Episode transcript - “only one way to find out”
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Season 4, Episode 12: Only One Way to Find Out
[SFX: Door shuts to a small conference room, a clock ticks on the wall]
ROGER: Look who finally decided to show up.
FR. KLEM: Don’t blame Father Ben, Roger. I had to take all my medicines. Thursdays mean I have to take the big pill and I need to listen to my motivational playlist before trying to take that thing down.
SR. ANNE: As exciting as all this talk of you swallowing is Father we are thirty minutes behind schedule and Bishop Marino has a packed day.
FR. BEN: (Sarcastically) Well we’d hate to hold you up any further.
[SFX: Ben and Klem take their seats.]
MARINO: You know the seriousness of why we are here Father Ben, now is not the time for your millennial snark.
BRETT: You tell him Bishop Marino!
ROGER and MARINO: Shut up Brett.
ROGER: Apologies Bishop Marino, I’m just used to that being my line.
MARINO: It’s fine Supreme Admiral, Sister Anne - can you get us started?
SR. ANNE: Absolutely. (clears her throat) Good morning, everyone… (waits a beat then clears her throat again)
BRETT, ROGER, FR. BEN:, FR. KLEM: (mumbling) Good morning.
SR. ANNE: Thank you. (Reading) Bishop Marino would like to thank everyone for making the trip here to the Cathedral. We are here in this conference room to discuss the grave concerns submitted to the diocese by senior members of the St. Patrick's chapter of the Armada of Amerigo regarding Father Ben’s behavior both as pastor of St. Patrick’s and beforehand. At the permission of the Bishop I will allow the Vice Admiral Brett Servidone to read the statement prepared by the Armada.
MARINO: Go ahead, Brett.
BRETT: Thank you, your holiness, and may I just say it is an honor to be in such a meeting as this regardless of the circum….
MARINO: (Impatient) Yeah, yeah get reading we don’t have all day.
BRETT: Yes sir. Well, (unfolds a piece of paper) as the diocese is well aware, The St. Patrick’s Chapter of The Armada of Amerigo has expressed significant concerns regarding the overt attempts by Father Ben Moynahan to infect our parish community with the woke mind virus.
MARINO: (Exasperated) In the name of the Lord, (looking for help) Anne?
ANNE: Mr. Servidone we explicitly warned you not to wax poetic. Stick to your accusations or we’ll absolve Father Ben here no questions asked.
BRETT: Uh, right… apologies. I just, I am personally hurt by this. My son recently mentioned sharing a snack with friends at school.
FR. BEN: How is that a problem?
BRETT: While I'd appreciate it if the criminal didn’t speak during my testimony,
FR. BEN: (scoffs)
BRETT: I’ll spell it out for you, sharing is just a toxic code for…
FR. BEN: Wait, you’re not really going to say (Brett says it with him) Socialism.
BRETT: Damn straight.
FR. BEN: Bishop Marino, I get that I have to be here, but this is absurd to have to sit through.
MARINO: Father Ben, I have to agree with Mr. Servidone here. You should sit there and shut your mouth.
FR. BEN: I will no…
FR. KLEM: Benjiiii… Benji. I got it, Bishop Marino is right. Just hear the Vice Admiral’s side of the story, we all just want what’s best for St. Patrick’s here. Isn’t that right, Brett?
BRETT: Absolutely, as always the voice of reason, Father Klem.
FR. KLEM: Just read your damn paper Brett, don’t push it.
BRETT: Right let me skip ahead… (muttering) mind virus, socialist, empathy is poison, altar server DEI… ok here we go. Pastor Fr. Ben acts as the moral compass for our church community, as such he has subjected our community to not just his morality but his politics, much of which falls well outside of the church’s teachings.
MARINO: Do you have proof of this?
BRETT: Yes Bishop Marino. I will now read a list of accusations from our community against Fr. Ben. ONE: A child of Amerigo learned that his classmate Mitchell started smoking grass with his mother after she’d spoken with Father Ben…
MARINO: Fr. Ben, did you seriously encourage a mother to smoke marijuana with her child?
FR. BEN: This is from a private confession I’m really not at liberty to discuss, but I can say Mitchell is 18 years old.
MARINO: Very well, what else Brett?
BRETT: We learned from the Grandmother of a child in St. Patrick’s youth group that Fr. Ben is allowing a satanic youth organization to operate out of the church basement!
MARINO: What?!
FR. BEN: Do you mean the kids playing Dungeons and Dragons? Are you seriously going to play into that old moral panic?
MARINO: Good heavens Mr. Servidone, I thought you meant actual satanists.
BRETT: Might as well be! Might as well be…
MARINO: Keep going.
