Episode transcript - “hymnals & Hydras”
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Season 4, Episode 7: Hymnals & Hydras
[MUSIC: Regular Forgive Me! theme, though if we think an epic fantasy-flavored version would work, that could be pretty sweet.]
[SFX: Ben and Klem setting up the altar for the next morning’s service.]
FR. KLEM: You know Benji, it’s really not healthy for a man my age to be working so hard this late at night.
FR. BEN: Yeah, well, after that dinner I figure you should spend a few calories before bed.
FR. KLEM: It was vegetarian!
FR. BEN: I don’t know what’s more stunning – the fact that you took the time to hollow out a veggie burger and hide a beef patty inside, or that you thought I wouldn’t notice. They were completely different colors.
FR. KLEM: (sigh) My love of a pink center is once again my undoing.
FR. BEN: (chuckles) On that, we agree. Your dietary choices notwithstanding, I appreciate you burning the eight PM oil. Olivia’s been begging me to go to trivia with her ever since a question on the Ten Commandments cost her team second place.
FR. KLEM: Uh-oh... they didn’t forget one of the biggies, did they?
FR. BEN: You might say the biggest one of all – “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” Monotheism must be doing pretty well for folks to forget there are alternatives.
FR. KLEM: I weep for the future. Okay, let’s get a move on so I can go watch some Taylor Tomlinson and remind myself that the kids are alright.
[SFX: Ben and Klem setting up for mass. FR. KLEM groans in pain. Objects clatter to the floor; something breaks.]
FR. BEN: Klem! Are you okay?
FR. KLEM: (Between calming breaths) Gott im himmel... Ya, ya, Benji, I’m fine... Just gotta catch my breath... Ach, I broke the–
FR. BEN: It’s fine Klem, we have another one. Do you need anything? Water, Aspirin...?
FR. KLEM: No, no, I’ll be okay. I just need to sit for a bit.
FR. BEN: Okay. I’ll go get our spare, you just take it easy.
FR. KLEM: ...Thanks Benji.
(SFX: Ben walking to get the spare. A door opens, a light’s pull chain is pulled. Ben sifts through miscellaneous items.)
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: (whisper) Trespasser...
FR. BEN: Hm?
[SFX: A beat. Ben continues searching.]
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: (louder) Trespasser... you befoul this sacred place....
FR. BEN: (nervous) Hello?
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: (even louder) Benjamin Moynihan! Your soul shall rot in Hell and suffer for your blasphemous deeds!
FR. BEN: Oh farts, oh farts, oh farts!
[SFX: Ben runs out of the room, knocking things to the floor as he goes. He slams the door behind him and runs back to Klem.]
FR. BEN: Klem! There’s someone in the church!
FR. KLEM: What? Benji, calm down.
FR. BEN: Klem, there was someone – someTHING back there. It knew my name.
FR. KLEM: What!?
FR. BEN: It knew... my name, Klem.
FR. KLEM: Oh no... did it call you a trespasser?
FR. BEN: Yes!
FR. KLEM: ...It’s back. Ben, tell me exactly what it said, now.
FR. BEN: It called me a trespasser, and it said my soul was going to rot in Hell for my blasphemous deeds.
FR. KLEM: What did it sound like?
FR. BEN: Raspy... guttural... like a black hole come to life.
FR. KLEM: Like this? (As MYSTERIOUS VOICE:) Benjamin Moynihan, you are a trespasser!
FR. BEN: Yes! It sounded exactly... (realizing) ...like that.
[SFX: FR. KLEM speaks as MYSTERIOUS VOICE; the same voice can be heard in the storage room.]
FR. KLEM: Benjamin Moynihan... you made this far too easy..]
FR. BEN: How on Earth did I fall for this?
FR. KLEM: And so quickly too! I had a whole spiel prepared, urging you to atone for your sins, beg for forgiveness...
FR. BEN: There’s no way you set that up by yourself.
FR. KLEM: Of course not. Adam came to replace the mic that was on the fritz and I convinced him to put a speaker in there. Once he knew it was to prank you he hopped right on it.
FR. BEN: And yet I asked him to install one in the vestibule months ago and still nothing. (Exasperated sigh) Alright Ashton Kutcher, you can clean this mess up yourself. I’m gonna go see a man about some holy water.
FR. KLEM: You’re leaving me alone? I nearly had a heart attack!
FR. BEN: So did I!
[SFX: Ben walks to the bathroom. On his way there, he hears a deep, threatening voice again – starting softly but getting louder as Ben approaches.]
FR. BEN: (calling back to Klem) Klem, you already won. There’s no need to do a victory lap.
FR. KLEM: (from altar) What’s that, Benji?
FR. BEN: (calling back) Did you get Adam to hook up the Sunday school rooms too or is there a waiting list of people wanting to do you favors at my expense?
FR. KLEM: (walking to Ben) Ben, I have no idea what you’re t–
FR. BEN: Shh, shh! (whispering) ...c’mere...
