Episode transcript - “high holiday”
ADAM: Happy Easter, friends! Today we’ve got another special bonus holiday minisode for you to celebrate the holiday. But, what we’ve also got, is an earnest plea for your support in keeping the lights on for our show. We’re currently crowdfunding season 4 on Indiegogo and have raised (insert % we’re at the time of recording, +$125 to whatever the IGG counter is at) of our goal as of the time I’m recording this. We’ve still got a long way to go, and could really use your help. Check out the link in our show notes to learn more! And in the meantime, please enjoy our 2025 Easter Special: High Holiday.
[SFX: Fr. Ben hums to himself as he gets dressed for Easter Mass. Fr. Klem rustles around in the kitchen.]
FR. KLEM: Benji!
FR. BEN: Yeah?
FR. KLEM: How are you feeling this morning?
FR. BEN: I’m fantastic! Why do you ask?
[SFX: Fr. Klem approaches from the other room.]
FR. KLEM: It’s just… I had something in the fridge that I’d been saving for today. But, when I just opened it up, it was nowhere to be found!
FR. BEN: (sheepish) You mean that plate of brownies?
FR. KLEM: That is precisely what I mean, and you know it!
FR. BEN: I threw them out. You know what Doctor Scupper said to you at your last appointment…
FR. KLEM: You did, did you? Then how come I didn’t see them in the trash can?
FR. BEN: I flushed them down the toilet?
FR. KLEM: Benji, you have fudge all over the corners of your mouth.
FR. BEN: (sigh) Fine! You caught me. I ate them. I could barely sleep last night, thinking about my homily for this morning’s mass, so I needed the sugar rush to get me ready for the day.
FR. KLEM: (bursts out laughing) Holy Goodnight! You ate the entire plate?!
FR. BEN: As if that’s not what you were planning to do.
FR. KLEM: No, contrary to popular belief, I know how to follow the recommended dosage on my drugs.
FR. BEN: Your what?
FR. KLEM: When would you say you committed this baked good belly burglary, my boy?
FR. BEN: I don’t know, fifteen… twenty minutes?
FR. KLEM: And you’re really not starting to feel… funny?
FR. BEN: (realization dawning) What have you done?!
FR. KLEM: I think you’re asking the wrong question there, Benji. What you should be asking is what you’ve done.
FR. BEN: Oh my god, what have I done?!
FR. KLEM: You, my boy, have just eaten three very potent fudge masterpieces of a Dutch variety. Courtesy of the young Mitchell Clark, delivered by the way of his generous mother, Lisa.
FR. BEN: I can’t believe you’d drug me, Klem! This is a new low, even for you.
FR. KLEM: Hey! I’m not the one that told you to get greedy this morning, am I? Those delicacies were for me, thank you very much. Why on earth would I waste that kind of liquid gold on a narc like you?
FR. BEN: (starting to freak out) I can’t even remember the last time I’ve had marijuana, but I can tell you I certainly wasn’t a priest when I did. And now you expect me to deliver Mass to our entire town, on Easter, of all days?! Please, buddy, you’ve got to fill in for me today. Tell everyone that I have a stomach bug. Or a cold. Or that my car broke down on my way in today.
FR. KLEM: I’ll do no such thing! Are you kidding me? Maybe if you’d saved one of them for me, I could stomach the responsibility, but stone cold sober? You couldn’t pay me to get back up there. No, Benji Blunts, your gluttony got you into this mess, now it’s time to get yourself out of it. Besides, we live across the street from St. Pat’s, that car excuse was never gonna get you far.
FR. BEN: (hyperventilating) I can’t feel my face. Why can’t I feel my face?!
FR. KLEM: (chuckling) There it is! Incredible, isn’t it? To absolutely disappear from your physical form, just because of a little fudge chocolate? I hate to say this about anyone but myself, but the boy really is a genius.
FR. BEN: But they didn’t even smell like reefer, are you sure you’re not just pranking me again?
FR. KLEM: You think I’d joke about something as serious as pastries? You really must be high.
FR. BEN: Klem, Klem, Klem. You have to get me out of this mess.
FR. KLEM: The only thing that’s going to get you out of this mess is a Green Freud, Light Brim of the Sun marathon, and maybe a bag of those salty ketchup potato chips we both love so much. Oo! And a jar of bread and butter pickles.
FR. BEN: I know that, but that’s not something I can do in the middle of mass!
FR. KLEM: Why not? Maybe you can get the congregation behind it. Tell them it was Brett and Roger’s idea, since the whole town seems to be so far up the A of A’s keister these days.
FR. BEN: I can’t believe you’re on drugs! I knew things had gotten a bit lax around here since the doughnut incident, but I imagined there was still a little piety cracking around that old noggin’ of yours somewhere.
FR. KLEM: Get off your high horse and back on your little tricycle, Benji, these brownies are medicinal for me. They help me deal with the aches and pains that come from having to clean up after your goofy ass every day of my life.
FR. BEN: But…
FR. KLEM: And it’s legal!
FR. BEN: Not for a teenager, it isn’t!
FR. KLEM: And yet, the last time you remember partaking, you were how old?
FR. BEN: That’s immaterial.
FR. KLEM: I rest my case.
FR. BEN: (incoherent giggling)
FR. KLEM: God, I really wish I had some of what you’re having. What’s so funny now?
FR. BEN: I just noticed the date on my phone.
FR. KLEM: And that is?
FR. BEN: (barely containing himself at this point) It’s 4/20!
FR. KLEM: Ah! Two of our highest holidays, wrapped up into one!
FR. BEN: Look, Klem, I know you’re lapsed, but Catholics don’t have high holidays, that’s really more of a Jewish thing. A bit embarrassing, even by your standards…
FR. KLEM: See! Isn’t it better to have a sense of humor about this whole situation?
FR. BEN: Not when I have to speak in front of everyone I know in t-minus 20 minutes!
FR. KLEM: Ah, give yourself a break. It’s the perfect time for you to apprise them of your Zombie Jesus allegory.
FR. BEN: I’m not the one that’s obsessed with The Shambling Deceased, Klem, that’s you!
FR. KLEM: I know. Don’t remind me. Gosh, you really are having the day I’ve always dreamed of…
FR. BEN: Am I seriously about to do this right now?
FR. KLEM: There’s no way out but through.
FR. BEN: Aw farts…
[SFX: Forgive Me! End credits music begins to play.]
ADAM: Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written, directed, and dialogue edited by Bob Raymonda.
Here’s our cast in order of appearance:
Josh Rubio as Father Klem
Casey Callaghan as Father Ben\
Sound design, score, and mixing by me, Adam Raymonda.
Episode Art by Jack Marone
Graphic Design by Sam Twardy.
Find out what we’re up to by following @forgivemeshow on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
If you’re enjoying these minisodes and are interested in even more of Forgive Me, don’t forget to pay your tithe by donating to our season 4 Indiegogo campaign at the link in our bio!
See you all soon! Thanks.