Episode transcript - “around the town: Diapers”

[SFX: Joe and Tom are standing over a changing table, audience should momentarily not be aware of what is happening.]

JOE: I… I don’t think I can do this.

TOM: You got this your honor… it’s brave of you to even try. I remember my first time.

JOE: No. You’re right I can do this, just hold my breath and dive in.

TOM: That’s right, nothing to it.

JOE: It’s amazing to me that you just… do this all the time

TOM: Joe, it’s even more amazing to me that you didn’t.

JOE: (slightly defensive) Well, it was the 90s and I don’t feel like I need to explai…

TOM: Joe, Joe, what matters is you’re here now, fighting the good fight. Ready for whatever comes your way.

JOE: What happens if I get… hit.

TOM: (comforting) You won’t… well… you might. You should have seen this dodge I did the other day. I swear I was like neo in the matrix, flew right past me and hit the wall. Anyway! You ready?

JOE: (clearly made less sure by that anecdote) Let's get this over with. 

TOM: Alright… here’s your grandaughter… 

JOE: Hello my perfect… very smelly… angel.

TOM: Here’s the wipes.

JOE: Thank you.

TOM: (humored) Joe, you gotta put her down on the changing table…

JOE: Right, right… just got lost in those little eyes.

TOM: I get it grandpa, but if you want to babysit you’re gonna have to pass this test.

JOE: You’re right! Ok let me just open this up… (talking to the baby) Hi sweetie! Grandpa is just gonna change your diaper now. (sound of pee) AH right in the face!

TOM: Wow great shot honey! I swear if her arm is anything like her poops I’m signing her up for flag football the second she turns two.

JOE: (defeatedly) Just hand me a wipe.

[End]