[SFX: A beat as they listen.]
FR. KLEM: I’m sure that has a completely rational explanation. ...You go first.
[SFX: The voice gets louder as Ben and Klem approach.]
WILL: (As Orcus, Demon Prince of the Undead) You foolish mortals stand no chance against my might! I am the Demon Prince of the Undead, and even gods tremble before me! I shall flay the flesh from your bones and feast upon it as I –
[SFX: Ben and Klem throw open a door. WILL, TRISTAN, FIONA, and AMBER all gasp in surprise.]
FR. BEN: ...Good evening, gentlemen.
WILL: (raspy) Hey Fa– (clears throat) Hey Fathers.
FR. KLEM: Well this is probably the lamest cult I’ve ever seen.
TRISTAN: No no, it’s not a cult – we’re playing DnD!
FR. KLEM: Seems like someone blew their Sense Motive check.
TRISTAN: We’re actually playing 5th Edition, Sense Motive isn’t–
FR. BEN: We’re familiar with D&D. We’re less familiar with why you’re here considering I don’t remember letting you inside.
FIONA: Sure you did, at around ten o’clock this morning.
FR. BEN: You’ve been here since mass!?
FIONA: Not this room, but yeah. We attended mass, had some refreshments after, helped put away the chairs and stuff, and then just... stayed.
FR. BEN: So with a conservative estimate, you’ve been here playing D&D for six hours... how? I would’ve seen you, I make rounds after every mass to collect stuff for the lost and found.
FIONA: Well yeah... but only once.
WILL: And you always check the rooms in the same order.
FR. BEN: (sighs) Okay, you outsmarted my security patrol. Why, though? Why do you have to play here? Not that I mind, but it seems like a lot of work when I imagine anywhere with a table and chairs would suffice.
TRISTAN: Because of my grandma.
[SFX: Beat.]
FR. BEN: Oh jeez, of course. I’m so sorry Tristan, I forgot you live with her. And I’m guessing she’d rather not drive if she doesn’t have to.
TRISTAN: No, she’s still a good driver, she just doesn’t want me playing D&D.
FR. BEN: Why not?
TRISTAN: She, um... she thinks it promotes witchcraft.
FR. KLEM: What, really? Geez, they were going on about that when I was his age, people still believe that nonsense?
TRISTAN: Yeah, I heard her talking about it with some of the ladies in her knitting group. All these rumors they heard about Satanic portals and suicide cults and stuff.
FR. BEN: So what does she think you’re doing here for six hours?
AMBER: Bible study.
FR. BEN: For six hours!?
AMBER: Well, Fiona made a pamphlet.
[SFX: papers rustling. Fiona hands the pamphlet to Ben.]
AMBER: It’s really good! She used the church logo and everything.
FR. BEN: I see that.
WILL: I’m sorry for all the deception, it’s just... we’ve been wanting to play for ages, and then I got the core rulebooks for my birthday, and we wrote the story and made our characters before we knew that Tristan’s grandma wouldn’t let him play, so we got kinda desperate. Then Amber suggested the fake Bible Study group and–
FR. BEN: Who’s Amber?
WILL: Oh, uh... I meant Andy. His character’s name is Amber, I got them mixed up.
FIONA: Please don’t kick us out, Father Ben! I promise we take good care of the room. We always put everything back and clean up before we leave.
FR. BEN: Almost always. This explains the empty Funyuns bag I found a few weeks back.
TRISTAN: Ah, that was probably me. Sorry Father. It won’t happen again, I swear!
[SFX: A beat.]
FR. BEN: Alright folks, here’s the good news: I’m not gonna kick you out.
[SFX: The D&D crew makes low-key sounds of triumph.]
FR. BEN: And despite the less-than-honest behavior, because you all owned up to it and seem to have good intent behind it, I’m not gonna make any of you go to confession over this.
FR. KLEM: It’s a miracle!
FR. BEN: Don’t get any ideas – even when it’s well-meaning, lying is still considered a sin and the Lord and I both expect you to live honestly as often as you’re able and make a confession when you’re not. Also, confession or no confession, I still have a penance for you four.
[SFX: The D&D crew makes low-key sounds of anguish.]
FR. BEN: First, the lying to Tristan’s grandma has to stop.
TRISTAN: Father Ben, please don’t make me do that. If I tell her I’ve been playing D&D with these guys I don’t think she’ll let me hang out with them anymore, no matter what we’re doing.
WILL: Yeah, Tristan’s gonna get punished for this way worse than we are. The three of us will come clean to our folks, we’ll even do a real confession, but if Tristan’s grandma finds out she might not let him leave the house.
FR. BEN: You don’t have to tell her about the D&D, but the Bible Study part has to be true. If you want to keep playing D&D at St. Pat’s, your session has to include sixty minutes of Scripture.
