Episode transcript - “Confessions With Klem: TRAVIS”

[MUSIC: The Forgive Me theme music plays.]

[SFX: We hear the sound of the curtain opening and closing as someone sits down.]

FR. KLEM: (after a moment of silence) Can I help you, child?

TRAVIS: (surprised) Wow, you sound a lot older than I thought you’d be.

FR. KLEM: So’s your mother, kid, but you don’t see me going around and commenting on it.

TRAVIS: You know my mom? But we’re not even Catholic!

FR. KLEM: (chuckles) No, just a bad joke on my part. Although I must admit, I’m not really sure why you’re here wasting my time if there isn’t some deep seated guilt burning through you right now.

TRAVIS: Yeah… I don’t really know what I’m doing here either. I guess I’ll just get going.

[SFX: Travis starts to stand and open the curtain.]

FR. KLEM: Hold on, hold on. You kids these days are so damn sensitive. I didn’t mean you shouldn’t be here. I’m just genuinely curious why you are if you don’t have to be.

TRAVIS: (sitting again) Heh. My coworker Mitchell… he said his mom made him come confess to something he didn’t even feel bad about, and that you actually really helped him put some stuff in perspective. I figured, since I’ve got something that’s really bugging me, maybe you could help me too.

FR. KLEM: I hate to break it to you, bud, but that was a different priest. My colleague is typically out here doing the Lord’s work but he’s suffering from some… intestinal distress and has me playing pinch hitter.

TRAVIS: Are you saying you can’t help me?

FR. KLEM: Can’t? I never said that now. You just better strap in, because Benji and I are on two completely separate planets when it comes to giving advice.

TRAVIS: Okay…

FR. KLEM: Now, c’mon then. Out with it. What’s eating away so bad at your insides that you’d cross our holy threshold and prostrate yourself at the feet of this humble German priest?

TRAVIS: It’s just… There’s this girl I really like.

FR. KLEM: There always is, isn’t there?

TRAVIS: (ignoring him) And we’ve been talking for awhile. At first we just chatted while crushing noobs on Call of Booty Online… but eventually she gave me her number and we started texting all the time too.

FR. KLEM: I understood about half of what you just said, but keep going.

TRAVIS: So we’re constantly talking and it seems like things might actually go somewhere for once. Which, if you knew me, you’d know is not ever how these things go for me. But then the other day she asked me for a picture of myself.

FR. KLEM: (clearing his throat) Code Blue.

TRAVIS: What?

FR. KLEM: Nothing son, please continue.

TRAVIS: And, the thing is, it should have been easy right? I’m sitting there, texting her in my room. It’s actually clean for once and I’ve got this perfect mood lighting because of the string lights my mom lets me keep up all year round. But in the moment I froze. Cause, like, I know you can’t see me, but I’ve never had a ton of confidence about the way I look…

FR. KLEM: Can I tell you a secret? Most people don’t. And if they act like they do? They’re probably lying.

TRAVIS: I know that… it’s just, my best friend Chet? He’s never really had to try with this stuff. Girls, sure, but like… the way he looks either. I mean trust me, he eats just as many free Burgers from work, and plays just as many video games as I do, and yet somehow he’s still ripped? Like, looks like he could be the son of Arnold Schwarzenegger ripped? And for some reason, in a moment of sheer panic, I texted this girl a picture of him instead of myself.

FR. KLEM: I can see where this is beginning to pose a problem for you.

TRAVIS: At the time, I thought everything would be fine. She lives like 3 hours away and neither of us can drive, so it’s not like we can go on any in-person dates any time soon. But now she’s asking me to video chat all the time and I’m running out of excuses for her. And the thing is? Like, there’s a simple answer to this conundrum: I can just ghost her. It’d be a shitty thing to do, but it stops me from taking this any further or hurting her for real.

FR. KLEM: But then you’re the one hurting. You’d be depriving yourself of a sincere connection that you’ve built up with this girl through your own sense of goodwill and charm. 

TRAVIS: I don’t know how else I’m going to get myself out of this situation.

FR. KLEM: Have you considered just telling her the truth? 

TRAVIS: I mean… no? Why the heck would I blow my cover like that? Wouldn’t she just think I’m a total catfish weirdo and write me off entirely?

FR. KLEM: She definitely might. I mean, if I’m being honest, it’s a pretty damn weird thing that you did, though I have no idea what catfish have anything to do with this. But you’re not giving her the opportunity to make that decision for herself. Whether or not she can understand a sensitive boy like you succumbing to fear and stupidity in a vulnerable moment should really be up to her, shouldn’t it?

TRAVIS: That just feels like I’m setting myself up for complete and utter heartbreak. 

FR. KLEM: You don’t know that for sure… but even if you are, you care about this girl, right?

TRAVIS: More than anybody I’ve ever met.

FR. KLEM: Then wouldn’t you rather be the one feeling that way, than inflicting that kind of pain on her?

TRAVIS: (sigh) I suppose you’re right.

FR. KLEM: And hey, you’re what… seventeen? You wouldn’t believe the weird and stupid stuff I did when I was your age. And we didn’t even have the internet to put our feet in our mouths with back then!

TRAVIS: (chuckling) Alright, father. I’ll think about it.

FR. KLEM: Good, now get outta here fish boy. I’ve got better places to be than listening to you whine any longer!

[MUSIC: Forgive Me end credits music plays.]