Episode transcript - “around the town: The egg metaphor”
[SFX: Amber enters a confessional]
AMBER: Forgive me father, for I have... oh gosh. I don't know. I may have sinned. I don't know, that's kinda why I'm here.
FR. BEN: And that's kinda why I'm here too. Let's start at the beginning and we'll see what perspective I can offer on the matter.
AMBER: I think I may have cracked someone's egg and oh gosh it is NOT GOOD.
FR. BEN: I'm sorry, you did what?
AMBER: Shit.
FR. BEN: Language.
AMBER: Sorry.
FR. BEN: Lucky you, this is a place of forgiveness. Am I safe in assuming this is not a literal egg?
AMBER: Sigh. It's not. It's... uh... trans slang.
FR. BEN: Heh. Another one for the lexicon. Is there a special dictionary I should pick up
AMBER: [nervous nonverbal noises]
FR. BEN: Sorry Andy- Nn- Amber. Shoot. Really – seriously, I’m so sorry. I do really want to learn. I'm sorry for making fun. Please continue?
AMBER: ...An egg is someone who doesn't know they're trans.
FR. BEN: Oh. And you... “cracked” them, so…
AMBER: Yeah. So maybe now they know.
FR. BEN: But... this is bad?
AMBER: So like... there's this thing called the “Egg Prime Directive” it's a sort of... rule. I mean, it's hypothetical, not everybody agrees about it - but the idea is: if someone doesn't know, but you suspect, you shouldn't tell them.
FR. BEN: Okay... so... Please pardon my ignorance here, but why is that? I mean, if someone knew something important like that about me, I think I'd want to know.
AMBER: It's not the same thing as having spinach in your teeth.
FR. BEN: Of course not-
AMBER: It's like what if you're not ready? Like, you're still all yolky in there and it's dangerous out here. I mean, it's so dangerous right now, but it's even worse for them because- well, it is. And it was easier not to know or to hide it. Because when it's dangerous the shell protects you but now - Oh Father, I screwed up. I screwed up so bad…
FR. BEN: Okay. Let's start at the top: is anyone in actual danger. I mean, okay, I know it's not an ideal time to be... in your situation given the state of things but: is someone in danger-danger – imminent danger?
AMBER: I... Don't know. I mean yeah, it's an actually dangerous time to be “in my situation” but... I guess not? I guess they're okay.
FR. BEN: Well that's a relief.
AMBER: It was just – I'd been picking up vibes, you know? And then we were talking and he-they, they said some things and it was nuts Father. It was like the things. Like cliché things. Things I said to myself like, internalized transphobia 101: “oh, yeah, if I got to choose I'd be a girl. I mean, just to try it out, but I wouldn't be pretty.” And I'm thinking I'm being clowned or something, like, “What? Really?” 'Cause those are the words. It's basically a meme. And I'm like, “dude, I thought the same thing.” And they're like, “oh I don't mean like you. I mean, it's not like I wanna have surgery or whatever.” And I'm like, “yeah, but I don't know if I want to either, that's not the point.” And I get excited because, like, wow – if this is what it looks like and they are trans, I'd have wanted someone to tell me. I was just... I don't know, it was impulse. I didn't stop for a second to think about what I was doing. I just said it, you know?
FR. BEN: ...No? …What did you say?
AMBER: Eck, sorry. I was like, “You just said to me, straight-faced you'd be a girl if you could and I mean... if you want to be, then you are. That's it.”
FR. BEN: That seems pretty straightforward…
AMBER: It is... That's the problem. It's that simple. But it's also not. Me, I had to tiptoe into it with D&D to figure it out. To even figure out that I was figuring it out! It took me ages to admit it. So I got excited and I thought “-oh I can crack her!” But it took me ages for a reason: because when you've lived your life in a shell... You can't just... It's not that easy, you know?
FR. BEN: ...I see. So... how did they take it?