TRISTAN: Oooh, that could work! There’s a deity called Ilmater with lore that’s really similar to Jesus, we could –
FR. BEN: No no, I’m not talking about putting Scripture in your game... I mean, you can if you want to, I won’t stop you... but actual Bible Study. I’ll even let you break it up to half an hour at the beginning and half an hour at the end so it technically lasts as long as the time you put on the pamphlet.
[SFX: A beat.]
WILL: Sounds fine to me, but who’s gonna run it?
FR. BEN: I will, and I’ll bring some healthy snacks so you get some vitamins and minerals alongside the sodium buffet you’ve got going.
FR. KLEM: Cutting off your nose to spite your face, eh Benji? Giving yourself not one, but TWO Scripture sessions to schedule your Sundays around?
FR. BEN: True, a bit of burden under normal circumstances, but it happens to align pretty perfectly with another recent commitment of mine. Which brings me to the second part of your penance...
[BREAK]
WILL: Night falls over the field outside the Gnome mining village. A sickle moon hangs low in the sky, casting enough light for you to catch the occasional nervous glance from one of your compatriots, but just barely.
FIONA: I have darkvision, so actually I can–
WILL: (annoyed) EXCEPT for those of you with darkvision.
(A beat.)
WILL: The sound of chirping crickets surrounds you, and you see fireflies dancing in the field... and then you don’t. You can’t pinpoint the exact moment, but you become aware of a deafening silence, which is as unsettling as it is unsurprising. Could I have all of you roll a Perception check?
(SFX: 3 d20 dice clattering.)
FIONA: 8.
AMBER: 12.
TRISTAN: 11.
FR. BEN: Um... sorry, which one do I roll?
AMBER: The d20.
FR. BEN: That’s this one, right?
AMBER: Yep.
[SFX: A d20 rolling.]
FR. BEN: That’s a... 19.
WILL: Alright, that means... sorry Father, what’s your character’s name again?
FR. BEN: Nebulous, but he usually goes by “Neb.” That’s Ben–
TRISTAN: (simultaneous, annoyed) Ben backwards.
FIONA: (simultaneous, annoyed) Ben backwards.
AMBER: (simultaneous, annoyed) Ben backwards.
FR. BEN: What’s wrong with that?
WILL: Nothing, it’s just a little cliché.
FR. BEN: Oh. ...Does it still count as a cliché if I didn’t know it was a–
TRISTAN/FIONA/AMBER: Yes.
WILL: Chill everyone, it’s just a name. At least he made it short for something.
FR. BEN: Yeah, I thought it worked well because he’s a Barbarian, so his brain’s usually a bit foggy.
FIONA: Wait – you’re a Gnome Barbarian?
FR. BEN: Yeah. You guys said you needed more muscle and Barbarian seemed like the most muscular class. Is it not?
TRISTAN: Well it is, but... Gnomes are small. So like, even the most jacked Gnome isn’t very muscly.
FR. BEN: Oh. Well shoot.
WILL: Guys, I told you over and over during character creation, you don’t need to min-max everything. I’d rather see interesting choices, and Father Ben has a decent hook for a Gnome Barbarian character.
FR. BEN: (excited) Yeah, so his family are all things like inventors and jewelers, but whenever he tried a career like that he would always mess it up. So he decided to just embrace it and become a Gnome that was good at breaking stuff instead of making stuff.
FIONA: ...Alright, that’s pretty good.
FR. BEN: Thanks! See, he was apprenticing in his Aunt’s workshop one day, but then he–
WILL: Um, Father Ben? It’s not great etiquette to launch into your character’s full backstory unprompted.
FR. BEN: Ah... right. Sorry.
WILL: All good. So all of you hear a rhythmic rustling in the grass punctuated by the occasional bit of chittering – and given that your reconnaissance suggested they would attack the village tonight, it’s almost certainly the sound of a horde of goblins trying and failing to be stealthy. However... Neb, you hear something else: heavy, thudding footfalls punctuated by the occasional low grunt.
FR. BEN: Huh. That doesn’t seem good. Can I see what it is?
WILL: Make me a Perception check, and I’ll give you advantage since Gnomes have darkvision and you know you’re looking for something big.
FR. BEN: What’s advantage?
TRISTAN: Roll twice, use the higher number.
FR. BEN: Thanks.
[SFX: A d20 rolled.]
FR. BEN: A 5...
[SFX: A d20 rolled again.]
FR. BEN: And an 18!
WILL: Nice! You peer into the field, and as you scan the tall grass twitching from the goblins passing through you see it – a hulking figure with a huge gut, sharp teeth, pointed ears, and a dumb-but-fierce-looking face. It’s wearing crudely made armor and drags a morningstar at its side.
FR. BEN: Yikes. Do I know what this thing is?
WILL: Definitely an ogre.
AMBER: (overlapping) They have an ogre!?
FIONA: (overlapping) Oh crap.
TRISTAN: (overlapping) Goddammit.
FR. BEN: Language.
