Episode transcript - “Forgive Arden: The Pranked Priests of St. Patrick’s parish”

ANDY: Hello to all our new listeners in the town of Texarkana, New York. The podcast you’re listening to is Arden. Brought to you by Wheyface Industries. The good people.

[SFX: A tape recorder clicks.]  

FR. BEN: (very poor mic technique) Ok, so I should just sit here like…

BEA: No, you’re going to want to be much closer to the mic.

FR. BEN: Oh, uh, like this.

BRENDA: Yeah, that’s much better.

FR. KLEM: Is this good?

ANDY: Yep! All set!

FR. KLEM: Agh! Who was that?

ANDY: It’s me! Andy Wheyface! I’m here in the booth to make sure everything goes swimmingly with my good pal Tennessee on the buttons and sliders.

FR. BEN: Oh ok. Well hello, uh, audience. Listeners. My name is Father Ben.

FR. KLEM: And I’m Father Klem.

BEA: You don’t need to introduce yourselves. And you don’t need to talk to the audience. It’s just going to be like a normal conversation with us. We can add additional context later if we need it.

FR. BEN: Oh, ok! Sorry, I’ve never been on a podcast before. I’m really excited to be here and I wanna get it right.

BRENDA: Are we ready to go?

ANDY: Ready and champing at the bit!

[MUSIC: Arden backing music starts playing.]

BRENDA: Donuts. For many Americans who practice the Christian faith, the donut is 90% of the reason for going to church. When the final Amen is said, the parish flocks to the basement to try and snag a chocolate frosted before they're all gone. But for one Catholic church in Texarkana, New York, the donut has taken on a dual nature— the heart of their annual Donut Festival and an omen of misfortune. Three years ago, tragedy struck when Father Klem had to be rushed to the hospital after suffering from a heart attack mid-donut eating competition. And last year, during the triumphant return of the Donut Festival after its long hiatus, the Armada of Amerigo lounge and bowling alley burned to the ground in a donut oil fire. But were both of these incidents natural causes? Or was there someone who would stand to benefit from the hole in the middle of the parish where a building used to be? Join us won’t you. As we unravel the mystery, on…

FR. BEN: Wait, I’m sorry, this isn’t about the arson case.

BEA: What? I thought we were…

FR. BEN: No, we wrapped that up months ago. 

BEA: (disappointed) But this was supposed to be a series to discover who burned down the building and figure out what this story can teach about the tensions ignited in small town American Catholic churches between those who are looking to radically transform their parishes with progressive views and inclusivity, and the traditionalists who are holding them back.

FR. BEN: While that does sound like a great concept for a season of a podcast, that’s not what we’re here to talk to you about.

BRENDA: And what would that be?

FR. KLEM: An even bigger, more important mystery… The mystery of who has been tormenting us!

FR. BEN: Tormenting is a big word. I would say more like pranking.

FR. KLEM: Torment! You minimize the agony I have been through! 

BEA: Oh… uh… Andy, what is this? I thought this was an arson case. Is this really what we’re here for? 

ANDY: Are you kidding me? Tormented priests? An unknown mischievous and/or malevolent perpetrator? Where’s your sense of journalistic curiosity, Bea? This is a real scoop!

BRENDA: Yeah Casely! I think it’s about time we had a more light hearted case. No disappearances or murders. Just some good ol’ fashioned pranking!

FR. KLEM: Torment!

BRENDA: Torment. My apologies. 

BEA: Ok… well… then… Can you tell me when this started?

FR. KLEM: Agh, it burns my nostrils even to think about! That stinking port-a-potty at the Lake Little Toe Bigfoot Jamboree.

BEA: (knowingly) I just need to clarify for our listeners that this is a Bigfoot Jamboree, not a Skunk Ape Jamboree, correct?

BRENDA: (under her breath) Bea…

FR. BEN: Is there a difference?

BRENDA: YES there’s a difference. Can we please move on? You were at this Bigfoot Jambor?

FR. KLEM: Ah yes. I personally don’t really go in for all the Bigfoot hullabaloo, but I will never pass up a chance at Greg’s Greasy Grub Truck. Their Garbage Plates are out of this world!

FR. BEN: AND should probably NOT be eaten by people who have survived a heart attack.

