EPISODE TRANSCRIPT - “CONFESSIONS WITH KLEM: MINNIE”

[MUSIC: Forgive Me theme song plays.]

[SFX: Confessional booth opens and closes as MINNIE enters]

MINNIE: Forgive me father for I have sinned. 

FR. KLEM: Minnie Mouse, no need to be so formal. Is that what Benji has you kicking off your confessions with these days? 

MINNIE: Oh. It’s you.

FR. KLEM: Don’t sound so relieved. Now tell me what’s on your mind?

MINNIE: You know, I think I may just wait until Father Ben is back making his rounds if it’s all the same to you.

FR. KLEM: Come now! Don’t be like that, I can help you just as well as he can, if not better. 

MINNIE: I’m not sure you can. 

FR. KLEM: I could brag about my experience but bragging is a sin, isn’t it. More importantly, let me remind you that I am just a conduit for the almighty, and so is Benjamin, so come back later if you must, but you’ll just be kicking your sin-filled can down the road.

MINNIE: Okay…It’s just I assume – The fact that you have so much experience is the problem. You have such a long, loving relationship with God. 

FR. KLEM: You have no idea how long. 

MINNIE: Where as Ben might - still remember. 

FR. KLEM: Remember? 

MINNIE: Having. Doubt. 

FR. KLEM: Doubt? I have doubts every day! Doubts and donuts and they’re nearly the same word! You wouldn’t be a human if you didn’t have doubts, and you certainly wouldn’t be a Catholic.

MINNIE: These are very …specific…doubts. 

FR. KLEM: At this point I’m doubting you’re going to tell me. 

MINNIE: Thomas-like doubts. 

FR. KLEM: I see. (Pause) You know, Thomas is best known for the ol’ wounds on his side story, but there’s another one I like better. Jesus wants to go visit the recently deceased Lazarus in Judea, which is dangerously close to Jerusealm, where his poll numbers are in the toilet. The other apostles don’t want him to go, and they certainly don’t want to go with him. They’re all afraid they’re going to get stoned, and not in the fun kind of modern way either if you catch my drift. But Thomas? Thomas demanded they stay with him and rallied the rest of the gang to stay the course. So sure, he earned his name Doubting Thomas later on, but people are wrong when they assume doubters lack conviction and courage. It’s just the opposite; they trust themselves and they trust the need to ask questions, to get to the bottom of things, to find the answer. 

MINNIE: But doesn’t that mean I lack faith?

FR. KLEM: Did Christ lack faith when he asked the cup to be passed from his lips? No. He was just looking, hoping for another way. And those who doubt do the same thing. They look at alternatives. 

MINNIE: What if there are no alternatives? 

FR. KLEM: Minnie. Did something happen?

MINNIE: No. Nothing happened. And that’s exactly the problem. Do you remember when I fell into that underground cave last year when I was wandering through Robertson park? Broke my arm? 

FR. KLEM: Oh sure. You were the town's Baby Jessica for a hot minute. 

MINNIE: Baby Jessica?

FR. KLEM: Before your time. Anyway, go on. 

MINNIE: Well I didn’t just break my arm when I fell. I got a very serious concussion too. And – and I blacked out and nearly sipped into a coma. It was bad, worse than what anyone said. I almost died. And when I think back to that time, there was no white light or chorus of angels. There was just …a clock. Ticking. And each tick whispered the same thing. This? This is it. Live. While you can. Live and don’t worry so much about the rules, about some made up morality. Live because you’re going to fall into another dark cave sooner than you think, sooner than you want. And next time? You may not get another chance. Next time, the ticking might stop right on you.

FR. KLEM: I see. Well. That sounds like rather definitive clicking. If you believe this clock, why not follow its advice? 

MINNIE: I just worry I’ll end up disappointing people. The church is so important to my mother. If I look for alternatives and then end up selecting one, what will she think? And if I follow the advice, if I live and put the Church’s code secondary, won’t she judge me for that? 

FR. KLEM: (pause) Here’s a secret. Why does she have to know?

MINNIE: You - you think I should lie to my mother? About my faith?

FR. KLEM: Ehh, lying is an…uncomfortable word.  Let her put her faith in you until you give her a reason to doubt you. Better than lying to yourself. Better than doubting yourself too, no?

MINNIE: This is not the advice I expected from you.

FR. KLEM: I guess the lesson is don’t doubt Father Klem, eh? 

MINNIE: Do you ever have doubt, Father?

FR. KLEM: Me? (Laughs uncomfortably, then pauses ) Do you doubt me now, Minnie?

MINNIE: (Pause). I guess I did when I came in here. But now? Now I think I understand you better than I did before. (pause) How many Hail Mary’s should I say?

FR. KLEM: I think I’ll let you decide that for yourself.