Episode transcript - “the self-imposed deputy of the playground”

ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Season 4, Episode 8: The Self-Imposed Deputy of the Playground

[SFX: Olivia is driving her car while listening to music. She pulls into a restaurant parking lot, putting the car into park, but not turning it off yet. A familiar cell phone beep sounds.]

FR. BEN: I can’t believe you’re about to go on a blind double date with Joe Walters of all people.

OLIVIA: (we hear the sound of a phone typing whenever she speaks, and text dings before we hear Ben) Trust me, neither can I.

FR. BEN: Lexi didn’t give you any hints who’d be on the other side of that table?

OLIVIA: No. All she would say was that Joe was really excited to introduce us. Convinced we’d be a perfect fit.

FR. BEN: That doesn’t inspire a whole heck of a lotta confidence.

OLIVIA: No. It does not.

FR. BEN: At least you’re getting a free meal out of it.

OLIVIA: Hah! You’re not wrong. Speaking of, I should probably get in there. I’m already late.

FR. BEN: You could always bail. Tell them you had an emergency at the office.

OLIVIA: I’ve got Sue and Dame Judi on standby for a scheduled call in 45 minutes, at which point I’ll decide if the free meal is worth the painfully awkward conversation.

FR. BEN: Good plan. My mom always says, sometimes, there’s no way out but through.

OLIVIA: I’ll talk to you later.

FR. BEN: Looking forward to it.

[SFX: Sighing, Olivia finally turns off the car and opens the door. She’s startled to find Lexi standing directly outside of it, smoking a cigarette.]

LEXI: You know, some people find it rude to show up late for a first date.

OLIVIA: Ah, I’m sorry! It’s been such a crazy—

LEXI: (chuckling) I’m kidding, honey. The men are keeping themselves company going over the beer list.

OLIVIA: Can you give me any kind of hint as to what I’m about to walk into?

LEXI: He’s a sweet man. Loves Bavarian cream doughnuts and unsweetened iced tea. Always leaves a tip.

OLIVIA: Anything other than his usual order?

LEXI: Afraid not. Those details are on you.

OLIVIA: (sigh) I can’t believe I let you put me up to this.

LEXI: You’re the one who said you hadn’t gotten laid in a year. Sometimes you’ve gotta just buck up and get back on the horse.

OLIVIA: Please tell me you didn’t tell him that.

LEXI: (laughing) Just go in with an open mind, honey. Who knows, maybe the two of you’ll hit it off. You never know how people will surprise you these days.

OLIVIA: (groan) That’s easy for you to say, Mrs. Walters.

LEXI: (stamping out her cigarette) Alright, Ms. Inwood. I think that’s enough stalling for one day.

OLIVIA: Are you sure it isn’t too late for me to back out?

LEXI: You could… but the boys are sitting outside. They’ve got a direct sightline on us right now. It’d be awful rude.

OLIVIA: Let’s get this over with.

LEXI: That’s the spirit!

[SFX: The two women cross the parking lot together, approaching the outdoor seating area where Joe sits with Wade.]

JOE: There’s my favorite girl!

LEXI: Hi sweetie. Wade, this is—

WADE: (standing, awkwardly, bumping into the table) Olivia Inwood. I’ve heard so much about you, I feel like we’re already the best of friends!

OLIVIA: (taking his outstretched hand, shaking it) Lexi! I thought this was supposed to be a blind date! You didn’t tell me we were allowed to snoop.

JOE: (sheepish) I’m afraid that’s my fault, Olivia. Wade Paxton here is the new bailiff down at the courthouse. I may or may not have given him a bit of a rundown.

OLIVIA: Don’t listen to everything this one has to say about me, I swear I’m not all bad!

WADE: On the contrary, Justice Walters has nothing but respect for a fellow law enforcement professional!

JOE: You can call me Joe, Wade. We’re not in the courtroom.

WADE: Of course, your honor, of course.

OLIVIA: That’s not exactly how I’d describe myself, but, sure.

WADE: You’re a detective, aren’t you?

OLIVIA: A private investigator…’s assistant. But I do like to think I’m good at my job.

LEXI: The very best! Now, please, can we all sit back down? If my eyes aren’t deceiving me, it looks like there’s already a bread basket on this table.

JOE: They certainly aren’t, my dear! And it’s fresh.

[SFX: Some ruffling as all four take their seats. Lexi and Olivia both dive into the bread immediately.]

WADE: Gosh, I love when a female isn’t afraid to eat.

OLIVIA: (giving Lexi a dirty look) Oh?

WADE: Yeah! It’s such a turn on. I don’t need you to pick at your food like a little bird, we’re here to enjoy ourselves!

