Episode transcript - “Confessions With Klem: AL”

[MUSIC: Forgive Me theme song plays.]

[SFX: Confessional booth opens and Al groans as he sits down.]

FR. KLEM: Having a hard time there, Al?

AL: Oof. What about anonymity, Father?

FR. KLEM: Uh huh. With an entrance like that? 

AL: Right. You got me there. (lets out a cough or two) The leg’s acting up. It’s a pain getting old.

FR. KLEM: No kidding! Every day it’s a new ache and crack. But I’m guessing you didn’t come here to commiserate.

AL: I’d love that, but no. In fact, I thought I was going to be seeing Father Ben.

FR. KLEM: (mild sarcasm) Sorry to disappoint.

AL: Not all at. It’s better this way. Don’t get me wrong. He’s a good priest but a little starry-eyed, green, you know what I mean.

FR. KLEM: I understand too well.

AL: And we’ve known each other for a while. You baptized my daughters, remember?

FR. KLEM: (chuckling)  Oh yes, I remember those little munchkins. Squirmy little things. And the lungs Amelia had on her! 

AL: (laughing through a coughing fit) You practically threw her back to Jodie.

FR. KLEM: Well it’s not like you were of any use.

AL: Hey, I never said I was good for anything but eye-candy.

FR. KLEM: With your ugly mug?!? 

AL: I also never said I had good eyesight. 

FR. KLEM: Alright, alright. What brings you in today.

AL: (Mood shifts) Well, Father. I need to ask, one, is there such a thing as preemptive forgiveness, and two, could I have that?

FR. KLEM: Al, what’s going on? Is everything alright? Did someone hurt Amelia and Niamh? 

AL: No, it’s not that. Look, when you had your heart attack, and I hate to make your health about me, but I figured I should go to the doctor myself. Jodie had been getting on my case about it. And you know, happy wife, happy life.

FR. KLEM: I’m not a big fan of that phrase, if I’m to be honest, but Amelia got her lungs from someone, so I’ll let that go.

AL: How generous of you. But anyway, I went to the doctor, and well, I would have considered it a great personal favor if you could have had that heart attack about five or six years ago. It’s bad, Klem. I’m in full blown heart failure. 

FR. KLEM: Oh Al…

AL: And you know, I was sitting there while the doctor was telling me as nicely as he could that I was going to die, and all I could think of was ‘When are you going to say something I don’t already know?’ It’s been a rough few years. I haven’t had the strength to do a lot of the things I love doing or to even leave the house some days.

FR. KLEM: Ugly as it is, we have missed that mug around here.

AL: Yeah, the church pews are not forgiving to the infirm.

FR. KLEM: Well, if you have to keep skipping services, I’ll pardon you for that. I can even bring the Eucharist to you. Then we can sit around and talk about the good old days. And the not so good days. Remember when Niamh fainted on the altar during the Easter service. And you mustered up this super speed and caught her right before she hit the ground

AL: Klem, I’m not going to tell them. 

FR. KLEM: What?

AL: I. Am. Not. Going. To. Tell. My Girls. That. I. Am. Dying. Not my wife, not my daughters. That’s where the preemptive pardon comes in. 

FR. KLEM: I don’t understand.

AL: Well, by preemptive pardon, I mean I would like you to give me absolution before I drop dead without telling my family–

FR. KLEM: No, I understood that. What I don’t understand is why you aren’t telling them?

AL: Really? You don’t understand?

FR. KLEM: I don’t. Don’t you think they should know? So that they can prepare. Say whatever it is to you that they want to say. Make some plans. They may want to do things differently in light of… how this will go.

AL: So let me get this straight. You don’t keep secrets from people who should probably know, who might do things differently if they knew. Klem, I was born at night, but it sure as Hell wasn’t last night. You’ve changed since your heart attack. 

FR. KLEM: Be that as it may or may not be. This is your family, Al. A father and husband kinda has certain responsibilities to his family. Honesty being one of them. They have to know they can trust you.

AL: I fail to see how that’s relevant when I’m dead. 

FR. KLEM: Okay but they need you to get them through this. Amelia and Niamh still look at you like you put the sun in the sky. You’re their rock.

AL: They’re grown women now. And I’ve done everything for them up until this point. Same with Jodie. I’ve been the perfect husband and father. I’ve done everything right my whole life, and if all I ask in return… If all I ask in return is to enjoy what’s left with my family without this hanging over our heads, then why can’t I have that? I don’t want to spend my last few months around weeping women, Klem. 

FR. KLEM: Al, you have to tell them. 

AL: I don’t have to do anything. And you can’t either. That’s the whole point of this thing, right? It’s sealed. You can’t break the seal.

FR. KLEM: Suppose I make it part of your penance. You can’t be forgiven by the Big Man upstairs until you tell them. I know you, Al. You’ve got plenty of things to confess, even if we don’t count this.

AL: You can make it part of my penance if you want, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to do it. I don’t want forgiveness, Father. It would be nice, but I’ll liv–. I’ll deal. I want to hear my daughters’ laughter again. I want to hear my wife’s exasperated sigh a few more times before I go. If the Heavenly Father has a problem with that, well (groaning while he stands up) I have a few grievances of my own with Him.

[MUSIC: Forgive Me! End credits song plays.]