Episode transcript - “around the town: seriously?!”

[SFX: Jenna comes downstairs and sits on the couch between Shannon and Bill. Wilderness sounds come out of the TV in the corner, broken up by overly intense occasional elevator music, which plays throughout.]

JENNA: Should I even bother to ask what we’re watching tonight?

SHANNON, BILL: (SIMULTANEOUS) Isolated.

JENNA: (deep sigh) Yeah, that’s what I figured.

SHANNON: Do you have a better suggestion?

JENNA: I mean, I heard there’s a new season of Hide & Go Seek with Jane Lynch that’s supposed to be pretty fun—

BILL: Nope. Can’t stand competition shows.

JENNA: Isn’t this a competition show?

SHANNON: I mean, sure, if you want to be obtuse about it.

JENNA: You mean there isn’t a one hundred thousand dollar prize for the person who makes it the longest?

BILL: That’s semantics, honey. Sure there is, but that isn’t what Isolated is really all about.

SHANNON: These people. These warriors, they’re putting themselves to the absolute test. Being left totally alone, out in the wilderness, with nothing but a pack on their back containing a small list of pre-approved tools, and forced to fend for themselves against the elements for as long as humanly possible. They build shelters. They hunt and forage for all of their food. They’re legendary.

JENNA: In order to win a hundred thousand dollars.

BILL: No! The money is secondary, they’re really just there to see if they have what it takes to live the way our ancestors had to. That’s admirable as hell, if you ask me. 

JENNA: Pretty sure our ancestors didn’t surround themselves with GoPro’s and narrate their every single move to be broadcast on television.

SHANNON: We can watch your show after this is over, babe.

JENNA: How much time is left?

[SFX: Bill pauses the TV for a moment, then presses play again quickly after.]

BILL: About 75 more minutes.

JENNA: Jesus Christ. That’s a lot of show.

SHANNON: Remind me how long the episodes are of Lust Archipelago again?

JENNA: (grumbles) Alright.

[SFX: There’s a brief pause where no one says anything. Jenna paws at her cell phone, playing a game. There’s no narration on the TV. We just hear random nature sounds. Maybe the sound of a bow and arrow, but the arrow misses.]

BILL: Damn, that was a close one.

SHANNON: I bet I could’ve made the shot.

BILL: You definitely could have. Your archery skills were always on point!

SHANNON: You know, I really think we could have a shot on this show, if we just spent a little time polishing off our old rusty Adventure Scout skills.

JENNA: Hah! In your dreams.

BILL: You know, before my kid chased after you for a life of sin in New York City, she really was an incredible outdoorswoman. Caught many a dinner on fishing trips with her old man.

JENNA: Yeah, sure, but you have to like… actually kill little animals to make it on this show.

SHANNON: I knew you’ve been paying attention!

JENNA: I mean, if it’s on, it’s on, isn’t it?

SHANNON: And look, I know my dad’s talking about our fishing trips, but he took me hunting too.

JENNA: But these folks, they’re not out shooting deer with rifles. Which, ew, you did that? They’re trapping possum with fishing line.

SHANNON: And your point is?

JENNA: Every time we even think about putting on a horror movie, you make me check Who Killed the Cat? To see if any animals are harmed before we press play.

BILL: But that’s different! That’s an aversion toward senseless violence against house pets. This girl? She can appreciate the circle of life. 

SHANNON: Especially if it meant I made it another day toward that hundred grand.

JENNA: See! I told you it was a competition show.

BILL: We’re all prisoners of capitalism, Jenna.

SHANNON: Do you think we should do it, Dad? Do you think we should apply to be on next season?

JENNA: You have to be kidding me.

BILL: But if we both got on, which one of us is gonna make it?

SHANNON: That’s the beautiful thing, it doesn’t matter! Because no matter what, we’ll split the prize 50/50.

JENNA: You once couldn’t sleep for an entire night because you said the site of a mother squirrel mourning the death of her child haunted you. On this very show. That you love. Somehow. Inexplicably. And now you’re telling me you’re going to try out?!

BILL: Now that I think of it, I do think I might have a couple old trail cameras from the hunting days. We could rig a few of them up, go out on a camping trip in a few weeks, and make an audition tape?

SHANNON: That’d be perfect!

JENNA: (feeling insane, like no one can hear her) But you broke your femur! You can’t make it ten steps to the bathroom without your walker! That’s the whole reason we’re in town in the first place!

BILL: Shhh, Jenna, a girl can dream. Can’t she?

SHANNON: Yes, she can, dad. She absolutely can.

JENNA: (chuckling) Thank god. I really thought you two were serious for a minute there…

SHANON: We are!

BILL: As a heart attack.

JENNA: Please, no more health scares.

SHANNON: We’ve been talking about this ever since the show first premiered, when I was still in high school.

BILL: Sue always told us we were insane. Would much rather put on some house flipping show. Said she’d rather see homes built by professionals.

SHANNON: Yeah, she never got it. The outdoors weren’t in her blood. Called herself an indoor kid, and was proud of it.

BILL: God, I miss that woman.

SHANNON: (putting her hand on his knee) Me too, dad, me too.

JENNA: Can you at least wait until you can put weight on your leg again before you make fools out of yourself in the name of being on television?

BILL: Then again, with your girlfriend around, it feels like she never left.

SHANNON: Yeah, you’re such a funge, like she was. Always trying to suck all the joy out of the room!

JENNA: I’ll take that as a compliment, thank you very much.

BILL: You should, Jenna. You absolutely should.

[SFX: The three stop speaking again as we return to the sounds of the show.]