Episode transcript - “to hold a bunny gently”
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Season 4, Episode 9: To Hold a Bunny Gently[SFX: Fr Ben sits in the confessional, a little bored. Maybe lets out a sigh. Maybe plays a little Tetris, whatever. We linger here for a few beats until… Dana gets into the booth with a force of movement. They sit but don’t speak.]
FR BEN: Uh, hello? Someone on the other side over there or is it just the Holy Ghost?
DANA: [clears throat]
FR BEN: Does the Holy Ghost need a lozenge?
DANA: (unamused) Dad jokes are better said by fathers who actually have children.
FR BEN: Ah, okay. Fair enough. (sobering tone) What brings you in here today? If I’m honest, you don’t sound like any of my usual parishioners.
DANA: (bitter bark of laughter) This is the first time I’ve stepped inside your church. It’s been about... ten years since my last confession.
FR BEN: That’s a long time. You don’t need to share what’s kept you away but, I’m happy to help now.
[SFX: Quiet.]
DANA: I would like to make a confession.
FR BEN: I’m all ears.
[SFX: Beat.]
DANA: I would like to confess the sin of being a part of the Catholic church for twenty three years.
FR BEN: Hm. That’s not… a sin?
DANA: It is to me.
FR BEN: So you’re coming to a Catholic church to tell a Catholic priest that... you think you being a part of the church is a sin.
DANA: Yes.
FR BEN: Why?
DANA: Because I saw this church and I thought enough was enough, that I had to tell someone and there was a priest outside talking to some cat and he said that another priest was taking confessions so I should take whatever was on my mind to him.
FR BEN: Ah, so you met Father Klem. I’m Father Ben.
DANA: (annoyed) Okay.
FR BEN: (back on track) Why don’t you tell me why you think your part in the church was a sin?
DANA: Do you know much about Junípero Serra?
FR BEN: Ah… he was a Catholic missionary in California I believe? Was not very kind to the indigenous people of the area if I remember.
DANA: (scoffs) He spearheaded a genocide.
FR BEN: Yes, he did.
DANA: You know he got canonized? There are churches named after him. Not in spite of what he did but because of it.
FR BEN: Now, I’m not condoning his actions of course. I’ll be the first to admit that the church as done some truly terrible things-
DANA: The spread of Catholicism is a cancer. For all the preaching about Jesus, it’s become the very type of institution he fought against.
FR BEN: (affected by the vitriol but remaining calm) I’m well aware of the criticisms about Catholicism. What I’m not aware of is how this has impacted you.
DANA: Because I was tricked! For twenty three years. I had to find out about all that not from the Church but its victims. So where is the confession for the Church, Father? Where is that TRUE atonement? Because it created sins for us to commit and then tells us how WE must fix what IT says is wrong. Pray. Atone. Ask for (fucking) forgiveness. But does the church ever beg for forgiveness from the people it’s destroyed? No, because it doesn’t believe it’s sinned at all. I just want one church elder, a priest, nun, I’ll taking a (fucking) seminary student to say those words, “I’m sorry.” No explanation. No excuses. No trying to convince me about all the good it’s done for people. Because I see the good. I see those people Jesus would actually recognize as his followers. I just want the Church to truly see itself and admit and apologize. To beg our forgiveness for what happened to us.
FR BEN: (gentle) I take it something happened to you.
DANA: Shut up.
FR BEN: I can hear your anger, but this can’t be constructive unless you’re honest.
DANA: Unless it’s an apology, I don’t want to hear it.
FR BEN: I can’t apologize for an entire institution. No one person can.
DANA: [Fuck it] Screw it, this was a bad idea.
[SFX: Dana gets up and leaves the booth. Fr Ben follows after.]
FR BEN: Just wait!
[SFX: Dana keeps heading for the exit.]
FR BEN: I’m sorry.
[SFX: Dana’s footsteps stop.]
