Episode transcript - “tom & the trial of 1,000 cars”

ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Season 4, Episode 2: Tom & the Trial of 1,000 Cars

[SFX: The episode begins in Ben’s apartment. Klem and Ben are putting together a complex domino sequence to fulfill Klem’s until now undocumented desire to appear on the show Domino Gods, on Box.]

FR. KLEM: Ok do not move.

FR. BEN: I really don’t see why you need me to be a part of this.

FR. KLEM: It’s not going to be the same if they don’t run over a collar, it really seals the bit. Plus it’s only fair since you said (mocking voice) incorporating a crucifix would have been…

FR. BEN: It WOULD have been sacrilegious. Now can we get this over with?

FR. KLEM: Yes… yes.. Ok ready?

FR. BEN: As much as I was the last four takes…

FR. KLEM: Hey there what’s your face from that canceled sitcom… It's about time you have some faith in a couple clergymen to show you what a real domino God looks like, the competition doesn’t have a prayer. Can I get an Amen Fr. Benji?

FR. BEN: Amen…

FR. KLEM: A little more enthusiasm please?

FR. BEN: Amen Father (phone rings) Klahhh!

[SFX: Dominos start falling dramatically loudly.]

FR. KLEM: Oh son of a Christmas witch not again. I told you not to move!

FR. BEN: I’m sorry!

FR. KLEM: Quick! Grab the picker upper.

FR. BEN: Hold on I should see who’s calling (rustles through his pocket) why the heck is Tom Steadman calling me at 1 AM?

FR. KLEM: I don’t know, just pick it up so we can get back to this. At this rate we won’t be done until 4 in the morning.

FR. BEN: Hello?

TOM: (on the phone, clearly inebriated and on a Razor Scooter) Heyyyy Padre, did I wake you?

FR. BEN: No, Tom… I was up helping Klem with some… biblical research?

TOM: Oh his video for Domino Gods? He better give me credit for that crucifix idea, watching Jesus launch from the cross into the tomb and have a boulder roll in front of it? He’ll get on that show for sure!

FR. BEN: I should’ve known… Why are you calling and please tell me you’re not driving?

TOM: I’m not! Not a car anyway, I’m scooting your way on Emily’s Blazer Scooter, hope that’s ok.

FR. BEN: (to himself) Jesus Christ, why are you coming to church in the middle of the night?

TOM: Emily kicked me out… I messed up big.

FR. BEN: I’ll meet you at the church.

TOM: Thanks Father, be there in 10.

FR. BEN: Klem, sorry I gotta…

FR. KLEM: (sighs) Duty calls, just be quick about it. I’ll have this all set back up in an hour and will make a path for you to get in position. Just be careful opening the door.

[SFX/MUSIC: That fades into the sound of Ben opening a door and turning on light. You hear the sounds of a scooter distantly running over tile.]

TOM: (from a distance) Wooooo!

FR. BEN: Tom?! I hope you’re not scooting inside the church!

TOM: What?! (sound of a crash) ooooof. Sorry!

FR. BEN: (starts running) Oh Jesus. (runs for 3 seconds until next to Tom.)

TOM: (moans) I’m such an idiot

FR. BEN: Are you alright?

TOM: Yeah. I mean no… physically I’m fine.

FR. BEN: Well that’s a relief at least. Come on (helps him up) let’s go to my office.

TOM: Can we do the confessional? I think I need to sit in there for this.

FR. BEN: (suddenly more serious, a bit wary) Sure, Tom. Let me grab you a coffee and then we can head in there… but leave the scooter.

TOM: (childishly) Ugh fine.

[SFX: Interlude that jumps to the sound of curtains opening.]

TOM: (Spills coffee on himself as he sits down) Ow! Son of a… (catches himself) aaaour Lord I come to you in shame!

FR. BEN: You alright over there Tom?

TOM: (drops the act immediately) Yeah just spilling coffee and keeping it classy. Classic Tom! (Mostly to himself) The village asshole.

FR. BEN: Tom, what the hell is happening? The last time I was dragged out of bed this late a bunch of Europeans claimed to have started a potato riot.

