Episode transcript - “Confessions With Klem: DARLA”

[SFX: The sound of the confessional opening and closing. Darla sits down with a huff.]

DARLA: Father, I don’t know how much longer I’m gonna be able to handle this before I snap in a very public way.

FR. KLEM: (knowing) I can’t say I’d blame you if you did, Darla.

DARLA: It’s been years, Klem. Over a decade. And god damn Roger Alito is still doing everything in his very minimal power to torment my family. He had that Tubbles woman come crawling to my door for an interview, and when I refused, sent her sniffing around Greggmans’ hot bar just to catch poor, sweet Tom unawares.

FR. KLEM: Sue’s a tricksy one, that’s for sure. But, at the risk of sounding sympathetic toward the wrong person, I do happen to know that she’s just as obsessed with their lo mein as your young son-in-law.

DARLA: (a disgusted scoff) You know we were friends growing up? Not like, best friends or anything. And of course, we drifted as we got older and took different paths, but we still made time for the occasional coffee and catch-up session. Tubbles knew all about how, in middle school, Roger’s monster of a daughter spread a rumor that Emily and Shannon were in love and, when confronted about the bullying, he applauded his daughter for keeping her eyes open to “the sin in our community”. Even wrote up a whole interview with her about the incident in the weekly church bulletin… To think she’d go off and take A of A money, and harass my loved ones for him? I’ll never be able to forgive her.

FR. KLEM: (deep sigh) I wish I could have done more for you when things got the worst back then.

DARLA: It isn’t your fault that the bishop and his brother are longtime seamen. You tried to defend us. Against the protest at the clinic… and those disgusting pamphlets they passed out afterward. And that means more than you’ll ever know. Not a lot of men in your position would have taken the side of a teenage girl who’d made a mistake. Especially not in such a public way. I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that.

FR. KLEM: I appreciate you for saying that, dear. But I could have done more. I should have. How is she holding up with this situation?

DARLA: Honestly? Better than I am. Gosh, father, why does it feel like I just blinked and my baby girl turned into such a fiercely strong woman? 

FR. KLEM: Because you did. That’s just how these things go sometimes. I mean, you know I remember when you were her age, don’t you?

DARLA: Stop! You’re going to make me feel ancient.

FR. KLEM: How do you think I feel?

DARLA: You’ll outlive all of us, Klem. The people with your good sense of humor and earnest zest for life always do.

FR. KLEM: That’s very kind of you, but I doubt that… (hesitant) Have you spoken to Joe?

DARLA: (sigh) No. We’re not there yet… I’m not quite sure we ever will be again. And Emily still doesn’t like to talk to me about him. But Tom’s told me how he’s started to show up for her again. The same way he did back when she got pregnant.

FR. KLEM: It’s good to know that even our most disappointing family members can understand when it’s time to let bygones be bygones and do the right thing for once, isn’t it? 

DARLA: (softer than even she expected) Yeah… it is. He’s a hard man, but he’s making real progress with her. And that’s the only thing that will ever matter to me. Our daughter. I can give him that.

FR. KLEM: Good.

DARLA: You know that he had nothing to do with whatever happened to their little clubhouse, don’t you?

FR. KLEM: (without hesitation) Of course. Joe’s got a powerful bark, but no bite at all. I never, ever considered that it could have been him.

DARLA: Thank God. Because I keep hearing whispers around town, and it seems like Roger has been shit stirring enough that people are actually starting to question the possibility of that. And look: I’m certainly no fan of… the new wife, but even I know she isn’t capable of something like this.

FR. KLEM: Your ex-husband has always had his faults, but his taste in women has never been one of them. Lexi is a good girl at heart, and while it’s entirely up to Emily if and when she decides to ever have a real honest-to-God relationship with her, I can assure you she’s done nothing but defend you, your daughter, and your entire family from any of the naysaying that happens by the gossip hounds around here.

DARLA: You know, saying a thing like that is gonna make it a little bit more impossible for me to hate her, Klem.

FR. KLEM: (a soft smile) I’m just telling you the truth.

DARLA: In all seriousness — do you have any idea who would want to burn this place down? Because, as much as it drives me insane, I get why people would point their fingers at us. I can’t say I wasn’t happy when I heard it happened… but I can’t keep wracking my brain for who would actually do this kind of thing either.

FR. KLEM: Clara’s convinced that it’s the Servidone boy, and I’ve gotta say: I’m inclined to agree with her.

DARLA: Really? Even though his father is Roger’s number one lackey?

FR. KLEM: Especially so. The kids a firebug. If you ask me, he got in over his head and his family’s protecting him.

DARLA: Then why hire the Tubbles in the first place? Wouldn’t you think that Brett would want to do anything he could to convince Roger that the fire really was just what his brother-in-law said it was? 

FR. KLEM: From what I’ve heard, the elder Servidone never intended to use A of A money on the P.I.’s in the first place. Only ever wanted to focus on rebuilding a new and better club.

DARLA: Hnh. That’s interesting.

FR. KLEM: It certainly is. It also makes a lot of sense why, once he lost the battle with Roger in bringing them on, that he’d at least make sure to help build their list of subjects so he could keep the heat off his kid. I mean, who better to blame than the families they’ve tortured for the last twenty years?

DARLA: Eugh, it all makes me so sick.

FR. KLEM: You and me, both dear. You and me both.