BRETT: Well if not satanists, how about atheists!
FR. BEN: I’m pretty sure “All are welcome” is at the core of being a Catholic.
BRETT: Not when they are speaking… about their experiences!
MARINO: Anne?
SR. ANNE: (stern) Start wrapping this up Mr. Servidone.
BRETT: (takes a deep breath) Sorry, this one is really upsetting.
ROGER: (consoling) Be strong Brett, you can handle this.
BRETT: He… encouraged… my wife… to read sexually explicit novels.
ROGER: (in a bad faith whisper) So perverse…
MARINO: Father Ben?
FR. BEN: Again this is from a private meeting, all I will say is I would never tell somebody that came to me with guilt about reading a book that they were being overtly sinful.
BRETT: He admits it!
MARINO: With all do… respect, Mr. Servidone. We received your constant letters regarding these accusations and others but there is one reason we felt your concerns were worth having you come visit us in Syracuse. Can we cut to the chase here?
BRETT: Right, ok. Skipping to the point… and we know this must be very disturbing for you Bishop Marino, but Fr. Klem’s illness was not the only reason Fr. Ben took his position at St. Patrick’s.
MARINO: (feigning surprise) What? Please explain.
BRETT: Well, you see, at a recent regional Armada event Sam Inwood of the, admittedly underwhelming, Binghamton chapter informed us of Father Ben’s disgusting past.
MARINO: (still acting surprised) Oh my! What awful things did he do?
BRETT: I’m glad you asked! He slept with Mr. Inwood’s wife and basically ruined their marriage!
MARINO: This is… unbelievable. I assume you have proof?
BRETT: Here is a letter the harlot Olivia Inwood wrote to her husband, explaining she was leaving him for our perfect little priest here.
MARINO: (grabbing the letter) This is damning, Father Ben. I cannot believe you took the pastor position here under these false pretenses. Between myself, Father Antonio and even sad little Fr. Klem, you’ve really put us all in a horrible position, totally on your own.
BRETT: Exactly! What a terrible guy!
MARINO: What do you have to say for yourself Fr. Ben, is this true?
FR. BEN: (through gritted teeth) Yup, sure is.
SR. ANNE: (fake gasp) He admits it!
ROGER: You got him Brett, red handed.
MARINO: Just awful, Fr. Ben.
FR. BEN: (a bit monotone) I know and I am deeply sorry to everyone here and the entire parish.
MARINO: (sighs) Too little too late I’m afraid. I have no choice but to punish you.
FR. BEN: (again monotone) Nothing less than I deserve.
BRETT: (gleeful) Darn tootin’!
MARINO: Given the seriousness of this accusation I have no choice but to suspend you for six months, with pay.
BRETT: What?! That’s it?
ROGER: We were really hoping for Excommunication, Bishop!
BRETT: I can’t imagine a worse crime a priest could even commit.
MARINO: Ok, even I can say that’s ignorant, bordering on poor taste.
BRETT: But seriously! Come on, we came here to see blood!
MARINO: Listen, I do not need to explain myself to you and you’ve said it yourselves, that all you wanted was for him to not have undue influence on your community. Well, you got your wish! And with that… Anne?
SR. ANNE: Gentleman I believe that’s all we need from you. We’ll stay here to chat with Fr. Ben and Klem for a few more minutes. You can see yourselves out?
ROGER: Unbelievable!
BRETT: At least we’ll have six months not to worry about you poisoning our youth and our wives!
FR. KLEM: (muttering to Ben) Stay quiet, Benji. (To the men) See you around, gentleman.
SR. ANNE: Have a safe trip back to Texarkana!
[SFX: Door shuts behind them.]
SR. ANNE: Father Ben, you couldn’t put a little more effort into your lines?
FR. KLEM: Don’t beat the guy up, he’s no actor.
SR. ANNE: Bishop Marino went out of his way to do this for you and he sounded like Lawrence Olivier over here!
FR. BEN: I’m sorry it’s just a lot to hear people talk about you that way.
MARINO: Well then you could have tried to keep your shit together.
FR. BEN: I really don’t…
MARINO: Can it Ben, I don’t want to hear it. This never had to become a problem. If you’d only listened to me and didn’t give them so much to whine about that we had to have Anne’s nephew teach her how to set up an email filter.
FR. BEN: Whatever, I’m just trying to make people’s lives better.
MARINO: (Sarcastic) And a great job you’re doing at that! This is why Catholicism was better in the old days. Everything was scary and in Latin, nothing to argue about. Idiots like you couldn’t play the revolutionary hero and inconvenience me for several months.
