Episode transcript - “small forgiveness”
[SFX: Marisol is sitting in the middle pews staring at the stained glass windows. She is humming under her breath. She is totally in her world. She doesn’t even notice Father Ben walking up behind her.]
FATHER BEN: Uh, hello?
MARISOL: Holy shit!
FATHER BEN: Oh.
MARISOL: Uh, holy...spirit? Sugar? Um, sorry. You have really soft footsteps.
FATHER BEN: No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m Father Ben.
[SFX: He reaches out and she shakes his hand.]
MARISOL: Marisol.
FATHER BEN: Nice to meet you.
MARISOL: I think you’re the first priest who’s ever thought that.
FATHER BEN: Do you mind if I sit?
MARISOL: It is sorta your place.
[SFX: Father Ben sits down.]
FATHER BEN: So....are you new to town?
MARISOL: Oh, God, no. Not that there’s anything wrong with Texarkana. Except that it’s called Texarkana and we’re in the smackdab middle of New York state, like that makes any goda... It’s just not my kinda place. A friend of mine lives up this way. Promised next time the ship docked in Jersey, I’d rent a car and drive up to see him. I was driving through, saw a coffee shop, got out, walked around-
FATHER BEN: And ended up in a church?
[SFX: Marisol shrugs.]
MARISOL: I was done with the coffee.
[SFX: Marisol looks dead ahead. Father Ben carefully watches her but as time stretches on he decides to leave.]
FATHER BEN: Alright. Well, I’ll leave you to-
MARISOL: Forgive me Father for I have sinned. That’s how it still goes right? It’s not like that “peace be with you and with your spirit” bullshhhhcrap?
FATHER BEN: Um, yes. That’s still how it starts. Would you like to move into the confessional or-
MARISOL: No, that’s way too formal. Pews are good. Low-stakes. Just don’t look at me, okay?
FATHER BEN: I can do that.
MARISOL: Good. Then, uh, in the name of the Father, Son, and The Holy Spirit, forgive me Father for I have sinned. It’s been, uh, last time I was 13 so...it’s been 19 years since my last confession? Jesus Christ.
FATHER BEN: That’s not a problem. Sometimes we need time between confessions to marinate and come to terms with the weight of our actions. Whether it be a few weeks or a few years, the important thing is that you’ve returned. May the Lord bless you.
MARISOL: Sure.
FATHER BEN: So, what would you like to confess today?
MARISOL: There is probably not enough time left in either of our lives to talk about all the stuff over the past 19 years I should probably confess, Father, but, um, that’s not really why I, uh, did this.
FATHER BEN: Okay. Well, why did you do this?
MARISOL: I want....I don’t believe in God, but I think maybe I sorta do now, maybe.
FATHER BEN: Oh.
MARISOL: I think maybe it.....I think maybe I-
FATHER BEN: Feeling God calling you is a wonderful-
MARISOL: Can we maybe not use all the church-standard lingo? It’s not a call, it’s just...I’m thinking about it more.
FATHER BEN: Was there something that made you start thinking about it more?
MARISOL: Well....so, I work on a cruise ship, right? I’m one of the line cooks and sometimes it’s the best thing ever and sometimes it’s a shitty-Crappy? Cruddy job. Sorry, it’s been a while.
FATHER BEN: I understand. I can tell you’re trying though, so, thank you.
MARISOL: Yeah. Um, but, uh, yeah, one day a couple of months ago, I finished my shift, it was one of those, uh, bad days I was talking about. I was dead dog tired. I went up to the Lido deck to just look at the ocean and get my head on right. And when I was out there, head in a funk, Connor and Lori, my friends, they came up and we started talking and then we were laughing and the sunset was all so pretty and I was looking at them smiling at me and then I was looking at the sunset and this warm feeling started blooming in my chest and then I started crying. Not boo-hoo sobbing, just a couple of wipe-away-tears, but I was just....if you knew me and the sh, stuff I’ve been through, just to have a moment like that, it was like....I don’t know, I felt like....I don’t know. I just felt something.
FATHER BEN: That sounds beautiful, Marisol.
MARISOL: A perfectly flaky apple pie is beautiful. That doesn’t mean it means anything.
FATHER BEN: But that moment clearly meant something to you-
MARISOL: Stop looking at me.
FATHER BEN: Right. Sorry.
MARISOL: I know it meant something, but did it mean God, you know? I mean, how the heck would I even know if what I felt wasn’t just a particularly powerful wave of hormones or, like, the start of another manic episode. Long story, don’t ask.
FATHER BEN: Alright, but Marisol?
MARISOL: Yeah?
FATHER BEN: If I may, do you want to believe?
MARISOL: That’s kinda like a car salesman asking why you wanna buy a car? Do you really care? Don’t you just wanna get it off the lot?