FR BEN: If you have more to say, perhaps you can come sit with me. It doesn’t have to be in the confessional. We can sit right here. It’s up to you… I know it probably doesn’t mean much but I do want to help.
[SFX: Beat. Dana turns around and joins Fr Ben in the pews, the wood creaking pleasantly.]
FR BEN: I’m sorry, again. No explanations. Just, I’m sorry.
[SFX: Beat. Perhaps we can hear Father Klem in the background outside, talking to the cat.]
DANA: (taking their time) You know what story always stuck with me? Peter, denying Christ three times. He didn’t mean to, but he did. He was looking out for himself. Even knowing that he would do it, he still did it. (beat) Jesus knew that we’d betray him. The Church knew and still did all that horrible stuff anyway.
FR BEN: That’s not the way most priests would interpret that story.
DANA: No. I don’t think my “interpretation” of scripture is that common at most churches. (beat) I used to be such a good little Catholic. Even went to Catholic school. Elementary to middle to high school. Even college. Even grad school. Because of course I did. Nothing creates atheists like Catholic school.
FR BEN: (mildly amused) I’ve heard some stories.
DANA: You know the people who doubt are always the best at playing devout. We get good at finding the best ways to hide in plain sight. Because if you perform well enough, always wear that cross necklace, always sing along with the hymns, then maybe no one will notice. Maybe you can even trick yourself into true devotion. That was me for a while. My friends thought I was the picture perfect pious Catholic. Fell out of touch with them. Once I dropped out of my masters program. Stopped going to mass. My parents were disappointed, but then I lost touch with them too.
FR BEN: Do you have anyone you do stay in touch with?
[SFX: Dana shifts on the pew.]
DANA: Nah, not really. I move around a lot. Been working different hospitality jobs, seasonal gigs in the Adirondacks. Lake George, Cedar, Piseco. Whatever. My last place recommended the bed ‘n breakfast here in town. So here I am. (sarcastic) Really crushing being in my thirties. Truly the pinnacle of achievement.
FR BEN: How have you been settling in?
DANA: It was fine. Until I went to the farmers market. You guys have a suspiciously good produce selection.
FR BEN: And that’s bad because…?
DANA: (admitting) No, it’s not the produce’s fault. I mean, I still got a bone to pick with Bob the Tomato if you wanna know. (beat) But the real thing is… I saw one of your people there. And it just… I remembered how angry I was.
FR BEN: A priest?
DANA: A nun. (bitter breath) A nun I knew back in school when I was a kid.
FR BEN: Who?
[SFX: A tense beat.]
DANA: You ever seen a ghost?
FR BEN: I can’t say that I have.
DANA: Same. All those Adirondack ghost stories and I’ve never seen so much as a whisp. But when I saw her… that’s what I imagine it’d feel like. The pure, deep terror. See, this nun, she was my teacher. Back in elementary school.
Everybody knew about her. Older kids would warn the younger ones about her rulers and her tirades filled with scripture. I was a curious kid. I wanted to be the best child of god I could be so I asked questions. All the time.
[SFX: Flashback. Sister Anne walks the aisles of desks.]
SISTER ANNE: And how did the devil tempt Jesus over those forty days? There are three-
[SFX: Dana raises their hand.]
YOUNG DANA: Sister Anne, I had a question.
SISTER ANNE: What have I said about being quick to listen, but slow to speak?
YOUNG DANA: I just don’t understand why Jesus didn’t eat for FORTY days. That’s so many. Like, he probably wasn’t even pooping by then. Right?
SISTER ANNE: This passage is not about the Lord’s restroom use. It is for us to understand the Lord’s strength in the face of-
YOUNG DANA: But he chose not to eat and if I did that I’d get in trouble because my mom says we have to eat for energy and to be strong, so how come God didn’t tell HIS son that he should eat? Dad’s are supposed to make sure their kids eat. It even says that Jesus was hungr-
SISTER ANNE: SILENCE. Incline your ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply your mind to my knowledge. Proverbs 22:17. I know I have had you read that exact chapter many times, dear. But I suppose you have forgotten yet again. You are the picture of “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child” And I will make an example of you for “the rod of discipline WILL drive it far from him.”