LEXI: Well isn’t that just the most charming thing you’ve ever heard?

JOE: Wade. We talked about this.

WADE: What?

JOE: Some thoughts are better kept to ourselves.

WADE: I don’t understand.

OLIVIA: It’s fine, Joe. Tell me… how long have the two of you been friends?

JOE: (awkward) Well, see, we’ve known each other a long, long time.

OLIVIA: (deadpan) This is Texarkana. Everybody’s known everyone for a long time.

WADE: Justice Walters and I really became friends after I started working alongside him in the courtroom.

LEXI: (pointed) And how long ago was that?

JOE: (sheepish, he knows he beefed this) Two weeks… but it feels like it’s been so much longer than that.

OLIVIA: I can’t imagine why.

WADE: Now we’re inseparable! Our time in the bathroom has begun to sync up.

LEXI: Delightful.

JOE: Wade!

OLIVIA: (stifling a laugh) That’s so sweet. Where were you working before the courthouse?

WADE: Gosh, before this, I must’ve spent six years working security at Alito’s Conversion Vans? Time really does fly when you’re having fun.

OLIVIA: That’s where I know you from! I remember running into you last year after the A of A fire. You were refilling the crockpot full of barbeque cocktail weenies.

WADE: I always thought it was a damn shame that Roger let you and Ms. Tubbles go. It seemed to me like you were really onto something towards the end there.

JOE: That blowhard wouldn’t know a good thing if it smacked him in the face.

LEXI: If I remember correctly, I’d say one did.

OLIVIA: (sheepish) Guilty as charged.

JOE: God, I’d have paid good money to see that.

WADE: I’d never say anything too negative about a previous employer…especially in front of my current employer, but sometimes people do need a bit of outlaw justice.

JOE: Wade, you do understand that you don’t work for me right? We both work for the government. Besides, there’s more than one time I’ve wanted to throw that right hook myself.

WADE: Of course, of course.

LEXI: My husband may or may not have done the due diligence of pulling CCTV footage from the exchange. For strictly investigative purposes, obviously.

OLIVIA: Wait, you’ve—

JOE: Yep. And if you want it? It’s yours.

OLIVIA: For my records. The official ones.

LEXI: A precautionary measure.

WADE: Are you sure that’s allowed?

JOE: Positive. This is simply some cooperation between two local law enforcement professionals. Wouldn’t you say?

WADE: I guess so…

[SFX: A waiter approaches the table, interrupting them.]

WAITER: Have you all had enough time to look over the menu?

JOE: Honey?

LEXI: Be my guest, Bear.

JOE: The lady and I will share an order of the watermelon and feta salad. For an entree, she’ll have the filet mignon, and I’ll have the rosemary grilled swordfish.

LEXI: (slurping the end of a drink) And another one of these frozen negroni sbagliatos? With the prosecco in it?

WAITER: Absolutely. And you, miss?

WADE: (interrupting) This fine lady and I will share the eggplant chips. For an entree, she’ll do the avocado and shaved brussel salad with a side of salmon—

OLIVIA: Um, excuse me?

WADE: (heart sinking immediately into his stomach) Oh, I’m sorry? I thought it was customary…

LEXI: No, sweetie, my husband and I just come here all the time.

WADE: (mortified) You must forgive me. It’s been… a while since I’ve been on a date.

OLIVIA: (awkward chuckle) It’s okay. I’ll have the fried pickles to start, then pork osso buco with poached apples and escarole. And a gin and tonic. With Bombay, if you have it.

WAITER: Coming right up. And you, sir?

WADE: The hamburger, please. No lettuce. No tomato. No onion. No aioli. Fries, extra crispy. And could you put the pickle on a separate plate? 

WAITER: Sure thing, how’d you like that cooked?

WADE: Well done.

WAITER: Would anyone else like another drink?

JOE: A UC, if you’ve got them.

WAITER: Bottle or tap?

JOE: Bottle, please!

WADE: Two of those, if it’s not too much trouble.

WAITER: Not at all. Let me get that put in for you. Don’t hesitate to flag me down if you need me…

[SFX: The waiter leaves and an uncomfortable silence falls over the group. Lexi clears her throat.]

LEXI: So, Wade. What’s your favorite part of the new job?

WADE: The uniform, for sure! I’ve always dreamed of serving my country. But I couldn’t, on account of the flat feet. But flat feet are great for working in the courtroom. Or, at least, that’s what I tell myself. On account of the fact that I’ve gotta stand on ‘em most of the day, every day. I guess it’s just, like, nice to feel like I’m contributing to society in some small way. To keeping a place safe. From public outbursts, or foreign threats, or even from just getting too out of hand in the middle of a heated property dispute…

[SFX: As Wade begins to drone on, we hear the telltale buzz of Olivia’s phone. The clicks of her responses are not subtle, or quiet, but Wade is oblivious to them.]

