know?

FR. BEN: Do you feel like they’re bad friends?

COLETTE: No. No, not at all. These guys are more like my family than my actual family. They’ve literally saved my life, multiple times. And maybe that’s why I don’t want to disappoint them, so I just go along with whatever stupid scheme they ask me to do. And more often than not it ends up with me getting thrown in a hole or covered in horse blood.

FR. BEN: (off ‘horse blood’) Alright, not stopping to unpack that…What it sounds like to me is that you’re really not a bad person at all, you just lack confidence. Sticking to your principles and your boundaries can be difficult, but it’s the right thing to do. And if your friends really care about you, they’ll be able to compromise.

COLETTE: You’re right! You’re right, father. Alright, I’m gonna make a promise to myself, I’m going to demand I be respected. Starting right now. (to herself) I’m gonna walk out of this booth, go straight to the sacristy, and I’m gonna look Eisen and Telesphore right in the eyes and say “We are not robbing this church anymore!”

FR. BEN: I’m sorry, “robbing this church”?

COLETTE: I didn’t- uh- (floundering) I meant it as a metaphor!

[SFX: She runs away.]

FR. BEN: Hey, wait, come back!

[SFX: He follows after her.]

[SFX: Scene fades in- the sounds of Eisen and Telesphore rifling through holy relics.]

TELESPHORE: Here, Eisen- I think this bottle looks like the holy oil from the spellbook, don’t you?

EISEN: If it’s not the exact type it’s close enough. Hopefully we only need a couple drops of this baby to finish the charm and get us back to 1911. But we’ll take it all, just in case.

[SFX: Telesphore picks something up.]

TELESPHORE: …Do you think this goblet would be worth anything back home?

EISEN: Hard to say… (thoughtful) Maybe we could sell it as a reverse antique.

[SFX: Colette runs up to them.]

COLETTE: Guys, I’m calling it off, we’re not robbing the church anymore!

TELESPHORE: Is that the priest chasing after you?

EISEN: (groans) Damn it, Colette, you had one job!

COLETTE: I know, and I screwed it up. I’m sorry. But I’m putting my foot down! We are not stealing from a house of the lord! Isn’t that right, father…?

FR. BEN: Father Ben. Hey, uh, what’s that in your hair?

COLETTE: Magic rock. (she turns to look at him for the first time) Ohh, you’re one of those young, good-looking priests. If we’d had a teacher that looked like you when I was at St. Rita’s we would’ve torn him limb from limb. (flirty) …I’m Colette, by the way.

FR. BEN: And I’m guessing these are your friends?

TELESPHORE: Oh, she told you about us?

FR. BEN: She did, and she told me that you’re not always the best influences.

COLETTE: And I’m right! Admit it!

EISEN: Sweetheart, come on. I know you’re committed to your morals, and I respect that about you, I really do, but let’s not make wild dogs out of mantelopes here. You don’t wanna be stuck in 21st century America forever, do you?

FR. BEN: Sorry, wild dogs out of what?

TELESPHORE: …Do you not know what a mantelope is?

EISEN: (to Telesphore) Telsie…do you think maybe they’re extinct in the future?

FR. BEN: I feel like I’m losing my mind.

[SFX: Klem walks in, hot drink in hand.]

FR. KLEM: Ben, my boy, I hope you weren’t going to ask me for a cup of coffee because we’re officially down to the last-

[SFX: He drops his coffee.]

FR. KLEM: Oh, mein gott! Don’t surprise an old man like that! Benji, who the hell are they?

EISEN: Who the hell are you?

FR. KLEM: It’s a church, I’m a priest, I’m sure you can put two and two together.

[SFX: Eisen raises his wrench defensively.]

COLETTE: Eisen, don’t you dare! You can not hit another priest with your pipe wrench.

FR. BEN: Another???

FR. KLEM: Oh. Ohhh, I see what’s happening here. Her with the crystal stuck in her head, him with the metal magic, the big fella over here with the glowing eyes… (laughs wryly) You’re Valorians, ist das nicht richtig?

COLETTE: Ja, wir sind!

FR. BEN: Klem, you know these people?

FR. KLEM: Not personally, but I recognise the type. Every so often, you meet a few back in the old country. They beat us in the world cup a few years back, even. You know the Valorian Socialist Republic, Ben?

FR. BEN: Gotta admit, it doesn’t really ring a bell.

FR. KLEM: It’s a little splinter on the map between France and Germany, south of Luxembourg, north of Switzerland… Creepy-crawly, hocus-pocus capital of Western Europe, and that’s saying something. That’s where your new friends are from. You really gotta brush up on your geography, kid.

FR. BEN: Right, right. So, Colette- you and, uh-

EISEN: Eisen.

TELESPHORE: Telesphore.

FR. BEN: You, Eisen and Telesphore are from Western Europe…

COLETTE: Uh-huh.

FR. BEN: Well…Welcome to St. Patrick’s….I guess. And, uh, what day was it when you left home?

TELESPHORE: I believe it was May 26th, 1911.

FR. BEN: And now that you’re all here, you have to rob the vestry, because…?

EISEN: -Because I was working on a cloaking mechanism for our van and it worked a little too well. So now I have to take it all apart, reverse the sigil I designed for it, and re-route the charge, but to do that I need to enchant the gears with a potion that I’ve got every ingredient for except for consecrated oil. Hence, robbing the vestry.

FR. BEN: Okay. Klem, did you understand any of that?

FR. KLEM: About every second word or so, ja.

COLETTE: I’m gonna say what I said before we came in here, Eisen- you could’ve tried buying it at a store.

EISEN: (annoyed) We tried that, and it didn’t work, because even if I had any dollars on me, which I don’t, nowhere accepts cash in the future! They all use these daft wee cards and I don’t know where to get one!