TOM: What happened with potatoes?

FR. BEN: Don’t try and change the subject! You needed to confess, so… confess.

TOM: (rushing through the routine) In the name of the father Holy Spirit. Forgive me father for I have sinned. It's been like a year since my last confession.

FR. BEN: Time really does fly doesn’t it…

TOM: (interrupting Ben) Emily kicked me out.

FR. BEN: Oh Tom… what happened.

TOM: (somberly) Sold the Thousandth car.

FR. BEN: You actually did it?

TOM: (sarcastically) Glad to hear you believed in me too there, Padre.

FR. BEN: No come on, Tom, not like that. You have the energy and creativity to accomplish basically anything.

TOM: Wow, uh thanks.

FR. BEN: Of course, I just meant your advertising was so dramatic, it’s had the whole town on the edge of their seats wondering if you’d actually get there.

TOM: I did go a little far—

FR. BEN: A little?! Your radio ads… were something else…

[SFX: start of a radio ad, rock music, a baby crying, sound of a cash register]

TOM: (ad read) Hi, I’m local car salesman Tom Steadman and I need to sell YOU a brand new previously owned vehicle. I’m having a little baby (echo little baby) and I need to sell ONE THOUSAND cars by April (echo April). I’ll do ANYTHING to sell one thousand cars so I get a great bonus check to make my baby PROUD (echo proud). Come on down to Big Grant’s Byundai where the deals are always LAAAAAARRRRGEEE.

TOM: (chuckles) Ok, I went a lot far.

FR. BEN: Nothing wrong with a little stunt marketing here and there, but regardless, how is that a problem?

TOM: I don't know father, I got way too into it, Emily was right it was an insane time to take on something like that… even if it was her idea.

FR. BEN: She told you to sell a thousand cars in six months?

TOM: Ok that was my idea but the whole doing better at my job thing? All Ms. Emily Walters Steadman.

FR. BEN: You sound kind of bitter there, Tom. What happened?

TOM: (defensive) I’m not bitter… I don’t know, I’m a little bitter, OK?

FR. BEN: That’s fine, Tom. This is a safe space to feel out your feelings.

TOM: Right, thanks, sorry. I mean it does go back to the little girl we’ve got coming any day now.

FR. BEN: That makes sense.

TOM: Yeah. We’d been trying for a couple months, had a million false alarms and finally one day we had two lines on a test… just like that.

FR. BEN: That had to be pretty surreal, from an idea to a reality…

TOM: (chuckles) Exactly! Don’t get me wrong, we were both thrilled. Crying tears of joy in the bathroom, excitedly planning out the nursery way too early.

FR. BEN: I can imagine you two buzzing about it.

TOM: We did! Waited a couple weeks to tell Em’s folks and my dad. Everyone was over the moon, even Joe… especially Joe.

FR. BEN: (laughs) I can’t say I'm surprised.

TOM: Really? I was shocked.

FR. BEN: It’s been my experience that the toughest parents become the biggest softies in grandparenthood.

TOM: Well you have the Justice pegged. He’s even been halfway nice to me lately.

FR. BEN: I wouldn’t wish your family's challenges on anyone, but Joe really seems to have found some lessons in the experience.

TOM: Lexi really isn’t taking any of his bullshit.

FR. BEN: (chuckles again) That’s been my read of it too. So how did this turn into a problem…

TOM: After the first couple weeks of quiet excitement, doctors appointments and talking with family, reality kinda set in. Planning for telling our jobs, going on leave, thinking about childcare and our finances. Just… all of it!

FR. BEN: Babies are life changers, good for you two trying to think through some of that head on.

TOM: Good for Emily, you mean.

FR. BEN: (matter of factly) I’m guessing you were… less engaged?

TOM: (bitterly self-effacing) Don’t sound too surprised.

FR. BEN: Sorry Tom… I just know from our previous…

TOM: Oh, it’s fine, it’s true! I didn’t care to think about it, wanted to take things as they came. I mean there are so many things to consider, I figured what’s the point in having a plan.

FR. BEN: And Emily wanted to plan.

