Episode transcript - “around the town: CAT! CAT! CAT!”

SEBASTIAN: Good morning sunbeam, aren’t you delightful today. Shall we convene? 

[SFX: Lets out a relieved sigh as the cat stretches and settles down.]

SEBASTIAN: (thoughtful) I think today I will make myself very long as I sit in your warmth. (another stretch) Yes, that’s lovely, splayed like a turkey on the cover of some Allison Venetian cookbook. Ahhh.

[SFX: A beat of silence]

SEBASTIAN: Sunbeam?... See that’s why I hold you in such high regard, ever the attentive listener. I’d love to give you an update on… the bird. Are you interested? Alright, do not say a word if you’d like me to share more… (performative sigh) well if you insist.

It’s been a month since I first heard the ear splitting call for the first time 

[SFX: FLASHBACK]

DAME JUDY DENCH: SUSAN J TUBBLES PRIVATE EYE! SUSAN J TUBBLES PRIVATE EYE!

OLIVIA: Judy SHUT UP!

DAME JUDY DENCH: OLIVIA INWOOD, ASSISTANT TO THE PARROT

OLIVIA: UGH! SUSAN SHE’S DOING IT AGAIN!

SEBASTIAN: I knew she needed to be mine. I’ve never seen a bird so large and never so loud. I would tear into its feathers and rip it… What’s that sunbeam? I know I told you this already but it’s important to the story. As I’m sure you remember I climbed exterior stairwell to get a better look and despite my superior sneaking ability, the damned beautiful bird saw me immediately and said

DAME JUDY: CAT! CAT! CAT!

SEBASTIAN: Seconds later some wild woman with a broom came outside and started shoving me down the stairs. I knew I needed a better plan. I decided I needed to… appeal to the other woman, the one who shouted at the Parrot. I knew we could become allies. I’ve spent the last two weeks on a charm offensive. Showing her all my tricks.

OLIVIA: (sound of the door opening) Oh! Where did you come from? Well aren’t you a funny cat. Sorry pal, ever since I got fleas on a jacket I’ve taken up a no petting strays policy.

SEBASTIAN: Needless to say she needed work. I tried some twirls.

OLIVIA: Hi again, cute trick buddy, see you around.

SEBASTIAN: I even tried enticing her romantic gifts.

OLIVIA: Hey kitt.. JESUS CHRIST! Please take that dead pidgeon somewhere else buddy… (sighs) Cats I swear.

SEBASTIAN: I was nearly going to give up hope when… just this morning.

OLIVIA: Hi kitty my boss, Susan, Just finished making her weekly vat of tuna salad… figured I’d bring you one of the cans.

SEBASTIAN: She’s fallen for me Sunbeam. The first phase of my plan is complete. What’s next you ask? No time to celebrate my victory for you Sunbeam. Well I expect that I will lay around and receive tuna and other treats while this sap of a woman falls more and more deeply in love with me. Come winter I will show her my patented shiver and sad kitty eyes and she won’t be able to help but bring me inside… once I’m in the house I will take the bird. Simple as that. What do you think? Ok say nothing if you think I’m brilliant. Perfect. (sighs) alright Sunbeam while I’d love to stay for hours, I just remembered I have some Irises to pee on. Same time tomorrow?