FR. BEN: Oh my god, you were not kidding about that Australia Day episode of The Koala. Brutal stuff

OLIVIA: (typing) Right?! I told you, it was insane.

FR. BEN: And Nicole Kidman plays their mom? Like, WHAT? A truly unhinged performance.

OLIVIA: You’ll never guess who Joe Walters set me up with.

FR. BEN: Oh, that’s right, you’re on the date! I’m sorry, I should let you get back to it.

OLIVIA: No, seriously, it’s fine. This is hilarious. Guess.

FR. BEN: Steve? Adam?

OLIVIA: No. Though either of them would be funny too. It’s Wade. The Self-Imposed Deputy of the Playground himself.

FR. BEN: Shh! Don’t text that so loudly! I was never supposed to tell you about that!

WADE: And… well, I shouldn’t be so bold, but ah who am I kidding? It’s not not cool to be carrying legally. I mean, it’s mostly for show. I keep it unloaded, after what happened with Officer Gerald over at the Elementary School last winter and all, but it’s what being trusted with it represents that matters. I am a respected man with an honor and a duty to my town, that I take incredibly seriously.

[SFX: Lexi kicks Olivia under the table, who stops texting abruptly. Clearing her throat, she—]

OLIVIA: (muttering) Classic male power fantasy.

JOE: (laughing) That’s what I said!

LEXI: You two are terrible. I think that’s very nice, Wade. It’s clear that you take the responsibility seriously. It’s admirable.

OLIVIA: I’m sorry, that was rude.

WADE: It’s okay. I’m used to it.

OLIVIA: Now that just makes me feel bad.

LEXI: (simultaneously) It should. JOE: (simultaneously) It shouldn’t!

[SFX: Everyone at the table laughs awkwardly, even Wade. Olivia clears her throat again, but just as she’s about to recover, the waiter arrives with drinks.]

WAITER: Okay, so, two bottles of UC for the boys, a frozen negroni, and a G-and-T for the girls.

OLIVIA: (collecting her glass eagerly) Oh, thank God.

WAITER: Those apps will be out for you all in just a minute. Can I get you anything else in the meantime?

WADE: Some more of this bread, if you wouldn’t mind?

OLIVIA: I was thinking the same thing!

JOE: You must be soulmates.

LEXI: Joseph Allen Walters. Behave.

WAITER: Not a problem at all.

[SFX: The waiter leaves. The group is overtaken by the drone of the restaurant around them. Clinking silverware. Water glasses being poured. Illegible conversations.]

[MIDROLL AD BREAK]

[SFX: When we return, we’ve shifted into the women’s restroom. The sink is running as Olivia spends an extra long time washing her hands.]

LEXI: (opening the door, joining her) There we are. I was worried you fell in.

OLIVIA: Heh. No. Just needed a minute.

LEXI: He’s kind of a dud, isn’t he?

OLIVIA: (sucking in air through her teeth) … Kinda! But I seriously appreciate you for setting it up anyways. Please don’t beat yourself up.

LEXI: Oh, I’m not. The man was my husband’s responsibility, and let’s just say his options for male friendship post-divorce have been… lacking.

OLIVIA: It’s still bad?

LEXI: Honestly, things have gotten better, even if everyone still talks behind our backs. Now that Emily’s pregant, Joe’s making a real effort with her. Things are still prickly sometimes, but… it’s good for him. And I think we’ve really started to bond? I mean, it helps that I’m her doughnut dealer, but… she’s already talking about what the baby’s gonna call me. It’s nice.

OLIVIA: I’m so glad to hear it. You deserve a chance, no matter how messy the start of your relationship was, you’re still Joe’s wife. It’s not like they really have a choice, but—

LEXI: On the contrary, they very much do have a choice. And I’m happy with the one they’re making

OLIVIA: No, I mean, yeah, but—

LEXI: It’s okay. I know what you were saying. I just know what estrangement looks all too well myself. 

OLIVIA: (turning off the sink and brushing her hands on her jeans) Me too, my friend. Me too.

[SFX: Olivia’s phone buzzes again in her purse once. Then a second time, almost immediately afterward.]

LEXI: So… who is he?

OLIVIA: (a tad defensive) Oh, this? It’s nobody.

[SFX: There’s a third text.]

LEXI: Doesn’t seem like nobody to me, but you do you, girl.

OLIVIA: (sheepish) Just an old flame. Nothing’s ever happening again… but it’s been… nice. To talk again. 