AMBER: There was this look on his-their face. It was like a total short circuit. Like they got sad and mad for like a split second and then just laughed it off and changed the subject. But after that, things felt off. I mean, it was time for me to go. And maybe it's nothing. It could be. I mean, gender right? What even is it?
FR. BEN: I think you're better qualified to know that than I am.
AMBER: [chortles nervously]
FR. BEN: Well... And then what happened?
AMBER: And then nothing. They're playing it off like it didn't happen, but it's been a couple days and we usually hang out, but I think they're avoiding me now. Like, we're in the same spaces, but we're not talking. Sometimes I think I'm paranoid, but I swear they're not making eye contact with me. I just- I'm so worried that I hurt and scared her. I mean, I got lucky - my family is okay but hers isn't. Like, what if I even screwed up our D&D game.
FR. BEN: Oh. I see.
AMBER: Crap. I- I'm sorry. Forget I said anything. I'm- I just- Ugh. Please forget all of this.
[SFX: Amber goes to leave.]
FR. BEN: Just- just a moment. Please.
[SFX: Amber sits]
FR. BEN: Thank you. For elaborating... I understand why it feels like you might have sinned. You gave this friend some knowledge they might not have been ready for. And, right or wrong - it's hard to say. It's like Pandora's Box.
AMBER: How'd that story end up?
FR. BEN: Well... all the things that make life hard were released into the world and everyone blamed Pandora for it…
AMBER: [groans]
BEN: And the only thing left in the box was “hope”.
AMBER: [groans louder]
FR. BEN: Yeah, just your usual mythology pinning the ills of the world on women. That old chestnut. …There's probably some cultural crossover with Eve now that I think about it... But! Importantly, without all the hardships of the world – what even is life?
AMBER: Uhh…
FR. BEN: Amber, this is complicated. It's not a black and white situation. Yes, you were excited, and you're right to question your impulsivity, but you said yourself that you wish someone had just told you. If you're right, then you gave this friend the gift of truth. Maybe it’s a dangerous truth. But truth can set you free. I... I see how free it's made you, and I consider myself very lucky to be witness to it.
AMBER: I just want them to be safe, Father.
FR. BEN: Me too. But what's next is up to them for now. They get to choose what to do with this knowledge. Maybe they'll block this out until they're ready. And maybe there'll be distance between you two in the meantime because of that. Or, maybe, even if it's dangerous they'll get pecking and crack that shell open. They just needed someone to lend a helping beak.
AMBER: [chuckles] The egg metaphor doesn't really extend to birds, Father.
FR. BEN: Really? But- you crack the shell open and spread your wings, right? Isn't that where it's going?
AMBER: I guess so? I've never heard anyone take it in that direction honestly.
FR. BEN: I'm shocked. It seems like a logical progression to me. But, look, importantly, if this person does spread their wings and that puts them at risk: they're not alone. They've got amazing friends. I know that, especially being a minor, that's not really enough. There's a lot that's out of their control. But I'm sure there are a lot of adults that would stand up for them too. I certainly would. And you can say so, if it comes up and if you think it would help.
AMBER: It would. It does. Thank you, Father. This all does help.
FR. BEN: You're a good friend, Amber. It'll be okay. Now, tell me some good news. Outside of this whole situation how are you doing?
AMBER: Well, yeah, until all this happened I was doing pretty good actually. I started E last week.
FR. BEN: ...That's estrogen, not ecstasy, right?
AMBER: [laughs] Right! Right.
FR. BEN: Oh good. Congratulations!
AMBER: Another one for your “lexicon”.
FR. BEN: Yeah, I'm going to be coolest pastor; up on all the hip trans lingo. I bet hormones have a bunch of dope slang on the mean streets.
AMBER: Oh yeah. Big time.
FR. BEN: Gimmie another one.
AMBER: [laughs] Well, we also call E “tittie skittles”.
FR. BEN: Ak-! Nevermind! Nevermind! Sorry I asked!
AMBER: [laughs]