TRISTAN: Sorry Father.
AMBER: How did we miss there was an ogre? ...Ohhhh, that room with the skull and crossbones on the door.
FIONA: I told you we should’ve gone in there.
TRISTAN: We would have if you hadn’t been hemorrhaging HP after eating rancid meat!
FIONA: Amber dared me to!
AMBER: You didn’t have to accept it!
FIONA: It’s my flaw! You were there when I wrote it on my character sheet!
WILL: Whoa, whoa! Chill out y’all. That was last session, can’t change it now.
Anyway – ogre.
FR. BEN: So this thing is bad news?
AMBER: Oh yeah. Lots of health and they can deal a ton of damage. Not too smart though.
WILL: And it’s getting closer. The goblins and the ogre are about 100 feet from the trap you set, but it doesn’t seem like they see it or you.
FR. BEN: Okay. If I’m the only one who sees it, I’ll whisper to Amber... (clears throat) (in a rough, high-pitched voice) Hey, was this trap designed for an ogre?
[SFX: A beat. EVERYONE but FR. BEN starts laughing.]
AMBER: That’s Neb’s voice?
BEN: Yeah... He’s a Gnome so it’s squeaky, but he’s a Barbarian so I added a little, y’know, soccer hooligan in there.
WILL: (overlapping slightly) Oh, that is incredible.
FIONA: (overlapping slightly) Dude, that is perfect.
TRISTAN: (overlapping slightly) 10 out of 10, Father. No notes.
AMBER: Okay, I’ll whisper back, “They have an ogre!?”
TRISTAN: (whisper) An ogre? Shit, this wasn’t–
BEN: Language!
TRISTAN: (normal) Sorry Father. (whispered) This wasn’t designed to stop an ogre!
FIONA: (whispered) What do we do?
WILL: They’re about fifty feet away now. I’ll give you all a surprise round since they haven’t seen you yet, but you’d better figure out what to do with it.
AMBER: Crap. Okay, I’ve got an idea – Shade, you run back and warn the miners. I’ll stay here to spring the trap. Tazeer, you ready a Slow spell to cast on the ogre about 5 feet before he gets to the trap so he’s not in it when it goes off.
FIONA: (simultaneous) Got it.
TRISTAN: (simultaneous) Got it.
AMBER: Neb, you do everything you can to stop them from getting to the mining camp.
BEN: (as Neb) Will do.
FIONA: Okay, I’ll try to quickly sneak my way to the main road and then run to the camp.
WILL: Stealth check, please.
[SFX: A d20 roll.]
FIONA: 12 with a plus-4, so 16.
WILL: Perfect, the grass rustles a bit in your wake but you make it back to the road without any enemies noticing.
AMBER: I’ve got my hand on the lever ready to spring the trap once the goblins reach it.
TRISTAN: I’m muttering the vocal component of my Slow spell.
[SFX: A beat.]
WILL: Ben?
BEN: If I wanted to attack, how would I do that?
WILL: Roll a d20, then add the modifier for the weapon you’re using. If your total meets or beats the target’s AC, you deal damage.
BEN: Okay, cool.
[SFX: A d20 roll.]
BEN (cont’d): I’m using my javelin, so that’s–
WILL: Sorry, what are you attacking?
BEN: Oh, right – the ogre.
AMBER: (simultaneous) What!?
FIONA: (simultaneous) What!?
TRISTAN: (simultaneous) What!?
FIONA: Father Ben, that is not a good idea.
BEN: It’s not? The ogre sounds like the most dangerous target, don’t we want to take it out quickly?
TRISTAN: That’s what my Slow spell was for!
BEN: Oh... right. Okay I don’t attack.
WILL: Well, sometimes I allow take-backs, but...
AMBER: You already rolled.
FIONA: Maybe he missed. What was the roll?
BEN: Oh, uh... 26 total.
FIONA: And what’s your attack modifier?
BEN: Plus-6.
FIONA: So...
[SFX: A beat.]
TRISTAN: Critical hit.
AMBER: Well, we get max damage at least.
BEN: So, uh... what happens?
WILL: Describe your attack for me.
BEN: Well... Neb grabs a javelin from his quiver and gives it a little kiss. He lines up the shot, and as he releases it he shouts – well, whisper-shouts – “not on my watch!”
WILL: The ogre hears your whisper-shout and turns towards you – just in time for the javelin to hit his left pectoral hard enough to pierce clean through.
TRISTAN: (overlapping) Ugh, gnarly.
AMBER: (overlapping) Awesome.
WILL: The ogre lets out a thunderous roar, then picks up the morningstar and charges. The goblins charge as well, but in the distance you hear “Fire!” from atop the wall of the camp. A volley of light arrows fly toward the goblins – many hit their mark, and all of them fill the field with radiance bright enough to be daylight. The good news is that, as planned, the Goblins’ darkvision advantage has been neutralized. The bad news is this is clearly not a normal Ogre. Its skin is a pallid gray color – or at least it is in the places where it has skin, but there are distressingly many spots where you can see the ogre’s muscle and bone. And now that it’s this close, it reeks to high heaven.