YOUNG DANA: How were they driving if they didn’t have cars back then?
[SFX: With the harsh slap of a ruler on a desk, the flashback ends.]
DANA: She hated my questions. And my handwriting. And my inability to sit still. So she’d yell and… hit my knuckles too. So many times and so hard, I got fractures. Still can’t close my left hand all the way. I guess finger bones are only important if you’re a dead saint.
FR BEN: I am so sorry.
DANA: That’s not even half of it. I remember one time she made us scrub floors with barely diluted bleach. To help cleanse us of our impurities. To let the devil know he had no power over pious children. I kept wondering, how could the church let a woman like her in? God forgives all, sure, but how could his Children stand to let someone like her hurt actual children?
[SFX: Quiet in the space as Fr Ben digests Dana’s words.]
DANA: We once had a petting zoo visit and I remember holding a bunny. Feeling how soft it was. How its quick little breaths felt under my sore hands. I remember looking up to see her holding a bunny too. I watched as she held this little creature, one of God’s creatures, so gently. Petting it with this delicate touch and the look on her face! I remember thinking, that’s how Mother Mary must have looked at her son. With such care and affection and gentleness. So why did this woman only hold contempt for me? Why did I get vile words instead of a soft smile?
[SFX: Quiet.]
FR BEN: Do you remember her name?
DANA: Of course I do. Sister Anne.
[MIDROLL AD-BREAK]
DANA: Do you know her?
FR BEN: (careful) I’ve… encountered her.
DANA: So she’s still getting away with it. (beat) You know what hurts? The fact she could still love, even after all that cruelty. Feels like it shouldn’t be allowed.
FR BEN: I’m sorry.
DANA: Stop saying that.
FR BEN: I thought you wanted an apology. And I am sorry, for what happened to you.
DANA: You were right, it doesn’t mean anything from you. You priests, you take all these confessions, all the little problems and people’s pain. And you respond in a calm voice. You don’t feel it. That pain. I’ve never heard human pain from a priest. It’s like you’re all above it.
FR BEN: Just because you don’t hear it doesn’t mean we don’t feel it. We’re people, just like you.
DANA: So show it. Show it for once because this calm control… it makes me sick. People are supposed to be vulnerable to you but it never seems to be the other way around.
FR BEN: I understand you’ve had horrible things happen to you, by people a part of the church. But it’s important for you to know how the church has changed. Or at least how some of us are trying to change things here at St. Patrick’s. Some parishioners aren’t always… happy with how I approach things but I do try to be honest, to be vulnerable with them about my own faults.
DANA: But did you feel them? Those faults. Or were you just trying to offer up some… intellectualized example for your homilies?
FR BEN: I try to give my parishioners what they need to hear. Which between you and me, is not always what they want to hear.
[SFX: Quiet a moment.]
DANA: All the priests I heard as a kid had an idea about what I needed too. Just read the bible, listen to your elders. You’ll understand when you’re older. They didn’t get that I needed to ask questions. That I needed real answers, even if they weren’t easy. When I was… seven or so? I remember asking Father Victor if Jesus spoke English. He said no, Jesus didn’t speak English. So then I asked why the bible was in English. He said it was translated. And then I asked how did we know that the words were the right words for what he actually said. He said, “oh, Sister Anne told me about you. Maybe you should try studying the verses instead of asking so many questions.”
FR BEN: I’ve encountered that attitude myself. Many times.
