Episode transcript - “Pre Cana Counseling Episode II: Attack of the Popes”
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Episode 5. Pre Cana Counseling Episode II: Attack of the Popes.
[MUSIC: The Forgive Me! opening credits stinger plays.[
[SFX: There’s a knock at the door. Father Ben stands to open it.]
FR. BEN: Jacob! Lizzie! I’m thrilled to see you back in today.
JACOB: It’s nice to see you too, Father.
LIZZIE: Yes, we really can’t thank you enough for finding time in your schedule for us at the last minute like this.
FR. BEN: Nonsense! I’ll always have time for two of my favorite parishioners.
JACOB: You’re far too kind, Ben.
LIZZIE: You’d better watch out. You never know if Margaret’s right around the corner, listening.
FR. BEN: (laughing) And let her listen! I’ve got no problem professing my love for the youth of this congregation. You are St. Patrick’s future, after all. I’ve presided over more than one mostly empty Sunday Mass before I took on my posting here.So, it’s refreshing to have some deeply engaged young people to worship alongside.
JACOB: It helps that we’ve got a passionate young man leading us. Your services are the first I’ve attended in my life that didn’t immediately put me to sleep!
LIZZIE: (laughing) Jacob! That’s terrible.
JACOB: What!? It’s true! I can’t compliment the guy?
FR. BEN: (proud) Of course you can, Jacob. I won’t tell the big guy on ya. (beat) What am I doing? Please! Come in, come in. Get comfortable!
[SFX: Father Ben steps out of the way as Jacob and Lizzie cross the room, pulling out chairs and sitting down.]
FR. BEN: Can I get either of you a cup of coffee? Tea?
LIZZIE: Have you got any Guinness?
JACOB: It’s 10 am, dear.
LIZZIE: Oh, relax! He knows I’m just kidding. We’re fine, Father.
FR. BEN: Well, please don’t hesitate to let me know if you change your mind.
JACOB: Will do.
[SFX: An awkward silence descends. There’s the loud sound of a ticking clock.]
FR. BEN: So! Why don’t we get started? Pre-Cana Counseling Episode Two.
JACOB: Attack of the Popes!
FR. BEN: Hah! I never thought I’d take you for another Prequels man.
JACOB: I think Lucas gets way more flack than he deserves for those movies. Maybe it’s because I grew up with them, but they’ll always hold a special place in my heart.
FR. BEN: I’m in the same boat, my friend.
LIZZIE: (affectionate) You nerds.
FR. BEN: (chuckling, apprehensive) I hate to say it, but I was nervous that our last conversation may have soured things between you two. I’m so relieved to have you back.
LIZZIE: Oh heavens, no! Father, please, don’t ever blame yourself for any of our previous hang-ups.
JACOB: We own our relationship, nobody else. We just realized, after speaking to you, that we needed to take some extra time to make sure we were on the same page.
FR. BEN: I’m just glad to know that it’s been healing for you. I also hope that your Mentor Couple has been of guidance? Remind me again who you were working with…
[SFX: Ben rustles through a stack of papers on his desk.]
LIZZIE: Tom and Emily Steadman. They’ve had us over for dinner a few times.
FR. BEN: Ah, yes! A lovely couple, those two.
LIZZIE: Did you know Emily used to date my brother, Riley, when we were kids?
FR. BEN: I did not! Gosh, how long ago was that?
LIZZIE: (laughing) A lifetime. I was only 12 at the time, but I always kinda wished they’d ended up together…
JACOB: That Tom’s a great guy though.
LIZZIE: He is! We like him a lot. It’s been really nice to reconnect.
FR. BEN: I’m so happy to hear that! Plus that must mean you’ve gotten to spend time with David?
LIZZIE: Oh, don’t get him started on the pig.
JACOB: I love him so much! Did you know that he knows tricks? It’s incredible. They’re smarter than dogs!
LIZZIE: You better watch yourself or I’m gonna tell Herman how you really feel about him.
FR. BEN: (chuckling) I’ve seen David’s work. It’s very impressive. But tell me, have Tom and Emily helped nip any of those very understandable pre-wedding jitters in the bud?