FR. BEN: What’s the point of doing this if I can’t help the vulnerable people in my community?
MARINO: You help by being available for Mass. Spend your time trying to create some kind of woke utopia… What did you think would happen at your small town Catholic church? Do you realize how lucky you are?
FR. BEN: Sister Anne has made that very clear in her phone calls.
SR. ANNE: Well, if it wasn’t for Fr. Klem’s passionate advocacy for you at our three dinners this month, it would be a very different story. I hope you’ve expressed gratitude toward him. If I were you I would be kissing his feet, his hands, his cheeks, his…
FR. KLEM: Yes, yes, Benji has been very understanding.
SR. ANNE: Good Klem, as he should be.
FR. BEN: I get it, Bishop Marino. I do, and I appreciate the lighter sentence given the… circumstances.
MARINO: Good. Plus, it’s not exactly like we have a massive bench of substitute options around. If Klem didn’t volunteer to temporarily take on pastoral duties… (clearly disturbed at this thought) I might have actually had to come down to St. Patrick's myself for the next six months.
FR. BEN: God forbid…
MARINO: No. I forbid, and don’t forget that going forward. I’ve done what I can to keep a lid on this, but your whole community is going to know about your little tryst by the time you come back from suspension.
FR. BEN: I’m sure they know already.
MARINO: Regardless, I think we’ll need to see a more reserved Fr. Ben if you expect to make things work in this parish going forward.
FR. BEN: (sighs) Understood.
MARINO: Good. Well there’s the door. And I pray for your sake I don’t hear the words “Father Ben” for the next six months.
FR. BEN: Right…
MARINO: Anne, please show these gentlemen out.
SR. ANNE: Fr. Ben, please turn in your collar.
FR. BEN: What? It’s not like a police badge.
FR. KLEM: Just do it, it’s part of the deal.
FR. BEN: (takes off the collar) Alright, here you go.
SR. ANNE: Thank you Father. Now out this way… (opens the door)
FR. BEN: Thanks
SR. ANNE: We better not hear about you doing any vigilante priesting.
FR. BEN: I wouldn’t dream of it.
SR. ANNE: Father Klem, I’ll be coming down next week to observe your first mass back in action. Please wear the purple vestments, you know how much I like those.
FR. KLEM: Anne, those are only for Lent.
SR. ANNE: Like anyone is paying attention.
FR. KLEM: (Sighs) Fine…
SR. ANNE: (Opens the outside door) Good. Well this is where I leave you. Safe travels back to Texarkana Fathers.
[MIDROLL AD-BREAK]
[SFX: Windy day that is suddenly muted by the sound of a car door closing.]
FR. BEN: (Sighs)
FR. KLEM: Benji, can you turn on the engine? I am freezing my tuchus off.
FR. BEN: Right, sorry. Let’s get out of here.
(SFX: The sound of the car reversing and then the sound of a blinker as they turn out of the church parking lot. The engine revs a bit as they turn onto the main road and there is nothing but the sound of the road for a moment as Ben and Klem sit in silence.]
FR. KLEM: (Begins to hum coming around the mountain)
FR. BEN: What are you humming?
FR. KLEM: (sings) She’ll be coming ‘round the mountain when she comes, She’ll be coming ‘round the mountain when she comes, She’ll be coming ‘round the mountain, She’ll be coming ‘round the mountain…
FR. BEN: (trying to get him quiet) Ok, Ok I get it.
FR. KLEM: Just trying to lighten the mood.
FR. BEN: (chuckles with a hit of self-disdain) Right, thanks.
FR. KLEM: Benji, you know I can’t do the sitting in silence thing…
FR. BEN: You took a fake vow of silence for months at the assisted living place.
FR. KLEM: OK, you know I don’t want to do it right now.
FR. BEN: Well I don’t know what to say, Klem? That was fun? I’m so excited for my vacation.
FR. KLEM: Well have you decided what you’ll do?
FR. BEN: You’ve been begging me to play that game Rogue Runners on your Swap… figure that’ll kill at least a month.
FR. KLEM: Very funny… that’s good for two weeks tops if you’re unemployed.
FR. BEN: I don’t know, Klem, I figure I’ll stay in town and just figure it out.
FR. KLEM: You sure that’s the best idea?
FR. BEN: Who would do the dishes if I left?
FR. KLEM: I’ve been doing dishes all on my own for seven decades, Benji.
FR. BEN: But seriously, I’ve got nowhere to go.
FR. KLEM: That’s still not a reason to stay.
FR. BEN: What do you want from me? Some Carpe Diem attitude?
FR. KLEM: I’m sure Marino would appreciate that Latin at least.
