Episode transcript - “around the town: st. bobbaventure”
[SFX: low hum of nondescript chatter coming out of a tv in Pat’s Diner. Bell rings as Klem walks in and sits down]
FR. KLEM: Paaaat your favorite Priest is…. What the hell is that?!
PAT: Good to see you too, Father.
FR. KLEM: Hey Pat.
PAT: Now what has you in such a panic?
FR. KLEM: The monstrosity over the counter.
STEVE: Woooo!!!! Another Three! You see that Pat? What did I say! I told you this new guard was special.
PAT: (sighs) You sure called it Steve… (Turning to Klem) Your usher here gave me the TV as a gift, so he can watch St. Bobbeventure games here.
STEVE: My mom doesn’t let me watch the game at home any more since I get so excited and scare the dogs.
PAT: So instead he comes and watches them here, with me.
STEVE: It’s the best! Could I get another coffee Pat?
PAT: I’m switching you to decaf, Steve.
STEVE: What? Why?!
PAT: I know when somebody’s been over-served Steve.
STEVE: Oh come on!
PAT: Now calm down Steve…
STEVE: What? Oh sorry the ref just GIFTED Buffalo with a charge, decaf works. And another slice of pie.
PAT: Coming right up.
KLEM: Psst Pat,
PAT: (Lowering his voice) What’s up Father?
KLEM: Seriously what’s going on here with the TV?
PAT: What? It’s like I said.. He brought it in.
KLEM: I know that but I also know you well enough to see it’s making you nuts. You’re gripping that spatula pretty tight over there.
PAT: ok fine! Yes he’s scaring away customers. I don’t know what to do - he’s so enthusiastic and agreeable.
KLEM: That he is…
PAT: What do you think I should do, unplug the tv and kick him out?
STEVE: NO NO NO NO!!!!! (sighs) They hit a nun with the basketball, AGAIN!
KLEM: I mean the thought did cross my mind.
PAT: He’s a good kid Klem.
KLEM: Isn’t he almost forty?
PAT: Ok he behaves like a good kid.
KLEM: You gotta do something Pat, I cannot eat my meatloaf this way!
PAT: What do you propose?
KLEM: Where is your circuit breaker?
PAT: Next to the bathroom - Father what are you playing at?
KLEM: And which breaker for the tv?
PAT: Klem…
KLEM: Trust me on this, Priests honor.
PAT: Bottom left, marked with a blue sticker… I think.
KLEM: Well gentleman! Suddenly I have to make a poopie!
STEVE: TMI Father!
KLEM: Apologies! I’ll return shortly, to watch these St. Bobby’s.
STEVE: Yeah sure, NO WAY THAT IS NOT A THREE. Wait! No yeah it is a three.
[SFX: The sound of Klem walking and humming to himself for 5s. Opens the circuit box.\
KLEM: Now where is it… ah there we go.
STEVE: (From a distance) What?! Aw man what happened.
PAT: (feigning surprise) Oh wow… sorry steve the TV blew out the breaker.
KLEM: (Walking back) I’m back from my poopie, ready to watch these Bobbies… What's this? The breaker is out?
STEVE: Ugh and it was just getting good, they dunked it!
KLEM: Sorry you can’t watch your guys Steve… you know pat I did notice an outlet outside that looked pretty reliable.
PAT: Uhhh yeah, you know that one is better. Would you want to watch outside steve?
STEVE: What? HECK YEAH. Let me grab my coat.
PAT: I’ll bring you out a thermos.
STEVE: You coming Father.
FR. KLEM: I… it’s a bit cold for an old man
STEVE: But you were just saying you love Bobbie’s basketball
FR. KLEM: Me? Well I… did you say basketball?
STEVE: Yeah of course.
FR. KLEM: Oh how embarrassing I only follow attention St. Bobbaventure Fencing
STEVE: Fencing?
FR. KLEM: Uhhh yup!
STEVE: That’s… very cool! (grabbing the tv) Alright come on TV. See ya later Father.
(door clinks shut)
PAT: That was… very sneaky father.
FR. KLEM: The Lord works in mysterious ways. I am just honored to be his vessel.
PAT: Well thank God for you then.
FR. KLEM: Want to really thank him, give his vessel some meatloaf - an and slice if you have one!
PAT: On it your holiness.