TRISTAN: Ohhhh, zombie ogre.
WILL: I need everyone to roll Initiative.
[SFX: 6 d20s rolled.]
BEN: 5.
FIONA: 4.
TRISTAN: 16.
AMBER: 8.
WILL: Alright, Tazeer is up first.
TRISTAN: Tazeer fires off his Slow spell. I’ll target the zombie ogre and five goblins I can see within 20 feet of it, they have to make a DC 15 Wisdom Save to avoid it.
[SFX: 6 d20s rolled.]
WILL: One of the Goblins saves, but the Ogre Zombie and the other four Goblins have been successfully slowed.
FIONA: Nice!
WILL: And thank goodness because that morningstar looks awfully rusty and was likely swinging in your direction, but moving at half-speed it can’t quite get to you this round. It tries to save against Slow after it moves...
[SFX: A beat.]
FR. BEN: He’s not saying anything, is that good?
AMBER: Probably not.
WILL: Amber, you’re up.
AMBER: As previously discussed – go-go gadget tar trap!
WILL: You spring the trap, and it works like a charm. Every goblin charging suddenly finds themself tumbling three feet down and face first into a thick pile of tar.
FR. BEN: Whoa... you guys set up a tar trap?
FIONA: Yeah! It was Amber’s idea.
FR. BEN: I hope it’s not too insulting to say that I was expecting a more... lethal solution.
WILL: That was Plan A.
TRISTAN: My first idea was a spike trap, but we looked it up and it needed to be a lot deeper.
FIONA: This also seemed way funnier.
FR. BEN: But they’re just stuck there forever?
AMBER: Nah, they’ll all get out eventually. They just may need to leave their weapons behind and hop everywhere for a few days.
WILL: Anything else from Amber?
AMBER: I’ll move to regroup with Neb and Tazeer in case the sh– uh, I mean, stuff hits the fan.
FR. BEN: I know this might sound corny, but... I’m proud of you guys. Sorry to have my priest hat on, but even when it comes to fantasy creatures I think avoiding violence is always a good call.
WILL: Neb, it’s your turn.
FR. BEN: Oh, great. I’ll throw another javelin at the Ogre. Oh! I mean... this is probably an ideal time for Neb to go into a Rage, right?
TRISTAN: Definitely.
WILL: Do you have a rage phrase?
FR. BEN: A what?
WILL: A rage phrase. Something Neb says to get him in the mood to rage.
FR. BEN: Oh, um... Ooh! I got it. (As Neb.) “They say the world’s a stage, and every person is a player. But I say that the world’s a rage, and I... a humble slayer.”
FIONA: Oh man, that’s badass!
FR. BEN: Thanks! A friend of mine wrote it... sort of.
FIONA: He sounds awesome, can I read his stuff?
FR. BEN: Sure can, it’s free online. That’s from a play called As You Like It.
FIONA: Dope. What’s his name?
FR. BEN: William Shakespeare.
FIONA: (in awe) Wait – you’re friends with Captain Kirk?
FR. BEN: Uh, no. That’s William Shat–
WILL: Hey, can we get back to the game?
FR. BEN: Yes, of course. Okay, Neb will pull another javelin out of his quiver, and for flavor I’ll say he’s aiming for one of the spots where you can see muscle.
WILL: Flavor accepted. Gimme your attack roll.
[SFX: a d20 rolled.]
FR. BEN: A 9.
WILL: Alright, you hurl your javelin and it flies true. It’s heading straight for the ogre’s chest, and its arm slowly swings around to try and shield the blow... and then it snaps back to normal speed just in time to clip the javelin and knock the shaft into its skull.
FIONA: Crap.
WILL: It’s briefly dazed from the noggin bonk, then it reaches down and picks up the javelin. The ogre stares at it for a moment, then lets out a deafening roar and snaps it in half.
AMBER: (Simultaneous) Crap.
TRISTAN: (Simultaneous) Crap.
FIONA: Well, I’d help you guys out with this, but I’m afraid I’m on babysitting duty.
TRISTAN: Babysitting?
FIONA: Yeah – ‘cause I’m running to help some miners.
[SFX: Assorted groans from everyone else.]
WILL: Bad pun penalty, minus one Inspiration.
FIONA: Joke’s on you, you took it away last session.
WILL: Yes, taunting the DM. Always a great strategy. Anyway, Shade hightails it back to the encampment?
FIONA: Yeah, as much as Fiona wants to turn back and help, Shade knows it’s probably best to stick with the plan.
WILL: Alright, you’re back in my good graces. Well played.
FIONA: Thanks buddy. ...Can I get my inspiration back?
WILL: Not a chance. Okay, ogre’s turn. As slow as it may be – mentally and physically – it realizes that the thing with lots of pointy sticks is probably what hurt him.