DANA: I thought things would be different in college, but if I thought Father Victor was a stick in the mud, my professors were like, curmudgeon level. Just so rigid in the traditional interpretations and analyses. It was like, “Oh I have a PhD from decades ago and you’re just a lowly student who doesn’t know anything.” Which I’m like, duh, I don’t know stuff because I’m here to learn! Which means sometimes asking questions and, I dunno, challenging ideas? Anyway. Turns out it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it was for me to finish my masters. I had such a hard time getting any of my thesis proposals accepted by my shitty advisor that I just… gave up. Submitted something I knew he’d like. But I hated it. It wasn’t what I was there to do. And I was just so tired of fighting. So I quit. Turns out I hate the hierarchy of academia as much as I hate the hierarchy of the church.
FR BEN: Have you ever thought about going back?
DANA: You really heard all that and thought that I’d even consider going back?
FR BEN: Maybe not to that particular school but… it seems like maybe you still care.
DANA: I mean, I do still care. Sort of. A little bit. I don’t go to church or whatever but… even after everything, I like learning. I like reading about the history of the church, the historical context of interpretation, translation. I can’t read or write Aramaic or anything, but I’ve read what linguists and historians have to say about it. Contextualizing parables and whatnot.
FR BEN: Do you have a favorite passage to contextualize?
[SFX: Beat as Dana thinks a moment.]
DANA: It was Luke…. 15 or 16? 16 I think. The story about the master and the steward.
FR BEN: That’s a tricky one. Definitely been in a few discussions myself about what the takeaway is.
DANA: That’s my favorite kind of parable. The ones that aren’t cut and dry. Because it’s like, this guy wants to fire the guy managing his finances for mismanagement. But then the steward is like, shit, I have no other marketable skills. So he trims down the debts that people owe his boss so those people are more likely to give him shelter. Which is genius! The boss even admits it! No one in this story is a good guy. They’re all kinda shitty. You priests tend to focus on the wealth part of it. Because of the later verses, you know? Jesus is like, if you mess up the riches of earth, you’re gonna carry that over to the riches of heaven.
FR BEN: That’s not exactly the phrasing.
DANA: (growing more passionate) Yeah I know, I’m just gisting it ‘cause that’s not the point I’m making. So anyway, here’s the thing. In that era, honor and shame were really big. Like, still a thing now obviously but not in the same way. So for this boss to have a steward that is messing up… that’s a reflection on him. That’s dishonoring him. So he’s gotta fire the guy. But when the steward is super clever, the boss is like… “Okay, I have to recognize that.”. He sets aside that need for honor to give his steward credit. That’s huge for that time period! And I know it’s not what the church wants us to take away but… it’s a perspective that can give us another facet of meaning. Because why should there ever be only ONE meaning of a parable. Why can’t they have multiple layers?
FR BEN: It’s an interesting perspective, to center the Master rather than the Steward.
DANA: Right? Like, why not? Why can’t that matter too?
[SFX: Beat.]
FR BEN: Hate to break it to you but… I think you might still care more than a little bit.
DANA: Yeah, maybe. Whatever. [beat] How come most people don’t care about this stuff?
FR BEN: To be honest, most people are just doing their best to live their lives.
DANA: I can’t tell if I wish people were different. Or if I wish I was different.
FR BEN: What’s that about accepting the things we can’t change, courage to change what we can-
DANA: And the wisdom to know I don’t go for empty platitudes?
FR BEN: (laughs) Fair enough.
DANA: Maybe I am wrong and God does exist and Sister Anne was right.
FR BEN: Right about what?
DANA: That I did something so terrible that I deserve losing his love. That my penance is to live a life in anger, believing our Father who art in heaven is just a… sick fairytale.
FR BEN: I don’t believe that’s true.
DANA: Which part?
FR BEN: That you deserve any of what happened to you. That you lost any of God’s love.
DANA: I don’t think he exists.
FR BEN: What do you believe in?
DANA: I believe that people wear different faces for whatever suits them in the moment. That they’re just trying to figure out how much they can get away with. I’ve worked enough hospitality jobs to know that people are pretty terrible.
FR BEN: They can also be wonderful.
