Episode transcript - “FORGIVE WHERE THE STARS FELL”

[MUSIC: A mashup of the Forgive Me and Where the Stars Fell theme songs plays.]

ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Where the Stars Fell — a crossover.

[SFX: A beautiful spring day, Ed and Lucy are walking around on a gravel trail, Lucy without her cane. They’re lost. Very lost.]

ED: What does that sign say?

LUCY: Saint Patrick’s Catholic Church: “God is gouda, and he’s cheese-d to meet you”.

ED: Are you sure it says “Catholic”?

LUCY: Shockingly, yes.

ED: Great. So we definitely took a wrong turn back at the florist.

LUCY: Perhaps not. It might make sense for a reincarnated prophet to live near the town church.

ED: Yeah, but this is David. They’re pre-Christianity; if anything, they’d be by a synagogue. That’s where Ezekiel put the radio station.

LUCY: I asked the man at the counter, and he said he’d never heard of a “David King”. 

ED: If they’re anything like Ezekiel, we should be looking for a theatre. (BEAT) Or a crew filming Hoarders. 

[SFX: Lucy makes a noncommittal noise that’s a little stressed.]

ED: Your leg okay?

LUCY: I’m going to go get my cane from the truck. 

ED: Princess.

[SFX: Lucy gives her a kiss on the forehead.]

LUCY: I love you. I am not calling it that.

[SFX: She begins to walk away.]

ED: (calling after her) I’ll be right here! 

[SFX: A BEAT as Lucy walks away, and Ed looks around, waiting. Maybe whistles a little. Then, a short intake of breath as she notices:]

ED: Is that–

[SFX: She walks off the gravel path into the grass, following:]

ED: You’re a Hessel’s Hairstreak, aren’t you? What are you doing all the way upstate? No wonder you’re endangered–

[SFX: And Ed is cut off abruptly as, not looking where she’s going, she walks into a tree. A crack as it breaks her nose, and she immediately grabs at it.]

ED: Oh Jesus– Christ! Fuck! God damnit, I just got blood out of this shirt! 

BEN: (from a few yards away) Um- hello? Hello! Sir- oh, no- ma’am, are you alright?

ED: Shit.

[SFX: Too late, Father Ben is already approaching. Ed covers her nose and speaks slightly muffled through her fingers as she tries to hide it.]

BEN: You seem to be- uh, bleeding quite a lot-

ED: It’s fine-

BEN: Do you need me to call an ambulance? Or- I have a first aid kit back at the-

ED: I’m fine, really, it’s just a- actually, nothing is wrong and you can just go-

BEN: Ma’am, there’s blood pouring down your face-

ED: I’m super aware of that, thank you!

BEN: Maybe a– a towel, or something-?

[SFX: Ed takes her hands away from her face on the next line:]

ED: Hey, buddy, I said you can-

[SFX: A BEAT as she realizes what she’s done, just long enough for us to hear the bones and cartilage of her nose snap back into place.]

BEN: Did… I’m sorry, did your nose just heal itself?

ED: Uh- I can explain.

BEN: (mildly horrified, reaching moderately) Okay.

ED: Uh. (stalling) What did you say your name was?

BEN: Father Ben. I’m the head priest here at Saint Patrick’s. Is this a… regular occurrence for you?

ED: (stilted, getting an idea) Yes. Because. I’m. An angel. And that was a miracle.

BEN: …An angel.

ED: Be not afraid?

BEN: Which one?

ED: Uh… (under her breath) Fuck, who do I know- (normal volume) Michael! (in a horrible impression of Mike) I’m the- (natural voice) Nope, absolutely not- Michael. I’m the archangel Michael.

BEN: Really?

ED: What else could I possibly be?

BEN: What are you doing at St. Pat’s?

ED: At your church? Uh, I just, y’know, visit ‘em sometimes. Churches, Synagogues, the works. Helps to keep me connected to the common man. Or woman. Or whatever.

BEN: And out of all the religious congregations in New York State– in America– in the world… you chose to visit us?

ED: Sure.

[SFX: A BEAT where we cannot tell if he’s buying this or not.]

BEN: Well gosh, I’m honored!

ED: You are?

BEN: Absolutely! If the Archangel Michael decided to pay us a visit, we’ve gotta be doing something right. Unless this is more of an intervention…?