TOM: Big time. We’re on like seven waiting lists for day cares, have childcare planned for the first 6 months, she made me a slideshow presentation comparing all of the different parent approaches and which philosophy she thought had the most evidence backed validity.

FR. BEN: Sounds like Emily…

TOM: And then there was the budgeting.

FR. BEN: Kids are nothing if not expensive…

TOM: Yup and Emily pinches pennies like a hydraulic press. We were sitting at the kitchen table, I was playing the times word search on my tablet and she was crunching numbers in the CUSTOM SPREADSHEET she uses to budget.

FR. BEN: I take it you think her approach is overkill?

TOM: Before Emily and I got together, my budget consisted of looking at my balance once a week and seeing if I needed to pay an overdraft fee. Almost never did!

FR. BEN: Got it.

TOM: I’ve learned to deal with it, and I get it too! We have savings now which is amazing. But I definitely miss the thrill of the impulse buy.

FR. BEN: (chuckles) I’m sure you do. So what happened?

TOM: LIke I said we were sitting at the table…

[SFX: Tom and Emily in their living room, sounds of Tom playing a phone video game. Some kind of dramatic mobile game sound plays as Tom finds a particularly good word. Game could even say ‘YOU FOUND A BIG WORD’]

TOM: Onomatopoeia! Em… check it out!

EMILY: (Typing away, distracted and clearly a bit annoyed) That’s great, I’m kinda busy with the budget here.

TOM: Right… sorry can I help or something? I don’t really know how to read the spreadsheet, so I’m not sure if I’ll be much…

EMILY: (Annoyed) No Tom, I got it. I got it all.

TOM: What’s that supposed to mean?

[SFX: Pig squeals.]

EMILY: Watch your tone, you know David is upset by defensive male arrogance.

TOM: (sighs) You seem upset.

EMILY: (Frustrated) Tom, I love you . I don’t even know how to approach this with you.

TOM: Approach what?

EMILY: (Getting a bit emotional) That I don’t know how I’m going to do this?

TOM: You mean… we?

EMILY: Yes Tom, actually… no. I mean me. I’m doing all of it and I know I’m gonna end up doing all of it once she’s finally here.

FR. BEN: That couldn’t have been nice to hear

TOM: Yeah it sucked, and I didn’t exactly take it well.

TOM: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

EMILY: I love you Tom, but come on. You know you haven’t been doing shit to plan for this!

TOM: I told you… I’m Not a…

EMILY: (interrupting) Not a planner I know, but I am and so we’ll end up doing what I plan and then you’ll say you don’t know how to do it because I set it up and then I do fucking everything.

TOM: Well then… DO FUCKING EVERYTHING.

EMILY: UGH!

[SFX: A couple beats of silence.]

TOM: So you’re mad at me?

EMILY: Jesus Christ, Tom… I just want to see you do something for us. I do most of the cleaning, ALL of the planning and I make like ninety percent of the money.

TOM: (Trying to be endearing) But I make ninety percent of the jokes?

EMILY: (snorts) You definitely balance things out there… Listen, I’m sorry. It’s just been… a lot.

TOM: I get it.

EMILY: That’s what I just want to say… I don’t think you do. I just gotta ask you to make more of an effort… for us.

TOM: What do you want me to do? Magically sell a thousand cars?

EMILY: (looking at the budget, chuckles) I mean, it’d help a lot.

TOM: (suddenly serious) Ok… I’ll do it.

EMILY: Tom, you haven’t sold more than two cars in a month this whole year.

TOM: (serious self talk) I can do it… I will do it.

EMILY: (worried about him) Tom… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you’re failing me or something.

TOM: (Motivated) You didn’t make me feel that way, I made me feel that way. And I’m gonna fix it. I’m going to sell a thousand cars before this baby is born.

EMILY: (Sighs) Alright… well I’ll be excited to see it. That kind of bonus would definitely help me to take some extended leave.

TOM: Well you might as well start planning for it.

EMILY: (laughs) I’ll get on it.

[MIDROLL AD-BREAK]

FR. BEN: Damn…

TOM: Yeeeah, so… I went for it. Left the house, went to the local print shop and had multiple giant thermometers printed out for “My Trial of A Thousand Cars”. Had the church sound guy Adam help me make those ads.