FR. BEN: Ha. Ha. I have spent the last few years of my life becoming a part of this community, trying to help these people. Pardon me for not having a great plan for what to do when people from that same community just tried and mostly succeeded in getting me removed.
FR. KLEM: That’s what I’m saying though Benji, why stick around for that?
FR. BEN: Because I care?
FR. KLEM: Because you’re scared.
FR. BEN: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
FR. KLEM: (sighs) Benji, Brett and Roger are a horse’s ass and taint, respectively.
FR. BEN: Stop trying to make me feel better.
FR. KLEM: BUT, they are right about one thing… the work you’re trying to do does run counter to the place you’re trying to do it.
FR. BEN: You can’t be serious right now… you want to have this conversation?
FR. KLEM: Benji, I am just thinking of you as a person. I see how much you strained this year to be there for people who needed it.
FR. BEN: That’s the job.
FR. KLEM: No, it isn’t.
FR. BEN: Maybe not how you do it…
FR. KLEM: Benji… I’ve been doing this for over 40 years and have never been suspended.
FR. BEN: Not sure that’s the brag you think it is.
FR. KLEM: How dare you imply I’d ever brag about being a priest.
FR. BEN: Ok but I still don’t get your point.
FR. KLEM: Yes you do, you know you’re stretching past the point of what the powers that be will allow.
FR. BEN: You can’t make change without being uncomfortable.
FR. KLEM: You can’t keep your job without being comfortable!
FR. BEN: Sounds like a fucking paradox to me then.
FR. KLEM: That’s… kind of my point, Benji.
FR. BEN: Wow, a self professed nihilist telling me what I’m doing has no meaning, color me shocked!
FR. KLEM: (frustrated) Benji! (calms) I just… I care about you. And honestly, I’m worried.
FR. BEN: About me? Klem I’ll be fine.
FR. KLEM: Benji, I made amends with the fact that being a Priest involved a level of hypocrisy that I was comfortable with. That what I’m selling comes with a lot of nasty… extra stuff.
FR. BEN: And you’re saying I’m not aware of that?
FR. KLEM: No, and Jesus stop being so defensive, I’m trying to be serious here but when you pout like that I have a need to make fun of you.
FR. BEN: What’s your point?
FR. KLEM: My point is I know you know that, but I also don’t think you’ll ever be able to accept it.
FR. BEN: Just because you’re complacent doesn’t mean I should be.
FR. KLEM: Benji, don’t make me use my favorite fake quote from my old friend Albert Einstein.
FR. BEN: I know the definition of insanity.
FR. KLEM: And yet you insist on keeping at this.
FR. BEN: Says the guy who will be doing my homilies for the next six months!
FR. KLEM: I’m not insane Ben, I’m just too old to change and I need health insurance.
FR. BEN: Right. Thanks again for taking that on.
FR. KLEM: It’s nothing, all this time with Anne is the worst part.
FR. BEN: I hope she isn’t crossing any lines?
FR. KLEM: Anne? God no, she’s like a dog and a garbage truck with her vows. Wouldn’t know what to do if it ever got to the actual line.
[SFX: Ben gets a text.]
FR. BEN: Can you check that for me?
FR. KLEM: Guess who?
FR. BEN: What’d she say?
FR. KLEM: She said, “I guess I’m the reason you need to leave town for a while again.”
FR. BEN: Seriously.
FR. KLEM: No you seriously, Benji. Texarkana is small and everyone and their brother will know what happened between you and Olivia by the end of the dinner rush tomorrow.
FR. BEN: Let them talk. So what?
FR. KLEM: So your best friend aside from me in this whole town being your ex with both of your dirty laundry around for everyone to see. I just don’t see how that’s an environment conducive to figuring things out!
FR. BEN: What is there to even figure out! I’m only suspended.
FR. KLEM: Not just you, you self centered ass. Olivia has her own shit to sift through, you think she’ll be able to move forward with everyone and their uncle gabbing about seeing her at Lexi’s donut shop with her ex-priest lover?
FR. BEN: No, I mean, that isn’t fair. I…(comes around finally) you’re right. But what the heck am I supposed to do? Move home with my mom in Tonawanda, go on tour with my Brother?
FR. KLEM: I’m sure Satan’s Gooch would love to have you sell merch in your priest garments.
FR. BEN: Anne took my collar, remember?
FR. KLEM: (chuckles) She’s always one step ahead.
FR. BEN: But seriously, what am I even supposed to do with myself?
FR. KLEM: Honestly Benji?
FR. BEN: Yeah.
FR. KLEM: Who cares.
FR. BEN: Helpful as always.
