Episode transcript - “Confessions With Klem: ALex”

[Music: FM theme plays]

[SFX: Alex making some ambient sound for a second before opening the curtain (steps, whistling, whatever Alex just seems like somebody who would need to make some noise as he walks through an empty church)]

ALEX: Surprise Bender! I owe you 5 bucks, I was sure I’d catch fire when I walked through the doors to this place.

KLEM: (Unphased but humored) You can slide the money right through the curtain. Also why did you call me Bender?

ALEX: OH SHIT! You must be the old German guy, Klem!

KLEM: (flatly) What gave it away?

ALEX: (humored) No sorry, look, I’m Bende…(deciding he should be respectful) Father Ben’s, brother Alex.

KLEM: Ahhhh so Bender is the name you call our young Pastor

ALEX: (sheepishly chuckles) Yeah… among other things.

KLEM: (feigning sternness) Like what?

ALEX: Listen, he’s my brother… it’s all in good fun. I get he’s Father Be…

KLEM: (Very serious) Son, you listen to me. This community prides itself on being a welcoming, kind, loving place. Which is why I’d ask out of respect you please continue using the term Bender.

ALEX: (Embarrassed, not initially understanding) Seriously, I’m sorry man, I’m no church guy I didn’t mean any… wait a minute… did you say to keep calling him Bender?

KLEM: What? Yes of course! It’s your name for him and I want you to feel welcomed. It also warms my old heart because it’s hilarious and I’m sure drives your brother up the wall

ALEX: Damn you are exactly like Bender described man, I knew I’d like you!

KLEM: And you are exactly like little Bendy described you.

ALEX: Bendy… sick variation.

KLEM: Thank you, I’m honored to hear it coming from you. Now how is your gooch?

ALEX: What? Ohhhh the band, Satan’s G! You listen?

KLEM: (deeply tickled and laughing) What? Oh god Ben played it once and… No. No son I don’t listen. Sweet of you to think I do.

ALEX: Hey you never know! Wouldn’t be the first priest to get down with us. Hell we had an Archbishop in a pit when we were up in Italy.

KLEM: Holy men are rarely known to be tastemakers my boy… but how are things regardless.

ALEX: We’re great man! Just played Albany, on our way up to Toronto. Figured I’d take the long way down 90 and bother Father Brother here before stopping at Mom’s. Where is he, anyway?

KLEM: Ohh he’s got these two mad men Roger and Brett in his office right now trying to get him to give them church funds for their little club.

ALEX: What kind of club?

KLEM: You ever hear of the Armada of Amerigo?

ALEX: Aren’t those the old guys who dress up like old timey sea captains in church?

KLEM:  (grimly) The very ones

ALEX: I remember being a little kid and seeing them and just being jealous they got to have a sword at church.

KLEM: What so you could stab the statue of Mary?

ALEX: HA! I wouldn’t have put it past me. Seriously though, I would have honestly been down to have literally anything to do during mass, I was bored out of my skull.

KLEM: Poor baby.

ALEX: Come on dude you know church is dull as hell.

KLEM: Of course it is, it’s my favorite thing about it. Your brother always tries so hard to make it interesting though, (sighs) I’ll never understand it.

ALEX: Pffft.. sounds like try-hard Bender to me. What’s your deal? You try to make it boring.

KLEM: I believe strongly a Catholic mass is best boring and short. A tight, mind-numbing 45 minutes. Preferably in Latin but I’d be happy with any other dead language nobody understands too. Sadly, misguided people want mass in their native tongues these days.

ALEX: Ok I’ll bite… why should mass be boring?

KLEM: Because boredom is how you commune with whatever the thing is you’re communing with. 

ALEX: I don’t get it.

KLEM: You went to church with your mom and Benji, right?

ALEX: Every sunday like a perfect angel, right up until I graduated high school and we started touring with the gooch. 

KLEM: Oh good your little gooch was formed by then.

ALEX: Yeah we started in high school, went by Satan’s Grave back then.

KLEM: When did you change?

ALEX: Our first few shows back in North Tonawanda, some assholes from our varsity lacrosse team came and started heckling us. 

KLEM: God damned lacrosse kids.

ALEX: (chuckles)Seriously. Well they kept telling us we stank and then eventually started chanting “Satan’s Gooch”. They had this smug look like they got us but honestly… we thought it was hilarious and kinda dug it.

KLEM: What happened?

ALEX: We looked at each other and laughed and played the shit out of our set. Best show we’d had to that point.

KLEM: And all the lacrosse bros magically became metal heads?

ALEX: Ha! Fuck no, they were assholes the whole time, making a super agro mosh pit and fucking with our like 7 friends who came to the show. At the end though our lead singer, Stef, just went to the mic and they said (gets wistful) “thanks again, we’re Satan’s Gooch!”

KLEM: How’d the crowd take it?

ALEX: Our friends loved it and the assholes looked confused. Weirdly one of the better moments of my life if I’m being honest… Wait, why are we talking about this?

KLEM: I just asked whether you were in this band in high school and then I think you just really wanted to brag about besting some bullies?

ALEX: (snorts) Sure sounds like me. Anyway, yeah we were making music as soon as our hands could get around the fretboard, man.

KLEM: And you’re telling me in all that time… you never used being bored at church to make music?

ALEX: I mean of course I came up with some bass riffs in church, it’s like the only thing I could do!

KLEM: Anything good?

ALEX: Half the bass lines on our first record probably came from sitting around Our Precious Blood, now that was a sick church name.

KLEM: (very smug)Sounds like a lot of benefit came from those boring masses to me.

ALEX: (laughing)OK I get your point. No need to get all smug like Bender.

KLEM: I can’t help it, next to a boring mass there’s nothing I like more than being right!

ALEX: Yeah yeah. Ok I’m gonna go find my brother. You think it’s alright if I just barge into his meeting.

KLEM: Only if I can watch! I’d love to see the look on Roger Alitos face when he finds out you’re Bendy’s brother.

ALEX: Alright, come on then Father Clam.

KLEM: Don’t push your luck, kid.

ALEX: Sorry!

[End Credits]