FR. KLEM: Ah phooey on you. Anyways, I had just finished up my Garbage Plate, when my Garbage Plate decided it was not finished with me. A little faster than usual too. I rushed as fast as I could to the nearest port-a-potty and…

FR. BEN: That’s probably enough detail for that part of the story.

FR. KLEM: The people want to know! NEED to know!

BRENDA: Actually I think we’re good. So after you… did your business?

FR. KLEM: Well this is  the embarrassing part. You know I’m not as young as Benji over here. And I have a proclivity towards taking a nap after a filling meal. And…

BEA: (astonished) You fell asleep in a port-a-potty?

FR. KLEM: It was taking a long time and I was tired! 

BRENDA: (under her breath) Oh god…

FR. KLEM: So I wake up who-knows-how-long later, and I go to open the door and it’s stuck!

FR. BEN: Someone had moved one of those giant wooden bigfoot statues in front of the door and stuck an “Out of Order” sign on it!

FR. KLEM: It was awful. All of a sudden I was painfully aware of the smell! The walls were closing in! I banged and banged! I yelled as loud as I could!

FR. BEN: Thank goodness Darla was there.

DARLA: Father Klem? Father Klem is that you? Hold on a minute! I’ll get help! We’ll get you out of there!

FR. BEN: Agh! What was that?

ANDY: Oh sorry! Forgot to mention! We’re doing this episode a little differently to speed up production! We got our man Tennessee to go out to Texarkana and record a bunch of the people in the town saying anything that could possibly be relevant! So you might be hearing them throughout. He’s ready on the soundboard whenever the moment strikes!

TENNESSEE: I  got every recordin’ we could possibly need on this board right here!

ANDY: Holy schnitzel! That wasn’t even him speaking just then! That was a button on the sound board! This guy is good.

FR. BEN: And you have recordings of…

BEA: Just… don’t worry too much. You get used to it.

BRENDA: So I take it you knew the person who rescued you? Darla was it?

FR. BEN: She’s a former parishioner and a cherished member of our community.

BRENDA: Was there anyone else there you might have known?

FR. KLEM: Oh all sorts! The Lake Little Toe Bigfoot Jamboree is a huge deal!

FR. BEN: Over the years it’s become less about the Bigfoot evangelists and more just a chance for the community to come together and eat fried food. The firefighters bring out the engines. Our church’s youth group runs carnival games for the little ones. The old folks home runs a tent with square dancing!

BRENDA: But you believe that this bigfoot port-a-john debacle was targeted? Not just a random chance?

FR. BEN: Well we did think that. That is… until the phone call.

[SFX: A ring ring comes from the booth.]

FR. BEN: Wow that Tennessee guy is on it…

FR. BEN: (on the recording) Hello! Father Ben speaking.

FR. BEN: WAIT HOW DID…

BEA: I know, I know. You gotta just roll with it Father.

CLARA: (with a vocal disguise effect to pitch down her voice) Benjamin Moynahan. This is Clarence Martinson, calling from the New York State Gothic Architecture Enthusiasts Society. You’ve been specially selected for a “by invitation only” tour of the private rooms of the Boldt Castle. Be there this Sunday at 7 am sharp.

[SFX: Click. Crickets around the table.]

FR. BEN: Ok, just going to ignore how you have a recording of a PRIVATE phone call from weeks before you reached out to us. But anyways… 

BRENDA: I’m sorry, I’m confused. You got invited by some group to go see some kind of castle? In New York?

FR. BEN: Not just some group. THE group. The NYSGAES is THE most prestigious gothic architecture appreciation society east of the Mississippi.

BEA: (aside) There’s a more prestigious one west of the Mississippi?

FR. BEN: And it’s not just ANY old castle. This is the Boldt Castle! It’s a castle on an island in the St. Lawrence River on the Border with Canada. It was commissioned by hotel magnate George Boldt in 1900. And construction stopped when his wife died and the…

FR. KLEM: Nerd alert! Ben, if they want to learn more about the castle they can do the goggling of it later! Get on with the story.

FR. BEN: Fine. So anyways, I drive 4 hours to Heart Island and… nothing! No ones there! Another prank! 