FR. BEN: He’s a sound designer? I thought he just did live audio.

TOM: Pretty multi-talented, even does some voiceover work. Handsome too.

FR. BEN: Sounds like a real special guy any podcast would be lucky to work with.

TOM: He’s the best… anyway next thing was telling my boss.

FR. BEN: I’ve never been to your dealership. Where is it?

TOM: I’m not surprised, it’s a 45-minute drive from here, in my hometown.

FR. BEN: You had some relationships there from growing up?

TOM: Yeah, you could say that?

FR. BEN: Good boss?

TOM: Yeah… nice guy, pretty fair and smart… also he’s my dad.

FR. BEN: Gotcha…

TOM: Yeah… so I marched right into his office.

[SFX: Sound of an office door opening.]

TOM: Dad, I’m going to sell a thousand cars before the baby comes or I’m quitting

GRANT: Tommy, what the hell are you talking about?

TOM: I’m serious, I’m gonna do it.

GRANT: Buddy… Come on, you don’t even like selling cars.

TOM: So what? We need the money and I’ve been watching you for years. I can do it.

GRANT: No. You can’t. It’s not that easy… and it’d take all of your time to pull that off. I’d know! Why do you think your mom and I aren’t together?

TOM: (Scoffs) Nobody thinks I can do it…

GRANT: It’s not that… and what’s this about firing you?

TOM: I need to have some skin in the game… this has gotta be a risk.

GRANT: You’re my baby boy… you know I’ll never…

TOM: (interrupting) then I’ll quit!

GRANT: (silent for a moment) You’re serious about this… this is that look you had after taking your SAT the first time…

TOM: I’m gonna do it dad…

GRANT: (coming around) Alright… well let's see then…

[SFX: presses buttons on his phone and there is a moment of feedback before he speaks into the loudspeaker.]

GRANT: Ladies and gentlemen, our salesman Tom just informed me he plans to sell a thousand cars before April or he will quit. This man is desperate to sell you a vehicle and you can bet on the best prices in the area. You can find him in his signature dark purple tie. (to Tom) Better get out there.

TOM: Thanks Dad.

GRANT: Don’t thank me yet! You still gotta close the deals.

TOM: (smiling) Can’t wait. It’s on.

[SFX: Some kind of sound cue, making for a heightened adventure-y vibe.]

FR. BEN: So how did that go?

TOM: First couple weeks? Horrible. I’d never tried like this before and was just stiff.

[SFX: Jump cuts as Tom talks to several people.]

TOM: Hello yes I am Tom and I’m trying to sell a thousand cars… can I interest you in a new Byundai?

CUSTOMER 1: Uh, no we’re just looking.

TOM: Not to mention my dad’s announcement put a bit of a target on my back with my coworkers…

FR. BEN: How so?

TOM: They knew I was trying to make a deal and didn’t like me stealing their prospects.

TOM: I totally understand, and I can show you several of our models.

CUSTOMER 1: Uh sure… what do you…

SALESPERSON: I’m sorry about him… he’s the owner's son and we let him play salesperson. I’d recommend coming over here to these new SUVs we just got in.

CUSTOMER 1: (confused) Ok… sounds good.

TOM: Wait I… (to himself) dammit.

FR. BEN: I assume things got better.

TOM: Yeah, funny thing about trying to do something more, you just get better at it. That, and people really liked the ads.

FR. BEN: They were memorable!

CUSTOMER 2: Hi uh, I heard your ad on HUG FM. My wife and I are also having a baby and we need to get something bigger.

TOM: Oh amazing! Congratulations, how’s the planning going?

CUSTOMER 2: Really well! Your ad made us realize this was one thing not on our list.

TOM: (laughs) Well, I’m glad it helped.

SALESPERSON: Sorry about this guy, can I take you over to look at minivans?

CUSTOMER 2: (Interrupting) What? No, I'd like to work with the 1,000 cars guy.

SALESPERSON: (Walking away) What the hell is happening?

TOM: After striking out for two weeks I wound up selling 300 cars in two months.