ED: No! No, you guys are great! Fantastic stuff, just– holy to the max.

BEN: That’s amazing. Thank you so much, really.

ED: Don’t mention it.

BEN: Would you like a tour?

ED: Hm?

BEN: A tour? Of the church? The light through the stained glass is just beautiful this time of day.

ED: Y’know, I really should be getting back to my, uh, angelic duties–

BEN: Oh please, you came all this way! I insist.

ED: (what if I died right now) Well how could I possibly say no to that?

[SFX: They begin walking towards the church building.]

BEN: So, Michael– can I call you Michael?

ED: Sure. 

BEN: Where did you travel from, Michael? 

ED: Jerusalem.

BEN: (startled laugh) Oh!

ED: O– Oregon. 

BEN: I see. Not heaven? 

ED: Oh. Well. Yeah, duh. But you already knew that.

BEN: I guess I did. What were you doing out in Oregon? 

ED: Oh, you know… working at a diner. 

BEN: A diner?

ED: Yes. I do a little of everything— cook, clean, wait, bus, mop– mostly cleaning. 

BEN: Very interesting. Is there something in the diner that needs protecting? You being the angel of protection and all… 

ED: The whole town does. 

BEN: I see. Jerusalem, Oregon. Never heard of it. 

ED: It’s small. Think, “everyone knows each other’s names and business and blood types” small. 

BEN: Let me guess, they need protection from themselves?

ED: No. Well, yes. But more from plagues of frogs, phoenixes, lions, and slime golems.

BEN: That does sound… dangerous. I’m sure you’re a very busy angel. 

ED: You have no idea.

BEN: Why the diner?

ED: Hm?

BEN: Why is your hub the diner? 

ED: That’s because Gabriel runs it. 

[SFX: Footsteps stop.]

BEN: (BEAT) Gabriel? 

ED: Oh, yes, the Archangel Gabriel is around, too. 

BEN: And did he come with? 

ED: No, she couldn’t– 

BEN: Who else would run the diner?

ED: Exactly.

[SFX: They walk in silence for a moment.]

BEN: So, I’m assuming it’s just you and Gabriel back in Oregon.

ED: No.

BEN: No? (half-joking) I guess there are more angels– 

ED: Yes.

BEN: Yes? Who?

ED: I’m not sure if you’ve heard of her. 

BEN: Try me. 

ED: Uh… Lucy?

BEN: Lucifer? 

ED: No, no, no– 

BEN: My apologies– 

ED: Happens way more often than you’d think. 

[SFX: They stop walking.]

BEN: Well, this is mine. 

ED: I figured.

[SFX: The doors creak open. Ed stands at the threshold long enough for Ben to prompt her.] 

BEN: Come on in, Michael. 

SCENE TWO, INT. ST. PAT’S CHURCH (NAVE) 

[SFX: Fading in, Ben speaks in length about the stained glass windows.]

BEN: …and for the longest time, my favorite had to be the portrayal of the 6th Act of Contrition, Veronica wiping the face of Jesus. The way the sunlight hit the deep red of Jesus’s face on the cloth was something else. But I’ve grown so fond of the final panel of stained glass. There is just something so compelling about all of the red and the dark contrasted against a flying dove. Wouldn’t you agree?

ED: (getting increasingly uncomfortable) Oh, absolutely. 

BEN: (adorkably embarrassed) I’m sure you’ve seen far better stained glass in your lifetime. 

ED: Nah… 

BEN: I find that hard to believe, Michael. There’s some amazing stuff out in Vatican City– 

ED: I’ve never been. 

BEN: You’ve never visited Vatican City?

ED: Nope.

BEN: But you did visit our little Church in Upstate New York?

ED: Well– uh– of course.

BEN: …Well, color me honored! (beat shift) Are you alright?

ED: Hm? 

BEN: You seem uncomfortable.

ED: Oh. I’m just– uh– tired. From traveling. 

BEN: Of course! Sit, sit. Aren’t I an awful host? Going on and on without tending to my divine guest. Sit, I insist. 

[SFX: Ed sits, hesitantly, in a pew.]

ED: It’s alright– 

BEN: Would you like anything to drink? 

ED: Communion wine? 

BEN: We water it down. 

ED: Cut out the middleman, then. 

BEN: Finest bottle of water, coming right up. 