FR. KLEM: But that’s not even the real tragedy. In fact I would even go as far as to say that Ben wasn’t even the real victim here! He got a nice drive and a day off! Meanwhile…

FR. BEN: Oh brother.

FR. KLEM: …his little Sunday morning excursion  meant that I had to say the mass. I had to give the homily. It was terrible. 

FR. KLEM: (on a recording in the church) So today is the fourth Sunday of Easter. Just keeps on going, doesn’t it! Fortunately it was a pretty short gospel, so I’ll follow suit! Jesus tells us that he is a good shepherd, and that he would lay down his life for his flock. Something to think about! Maybe we should do the same?

[SFX: A brief cough in the congregation.]

BRENDA: Yeah, I’m not Catholic but I agree. That wasn’t very good.

FR. KLEM: No not the quality of the homily. The quantity! I haven’t done a homily since before my heart attack! It was terrible! Do you know how long it took to figure out what I wanted to say? I could have been doing anything else!

BEA: Aren’t the homilies like… 80% of the job?

FR. BEN: (slightly gritted teeth) Not for some people it’s not.

FR. KLEM: Look, I’m not young! I’m not hip to the jive like Benji here! What could I possibly have to offer to the congregation?

BRENDA: A lifetime of experience?

FR. KLEM: Eh. I had to learn it the hard way. Why shouldn’t they?

BEA: Ok, so you were locked in a porta-potty and Father Ben was sent on a wild gothic goose chase. 

FR. KLEM: AND I had to do the homily.

BEA: And you had to do the homily. Anything else?

FR. KLEM: Only the worst one of the bunch!

BEA: Worse that being locked in a porta-potty?

BRENDA: Worse than that homily?

FR. KLEM: Worst then all of that! They did the setting me on fire!

BRENDA: They set you on fire?

FR. KLEM: They said my hat made me look like a failed Scottish golfer.

TANNA: The only nail polish color that would look good on you is OPI’s Infinite Shine “You’re the Zest” Orange.

EMMA: Oh snap! Got ‘im!

BRENDA: Ohhhh - roasted. They roasted you.

FR. KLEM: Yes! They set me on fire with their hurtful words! 

CAITLIN: It’s giving divorced dad with too many hobbies.

ANDREW: Priest can’t get married, Caitlin. How could he be divorced?

JEREMY: That’s true actually.

CAITLIN: He doesn't have to have been actually married to give off big divorced dad energy.

JEREMY: That’s also true.

BEA: Teenagers are terrifying.

[SFX: All agreeing on top of eachother.]

BRENDA: Yep.

FR. KLEM: You can say that again.

FR. BEN: Oh yeah.

FR. KLEM: But I don’t know why they would do that when they could have just waited for Benji to come back! He’s the uncool one!

FR. BEN: Thanks for that.

BEA: You were there too?

FR. BEN: Yes. Father Klem and I visit the youth group once a month to offer confession. I was helping Clara, the youth group leader, go out and get the pizzas. Apparently they had all just memorized the Beatitudes so they were getting regular pizza and dessert pizza from Pizza Fetts to celebrate. It was a two person job to bring them all in.

BRENDA: So… it sounds to me like case closed. It was the youth group kids all along. Just a bunch of pranks.

FR. KLEM: Not so hasty! Some of it just doesn’t add up!

FR. BEN: While I don’t appreciate the way that Father has expressed the sentiment, Father Klem is correct. The youth group loves him. I am usually the one who gets made fun of.

BEA: Well I suppose that’s something, but it feels tenuous at best.

FR. BEN: But then there’s the invitation from the NYSGAES. For one, it was a call to my personal phone, which I don’t hand out to anyone. Really only church volunteers and other clergy. And the details of the call were just so specific. Not your usual prank call fair. And pretty cruel to send me on a four hour drive for nothing. Teenagers can be mean, but I really don’t think any of the youth at our parish would do something like that.

BRENDA: I also have to say, the voice on the line didn’t really sound like a kid. 

BEA: Did you recognize that voice? Clarence Martinson I think it was?

FR. BEN: Well, the NYSGAES is kind of a secret society. The names of the top leadership are kept a secret to prevent bribery or corruption.

