Episode transcript - “Confessions With Klem: CAITLIN”

[SFX: The curtain to the confession opens and closes again as Caitlin sits.]

CAITLIN: (meek) Hey, Father Klem.

FR. KLEM: (knowing) Caitlin. I wondered when you’d be coming in for confession after Sunday’s little display.

CAITLIN: (deep sigh) Mom would have brought me in sooner but I’ve had soccer practice every other night this week.

FR. KLEM: How’s that going this year? Is Coach Klein going easy on you?

CAITLIN: Really good, actually! I got moved up to JV because of how much better I was than all the other girls on the modified team. And I’m still getting to start.

FR. KLEM: I’ll have to get Benny to drive us out to see one of your games. You’ll tell us when the next one’s coming up?

CAITLIN: (briefly forgetting why she’s there) That’d be so great! We’re actually going up against New Hartford this weekend.

FR. KLEM: Well, we’ll see what we can do about that… now. Might as well get down to brass tacks. What on earth inspired you to cause such a ruckus during little Eric’s baptism?

CAITLIN: Do we have to? I thought since you were here instead of Fr. Ben, we could maybe skip over the confession part and get right to the forgiveness. 

FR. KLEM: I’m afraid your mother and father insisted I not go easy on you this time. Your little brother could have been seriously hurt.

CAITLIN: You think I don’t know that?! I’ve tried explaining to my parents a hundred thousand times what happened already, but nobody wants to listen because all they can talk about is what could have happened… rather than what did. I mean... If you really think about it, I kind of saved the day.

FR. KLEM: (chuckling) That’s not what it looked like from the dais, my dear.

CAITLIN: And if you really want to get into it, what was I even doing up there in the first place!? Eric is my little brother! Aren’t godparents supposed to be someone who can adopt you in case your mom and dad die in a car crash or something? I’m only 13 years old…

FR. KLEM: Sometimes the importance of close familial love outweighs common sense in these situations.

CAITLIN: You can say that again.

FR. KLEM: Caitlin, I have a feeling you also would prefer not to be here all day. So, can we get into what was going through your head at the Baptism?

CAITLIN: (sigh) It’s just… Eric’s a sweety. Especially since he got his little puking habit under control. But my lil vomit boy has turned more into a bit of a Farting Franky, if you can pick up what I’m putting down. 

FR. KLEM: I think I do. One too many cc’s of dairy and Eric turns into a Diarrhea Dan? Don’t tell him I told you this: but Father Ben’s the same way.

CAITLIN: Exactly! I keep trying to tell mom that he’s probably lactose intolerant like me, and that she should stop pouring so much full-fat milk down his little unsuspecting throat, but dad says that dairy allergies are for the weak and that he won’t be raising a weak son. As if that comment wasn’t going to give me another complex on top of all the other complexes they’ve given me growing up.

FR. KLEM: So, it’s the morning of the Baptism and your ma and pa think: we’ve gotta fill up little Eric’s tummy. Make sure he can stay up through the whole long boring affair? Be wide awake for his bath for Jesus?

CAITLIN: Mmmmhm. So there we are, cramming ourselves in our Sunday best as Eric full on guzzles his bottle. And when he puts it down, basically slams it on the table in front of him, he looks me dead in the eyes and laughs. Like he’s thinking: Hey Big Sis, I’m a Ticking Time Bomb, and you get to hold me up in the air in front of the whole town to see. Better keep your cool. Cause I certainly won’t.

FR. KLEM: How soon after that did he start leaking gas?

CAITLIN: As soon as we got into the car. And every time he lets another one out, he smiles. This little unhinged demon is gleeful over his uncontrollable stink. Mom’s up in the front, and she keeps saying, “Goodness me!” and Dad keeps laughing and saying, “That’s my boy!” Like Eric is scoring a goal every time he lets out a little toot.

FR. KLEM: (a brief, uncontrolled bout of hysterics)

CAITLIN: Anyway, you get the point. Once we parked, I started rooting around in the backseats looking for a clothes pin, thinking maybe I could just clamp my nostrils shut and muscle my way through it. How long could it be right? But even though I found one, mom ripped it off my face and shoved it in her pocket book. Like I was someone the embarrassing one in our family.

FR. KLEM: A smart idea in theory, but a predictable failure in practice.

CAITLIN: By the time we were finally in the church and in front of everybody, as Father Ben was dabbling little Eric’s head with the tiny sponge filled with holy water, while I hold him from underneath his little armpits, his nasty little butt hovering right in front of my face, and I’m about to turn into a vomit girl myself. But then he lets out the nastiest one yet. Like, a literal atom bomb of stench, that if I was a betting woman I’d guess wasn’t just gas this time around. And it hit me so hard that I lost my grip on him, and… well, you saw the rest.

FR. KLEM: All things considered, it could have been much worse. The baptismal font was directly beneath him, so he just landed butt-first in a little bit of water.

CAITLIN: Right!? But my mom and dad are treating me like this was some kind of war crime against their shining innocent golden boy, when in my opinion: this whole thing just proves that they were the stupid ones for choosing me to be my brother’s godmother in the first place… and now I’m grounded for the whole rest of the summer! How messed up is that?

FR. KLEM: (chuckling again) Life’s not fair kid. But can I try to show you a silver lining?

CAITLIN: I seriously doubt whatever you’re gonna say is gonna be as good as a trip to Five Banners Amusement Park, but be my guest.

FR. KLEM: Your parents might be mad at you right now. And yes, you might have to miss your time on the whirly coasters, but look at it this way: you’ve now got a story you can hold over your smelly little brother’s head for the rest of his natural-born life. When his first girlfriend comes over for Thanksgiving? Bust it out, and humiliate the little bugger. Or, better yet, save it for the wedding toast!

CAITLIN: (laughing with him now) Huh, I never thought of that.

FR. KLEM: Sometimes a temporary punishment can be worth it… if you’re willing to play the long game.

CAITLIN: I’ll try to keep that in mind while my friends are sending me snaps of all the rides they get to go on.

FR. KLEM: Good! Now, why don’t we go and find that little Diarrhea Daniel of yours and apologize to him with a nice big bowl of ice cream?

CAITLIN: Father Klem, Ew!!