[SFX: Ben exits. Ed waits until he’s fully gone, gets out her phone.]

ED: Text Lucy. “Lucy. At Saint Patrick’s. Weird situation. Think they have a bathroom. Hurry.” Send text. 

[SFX: Ben enters again.]

BEN: Your water, Michael. Sure you wouldn’t prefer it “holy”?

ED: Nah. Too spicy.

[SFX: Ben chuckles at this and sits beside Ed. Ed takes the bottle of water. Sips.]

BEN: So. What brings you here?

ED: We already went over this. 

BEN: No, not here, I mean. What brings you to Earth? 

ED: Oh. Well, I never really leave.

BEN: Oh?

ED: Not for long. The Big Man prefers us to be on the ground. 

BEN: I can appreciate that. 

[SFX: A beat. Ben gets out his phone.]

BEN: Oh, and I think you’ll appreciate this. One of my parishioners recommended this App for me– there are a ton of apps that give you a Bible verse a day, but this one has them in their original Latin. Which is so cool. Check out the verse of the day. 

[SFX: Ben shows Ed his phone. Awkward BEAT.]

ED: I can’t read… Latin. 

BEN: You can’t read Latin? 

ED: Don’t really need it to be a protector of the earth. 

BEN: That’s fair. Um– the verse of today is– well, in English: “For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.” 1 Thessalonians 4:16. It mentioned you!

ED: Neat.

[SFX: Long silence. The two of them sit in the church ambiance.]

BEN: You know, you frightened me at first. 

ED: What’s so scary about a lady running headfirst into a tree?

BEN: Fair enough. When I found out you were the Archangel Michael, I mean. 

ED: Why?

BEN: I thought you were going to tell me the world was ending. 

ED: …Um– w[ell]– uh– 

[SFX: Ben cuts her off with a sigh.]

BEN: Ma’am. (BEAT) I’m messing with you. 

ED: What?

BEN: I know you aren’t an angel. 

ED: (not funny) Funny. How could you tell?

BEN: Well, I still don’t know how you healed your nose like that, but– and I mean no offense, really– you seem just about the furthest thing from an angelic being to me.

ED: (under her breath) You have no idea.

BEN: So, Michael, what’s your real name?

ED: (briefly considering whether to pull rank, then:) Dr. Edison. Tucker. (BEAT, giving him a chance) But just Ed is fine.

BEN: Ed–

ED: And I’m actually the antichrist. 

[SFX: Beat. Ben laughs, thinks she’s kidding. His laugh slowly peters out.]

BEN: Oh, you’re serious. 

ED: As the apocalypse. 

BEN: Ed, do you really expect me to sincerely believe that– 

[SFX: Ed does the eye trick. Ben just about jumps out of the pew.]

ED: Trust me. If this was your life, you wouldn’t find it very funny. 

[SFX: Long BEAT. Neither says anything. Ben’s fear is palpable.]

ED: Look, I’m not here to do anything. Or hurt anyone. I promise.

BEN: Okay. 

ED: Um. And I’m sorry.

BEN: For what?

ED: Panicking. Lying. (BEAT, awkward:) Being like, the number one Catholic bad guy ever– 

BEN: (hoping it’s true) Well, you can’t really help the last part.

ED: I can’t. 

[SFX: Very long, very awkward BEAT. Both do not want to be there.]

BEN: In a twisted way, it’s nice.

ED: What?

BEN: To have my faith confirmed. Even though that isn’t really the point. I’m not supposed to need that confirmation, you know? Proof. And I didn’t but… 

ED: You’re welcome, I guess. 

BEN: Right. Uh. Thanks. (BEAT) It’s nice to find out you’re right. 

ED: “Right.”

BEN: How do you mean?

ED: You aren’t right.

BEN: Am I not talking to the antichrist?

ED: Well, yeah, but am I really how you pictured the antichrist when you learned about him? Pretty sure they don’t mention Carhartts in the Bible.

BEN: No–

ED: By the way, the actual Michael is on Earth. Pretty different from how any religious text describes him. So are demons. If you met the actual angel Gabriel, you’d hurl. 

BEN: But they exist. 

ED: If you met any of them– if you’d been through what I’ve been through– you wouldn’t believe in God either. 

BEN: …Are you an atheist?

ED: I am not above telling a priest to shut the fuck up–

BEN: I’m not going to preach at you. 