FATHER BEN: Are you the car here?
MARISOL: No, I think the car is God in this one? I don’t know. My psychologist says I use humor to deflect and he’s right, but also that was a little funny, don’t you think? Don’t answer that. I know it wasn’t. Um, I don’t know if I, I mean, I kinda know, but I don’t, can I come back to it?
FATHER BEN: Of course. We’re in no rush. Unless you have to go meet your friend soon-
MARISOL: No. I got a little time. You know, you’re a lot nicer than some of the other priests I knew. When I was a kid, our priest was this pasty, spaghetti-long, white dude. Father Zybrecki. He wasn’t terrible, but, like, his homilies would always go on and on and on and I never wanted to tell him anything because he was just so, well, he was so old, he’s probably dead now, and also cause he wasn’t someone who wanted to hear your questions either.
FATHER BEN: Oh, what kind of questions did you have?
MARISOL: You know. Like, kiddie stuff. Questions about how a whale could’ve eaten Jonah and why did God let Cain live, stuff like that. But, uh, after my Mom died, she died in a car crash when I was in middle school. Just out the blue. Like-(She snaps her fingers.) The questions sorta got more pointed. Why did God let bad things happen to good people? Does God really love any of us if he’d let us die? How long does it take God to answer prayers? Why doesn’t he answer mine? Why should I love someone who killed my mom? I can see why he wasn’t super into those.
FATHER BEN: I’m.....that.....it sounds like you really needed a strong and open figure there for you and I’m sorry your priest couldn’t be that for you.
MARISOL: Ehhh, it’s not like he was my Dad or anything.
FATHER BEN: Still. Those were some very good questions and whether he had the answers or not it sounds like even carefully considering them would have been important to you.
MARISOL: Yeah. I guess so. It’s not like me not going to mass anymore was a big deal. I mean, yeah, I sorta liked going. Not as much as my mom’s church, she was Baptist, but Our Lady wasn’t bad. I liked the organ. The hymns. How pretty everything was.
FATHER BEN: Did you believe in God when you were a child?
MARISOL: Of course. I was a kid. It’s not like I went full dark edgy atheist one day, Father. It was more of a “my mom’s dead so He can’t be as good as everyone says.” Or “I really like girls and He made me like this but I’m not supposed to ‘act on it’? Kinda doesn’t seem like something an all-knowing guy would do.” “If God loves everyone, but I don’t feel loved then that’s probably a wash too.” And that’s just the personal stuff, that doesn’t even touch all the other problems I have with The Church. Over time it just sorta added up and everyone else in the house was so fu, uh, really depressed no one else really noticed or cared that I didn’t believe in Him anymore.
FATHER BEN: And do you still think those things?
MARISOL: I don’t think so. My mom was always gonna die. I was never gonna take it well. Honestly, sometimes I forget being gay is still “A Thing” for some people. And these days I am loved by lots of really wonderful people, and I love them so much. I love them so much, Father.
FATHER BEN: I’m glad you have a loving community. When I think about the people here in St. Pat’s, I think it’d be much harder to feel connected to God if I didn’t feel connected to them too.
MARISOL: That’s.....yeah, I get that.
FATHER BEN: Can I ask, when’s the last time you’ve been to Mass?
MARISOL: It’s been 19 years since my last confession, Papa B, why don’t you take a guess?
FATHER BEN: That’s fair. Maybe that would be a good place to start for you. To test out the waters and see how it feels returning to The Church. Do they hold Mass for crew on cruise ships?
MARISOL: Yeah, but, uh, I don’t really know if....like, if I do start....if me and God do get back on speaking terms I don’t know if this is, if Catholicism is the language I wanna be speaking in.
FATHER BEN: Well, that is a, I do feel obligated to extol the virtues of Catholicism-
MARISOL: I get it. Brand loyalty.
FATHER BEN: Oh, that’s not...how I would put it. I understand that we do have a lot of....room for improvement on some things. Many things. And I have my own...relationship with some of the dogma and practices, but at its core, the sacred scriptures and sacred traditions are all meant to remind us that, as Catholics, we are all servants of a kind and loving God and, as His servants, we have a responsibility to love people. Isn’t that a language worth speaking?
[SFX: Marisol stews on the words then laughs.]
FATHER BEN: Oh, I didn’t know I said something funny.
MARISOL: You didn’t. God, would you believe I used to have a lot of conversations just like this when I was in my 20s. Every other week it felt like I was talking to someone about the meaning of life. 23-year-old-me would’ve annoyed the hell outta you.
FATHER BEN: I highly doubt that.
MARISOL: Mmmm… It’s not like I hate it or anything. Receiving the eucharist, my Dad taking me to get my first rosary, watching Sam sing Miserere with the choir....I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything.