BRENDA: That serious, huh?

ANDY: It’s true. I haven’t said anything because it really is that secretive. But I’m actually the chief diplomat to the NYSGAES for the LASGAES.  And also the Cleveland branch’s representative to the LAESGAES. And the Isle of… well, we don’t need to get into it.

BEA: (under her breath) Of course he is…

ANDY: I shouldn’t be saying any of this but my term is almost at its end and I’ve decided not to run for re-election. It just gets to be too much when you’re a part of so many secret societies! The scheduling alone is just exasperating. Everyone wants a midnight meeting for the glamor of it all, but –

BRENDA: Andy. Does the name Clarence Martinson mean anything to you?

ANDY: Not that I know of!

BEA: Well, I suppose this does seem like a pretty advanced prank call.

FR. KLEM: And then there’s the shits!

FR. BEN: Ugh, Klem, we do not need to return to this…

BRENDA: Yeah I think we got all the details on that.

FR. KLEM: But I’m telling you! I know what a Garbage Plate usually does to me and this was NOT it! That thing ran through me faster than ____________

FR. BEN: Wait… I… ugh…

BEA: What?

FR. BEN: I just figured out who did it.

BRENDA: Really? Who?

FR. BEN: I… I can’t say. I would be breaking the seal of the confessional.

BEA: So that’s… that’s just it? You can’t like, give us a hint. Or another clue?

FR. BEN: I think it would be highly unethical for me to continue to help. I mean, you all can continue investigating but I can’t help you any more.

FR. KLEM: You can tell me though! Why don’t you just whisper it in my ear?

FR. BEN: Klem you know I can’t do that.

FR. KLEM: Heh, yeah, I know,  I just wanted to see if I could trip you up.

BEA: Ok… well… Andy? What do you want us to do about all this?

ANDY: I don’t know! This is usually when you do a monologue about the meaning of it all and send us off with a message! I’m sure you can think of something!

TENNESSEE: You’ve got this Bea. I believe in you!

BEA: Ok, rude that you had that prerecorded… But you know that’s not how this works Andy. I need a script or at least some notes to go off of. I can’t just do this off the top of my head! 

FR. KLEM: Maybe I could take a shot at it?

FR. BEN: Really?

FR. KLEM: Oh sure. I really feel like I have a handle on what this whole case means.

BRENDA: Ok Father. You seem like you’ve got this!

FR. KLEM: Music!

[MUSIC: Arden piano music begins to play again.]

FR. BEN: Wait, what?

FR. KLEM: Today, we heard about two priests who have been tormented by an unknown assailant. Harrowing stories! Bullied, bamboozled, and trapped in porta potties. Things no priest, nay, no man, NAY, no person should ever have to go through! But then, simply by recounting the stories, Father Ben was able to figure out who did it! Something to think about! Maybe we  could learn something from it!

[SFX: Music stops abruptly.]

FR. BEN: Yeah, that’s about right.

BEA: Ok.

BRENDA: Sure.

ANDY: Perfect! Tennessee, let’s export that dot mp3 and get this bad boy on the internet!

[MUSIC: Forgive Me! End credits music begins to play.]

BOB RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Is a Rogue Dialogue Production. It was created by Jack Marone, Adam Raymonda, and Bob Raymonda. Logo design by Sam Twardy, with composition by Adam Raymonda. Arden was created by Emily St. James, Chris Dole, and Sarah Ghaleb. It is executive produced by Christopher Dole, Eli Barraza, and Emily St. James. Logo design by Dylan Farr and music by Christopher Hadfield.

This episode was written by T.H. Ponders and directed by Chris Dole, T.H. Ponders, and Bob Raymonda. Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda. Sound design by Chris Dole and T.H. Ponders. 

Here's our cast in order of appearance: 
Casey Callaghan as Fr. Ben 
Michelle Agrestti as Bea 
Tracey Sayed as Brenda 
Ben Watts as Andy Wheyface 
Josh Rubino as Fr. Klem
 Sarah Rhea Werner as Darla 
James Oliva as Tennessee 
Krystal Osborne as Clara 
Jordan Stillman as Tanna 
Sam Twardy as Emma 
Leslie Gideon as Caitlin 
T.H. Ponders as Jeremy

And that’s it for our summer of crossovers! Next month, we’ll return with a Halloween episode starring none other than Jeffrey Cranor, co-creator of Welcome to Night Vale, with a script by Jeff Van Dreason! 

