Episode transcript - “Confessions With Klem: LISA”

[MUSIC: Forgive Me theme song plays.]

[SFX: Confessional booth opens and closes as Lisa enters in a huff.]

LISA: (breathing deeply) Father Ben? Is that you?

FR. KLEM: Not today, honey. The boy’s in Pre Cana Counseling with that cute Donaldson girl and her fiance, so you’re stuck with little ol’ me. What can I do for you today?

LISA: I’m just so scared, I didn’t know where else to go.

FR. KLEM: (uncharacteristically serious) Is everything okay at home? Is there someone you would like me to call for you?

LISA: No… it’s nothing like that. I mean… things are decidedly not okay at home, but I am not in the right mind to be dealing with them at the moment.

FR. KLEM: Could you maybe clue me in on what’s happening? It’s kinda hard to offer any insight when you’re being this vague.

LISA: It’s my son, Mitchell. Have you met him?

FR. KLEM: That funny-looking kid down at the Burger Bros? Always looks a little out of it? Constantly riding around on his skateboard?

LISA: I mean, I take issue with the fact that you’d call my first born son funny-looking, but otherwise yes. I’d say that sums him up.

FR. KLEM: (chuckling) I didn’t mean any harm by it. All kids his age look a little funny to me, if I’m being honest. Their arms all gangly and long, while their torsos are still just wispy sticks that look like they could blow away with the next strong wind. When their bodies are at war with the childhood they’re leaving behind and the adulthood that’s tearing toward them at fifty miles an hour.

LISA: (out of it) Oh god, I never even thought of it that way… (tearing up) My baby’s life’s just flashing before my eyes and I don’t even know it.

FR. KLEM: No, dear, that’s just puberty. Now, please. Tell me what it is about Mitchell that’s got you so scared.

LISA: He’s gotten really into baking over the past few months. Cookies and brownies and cakes. At first, I thought he was just trying to impress that little girlfriend of his. Especially when he wouldn’t let me taste test any of them—wouldn’t even let me lick the spoon. 

FR. KLEM: So Mitchell’s committing the deadly sin of greed?

LISA: No! Er… well, I guess you could say that. But I’m telling you, Father… it smelled like Heaven in there. And I couldn’t resist. A little funky too, if I’m being honest, but I figured that was just on account of all the fancy German chocolate he was sneaking in there. 

FR. KLEM: So your kid’s got a European new hobby. What’s wrong with that?

LISA: Nothing! If that was all he was doing, but no brownie, not even the best-tasting one in the god damn world, had any business being this good. It’s like he’s been possessed by the spirit of an actual damn French chocolatier. He frankly has no business being this much better than me at making the desserts I’ve been feeding him his whole life.

FR. KLEM: Ah, I see. So you’re just jealous at how talented he’s becoming?

LISA: If only that was my problem here! This thing had enormous chunks of dark chocolate. It was crusted with pink Himalayan sea salt. About an hour after I finished that last bite of goodness I snuck out of that massive backpack of his? After he went off to school, I felt myself transcend space and time. I spent fifteen extra minutes in the high school parking lot because I didn’t understand the concept of how I was supposed to use my useless little hot dog fingers to drive a car.

FR. KLEM: Lisa, I’m afraid you’re starting to lose me here.

LISA: THAT’S MY PROBLEM EXACTLY! I’M LOSING MY GRASP ON REALITY!

FR. KLEM: Can you take a deep breath and tell me what you think is happening to you.

LISA: My sweet, shining, angel boy. That brilliant baker of mine? He didn’t just get supernaturally good at making brownies… he dosed them! With that dreaded weed he’s always smoking! And now I went and ate one, and it’s going to ruin my entire life. I might as well just give everything up right now, quit my job, and spend the rest of my days selling crystal trinkets in the parking lot of Appreciative Deceased shows.

FR. KLEM: That’s a pretty serious claim, dear. Do you have proof to back it up?

[SFX: Lisa opens up the privacy screen.]

LISA: (a bit unhinged) Proof?! Look at these eyes Father! I’ve never been this bloodshot in my life, not even in my sister’s house, which is full of cats, which I’m deathly allergic to!

FR. KLEM: (laughing outright now) Oh, dear. That must have been one strong brownie indeed. Your eyes… they really are a sight at the moment. 

LISA: What do I do?

FR. KLEM: I mean, Mitchell’s a good kid. The legality here is shaky, sure, him being a minor and all… but in the scheme of things? I think he could be doing a lot worse in a world as ominous as ours.

LISA: No, not with Mitchell! God bless you, Father, but I know full well how to discipline my own son. I mean what do I do?

FR. KLEM: You’re losing me again…

LISA: I’m high as a kite, Father! I’m supposed to have a meeting with the Board at work today! I can’t show up like this. I’ll lose my job!

FR. KLEM: (the realization dawning on him) It’s safe to say that this is your first time… under the influence of this kind of chemical, yes?

LISA: Obviously! I would never touch the stuff on my own.

FR. KLEM: Well, if you’d ask me, it might help you out a lot if you did. But that’s a conversation for another day. Right now: I think your safest bet is to put on your best sick voice, call out of work, and get yourself back home and into the comfiest clothes you have. Maybe order a pizza, so you don’t have to cook dinner for the family later. And if you know what’s good for you? You’ll find the trashiest, stupidest television you can think of. And watch it for the next 3 hours straight.

LISA: You can’t be serious.

FR. KLEM: Dead serious! Might I recommend the True Homemakers of Salt Lake City? It’s deliciously vicious stuff.

LISA: I don’t know about this, Father…

FR. KLEM: You may not know it by looking at me, but I’ve lived a life or two in my time. Trust me. If you follow my instructions to the tee? You’ll have a wonderful day. Doctor’s orders.

LISA: If you say so…

FR. KLEM: I do! And next time you go snooping around your kids backpack full of goodies, you remember to snag one for me, you hear?

[MUSIC: Forgive Me end credits music plays.]