[SFX: (Marisol dramatically sighs, closes her eyes, and rests her head on the back of the pew in front of her.]
MARISOL: God, what if I’m just being all dramatic? I could just be a regular lapsed Catholic thinking regular lapsed Catholic thoughts.
FATHER BEN: One could say the best place for a lapsed Catholic is a church.
MARISOL: You’re laying it on a little thick, Father… This really is a nice place you got here. Cozy.
FATHER BEN: Thank you.
MARISOL: You know, last time I was in a place like this, well, not like this, a church, but, like, a place of worship, it was this Temple down in, what was it, was it the Virgin Islands? No, it was Puerto Rico. Right, cause we were docked in San Juan for a few days. Anyways, I disembarked and went to morning service. And the walls were this creamy white, but there was a giant rainbow stained glass Star of David so the lights and colors were dancing everywhere, and it was close to the shore so you could hear the waves while the cantor sang, and that plus the colors....man, that was something. You shoulda seen it.
FATHER BEN: You go to synagogues?
MARISOL: Um, yeah, sometimes. When I can.
FATHER BEN: I know you mentioned your mother was baptist, was your father Jewish or-
MARISOL: Oh, no. He’s one of your guys. Super into The Holy Virgin. But, um, this guy I know, Mickey, him and his wife, Donna, they’re Jewish. Back in my “what is the meaning of life” 20s, they invited me to Shabbat. Not for, like, religious reasons, just cause I looked like I was starving myself because, of course, I was. And, uh, I liked it. Then I just sorta kept going. Then I started staying the night. And then I started tagging along with them to morning services. And sometimes I’d stay the night and they’d sleep in, and I’d go to Temple by myself, and I just sorta kept going. I don’t recite the Amidah or anything, that’d feel kinda wrong, I just like sitting in the back and listening to the rabbi sometimes. Flipping through the siddur. Trying to figure out how the hell to read Hebrew. Makes me grateful Father Zybrecki ditched Latin, I’ll tell you that.
[SFX: Father Ben laughs.]
FATHER BEN: Noted… So, is Judaism the language you want to speak in?
MARISOL: Papa B, I haven’t even decided if God’s real yet. Slow down.
FATHER BEN: It just seems like you’re performing the actions of someone who’s already answered that question for themselves.
MARISOL: I can feel you staring, Father.
FATHER BEN: Right. (Father Ben turns away.) If I may, and forgive me if I’m misreading, but you seem to have a pretty pleasant life, at least right now. You have community, you travel the world, I’m assuming if you work on a cruise ship you don’t have to pay rent, that’s always something-
MARISOL: Yeah, it is.
FATHER BEN: Of course, for occupational and personal reasons, I do believe that a relationship with God is integral for a spiritually and emotionally balanced life, but I don’t know everything. You are living a life you like, aren’t you?
MARISOL: I never thought I’d get this old, let alone be this happy.
FATHER BEN: Alright. Then what are you looking for? What do you want out of belief? God is expansive and can mean many things to many people. What are you trying to find?
MARISOL: I......do you actually believe in God, Father?
FATHER BEN: Marisol, I’m a priest.
MARISOL: So?
FATHER BEN: Yes!
MARISOL: Why?
FATHER BEN: It- (He sighs and takes a moment to collect his thoughts.) I suppose it’s a matter of....conviction. I believe what the Bible says. I believe in the Catechism. I believe in the power of the sacraments. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in 77th chances. (Father Ben laughs to himself) And the people. When I think of all my parishioners and what it took to get us all here in St. Pat’s. How different we all are and how we still manage to fit so well together, why, that feels like its own miracle. I believe in that. And sometimes it can be hard to have faith, but all I can do is believe that He will help me overcome my unbelief. (Father Ben sneaks a glance at Marisol) I hope that was good.
MARISOL: (Marisol nods.) Yeah. Yeah, it was.
FATHER BEN: Your turn.