TELESPHORE: Darling, I know we’re all stressed, but please don’t take it out on Colette. She’s doing her best.

FR. BEN: Gonna have to agree with Telesphore here, Eisen. I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of stress you’re under- Lord knows I’d be freaking out too if I somehow accidentally drove my car a century into the future- but we’re not going to get anywhere unless we calm down.

EISEN: (angry) Who says I’m not calm?

TELESPHORE: (calmly) You’re still holding the pipe wrench, my love.

[SFX: He takes a deep breath and puts the wrench down.]

EISEN: Alright. (carefully) Father Ben, Father Klem, can I please steal this bottle of holy oil, for my potions?

COLETTE: See, you could’ve just done that in the first place.

EISEN: Could’ve, should’ve, didn’t. Doesn’t matter now.

TELESPHORE: In his defence, we don’t historically have good luck when interacting with Catholic priests. (to Klem and Ben) Though having now spoken to you, you both seem very charming.

FR. BEN: And I’m sure you’re all very nice people as well, if you look past the stealing and lying.

TELESPHORE: We do have our moments.

FR. KLEM: Eh, I say we ought to let ‘em have it, Benji. It’s all just for pageantry anyway- We could replace the chrism with regular olive oil. I doubt the kids getting their confirmation would even notice.

EISEN: (relieved) Now that is what I like to hear.

COLETTE: I feel like we need to do something for you in return, Fathers. Just as an apology for all the commotion we’ve caused.

FR. BEN: Colette, you don’t have to worry about-

FR. KLEM: Deal. You can start with replacing the mug you made me drop.

TELESPHORE: I think I can do you one better. I heard you saying you were out of coffee beans earlier. Well, I happen to have a coffee grinder and a shipment of dark roast Viennese coffee beans in the van.

FR. KLEM: Ah, you’re a man after my own heart! A Viennese coffee would be heavenly with some of Lexi’s chocolate glazed donuts.

[SFX: Scene fades in- a little later, inside the back of the Iyer and Winterlich van. Eisen’s tinkering with a clockwork contraption.]

EISEN: Alright, that should do it. Everyone cross your fingers.

COLETTE: Maybe we should get the priests back here to say a prayer over it.

[SFX: Eisen fires up the mechanism. He cheers.]

EISEN: No need, Colette, I’ve finally got it! Iyer and Winterlich are back in business!

TELESPHORE: I knew you could do it.

[SFX: Knocking on the back of the van. Colette opens the door.]

COLETTE: Hey, Fathers. You’re back just in time, I think Eisen’s got the thing working.

FR. BEN: (off the van) Woah, you’ve got a lot of space in here…(to Colette) We’d just like to thank you for the coffee, again. I looked it up online and the beans you gave us for the kitchenette are a variety that went extinct in the 60’s. I just thought you should know that. It ended up being a very valuable gift.

COLETTE: (impressed) Wow, really? (beat, then, sadly-) Sucks for those coffee plants, though…

FR. KLEM: We also brought you some more of Lexi’s donuts for the road.

TELESPHORE: Oh, Klem, you’re a saint. (swooping in to take the box of donuts) I’ll be taking those, thank you.

[SFX: timey wimey steampunk magitek sounds that continue under the rest of the scene.]

EISEN: (on the other side of the room) That’s the way! Perfect temporal decompression! I’d like to see Jesus do that!

TELESPHORE: Eisen says thank you as well. Alright, what do we say, gentlemen, shall we set off?

EISEN: I’m ready when you are, Telsie.

COLETTE: Take us home.

[SFX: Telsie starting the van up.]

FR. KLEM: Have a safe trip, you crazy kids. As safe as you possibly can, anyway.

FR. BEN: God be with you.

FR. KLEM: (to Ben) With what decade they’re headed back to? (chuckles darkly) They’re definitely gonna need him!

COLETTE: (mildly concerned)…What?

[SFX: Before Klem can spoil WW1 for them, the van is zapped back to the past.]

FR. BEN: Jeez, Klem…that was a little cruel, don’t you think?

FR. KLEM: I didn’t think they’d hear me over the engine. What would you have me do instead, give them a proper warning? (scoffs) I’ve seen enough sci-fi movies to know how badly that could end.

FR. BEN: Fair enough, I guess.

[SFX: They walk back towards the church.]

FR. BEN: Hey, Klem?

FR. KLEM: Ja, Benji?

FR. BEN: You ever heard of a…manto…mante…?

FR. KLEM: Mantelope?

FR. BEN: Yeah, that was it.

FR. KLEM: Oh, you know, it’s kind of a dinosaur, kind of a wolf, about this tall, with green fur and big long, spiky arms…You’ve never seen one at the zoo?

FR. BEN: I definitely think I’d have remembered if I did.

[MUSIC: Forgive Me! credits music plays.]

ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. The Kingmaker Histories is a Meg Molloy Tuten production. This episode was written by Meg Molloy Tuten and directed by Jack Marone and Bob Raymonda.

Here’s our cast in order of appearance:

Blythe Renay as Colette

Casey Callaghan as Fr. Ben

Josh Rubino as Telesphore

Taqi Nazeer as Eisen

Josh Rubino as Fr. Klem

Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda.

Sound design, score, and mixing by Adam Raymonda.

All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.

This crossover special would not be possible without our Executive Producer, Curtis Dibrell Jr.

Find out what we’re up to by following @forgivemeshow on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

Have you abandoned social media in favor of greener and saner pastures? You can still keep up with all things Rogue Dialogue by signing up for Bob’s new newsletter Bobby’s Snacks, where they’re writing their famous #AudioDramaSunday threads. Visit the link in our shownotes to sign up today!