FR. BEN: ...Farts.
WILL: With as much speed as it can muster, the ogre starts hauling its bulky frame in Neb’s direction.
TRISTAN: Wait – you’re on the other side of the tar trap, right? Maybe it’ll fall in!
WILL: Odds or evens, Father Ben?
FR. BEN: What?
WILL: Call odds or evens. Get it right and the ogre falls in the tar trap.
FR. BEN: Uh... Odds!
WILL: (rolls) ...2. The ogre bounds forward, oblivious to the trap. With an enormous stride he steps over the trap – and most of his foot lands safely on the other side, with just enough hanging over to let a chunk of heel drop with a sickening squelch into the tar. The ogre’s not close enough to Neb to attack him but definitely close enough for him to get a wave of some absolutely rancid breath when it roars again. Tazeer, you’re up.
TRISTAN: Let’s hit ‘im with a good ol’ Acid Arrow.
WILL: Attack roll please.
TRISTAN: (Rolls) ...18!
WILL: Hit! Roll damage and describe it for me.
TRISTAN: (rolls 4d4) Ooh, thirteen! I aim for the hole Neb made with his first javelin throw. I miss high, but as the arrow splashes off the ogre’s shoulder, the acid drips down and pools in the hole.
WILL: Gross dude, I like it. The ogre, not so much – unsurprisingly it’s gonna focus on the last thing that hurt it, so it ignores Neb and goes after Tazeer instead.
FR. BEN: Should I get over there to protect him?
FIONA: Nah, he’s got Mage Armor, he’ll be fine.
TRISTAN: Um...
AMBER: Are you serious?
TRISTAN: Head-to-head engagement wasn’t part of the plan! Plus now that Neb’s here I figured everyone would be getting in his grill, not mine!
FR. BEN: So... I should get over there?
FIONA: I guess, but that thing’s not gonna go down quick and you and Tazeer already used Slow and Acid Arrow so our offense is starting to peter out. Maybe just stay out of its way and wait for backup from the miners?
AMBER: Wait... I’ve got an idea. Neb gets advantage on Strength checks while he’s raging, right?
WILL: I believe so.
AMBER: Alright, I’ll call to Tazeer, “stay hidden until we deal with the ogre!” Then I’ll go over to Neb and tell him “Neb, I had the gnomes install a small bridge over the trap in case of emergencies. I need you to put me on your shoulders and cross that bridge.”
FR. BEN: On my shoulders? Why?
AMBER: Because it’s hard to concentrate while running. Neb... do you trust me?
FR. BEN: Uh... I guess so.
AMBER: Awesome. Up I go!
WILL: Alright, assuming Neb doesn’t resist being mounted like a racehorse I’ll need you to make an Athletics check with advantage.
FR. BEN: (rolls 2d20) A 6 and a 17.
WILL: You pass and are now the proud owner of a shoulder Amber.
FIONA: Wait a sec – has Amber had a chance to wash her boots?
AMBER: Nnno, why?
FIONA: When we were exploring the hideout last session, didn’t you end up ankle deep in Goblin poo at one point?
WILL: Oh yeah! After that “successful” Stealth check.
FIONA: And now your boots are dangling under Neb’s nose.
[SFX: Beat.]
AMBER: Sorry, Father.
BEN: (sighs) It’s alright. I’m sure I’ve had plenty a poo-shoe in real life that took me way too long to clean, so I suppose this is just chickens coming home to roost. You’re not gonna make Neb do, like, a bunch of rolls to avoid gagging, are you?
WILL: Nah, just roleplay it really well and you’re good.
TRISTAN: Can you do Neb holding his nose?
BEN: I can try. (As Neb holding his nose) Boy, this stinks worse than... This stinks worse... This st-(abruptly dropping the voice) I cannot.
WILL: A for effort Father Ben. Let’s move on – Amber?
AMBER: I’ll hold my standard action until Neb crosses the bridge.
WILL: Neb?
FR. BEN: ...I cross the bridge.
AMBER: Okay, I cast Minor Illusion. I conjure the image of a huge haunch of decaying meat – like, it has a green tinge to it and there are multiple clusters of writhing maggots.
FIONA: Jesus…
FR. BEN: I’m obligated to say “language,” but my heart’s honestly not in this one.
AMBER: Then I call out to the ogre, “hey, big fella! It’s dinnertime!” Then I tell Neb, “hit yourself in the leg.”
FR. BEN: What? Why?
WILL: Was that Neb or Father Ben speaking?
FR. BEN: Father Ben, I guess. Neb’s response is...”What? Why?”
AMBER: Because you’ll drop your rage if you end a turn without taking damage!
WILL: Or attacking an enemy, but uh... that’ll be tough given your current... predicament.
FR. BEN: The delicate phrasing is fully noted and appreciated. Okay, well... a punch probably won’t be enough so... I ask Amber to hand me javelin.