FR. KLEM: Benji you’re still in your 30’s, you’re a kid by my estimation. Sure, go spend time with your mom. Go travel the world by train. See every baseball stadium in America.
FR. BEN: I don’t even like baseball.
FR. KLEM: Really? For somebody as boring as you I just assumed… that’s beside the point anyway. You are young, you have a lot to figure out and the one place I don’t think you’ll be able to do that is in Texarkana and especially not in our shitty apartment right next to the church you are banned from entering.
FR. BEN: You want me gone that bad, eh?
FR. KLEM: Benji. More than anything?
FR. BEN: Bullshit.
FR. KLEM: I won’t lie, it stresses me out, the idea of you leaving. I’ve gotten used to you kid.
FR. BEN: I’d miss you too.
FR. KLEM: I somehow doubt that.
FR. BEN: No, seriously, I love you, Klem. We tease each other but… honestly? You’re my best friend.
FR. KLEM: (sniffles)
FR. BEN: What?
FR. KLEM: Nothing.
FR. BEN: Klem, are you crying?
FR. KLEM: No! Yes. Just thinking of all the laundry I’m going to have to do with you gone.
FR. BEN: I didn’t say I would go.
FR. KLEM: I know but you already agreed with me on the bigger points and I know you’re too smart to knowingly be an idiot.
FR. BEN: Wow thanks, another classic compliment from you.
FR. KLEM: You’re going.
FR. BEN: I’ll call my mom when we get back.
FR. KLEM: I knew it!
FR. BEN: Yup, you win, I’ll take some time, still not entirely sure what good it’ll do me.
FR. KLEM: Just use it to figure it out, what do you want?
FR. BEN: I was doing what I wanted… fixing things from the inside.
FR. KLEM: What did you fix?
FR. BEN: I mean… a lot of people don’t feel seen by the church. I really do think it’s been good to help them.
FR. KLEM: Right, but how many people have told you that you're being kind in a place that openly hates them? On a fundamental, structural level.
FR. BEN: Jesus Klem, you already got me to leave town… why not call that a win and let me live? It’s been a long fucking day.
FR. KLEM: I know Benji, I just… I’m not gonna be here forever, you know?
FR. BEN: Don’t talk like that.
FR. KLEM: I just don’t want you to be in that same apartment twenty years from now as Brett’s kid gets approval to build a third bowling lane and nothing’s changed.
FR. BEN: Klem… that’s jaded even for you.
FR. KLEM: It’s just. You’re a special guy Benji, you do a lot for people. I just wonder…
FR. BEN: What?
FR. KLEM: How much better the world would be if your heart wasn’t wasted on this church.
FR. BEN: Klem, that’s… really sincere.
FR. KLEM: Shut up.
FR. BEN: I honestly don’t know what to say… I don’t know what else to be but this.
FR. KLEM: I’m not saying decide now, but just… think about it… for me.
FR. BEN: Sure, Klem… and look at that timing, the Texarkana exit.
FR. KLEM: Home sweet home…
FR. BEN: For you at least.
FR. KLEM: Oh, don’t be so dramatic.
FR. BEN: You know I expect you to keep me updated on how things are going while I’m gone.
FR. KLEM: And you know you’re a fool if you think I’ll be texting you like your little private eye friend.
FR. BEN: Right…
FR. KLEM: You know you have to figure out what’s going on there too, right?
FR. BEN: What? We’re just friends, that ship has sailed.
FR. KLEM: Just saying, maybe taking a texting break would be good for you both.
FR. BEN: You’re really trying to make sure that you and I leave in a fight.
FR. KLEM: We both know I’m too adorable for that to ever be possible.
FR. BEN: (sighs) I know you’re right about Olivia… I’ll text her and let her know the deal… that I’m taking some time to process… everything
FR. KLEM: Good boy, no need to let it all bubble up into another rom com drama at a train station. You’re growing!
FR. BEN: Oh can it… (Ben pulls into the driveway of the church) Ah here we are again Saint Pat’s.
[SFX: Car parks and shuts off.]
FR. KLEM: I’m sure the Armada already put up, “No Fr. Bens Allowed” signs, I can walk over there now and grab things from your office.
FR. BEN: Thanks, Klem.
FR. KLEM: Of course Benji.
FR. BEN: No you know… I mean for everything. I think you maybe saved my life these last couple years?
FR. KLEM: And you mine, kiddo. I love you.
[SFX: They hug.]
FR. BEN: (mid-hug teary) I love you too, Klem. Hey, I’m going to be ok… right?
FR. KLEM: I don’t know Benji, but there’s only one way to find out.
[SFX: Forgive Me! end credits music begins to play.]