Episode transcript - “Confessions With Klem: Bella”

[MUSIC: Forgive Me theme song plays.]

[SFX: The confessional curtain opens and closes.]

FR. KLEM: Why hello there, peanut, how are you today?

BELLA: I’m good, Father Klem! How are you?

FR. KLEM: That’s wonderful to hear! I’ll be a whole lot better once it’s lunchtime… now, let’s get straight to business. What on Earth brings an angel like you to confession?

BELLA: Father Ben said we had to, before our first communion

FR. KLEM: (chuckling) That sack of potatoes? What does he know?!

BELLA: (deadpan) Mommy says nothing, which is why she brought me in today to see you.

FR. KLEM: You’ve got a smart mom there. Okay, kid, I promise this’ll be painless for both of us. Do you know how it starts?

BELLA: I think so?

FR. KLEM: After you.

BELLA + FR. KLEM: In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

BELLA: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

FR. KLEM: You’re forgiven! That wasn’t so bad, was it?

BELLA: Father Klem!

FR. KLEM: What?

BELLA: You can’t forgive me until I tell you what I’ve done!

FR. KLEM: Says who?

BELLA: Father Ben.

FR. KLEM: And we’ve established he knows nothing, right? So we’re good! Now, whaddya say we go and see if they have any more of those apple fritters left at the Sunday Social across the street?

BELLA: Father Klem!

FR. KLEM: Okay, okay kid. What’ve you got for me?

BELLA: (deep breath) Well, there was that time when I tied my big brother Aaron’s shoelaces together right before his turn at the fifth-grade talent show…

FR. KLEM: And what happened next?

BELLA: He tripped on his way up the stage and knocked over Suzy B’s tuba. And then, when he tried to get back up, he tripped again. Everybody laughed at him after that.

FR. KLEM: Sounds harmless enough for me.

BELLA: But Daddy says that’s why Aaron goes to therapy.

FR. KLEM: It sounds to me like your brother’s got a bright future ahead of him. What’s next?

BELLA: I mean, there was also the time that I switched our Mac’n’cheese bowls at our cousin’s birthday party and he pooped his pants in front of everyone.

FR. KLEM: I don’t understand, what was so different about them? 

BELLA: He’s lactose intolerant, so Mommy always brings him a special box. But his comes with little peas and carrots, and he doesn’t even like them as much as I do, so I didn’t think he’d notice the difference...

FR. KLEM: Has he ever accidentally eaten cheese around you before?

BELLA: (lying) No… I don’t even know what lactose intolerant means!

FR. KLEM: And have you done this again since?

BELLA: Never.

FR. KLEM: Then I think it’s safe to say you learned your lesson on that one. What else have you got for me? 

BELLA: So, last week, Aaron was really close to finishing his new city on CaveBuild and I accidentally deleted it…

FR. KLEM: I’m starting to sense a pattern here, Bella.

BELLA: I don’t understand.

FR. KLEM: All of your confessions so far, they’ve had to do with your brother.

BELLA: Yeah, and?

FR. KLEM: Can I make an educated guess and suggest that Aaron may have… I don’t know, deserved these things you’ve done to him?

BELLA: You have no idea. He’s a monster. He cuts the hair off all my Wendy dolls and puts spiders in my shoes.

FR. KLEM: Then it sounds to me like you’re just getting even. And, don’t tell your Mommy or Daddy, or especially Father Ben that I said this… but as long you’re not doing any serious physical damage, I don’t think you’ve got anything to be concerned about. Your big brother is a strong young man who’ll be just fine. God doesn’t mind a little bit of sibling rivalry. It’s only natural!

BELLA: But I haven’t even told you about the time that I snuck worms into his spaghetti! Or took all of his Halloween candy and swapped it out with the yucky kind they pass out at Grandma’s nursing home, or—

FR. KLEM: Bella, what did I just say?

BELLA: That as long as I don’t seriously hurt him, I’m okay. 

FR. KLEM: You’ve got it, kid. And in the eyes of the Lord, our Father, and me? You’re absolved. Now, how about those fritters?

BELLA: That’s all? I heard that Father Ben is giving out Hail Mary’s.

FR. KLEM: But do you really want to do them?

BELLA: Not really.

FR. KLEM: Good, cause I didn’t want to give you any. You just keep being you, Bella. I’ve gotta feeling everything’s gonna work out just fine.

[MUSIC: Bouncy acoustic guitar music starts as the Forgive Me credits music plays.]

ADAM: Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written and directed by Bob Raymonda and Jack Marone.

Here’s our cast in order of appearance: 

Josh Rubino Father Klem
Gabby Ammerman Bella

Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda.

Sound design, score, and mixing by me, Adam Raymonda.

All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.