AMBER: I pull one out of his back quiver and pass it down to him.
TRISTAN: (aside to Will) This is too many actions for one turn, isn’t it?
WILL: (aside to Tristan) Probably, but it’s way too funny not to let happen.
FR. BEN: Neb takes a few gentle practice swings... and then he whacks himself in the shin.
AMBER: (simultaneous) Ooooh...
FIONA: (simultaneous) Ooooh...
TRISTAN: (simultaneous) Ooooh...
WILL: Man... (rolls 1d4) alright, you deal yourself two points of damage but your rage is maintained. Shade?
FIONA: Have I made it back to the Gnome camp yet?
WILL: You’re within 30 feet of it.
FIONA: Alright, I close the distance then call up to the gate guards, “The goblins are stuck, but they brought an ogre zombie! We need all the soldiers you can spare!”
WILL: The gate guards look at each other, then one nods to you before she disappears from the ramparts. Anything else?
FIONA: Catch my breath.
WILL: Fair enough. Tazeer?
TRISTAN: I take Amber’s advice and hide. I guess I’ll duck behind a tree and ready a Magic Missile in case a goblin escapes the trap.
WILL: In that case... whether it’s just that hungry or that stupid is hard to tell, but the ogre sees a hunk of rancid meat floating in midair and... you swear it gets a merry twinkle in its undead eyes. It lumbers toward Amber’s illusion, stepping right over the tar trap a second time... gimme odds or evens again, Father Ben.
FR. BEN: A pox on the Gambler’s Fallacy – odds!
WILL: (rolls a d20) ...15! The ogre steps square in the tar trap, crushing two goblins as its foot comes down. You hear the ogre roar in pain, and then almost comically try to wrest itself free from the trap. Finally it does... but not before leaving one of its feet behind, the tip of a goblin sword poking through and resting against half a shinbone.
The ogre climbs back onto the grass and takes a step forward only to topple unceremoniously onto its putrid stomach. It groans and crawls forward, still desperate to claim its meaty reward but now seeming more pitiful than threatening.
FIONA: Awww... I kinda feel sorry for it.
WILL: About a dozen members of the mining camp arrive to deal with the goblins, and a Cleric approaches the ogre from behind. “What abominable master brought you to life, you poor thing?” he asks before muttering an incantation that removes the ogre corpse from the cruel magic that animated it... and I think that is an excellent place to stop for tonight.
[SFX: Assorted sounds of quiet, victorious relief.]
FR. BEN: You guys... that was completely awesome.
FIONA: Dude, Father Ben, you were fantastic.
TRISTAN: Yeah Father, you’re stuck with us now – Neb’s an official member of the crew.
AMBER: Thanks for going along with my piggyback ride. Honestly I kinda just wanted to see how you’d handle it.
FR. BEN: Thanks all. I hope you hold onto those good vibes after I tell you to put away the sourcebooks and bust out the Holy Books.
[SFX: Assorted groans from the group.]
FR. BEN: I’ll choose to believe that was a reaction to my wordplay and not the prospect of discussing scripture. Let’s continue our lesson from earlier, shall we?
[MUSIC: A final fantastical music queue.]
FR. BEN: Alright, that’ll be good for tonight. I’ll see you folks in a couple of weeks.
TRISTAN: See ya.
FIONA: Later, Father Ben.
AMBER: Hey guys, I’m gonna hang back a bit.
WILL: Everything okay?
AMBER: Yeah yeah, I just want to chat with Father Ben about something.
FR. BEN: And I’m happy to listen as always. You go ahead, I’ll give him a lift once we’re done. Just do me a favor – try to chat about what we studied tonight on the way home, at least a little?
WILL: Will do Father Ben. See you at Mass.
[SFX: Will, Fiona, and Tristan leave.]
FR. BEN: So what’s up Andy?
AMBER: Uh, well... I’m actually hoping you could call me Amber.
FR. BEN: Oh, sure. Like a method acting, getting into character sort of thing?
AMBER: ...No.
FR. BEN: Oh. (realizing) Ohhh...
AMBER: Is that okay?
FR. BEN: Well, as someone who just spent a few hours defeating a horde of goblins and their zombie ogre with you, definitely. As a priest in the Catholic Church... that’s trickier.
AMBER: Right.
FR. BEN: Setting my role as a priest aside for now – though that is a conversation we’ll have to have at some point – I know how difficult it must’ve been to tell me, and I’m touched that you felt safe enough to take me into your confidence. For now, I can promise that I’ll always intend to call you Amber in our private conversations, though I can’t promise I won’t have the occasional brain fart and let an Andy slip out.
AMBER: That’s alright. Will, Tristan, and Fiona sometimes forget too, I just remind them and we move on.
FR. BEN: Speaking of – they’re cool with it?
AMBER: Oh yeah, they’ve been super supportive, Will especially.
FR. BEN: And that’s been helpful?
