Episode transcript - “Confessions With Klem: TOM”

[MUSIC: FM Theme plays, sound of curtain as Tom sits down]

TOM: (big over dramatic sigh as he sits down) Heyyyy padre, sorry it’s ben too long. Get it?

FR. KLEM: Can’t say I do Tom.

TOM: Oh! It’s you, apologies Sir.. Father.

FR. KLEM: (mock seriousness) Now Tom, please don’t tell me you’ve been getting this casual with our junior priest in the confessional?

TOM: (anxious and embarrassed) Me? I’d never! You know me father, as pious as they come.

FR. KLEM: Pious enough to be cracking wise in the Lord's house. Tisk Tisk my boy.

TOM: In fact! I’m so religious I feel I should leave for now and come back another time when I’m being more respectfu…

FR. KLEM: (interrupting) Nonsense! Stay, this day has been dreadfully boring and I always love hearing your confessions.

TOM: Really?

FR. KLEM: Yes, yes you’re always going on about something very inane and stupid and this old man could use a laugh today.

TOM: Ah. That makes more sense. For a moment I thought it was because of my famous acerbic wit.

FR. KLEM: Good reminder, yes please try and refrain from that. You don’t have the charm for it.

TOM: Wow and here I was thinking this was a confession and not a roast.

FR. KLEM: That right there! Please hold any of that until after the confession. Shall we begin.

TOM: Fiiine. Forgive Me father for I have sinned it’s been two months since my last confession.

FR. KLEM: What have you done this time, Tom?

TOM: Nothing! I mean it’s more what I didn’t do… I… have been keeping something… from Emily.

FR. KLEM: (sighs) code blue. (patronizing, as if reciting something he’s said 1000 times) Tom. Masturbation is a perfectly norma…

TOM: What?! Oh my g… (laughs) no. I mean yes I agree it’s normal but I’m not here about… that.

FR. KLEM: Sure you’re not.

TOM: Seriously! It’s about David.

FR. KLEM: TOM! I try not to be judgemental of any of the carnal arts but involving that sweet sweater-wearing swine in your ACTS is just beyond the pale!

TOM: No! How did you even get to that! This isn’t a… sexual confession.

FR. KLEM: Of course it isn’t you deviant. Don’t get any ideas, I’m a chaste old man.

TOM: (lets out a pained sigh) I’m here because I saw David… playing with a mouse. Platonically playing, not sexually.

FR. KLEM: I mean I figured as much, not sure why your mind went there.

TOM: Are you messing with me?

FR. KLEM: You may have a casual relationship with Father Feelings here but I take this role very seriously

TOM: Right. Well… anyway, I came home from work the other day… I had a later shift. Emily was already asleep. 

FR. KLEM: uhuh

TOM: Usually… when I get home late, David likes to do this thing where he sits in front of the door so I can’t open it.

FR. KLEM: Rude pig.

TOM: I thought so too but he’s just trying to greet me and is very lazy about getting up.

FR. KLEM: But this time he wasn’t on the door mat. 

TOM: Right. I opened the door and got concerned, I heard the click and thud of his hooves bounding on our kitchen tile.

FR. KLEM: Where was he?

TOM: The… kitchen?

FR. KLEM: Makes sense, just checking you in case you had kitchen tile somewhere else.

TOM: (suddenly thoughtful) I mean did see the same tile in my friend Steve’s upstairs bathroom… anyway I go to the kitchen and there is David, prancing around in a circle. Have you ever seen a prancing pig father?

FR. KLEM: Can’t say I have.

TOM: It’s a real fun experience, no joy like it and I’m a pretty happy guy.

FR. KLEM: Yes you are. 

TOM: Well I got closer to David and was just about to call to him when I see it.

FR. KLEM: What?

TOM: A mouse. Opposite David, doing the identical motion, prancing up and down putting their front legs in the air, bounding in a circle. It was like they were performing some secret ritual.

FR. KLEM: What did you do?

TOM: Emily hates mice, absolutely hates them. I knew I needed to try and catch it but… the dancing was so mezmerizing. Beasts of two disparate sizes, moving in unison to the song of hooves and paws on kitchen tile.

FR. KLEM: They were moving in a circle? In the same direction?

TOM: Yes.

FR. KLEM: Are you sure David wasn’t just chasing the mouse?

TOM: I think I’d know the difference between chasing and ritualistic dancing.

FR. KLEM: I’m sure. So you didn’t capture the mouse?

TOM: After what could have been a few minutes or a few hours the dancing stopped. David got tired, walked to his water bowl and then just crashed on the kitchen floor. - I blinked for a minute coming out of my trance and I noticed the mouse had moved close, looking at me.

FR. KLEM: Weird mouse, maybe it had rabies?

TOM: I don’t think so, it was too stately to have a rage disease. 

FR. KLEM: So did you catch this stately mouse?

TOM: I knew I should catch it, for Emily’s sake but… Father I think that mouse was trying to tell me something.

FR. KLEM: I don’t think so, Tom. This isn’t that kind of show.

TOM: What?

FR. KLEM: Mice are very stupid animals Tom, some of the dumbest. 

TOM: Yeah… you’re right.

FR. KLEM: So what are we confessing here? You didn’t tell Emily about the mouse?

TOM: Well I was going to work up to that?

FR. KLEM: I could tell, you were really trying to spin a yarn there.

TOM: Sorry.

FR. KLEM: I’ll add it to your penance.

TOM: I do feel bad about it though. Knowing we have a mouse in the house, not telling her and not doing anything about it. Am I doing something wrong?

FR. KLEM: Yes.

TOM: You’re right, God I feel so bad. What should I do?

FR. KLEM: Probably tell Emily about the mouse.

TOM: That’s it?

FR. KLEM: I mean not telling her seems dumb and you clearly like telling this story. She’s married to you so you can even force her to sit through the long version.

TOM: You think i should tell her about the dancing?

FR. KLEM: I really don’t care.

TOM: Right.

FR. KLEM: Well anyway for penance… can you do a handstand? 

TOM: Can I ever! Want me to do…

FR. KLEM: Not now but next time you make it to a park do.. 

TOM: A cartwheel!

FR. KLEM: Let’s say… 

TOM: Ooohhh what about… 

FR. KLEM: 10 hail marys while doing a handstand. 

TOM: but

FR. KLEM:If you fall before you finish, start over. Invite your Mother-In-Law too, she’s had a long year and I’m sure she could use the laugh.

TOM: Seriously?

FR. KLEM: It’s The Lord’s will sonny.

TOM: Fiiiine

FR. KLEM: Shall we get our Act of Contrition on?

[End Credits]

[MUSIC: Bouncy acoustic guitar music starts as the Forgive Me credits music plays.]

ADAM: Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written and directed by Bob Raymonda and Jack Marone.

Here’s our cast in order of appearance: 

Derek Emerson Powell Tom
Josh Rubino Fr. Klem

Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda.

Sound design, score, and mixing by me, Adam Raymonda.

All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.