FR. BEN: Wow! That’s incredible.

TOM: (laughs) Thanks, I was pretty pumped, and so was Emily.

FR. BEN: She would’ve been what, 5 or six months then?

TOM: Yup, five. She was still working and feeling good. This was a huge boost though. It was the first month ever I’d brought home more than her.

EMILY: Tom this is amazing! I’’ll be able to take that extra month off based on this check alone.

TOM: Plenty more where that came from. Not even on track yet.

EMILY: Love, you’re selling like five cars a day. You gotta take care of yourself.

TOM: I’m a man of my word, Em.

EMILY: I know that… and it means a lot you trying to do something for us… I just miss you being here too.

TOM: Plenty of time for that once the baby comes. I’m gonna man up and make sure we have everything we need.

EMILY: (Annoyed but thoughtful, playing with the words) Man up…

TOM: You know what I mean, like pony up, woman up, put up or shut up, just generally I’m UP.

EMILY: (laughs) Ok, ok, just be careful Tom… you sound like my dad.

TOM: I’ll take that as a compliment this time.

EMILY: (Sighs) Alright, try and remember to breathe though, ok?

FR. BEN: So Emily was worried about you?

TOM: Yeah, which I thought was silly at the time. Like… I’m finally doing something.

FR. BEN: I’m guessing you didn’t remember to breathe?

TOM: (Laughs) I doubled down. People loved the commercials, so I made them weirder

[SFX: Lullaby music, baby laughing.]

TOM: Hey son, it’s your father, used car salesman Tom Steadman.

TOM DOING A BABY VOICE: Yes dada, I love your stories.

TOM: Son, have I told you about the time that our town came together and purchased one thousand cars?

BABY TOM: Yes dada, it’s my favorite story!

TOM: Well why don’t you remind me then… Why did the people do this?

BABY TOM: Because of you dada?

TOM: No, son because of you. Well you and a little something else…

BABY TOM: Extremely competitive prices and an APR that knocked their socks off?

TOM: That’s right son… I’m so proud of you.

BABY TOM: I love you dada, almost as much as I love the incredible deals folks will receive down at Big Grant’s Byundai!

TOM: Where the deals are what, son?

BABY TOM: LAAAAAARGE!

TOM: I was producing a new ad a day. I had Adam move into our basement and put him on the payroll.

FR. BEN: I imagine Emily didn’t love that.

[SFX: Flashback to Tom’s kitchen.]

ADAM: Heyyyy sorry to keep coming upstairs… but do you guys have any more grain cereal? I really need to have a crunchy snack to keep focused on these kinds of deadlines, but if it isn’t heart-healthy my doc’s gonna give me a real talking to. Know what I mean?

EMILY: Tom….

TOM: Uh… Adam, look, I’ll… go to the store right now!

EMILY: Tom it’s 10 at night?

TOM: That’s what’s so great about Greggmans!

FR. BEN: You had a sound designer move into your basement while your wife was entering her third trimester?

TOM: (sputters) Oh, well, come on it was only for three weeks.

FR. BEN: I love Adam but Tom… what were you thinking?

TOM: It worked though! I went from 5 to 6 to 7 cars a day! I got on track!

FR. BEN: I’m sure you did, we had some teens from the youth group doing vulture-style recaps of your ads in the church bulletin, guessing where you’d go next with them.

TOM: I wound up having my dad temporarily change our hours so I could close more business.

FR. BEN: Ah. I see.

TOM: Yeah, I was gone pretty much all day every day. The bonuses came in like crazy, I saved enough for childcare, hell I got Emily a brand new previously-owned vehicle of her own.

FR. BEN: I’m guessing she grew less enthusiastic, given how far things had gone.

EMILY: (annoyed) Tom, I really don’t want to walk too far blindfolded with how my feet are feeling.

TOM: Ok ok, open your eyes.

EMILY: What’s that?

TOM: A Byundai Mall of America, the perfect too-large SUV for lugging around kids!

EMILY: Why are you showing me it?

TOM: Because… pretty soon we’re going to be lugging around a kid?

EMILY: Why would we need a fucking boat for one…(inhales) Tom… I love you… but this is all going too far.