LEXI: Not…

OLIVIA: Yeah. Him.

LEXI: (knowing) Just be careful. I trust you to know what you’re doing, but I don’t want to see you getting hurt.

OLIVIA: Trust me, that train left the station a long time ago… and he didn’t get on it. We’re just friends.

LEXI: Uh huh… I remember when Joe and I were just friends, too.

OLIVIA: Not even remotely the same thing.

LEXI: (changing the subject) So. You gonna get on the old proverbial horse?

OLIVIA: What did I just say about us being friends?

LEXI: I’m not talking about him, I’m talking about—

[SFX: Lexi makes a gesture back toward the restaurant. Olivia laughs really loudly, and then stops herself.]

OLIVIA: Oh. Lexi. No. No, no, no. Not with Mr. Thin Blue Line out there. Not in a million years.

LEXI: What! It’s not like I’m telling you to marry the guy, just take him for a spin.

OLIVIA: I’ve got a hot date at home with a bottle of red wine, my bathtub, and my Silverbeard’s Revenge.

LEXI: Your what now?

OLIVIA: It’s my newest spicy gay pirate werewolf audiobook.

LEXI: I… don’t not want to know every single thing about that as soon as you finish.

OLIVIA: What can I say? I’m a lady of refined taste.

LEXI: Your loss. If I were a single woman, I can’t say that I wouldn’t give it a shot.

OLIVIA: I will never understand what your type is. 

LEXI: (funny) Neither will I. At least, that’s what my therapist says.

[SFX: The two of them crack up.]

OLIVIA: (sighing) I guess we should get back out there, shouldn’t we? 

LEXI: That would be the polite thing to do, yes.

OLIVIA: I mean, there’s always the nuclear option.

LEXI: And that is?

OLIVIA: Fake work emergency.

LEXI: Don’t even try it. You know he’d kill for a chance to be your stakeout buddy for the night. He’d want to pick your brain, which translates to questioning your every single method, even though he’s never done your job a day in his life.

OLIVIA: Eugh. You’re probably right.

LEXI: I know I am, honey. But at least there will be cake.

[SFX: The friends leave the bathroom and we again shift forward in time. When we return to the table, they’ve all finished their meals and are sharing a final cocktail before the night ends.]

JOE: You know, Ms. Inwood, I have to hand it to you. When I first met you, I thought you were a royal pain in the ass.

LEXI: Joe.

WADE: Aw, don’t worry, Lexi. That’s just his way of showing affection.

LEXI: Sure it is, sweetie.

JOE: But, my wife was right. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, and I’d like to formally apologize for my behavior, when we first met.

OLIVIA: That’s very kind of you, Joe, but you have nothing to apologize for. You had every right to be wary of me, with everything that case was dredging up. If anyone should be sorry, it’s me. And trust me. I am.

JOE: That’s very nice of you to say, but—

LEXI: Everybody’s sorry! Isn’t that just wonderful? Now before the two of you get caught in a feedback loop, can we all just agree that it’s better to make friends than enemies?

WADE: I’ll drink to that!

OLIVIA: (softened) I will too!

JOE: Here, here!

[SFX: Their glasses all clink together before they take a final sip. The restaurant sounds again shift and fade, until it’s clear everyone is ready to leave.]

WADE: Olivia, I hope it’s not too forward of me to ask, but are you doing anything else this evening? It’s awful beautiful out tonight, and I’ve gotta say, walking off all that grub sounds mighty fine right now.

OLIVIA: (kind) That’s very nice of you, Wade. But I’m afraid I’ll have to take a rain check, this time.

WADE: I’m sorry to hear that… but you have my number if you change your mind! (to Joe) She has my number right?

JOE: Uh—

LEXI: She does.

OLIVIA: I do?

LEXI: You do.

WADE: (satisfied) Good. I’d love to do this again sometime. It’s always so nice to get out of the house on the weekends! I don’t do it enough.

OLIVIA: Trust me, I know what you mean. I’ll keep you posted, okay?

WADE: Sounds wonderful.

[SFX: The group stands to leave. As they all return to their respective cars, Olivia’s phone buzzes again. Finally, she reads them all rapid-fire.]

FR. BEN: In all seriousness, Wade’s a pretty nice guy.

FR. BEN: I’m glad that you’re putting yourself out there.

FR. BEN: Is it weird that I just said that?

FR. BEN: …It’s totally weird that I just said that. Please ignore every message before this last one. Just remember, have a great night.  You deserve it.

[MUSIC: There is the tell tale sign of a response text being crafted, but before we find out how Olivia will respond, we cut to Forgive Me! End credits music.]