[SFX: BEAT. ED believes it.] 

ED: Yeah. I’m an Atheist.

BEN: Okay. Walk me through that.

ED: What do you mean?

BEN: You don’t believe in God. But… your entire existence is kind of proof that he is very much real. Not to mention the devil– heck, you just told me you know several angels and demons. Isn’t claiming that God isn’t real just being willfully obstinate?

ED: No, I definitely believe God is real. I’m a scientist for chrissakes; if there’s one thing I know how to do, it’s accept when the evidence points to something. 

BEN: So, you’re an atheist because you believe science and religion are incompatible?

ED: Nope again. I literally had to fight a slime mold golem one time because of Michael’s science fair project.

BEN: And I would love to circle back to that after we’re done with this conversation–

ED: I said I didn’t believe in God. As in, I don’t think that fucker has a clue what He’s doing.

BEN: …Okay. I’ll be honest, I’ve never heard that argument before.

ED: It’s not an argument. I know for a fact that God exists; you said it yourself, I’m living proof. One of my doctorates is in theology, and I can’t possibly believe that millions of humans across time have just mass hysteria-ed their way into three different Abrahamic religions, one of which is basically built into the cultural bedrock of this country. But see, just because something exists doesn’t mean you have to believe that it’s got it all right. I look around– hell, I look at my life right now and what I’m trying really hard to prevent from happening– and I just can’t go along with the idea that this is what’s according to plan. You’re telling me things like war, genocide, country music written after 9/11- that’s the plan He’s got for us? And I’m just expected to be okay with that being what happens? If an omnipotent, omniscient being beyond time and space says that I had to see five people from my hometown die of black lung before I turned eight, I should be allowed to say no, I don’t think that’s actually the best idea, and you should lose your job. I believe armadillos exist. I just don’t think they should get to be, y’know, president.

BEN: Hm. Alright. I can see that perspective. But I also think that there are plenty of people throughout history who have gone through terrible, difficult experiences and come out the other side feeling even closer to God. Sometimes He really does test us, and our faith, to make us stronger.

ED: Yeah, but be honest: most of us just end up needing therapy, not Jesus. And hell– my girlfriend is Jewish if you want to get into that perspective; tons of Jewish people completely lost their faith in God after the Holocaust. Some of ‘em believed He was long dead, or just the aforementioned bad at His job, or just cared so much about the bigger picture that He didn’t think to, y’know, maybe stop six million of his supposed kids from dying. Sure, some of them just up and stopped believing God existed. But a lot of them essentially said, “This is still my community and these are my people, but buddy, you’re fired”. 

BEN: Well, that’s certainly not my place to debate, but I still disagree. I think the whole point is that the picture is so, so, so big that it’s entirely beyond our human comprehension. (a question:) Maybe even angelic?

ED: I mean, yeah, I’ve asked and they don’t have a clue.

BEN: Exactly. And I think that beyond the faith, blind or not, the Bible has a lot of important things to teach us about how to be a good person. I question its content all the time– it’s part of being a good student– but I know that Jesus himself said, if you take only one thing away from God’s teachings, it’s to treat other people how you’d like to be treated. That’s a really valuable framework to see the world through.

ED: Okay. So, following your argument: believing in God and what He teaches is good because it gives you a moral code that, in practice, aims at making the world a better place.

BEN: Yes.

ED: Cool. What happens when you stop believing?

BEN: Sorry?

ED: You structure your entire sense of right and wrong and how to treat other people around the idea that because God says this is how you should do it, that’s what you do. Imagine you realize that He maybe doesn’t know what He’s doing– hell, imagine you leave the church for any number of reasons that tons of people do. By your argument, what are they supposed to use for their moral code now? What’s to stop them from just running around killing and looting? Some people take that shit really literally. As in, Leviticus literally. Romans literally. 

BEN: (knows exactly what she’s referring to) Unfortunately, yes.

ED: (building anger) Yeah, so you admit it! It’s a really, really bad idea to base how you treat other people off a bunch of books some guys supposedly wrote thousands of years ago because, guess what, you can use language like that to justify pretty much anything! You can do the Crusades! You can burn people at the stake! You can tell little fucking kids that they’re going to hell for no other reason than–

[SFX: Throughout Ed’s rant, we hear the occasional spark and a building buzzing sound. Now she cuts herself off as her shield suddenly springs up around her. Of course, to the unknowing eye, it looks like she just burst into flames.]