TOM: What? The car? I can return it. Usually, there’s a whole deal when it comes off the lot, but I happen to know the owner.

EMILY: That’s good, I mean, yes duh do that, but Tom this thousand cars thing is getting out of hand. I don’t know who you are anymore.

TOM: Isn’t this what you wanted? Me to try at work?

EMILY: I wanted you to feel activated and to help us get through this but it doesn’t mean I want you gone. I need the man I married. I’m so pregnant it sucks to walk and you come in the house every night so exhausted you just fall in bed asleep.

TOM: But this is what we talked about, getting the money to make this easier.

EMILY: I don’t give a shit about money when it means I’m going through this alone!

TOM: Em… I’m sorry. I promise I’ll try to be home more… I’ll do the dishes or whatever you want me to do.

EMILY: Jesus Christ Tom.

TOM: I’m sorry! Seriously I am. (gets gentle) Look, I’m a mess but it means a lot to have this chance to prove something to you… to myself. If I don’t finish this…

EMILY: (wary) Ok… I get it, and seriously I don’t want you to think I’m not impressed with what you’ve done. This little nugget and I just need you, here.

TOM: And I’ll be here.

FR. BEN: Did you try to be more present?

TOM: The next day I came home at five pm and had only sold three cars. There was a line of three more waiting who I told to come back the next day.

FR. BEN: So?

TOM: So the next day I stayed an extra hour and then eventually I was just back to it.

FR. BEN: Working late nights?

TOM: Yeah.

FR. BEN: How’d Emily take that?

TOM: She never said anything, we were more distant than I’d liked, but I was so focused on the work, and she was wrapping up her gig to get ready for leave so I figured we were both just busy. (scoffs) The lies we tell ourselves

FR. BEN: Oh Tom… what happened next?

TOM: Today happened…

FR. BEN: Fill me in.

TOM: I had ten cars left to go and a week before Emily’s due date. I decided to surprise her by finishing early. I put out one last ad saying I would chain myself to our store sign until I sold ten cars.

FR. BEN: Did you?

TOM: (Laughs) it was more of a rope than anything and it was super long so I could go pee and whatever but yeah I did.

FR. BEN: Jesus.

TOM: He’s more famous for getting nailed to stuff than chained…

FR. BEN: TOM!

TOM: Sorry! Sorry. Anyway it was 10pm when I’d sold the final car, I’d fallen asleep against a small hatchback when a certain somebody approached.

[SFX: FLASHBACK to the car lot.]

JOE WALTERS: Hey there, I’m in the market for a new car… Something a bit bigger that could tow some grandkids around… got anything like that?

TOM: (rousing from his sleep) Uh… what? Yes of course, si… oh my god it’s you. I mean, sorry, I… hey Justice Walters.

JOE: (Laughing) Hello Tom. Your dad tells me you’re one car shy of your goal. I’d be *honored* to be the last one.

TOM: I… that’d be amazing, thanks Justice Walters.

JOE: (laughs) Call me Joe, Tom. And it’s nothing, anything to support my new little angel. I have to admit son, I’m impressed.

TOM: Y.. you are?

JOE: It’s no small feat, and I hear from Emily you’re working your tail off. I think I might have underestimated you.

TOM: Uh, thanks?

JOE: You’ve got a drive to do what it takes to support your family, that’s important. Just do me a favor.

TOM: What’s that?

JOE: Don’t let it fuck everything up.

TOM: What?

JOE: I know you well enough to know you value people more than work and I’m *learning* that’s the right way to be. I know Emily, better than she’d care to admit, and all she wants is somebody to be honest and loving. I didn’t see it at first, but you’ve got those traits in spades kid.

TOM: (laughs) Thanks…

JOE: But you can’t give somebody love from the lobby of a used car lot.

TOM: Right.

JOE: So why don’t we get this paperwork all filed so you can get home to my daughter.

TOM: Sounds good… J-man.

JOE: Don’t push your luck.

FR. BEN: Sounds like some sound, self aware advice from your favorite person.

TOM: (Laughs) Yeah it threw me for a loop.