DANA: Yeah, they can hold a bunny gently with all the love in their body. And then the next day tell a kid they’re going to hell for drawing a flower in their bible.
FR BEN: People are always going to be complicated. That doesn’t excuse their actions at all. But… always focusing on people’s capacity for evil might be stopping you from appreciating any of the good. You said you see the people that Jesus would recognize as his followers. That has to mean something.
DANA: Yeah. Yeah, I guess it does. (beat) I miss them. And I’m ashamed that I miss them. The community I used to have in the church. The ones who actually did good works. But I can’t abide by the institution that gave me that. An institution that steals land. And people. All in the name of a man who would hate them for it. (growing emotion) I mean Sister Anne is still walking around like she’s the pinnacle of holiness while I… I…
[SFX: Dana takes a deep breath. Fr Ben gives them space for a moment.]
FR BEN: You’re a part of my community now, for however long you’re here. I hope you know that.
DANA: (quietly) Thanks. (small laugh) You don’t even know my name.
FR BEN: (gentle smile) That’s how it usually goes for confessions.
DANA: Dana. My name is Dana. And you and I both know this was never really a confession.
FR BEN: Not a traditional one, no.
DANA: I appreciate you hearing me out. Most priests probably would’ve told me to leave.
FR BEN: I’ve got my own way of doing things here. I take “All Are Welcome” seriously. (beat) Now, I’m not naive enough to ask if you’d like to come to mass but… we do have potlucks and other events where you might find community. If you’re looking for that.
DANA: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
FR BEN: We take all kinds, these events aren’t just for parishioners.
DANA: I know. But I don’t think I can handle being around people who just… are complacent in the church.
FR BEN: I see.
DANA: Thank you.
FR BEN: You’re welcome. And you always will be.
DANA: (laughing a little) I don’t want to be. (half-joking) Any chance you could get me ex-communicated?
FR BEN: (laughs) I’d really rather not. (the idea occurring to him) But listen… how would you like to lead a workshop?
DANA: What?
FR BEN: I think you could help the people who want to wrestle more with their faith. Use that almost masters degree to really engage with the bible. A place to talk about that historic context.
DANA: This feels like a trap.
FR BEN: You’re not wrong about complacency but, some of the parishioners here may surprise you. They’re looking for that challenge and I know I could use the help to give it to them.
DANA: What if I turn them all into a bunch of atheists?
FR BEN: Is that what you’re hoping for?
DANA: No. But what if that’s what people think I’m trying to do?
FR BEN: The people who show up will want to be there. And those that don’t end up liking it will leave.
DANA: And probably run to you about the heretic you’ve brought into their midst.
FR BEN: Let me worry about the people who might complain. You’ve got a workshop to plan.
DANA: I didn’t say yes!
FR BEN: Mm, but you’ve got that look I know well. You’re not gonna say no.
DANA: No.
FR BEN: Perfect, you’ve got the contrarian point of view nailed already.
DANA: Fine. I’ll think about it. (pause) Would I need curriculum approval or anything?
FR BEN: I’d like you to keep me in the loop. Actually, I’m hoping to have time to attend. But no, I’m not going to bring the hammer down just because you’re bringing up uncomfortable things about the Bible. That’s what this is for.
DANA: Okay. I believe you.
[SFX: Dana stands and stretches.]
DANA: I should probably get going. Oh. If I were to have some ideas, MAYBE… is your email on the church website? Wait, this church does have a website, right?
FR BEN: Yes, we’re not completely in the dark ages.
DANA: Cool cool. Good to know. No promises!
FR BEN: Looking forward to that email.
DANA: See you around Father Ben.
FR BEN: See you around.
[SFX: A few steps away.]
FR BEN: Oh, Dana?
DANA: Yeah?
FR BEN: It is a good thing to care. I hope you don’t lose that.
DANA: (affectionate/ amused) Save it for the sermon, Father.
[SFX: Dana leaves. Maybe we hear them in the distance cooing at the cat.]