Episode transcript - “Confessions With Klem: ROGER”

[SFX: The curtain to the confession opens and closes again as Caitlin sits.]

ROGER: (Sighs) Forgive Me father for I have sinned it’s be

FR. KLEM: Roger! You Arschgeige! The nerve you have to show up here!

ROGER: I know, father.

FR. KLEM: You absolute Kotzbrocken! To punch a holy man, to harass those women. 

ROGER: Well yes… that’s why I’m here.

FR. KLEM: Well!... Good, that makes sense. First sensible thing I’ve seen you do in weeks you arsch mit ohren.

ROGER: What does that one mean?

FR. KLEM: I called you a “butt with ears”. Any objections?

ROGER: I mean I don’t think it’s very appropriate for a confessional…

FR. KLEM: (Interrupting) None? Excellent. What would you like to confess?

ROGER: I hit the priest. 

FR. KLEM: You certainly did. What else?

ROGER: I was rude to those horrible women…

FR. KLEM: And I see you haven’t learned a thing.

ROGER: What?! They are horrible.

FR. KLEM: So you’ve said. Very Christlike of you as always Roger.

ROGER: When did they get to you too father? We always respected you!

FR. KLEM: Who? Father Ben? Ha! My boy I haven’t changed a wink in 30 years, meanwhile I’ve watched your head inch further and further up your own ass every Sunday in the same amount of time.

ROGER: You little piece of..

FR. KLEM: He hits a priest and comes back the next day to curse out another… that sounds like an open and shut case of excommunication to me.

ROGER: You wouldn’t… 

FR. KLEM: Do I seem like the type of person who really has much to lose? I’m kicking the bucket someday and I might as well leave this community with a little less hate in it.

ROGER: (inhales sharply, defensively) Alright! (Calmly, putting on a air of control) alright… listen, Father Klem, I apologize for my… impassioned tone.

FR. KLEM: That’s a good man. So you were saying you're sorry for hitting Benji and for being cruel to those kind women.

ROGER: Well I… yes I am sorry about that.

FR. KLEM: And you certainly feel sorry for your treatment of this community as a whole, running your little witch trial… don’t you?

ROGER: Yes…

FR. KLEM: And in particular you must feel awful about your abuse of the Walters family and young Emily in particular?

ROGER: (white knuckling it) I do.

FR. KLEM: To the point, I assume you agree.

ROGER: With what?

FR. KLEM: That you are a butt with ears.

ROGER: What?

FR. KLEM: Say it. Say you are a butt with ears.

ROGER: I will not!

FR. KLEM: Say it you Admiralness!!

ROGER: I… am a butt…(sighs) with ears.

FR. KLEM: Very good. Now for penance.

ROGER: That wasn’t penance?

FR. KLEM: I wouldn’t say so.

ROGER: What then?

FR. KLEM: I think for a unique man like you we need a unique penance. I know you’re planning things Roger Alito… you and that little club of yours. And you’re going to just… fill me in.

ROGER: Are you blackmailing me into being an informant for you and Ben in my armada?

FR. KLEM: Oh no, not Benji, he’s far too gentle to handle an arrangement like this. I think we can keep this between us. Oh and yes, I’m obviously blackmailing you… a little slow on the uptake there, eh Rog?

ROGER: You’re unbelievable.

FR. KLEM: But we have a deal, (sweetly) don’t we?

ROGER: Yes of course.

FR. KLEM: Wonderful! Let’s say that little prayer of absolution and get you on your way. I know you have a conference call with the Bishop later this week and I can’t wait to hear all about it.

ROGER: (Sighs) fine.