MARISOL: I think.............one time, when I was, like 26, I was helping Mickey prep for Shabbat like I always used to do, and I realized I never asked him why he bothered to do all the
stuff he did. I mean, I knew it from a tradition kinda point, but, I didn’t know how he felt about it. So, I asked him why he did what he did and he told me that he’d been through too much bullshit to take chances. (Marisol laughs at the memory.) It’s funny now, but I didn’t laugh back then, and I guess he could see how serious I was on my face, cause he stopped and looked at me, I mean, he really looked at me, and he reached out and held my face like this, and he said “Kiddo, there’s a lot in this world that I don’t understand, and Hashem is one of them, but I do know that helping people is a good thing. I know that visiting the sick is a good thing. Being kind to strangers is a good thing. And if the same God that demands those things also demands that I give Tzedakah and fast on Yom Kippur, then those must be good things too.” (Marisol turns to look at Father Ben.) Sometimes...sometimes when I go to Temple it feels like going home. Or, not home, my home life has almost always been shit, but it’s like what I think going home must feel like. And when I’m sitting there it’s like I was always....like I was meant to....and when they talk about God....when they talk I wanna believe. (Marisol sighs) I don’t know. What if there really isn’t anything there and this, me wanting to, if me wanting to want....what if this is me just trying to make, what if there really isn’t a point? And what if praying and helping people and really wanting to be better and believing in something that makes me want to be better and trying to join a community that wants to make the world better and all of that, what if all of that is just me trying to stall and pretend that anything I’m doing now means something?
FATHER BEN: Oh. Um....well, those are...questions. Which is fine, but, um, I just don’t, uh, know the answers to any of them.
MARISOL: I'm sorry? Nothing? That’s the best you got?
FATHER BEN: Well, I’m not going to lie to you. Yes, I believe in God. Yes, I believe in the sacraments. But if we’re being very very honest, if I knew without a shadow of a doubt that when I prayed someone was quite literally listening to me, that wouldn’t exactly be faith. It would be something else.
MARISOL: But doesn’t it just kill you inside? Not knowing?
FATHER BEN: It....sometimes. But I suppose it’s a matter of trust. I have to trust that someone is listening. I have to trust that the things I do matter, even if I never see where the effects of my actions may end.
MARISOL: But what if I start believing and nothing changes?
FATHER BEN: Then you can stop. But if you’re constantly thinking about it and going to synagogues and churches on your off days, maybe you owe it to yourself to try.
MARISOL: (Marisol leans her head on the back of the pew in front of her) God, if I was born Quaker or a Methodist or something you think my life would be easier?
[SFX: Father Ben and Marisol laugh. Beat.]
FATHER BEN: I know that every church may not be the perfect fit, but if we remember that the smallness of man doesn’t reflect the...the vastness of God, then I think we can find that there are places for us everywhere.
MARISOL: You really believe in all this stuff don’t you?
FATHER BEN: Marisol, I’m a priest.
MARISOL: That doesn’t-
[SFX: Marisol’s phone rings.]
MARISOL: Hold on. (She answers the call. We can’t hear the other line.) Hey, hey…. Yeah, I’m just making a stop in this town. Texarkana… Like, uhhhh, like maybe an hour away? Oh, shoot, really? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Okay. Love you too. See you soon, Ollie.
[SFX: She hangs up.]
FATHER BEN: Is everything all right?
MARISOL: Yeah. My friend’s gonna meet me halfway, I guess there’s this whole carnival, like, 30 minutes north. He made it sound like a pretty good time.
FATHER BEN: Then I guess you have to go.
MARISOL: Yeah. Guess so. Could I get a hug?
FATHER BEN: Oh. Um, okay.
[SFX: The two hug.]
FATHER BEN: I hope you end up exactly where you’re supposed to be. Speaking whatever language you want to speak.
MARISOL: Thanks. Hey, maybe I’ll get a little tattoo of your face or something as a thank you. Kinda like a souvenir.
FATHER BEN: (clearly doesn’t like that idea) Oh, that’s flattering and so thoughtful really that’s-
MARISOL: Hey, watch it, Father. Don’t wanna lie in a church. Thanks though. Really. Next time I’m up this way I’ll stop by. Say hi, maybe.
FATHER BEN: And if I ever take a cruise maybe we’ll run into each other.
MARISOL: Probably not, but it’s a nice thought.
[SFX: She starts to leave, but turns back around.]
MARISOL: Peace be with you, okay?
FATHER BEN: And with your spirit.
[SFX: Marisol snorts.]
MARISOL: Nope. Still hate it.
[MUSIC: Small Victories and Forgive Me! crossover theme tune plays.]
ADAM RAYMONDA: Small Forgiveness is a shared production of Rogue dialogue productions and WGC Productions
Forgive Me! Is a Rogue Dialogue Production.
It was created by Jack Marone, Bob Raymonda, and me, Adam Raymonda
Small Victories was created by Jade Madison Scott
This episode was written and directed by Jade Madison Scott with sensitivity reading by Savina Barini
Here's our cast in order of appearance:
Mo McKynzie as Marisol
Casey Callaghan as Fr. Ben
Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda.
Sound design and scoring by me, Adam Raymonda
Small Victories' original theme was composed by Sterlyn Termine
Forgive Me! Logo by Sam Twardy
Small Victories logo by Julia Patrick
FM Patreon Plug https://www.patreon.com/roguedialogue
WGC Productions can be supported at https://www.patreon.com/withgoodco