FR. BEN: So how’d this nice moment end with you drunk in my confessional?

TOM: Well… the thing I forgot about car salesman is… they get really intense when you hit quota.

SALESPERSON 1: A thousand fucking cars bro, you’re a fucking legend!

SALESPERSON 2: TOMMY ONE K WE’RE PARTYING TONIGHT DUDE!

TOM: Thanks guys… I…

FR. BEN: They dragged you out?

TOM: Uh…

TOM: Thanks guys… I… am ready to fucking celebrate. Drinks on the dad to be!!!!

SALESPEOPLE: INCOHERENT BRO NOISES

FR. BEN: Damnit Tom.

TOM: I got home at 1. Emily is in the living room, up with acid reflux.

EMILY: Oh fuck you!

TOM: (Drunk) I DID IT!!!

EMILY: Who gives a shit, you reek, what the fuck, Tom?!

TOM: Woah woah woah, calm down…

EMILY: (False Calm) Tom…

TOM: Em… I don’t like that look in your eye…

EMILY: I am, nine months pregnant. My esophagus is like mount vesuvius, my feet are like waterballoons filled with knives, I am being actively kicked and punched from the inside every ten minutes.

TOM: Em…

EMILY: And my dear husband, who created a little sales game to make himself feel like a big boy, has been MISSING FOR TWO ENTIRE DAYS. ONLY TO SHOW UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT STINKING LIKE BAPST RED RIBBON AND… oh god CIGARS?! MY CONSTITUTION IS THIS FUCKING BAD AND YOU COME HOME SMELLING LIKE A WET ELEVEN-SEVEN?!

TOM: Fuck look I’m sorry but…

EMILY: GET OUT.

TOM: Huh?

EMILY: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.

FR. BEN: Well not any less than you deserved. You really fucked up, eh?

TOM: I mean, I was celebrating and it got out of hand… I’ll be…

FR. BEN: Tom, say it.

TOM: What?

FR. BEN: That you fucked up.

TOM: What happened to your whole rule about cursing?

FR. BEN: I have a different set for confessions after two am. Now can you admit it?

TOM: Yeah, I did. (whimpers) This was so… stupid. God I can’t do fucking anything right, I don’t get why Emily is even with me I’m such a MESS. Like holy fuck she wants me to help and then I do it in the dumbest way possible, I’m a clown car of a person and an absolute one-man goof troop. Chain myself to a used car lot?! What is wrong with me? I could have stopped, but I convinced myself I had to finish. I’m such a bullheaded idiot like some kind of try-hard version of a sad piece of spaghetti that fell to the floor when you were pouring the water in the colander. FUCK ME, WHAT AN ASSHOLE!

FR. BEN: You done?

TOM: Yeah… sorry.

FR. BEN: I don’t think self-immolation is the answer here, Tom. You don’t suck. You tried, you went too far, and lost yourself in the process.

TOM: What if this is who I am?

FR. BEN: What do you care about Tom?

TOM: Uh… what?

FR. BEN: What matters most to you?

TOM: I mean, Emily and the new baby. Family I guess…

FR. BEN: That’s great, Tom, and not a surprise knowing you. It’s something you embody all the time.

TOM: Not lately.

FR. BEN: Not lately. So pay attention to that, and pay attention to Emily.

TOM: Yeah I mean I try but I mess it up.

FR. BEN: Pardon the teacherly phrase but you only become an ass when you assume. I know Emily and she is one of the most direct and honest people I’ve met. When she tells you how she feels or what she wants, believe her. And if she changes her mind, believe that too.

TOM: Yeah… I hear that.

FR. BEN: Emily, loves you Tom, and God knows you love her. Come over to Klem’s and my place. I’ve got a shower, a spare toothbrush, and a couch for you to sleep on. You can go see Emily in the morning and apologize.

TOM: You don’t think I should go back and try and patch things?

FR. BEN: At 2AM With your breath? Do your wife a favor and clean up and sober up before she has to see you again.

TOM: Right. Gives me time to grab some flowers and donuts from Lexi’s shop…

FR. BEN: Good stuff Tom, now let's say the act of contrition so we can get some rest.