Episode transcript - “Confessions With Klem: ANGELA”
[MUSIC: Forgive Me theme song plays.]
[SFX: Confessional booth opens and closes as Angel enters]
ANGELA: Thank God.
FR. KLEM: Yes, you’ve come to the right place! I mean, you don’t usually get to do that until after the confession, but…
ANGELA: I was worried you were the other Priest. You see -
FR. KLEM: No need to explain. If I was you or anyone else in this town and you had a 50/50 chance of getting myself or Benji? It’s barely worth the coin you’d need to toss.
ANGELA: I like Father Ben, but he recently saw my daughter in Red Line and he won’t shut up about how I need to go and visit.
FR. KLEM: Yes, he was quite taken with that kooky train town. And yes, with little Nicky out there now? I’m surprised you haven’t visited already, Angela.
ANGELA: And that’s what brings me here. I feel terrible but - I don’t want to go and visit! Nichole has bounced all over the place. I visited her in LA, I visited her in Denver. But… I hate Boston. I hated it before a whole section of that dirty water town went completely subterranean. It’s disgusting, the Red Sox are an abomination of a baseball team, and their sewer rats are the size of gargoyles.
FR. KLEM: Go Yankees!
ANGELA: Exactly. More like the Red Sucks, am I right? … Sorry - that’s a very…inappropriate thing to say to you, I’m sure.
FR. KLEM: Please. When it comes to baseball, all bets are off. Aside from the ones I make with Hugo down at the Legion. Those better be on and my relationship with the lord better pay out big!
ANGELA: Um, what?
FR. KLEM: Forget it, you’re confessing, not me. I have to be honest with you Angela, I’m not picking up on any sins here.
ANGELA: Aren’t I being a terrible mother though? She keeps telling me to come check out her broadcasts. She’s a news person now! Because of course she is! And I’m proud of her, I’m *always* proud of her, but it’s all local news and I can’t check it out unless I’m in town.
FR. KLEM: Have they never heard of YouTube?
ANGELA: That’s what I said! But she also just thinks it’s so darn quirky that Red Line is a city and a train and all that. And to me? I went to Boston quite a few times back in the day and I’ve been on those subway lines packed full of red-haired, beer bloated, bigoted fans. You think I want to live through that again? No sir, no thanks, not even to visit.
FR. KLEM: Again, not wanting to take a trip to hell is not a sin! Quite the opposite!
ANGELA: But aren’t I neglecting Nichole if I don’t visit?
FR. KLEM: She’s neglecting you! She’s neglecting us! When is the last time she came to visit you, huh? I haven’t seen little Nicky since she was in knee highs. That’s neglect, not you. You’ve got to look out for yourself too. And make her feel guilty for not coming around.
ANGELA: But she’s so busy. I mean this whole journalism career.
FR. KLEM: Busy? Pheh! Are you not busy? Am I not busy? You’re my third confession today!
ANGELA: It’s …five PM though.
FR. KLEM: Do you know how people go on around here?
ANGELA: So I should be honest with her about why I don’t want to come?
FR. KLEM: What’s the need? Just say you can’t and that *you’re* busy. And make her feel guilty for not visiting home. She should have an obligation to.
ANGELA: You want me to lie?
FR. KLEM: Who said anything about lying? Are you saying it isn’t true? Are you saying you’re not busy?
ANGELA: I mean, sales have been kicking up at the Maple Syrup and other Slow Condiments Emporium lately.
FR. KLEM: Exactly. Tell little Nicky that the honey is pouring like wine and you don’t have the time to rush off to Red Line rat town at the drop of a dime, and tell her to get her tush home to see her family and old Klem as soon as she gets the chance.
ANGELA: Okay! And – and how many Hail Mary’s should I say?
FR. KLEM: None! No sin here! Just pray she gets home sooner rather than later. And slip me some of that bourbon maple syrup blend next time you’re in.
ANGELA: Thanks, Father! I’m so glad it was you and not Ben.
FR. KLEM: From your words to God’s ears, Angela! From your words to God’s ears!