Stick around for the solution to this low-stakes mystery during our post credits scene, and head on over to the Arden feed to hear an alternate ending!

POST CREDIT SCENE:

[SFX: The confessional opens.]

CLARA: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It’s been one week since my last confession. 

[SFX: Ben is trying to hold it in.]

FR. BEN: (to himself) Deep breath. (to Clara) What would you like to confess?

CLARA: Well, I told my boyfriend that it was Gus who knocked his antique Maple Syrup dispenser off of the counter, when it was really just me being clumsy. And I had a number of impure thoughts while watching Gladiator. And now I’m very excited for the sequel. But I’m going to do my best to keep that excitement… restrained. And that’s about it.

FR. BEN: Is there anything else you’d like to confess?

CLARA: (a little nervous)  Nope, that’s it.

FR. BEN: (pushing a little) Nothing at all?

CLARA: I… You figured it out didn’t you? What gave it away?

FR. BEN: I’ll admit, you had us both fooled. You probably could have picked a name that was a little further from your own- Clarence Martinson, Clara Martin. But remarkably what actually gave it away was when Klem described his post-Garbage Plate experience. And the… remarkable… speed at which it went through him. I thought maybe someone might be up to their old tricks?

CLARA: Alright, you got me. I did put laxatives in Father Klem’s garbage plate.

FR. BEN: And then traped him in the bathroom behind a Bigfoot statue?

CLARA: Well technically Russel is the one who moved the bigfoot statue in front of the porta potty. But I just told him that the organizers wanted to keep people from going in because it was out of order. So yeah, that one was me too.

FR. BEN: Clara, why did you put Father Klem and I through all of this? 

CLARA: Uh… I… Well, I better spit it out. I’m sorry Father, but your homilies are just too long. You go on and on, and there’s never any time to keep the music going after the eucharist! And no one wants to sit and listen to music at the end of the service any more. It’s just “Go in peace to love and serve the Lord. Thanks be to God.” and everyone is out of there! I thought maybe when Father Klem got back we’d at least have some weeks of shorter homilies. But he’s barely done a single one!

FR. BEN: So how was any of this supposed to lead to Father Klem giving more sermons!

CLARA: Well at first I thought maybe another near death experience, like being trapped in a porta potty for hours, might do it. But that didn’t work. Then I thought maybe if he was just reminded of how much he loves giving the homily he might want to do them more often.

FR. BEN: So you sent me away so that Father Klem would have to give the homily.

CLARA: That’s right. But that didn’t work either! Finally as a last resort I thought maybe if he was taunted by the youth group he would at least want to give a homily to address that!

FR. BEN: Wait, the dessert pizzas… You bribed the youth group into bullying Father Klem.

CLARA: Well when you put it like that... But nothing was working! 

FR. BEN: Clara, I think we’ve been over this before. If you felt like the music wasn’t getting enough attention during the mass, you could have just let me know. I would be happy to give a shorter homily from time to time to make space for the choir to perform after the eucharist. I think music is an essential part of worship, and I’d be happy to give it more space.

CLARA: Would you really do that Father Ben?

FR. BEN: I will. But first you have some serious penance to do.

CLARA: You’re right father. I never should have done it. I just felt such desperation, and it felt like the only thing I could do was to keep coming up with elaborate schemes to make it happen without having to talk to anyone about it.

FR. BEN: I know it’s hard to ask for what we want, especially when you were afraid that asking for more music might mean hurting my feelings for giving such long homilies. I think the most important thing you need to do is talk to the youth group. I think you need to start by telling the youth group that bullying is never ok. Even when they are offered dessert pizza. The example you set for them  is unacceptable.

CLARA: Ok Father, I can do that.

FR. BEN: And Clara…

CLARA: Yes father?

FR. BEN: I would really, really love this to be the last time that your confession involves dosing people with laxatives.

CLARA: I’ll try my best Father.

[SFX: Confessional doors close.]

FR. BEN: Clara! We still have to say the Act of… Oh bother.