AMBER: Father Ben, you have no idea. It's amazing. Like... I'm me.
FR. BEN: Right...
AMBER: But I wasn't me before. I thought I was. I mean, when everyone tells you a story about who you are, how do you know any better? I didn't realize it at first, but D&D was me telling my own story. I wasn't playing pretend. I mean, the orcs and goblins and adventures are all made up - obviously, but not Amber. She's me. And when I realized that, Will and Tristan and Fiona - they got it. They're amazing, Father Ben. Playing with them is my safest space. It's where I'm all the way me. Out here it's like I'm living inside this clunky suit of armor that says "boy" on it. Everything is slower and heavier. When I'm playing D&D though... I even think more clearly. I’m more creative - with my strategy, with my character choices. Like, I probably didn’t need to climb on Neb’s shoulders, but that was a funny, interesting choice, and it led to us defeating the ogre and I don’t know if I could have thought of it if I wasn’t free to be Amber in that moment. I'm rambling.
FR. BEN: No, no- thank you, Amber. What about your family? Do they know?
AMBER: They do.
FR. BEN: "But."
AMBER: No, it's fine. They're great actually. They'll "always love me no matter what” and they ask questions about pronouns and stuff. It's just... hard. There's a person they expected me to be - I'm not him and... I think they're scared for me.
FR. BEN: Understandable. But they love you and they're with you. I'm really glad to hear that. ...Does anyone else know?
AMBER: I’m pretty sure Fiona’s mom suspects but no... Nobody else outside my family. Not yet. And then, of course, there’s Tristan’s grandma.
FR. BEN: Right. Seems like a “when Hell freezes over” type situation.
AMBER: Let’s put it this way – are you familiar with “deadnaming?”
FR. BEN: I think so – that’s where somebody uses a trans person's birth name instead of their chosen name on purpose, right?
AMBER: Right. But even if you do it by accident it’s still deadnaming.
FR. BEN: So a brain fart still counts as deadnaming. Gotcha.
AMBER: Yeah. But- there are two situations where deadnaming someone is acceptable – when the person gives you their permission, and when you’re talking to someone who could endanger that person’s life. Father Ben, I am giving you my permission – no, my insistence – that you deadname me whenever anyone can hear you that is not a part of our D&D group, because I have no idea who could put me in that second situation.
FR. BEN: Understood... and I’m sorry.
AMBER: Thank you. And for what it’s worth, as a trans kid in a small town I’ve been pretty lucky so far.
FR. BEN: I’m so happy to hear that. I do have to ask though... why tell me? Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that you feel safe enough at St. Pat’s to share this with me, but the Catholic Church isn’t famous for its kind treatment of transgender teenagers.
AMBER: It’s not, and that’s the understatement of the decade, and yet I’ve heard so many stories about kids whose faith is so important to them that even though they’ve lost count of how many times they’ve heard someone consider their very existence an abomination, they attend mass every single week and just grin and bear it. Well, I don’t have to. I know you’re never gonna deliver a sermon called Trans Lives Matter, but – and no shade on Father Klem – ever since you got here I’ve felt not just tolerated, but welcomed. Like I said, pretty lucky. So I hope you’ll see this conversation as not only me saying “thank you,” but asking you to do what you can to help other trans kids feel as welcome at church as I do.
FR. BEN: I... thank you And– Amber. Shit.
AMBER: It’s okay Father. And language.
FR. BEN: Heh. Fair enough. Thank you for trusting me. As for helping trans kids feel welcome in church, making everyone feel welcome at St. Pat’s has been part of my mission since I got here so I’m glad it seems to be succeeding. You’re right that a trans-centered service won’t be in the cards for a while, but if you’re willing, I’d love to have your help finding some parts of God’s word that might be particularly resonant with the trans community.
AMBER: That would be awesome.
FR. BEN: The capital-C Church though... I’m afraid that a lot of the things I do that make you feel welcome are exactly the reasons why my opinion is typically unwelcome with the powers-that-be. And even if it weren’t, the Church isn’t really known for being nimble when it comes to change. It’s a big institution, and I’m just one guy.
AMBER: And I’m just one gal. But if you agree that this is a conversation that should be had... someone’s got to have it first, right?
FR. BEN: I do... and you’re right. Tell you what: with the utmost respect, I think we should table this for now so I can get you home to your folks and do some research so when you and I talk about this again – and I promise that we will – I can bring at least a little expertise on the subject and have a better chance of keeping my foot far away from my mouth. Deal?
AMBER: Deal. Thanks, Father Ben. And thanks for letting us keep the game going.
FR. BEN: I had an absolute blast, so I mean this from the bottom of my heart: thank you, Amber. (As Neb:) You ready t’get outta here?
AMBER: Do beholders have two stomachs?
FR. BEN: ...I don’t know, do they?
AMBER: They most certainly do, Father.
[Forgive Me! end credits theme starts to play.]