BEN: OH MY GOD!

ED: Wh– Oh shit, shit– sorry! Sorry! I’m not on fire, I swear, it’s just my– my shield, hold on–

[SFX: She takes a few deep breaths, calming herself down, and the shield finally lowers.]

ED: Sorry. It kind of comes out of nowhere when I get nervous. (BEAT) Please tell me you’re not having a heart attack, I am not that kind of doctor.

BEN: No, no, I… I’m fine. I think I just got my first few grey hairs, but I’m fine. 

ED: Sorry. I’m not… I’m not mad at you. 

BEN: I know.

ED: And I– wait, what?

BEN: Ed, I’m a Catholic priest. I know what religious trauma looks like. 

ED: …Right. I guess you probably assumed from all that, and the accent, and… yeah.

BEN: I had a feeling. And I’m certainly not going to tell you that what happened to you was okay, much less a reflection of what I think Christianity should be. But…

ED: Ho boy.

BEN: I do have an answer for you. Regarding your concern about where to base your moral code.

ED: (skeptical) Oh, really?

BEN: Really. I went to college too, y’know. You have to do a lot of school to wear these robes. Now, if you asked me to remember anything from my freshman year Algebra course, I’d be stumped, but I did take more than a few philosophy classes. And, you might be surprised to know, enough sciences to cover my Gen Eds.

ED: Can you give me one fact other than “Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell”?

BEN: Isaac Newton died a virgin. Which is ironic, considering he was staunchly anti-Catholic.

[SFX: Ed bursts into shocked laughter. The mood softens.]

ED: Okay, fine. What’s your answer?

BEN: Jesus was not the first person to say, “Be kind to each other,”. There were elephants mourning their dead, and sea otters hugging while they slept to keep each other from floating away, long before He was born. You are kind to other people because they’re people. And people are all we’ve got.

[SFX: BEAT. Ed isn’t really sure what to say to this.]

BEN: I believe in God because the Bible says that He loves me. I know that I am not just loved no matter what, even when I doubt myself, or make mistakes, or hurt other people– but worthy of that love. Choosing to believe in God means choosing to believe that I am worth creating a wonderful life for myself and the people I care about. Most of it is a metaphor anyway. And when we get it right, it’s just another reason to take care of one another.

[SFX: Ben turns in the pew to fully face Ed.]

BEN: So, you’re trying to stop the apocalypse.

ED: Yeah.

BEN: Okay. So, while that is objectively terrifying to me, I know that there isn’t anything I, personally, can do to stop it. What I can do is use the time I have here on Earth to help my community, and try to make the world one that’s worth saving.

ED: (smiling) That’s a pretty Jewish sentiment for a Catholic.

BEN: The best student learns from all his teachers.

ED: Yeah, well… I can’t say it’s not overwhelming. But we’re doing the best we can.

BEN: …Sorry, “we”–?

[SFX: The front door of the church flies open and, in a burst of light and sound, Lucy storms inside, wings beating and sword drawn. She freezes when she sees Ed unharmed.]

BEN: …Aw, farts!

LUCY: I am the Hashmall Lucille, and I command you to– Edison?

ED: Hi, honey. I’m just now realizing I probably could have worded that text better.

BEN: Is that… ah… is this the girlfriend?

[SFX: Ed stands up from the pew and walks towards LUCY and the door. Lucy, mortified, follows after her.]

ED: (cheerfully) This is an angel. Bye!

[SFX: The door to the church swings shut behind them.]

[MUSIC: The Forgive Me! end credits music begins to play.]

ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Where the Stars Fell! is a production of Caldera Studios and Rogue Dialogue. This episode was written by Newton Shottelkotte and Lucy Brown.

With story editing by Bob Raymonda and Jack Marone.

Directed by Newton Shottelkotte and Bob Raymonda

Here’s our cast in order of appearance:
Newton Shottelkotte as Ed
Madelyn Harvieux as Lucy
Casey Callaghan as Father Ben

Where The Stars Fell Main Theme by Tyler Petty.

Forgive Me Theme! And this crossover theme by me, Adam Raymonda.

To find out more about Where the Stars Fell, head over to https://wherethestarsfell.com/