JACOB: At first, but maybe a bit less when that mother of hers was around.
FR. BEN: (knowing) Darla. Such a strong, willful woman. She’s gone through a lot in the last two years.
LIZZIE: Hah, yeah, she certainly has.
FR. BEN: But you shouldn’t compare any of your current relationship ails with those of a recent divorceée. She and Joe had a, shall we say, contentious uncoupling. So I’m not terribly surprised that she may have some unkind words about the institution of marriage.
JACOB: She kept going on and on about Joe’s skid-marked underwear.
LIZZIE: It was a lot.
FR. BEN: But Tom and Emily…
LIZZIE: So nice! Truly wonderful people that were more than happy to answer any of our questions.
JACOB: Yeah, it was really helpful to talk to somebody so frankly about how difficult this can all be.
FR. BEN: (concerned) Everything’s not all clear on the western front?
LIZZIE: Don’t worry, Father. Nothing terrible has happened by any means—
JACOB: (interrupting) But being the outsider in a well-established family is a challenging transition for anybody to make. Especially when that family is made up of people as… strong-willed? as Lizzie’s are.
LIZZIE: Oh, stop, they’re not that bad.
FR. BEN: Jacob, feel free to elaborate as much or as little as you’d like.
JACOB: (sighing) I really love and appreciate them. I do. They’ve done everything you can think of to help us prepare for our wedding and what comes after. But they’re a stubborn bunch, and they have no problem telling you that. I don’t mean that in a negative way, necessarily, but it can be a lot at times. It’s hard to have an opinion of my own about the size of our guest list or the contents of our menu when they so… kindly remind me how often they’re paying for the entire thing.
LIZZIE: (under her breath) I mean, they are paying for the whole thing though.
JACOB: And the nicknames! God, the nicknames are relentless, and not always kind if I’m being entirely honest with you.
LIZZIE: Honey, that’s just how we show each other our love in my family. You’re gonna have to get a thicker skin if you expect to fit in with this bunch.
FR. BEN: Nicknames?
JACOB: Oh sure, they change from day to day, but the current favorite is Loaf.
LIZZIE: (snickering) Oh, c’mon. You love that one.
JACOB: I play along, sure, but it’s kinda mean-spirited, don’t you think? And would it kill you to stand up to her for me, at least once in a while?
LIZZIE: (under her breath) It’s not Janelle’s fault that you’re so damn sensitive all the time.
FR. BEN: Lizzie, I know this is nuanced, but Jacob is trying to communicate some of his current hardships here. Could we try and give him a minute to express them without an immediate retort?
LIZZIE: (raising her hands in surrender) Fine, fine. The floor is all yours, sweetie.
FR. BEN: So tell me more about Loaf. Where does it come from? And why do you think it bothers you?
JACOB: (frustrated) As I’m sure is painfully obvious to you, I’m not from around here.
FR. BEN: I’d gathered that, yes.
JACOB: And because the wedding was postponed, finding permanent employment has been rather tricky. I’ve got a good stable of freelance writing work, maybe not as much as I’d like, but enough to help us keep the lights on…
LIZZIE: My parents own the house, dear. We don’t pay the utility bill.
JACOB: It’s just an expression, but that’s part of the problem, yes. We live in a duplex, a modest place, a good starter home, as her mother likes to call it. Which, don’t get me wrong, has been a wonderful boon in our ability to save up for our first real place. But her sister and brother-in-law live in the other unit next to ours. Janelle and Ricky. Now, Ricky? He’s a real salt-of-the-earth guy. Works construction for the town. Keeps mostly to himself. Can fix anything you’ve got broken, would give you the shirt off his back, but would rather sit quietly in a corner for a cat nap than have a conversation most of the time. So we get along great. But Janelle? She’s…
LIZZIE: Be careful with whatever it is that you’re about to say next.
JACOB: Would it be wrong of me to call your sister nosy?
LIZZIE: … I’ll allow it.
JACOB: And you combine that nosiness with the fact that we share a front porch, and she and I? We spend a lot of time together while Lizzie’s off with her parents running the Madison County Cheese Emporium. More specifically, she spends a lot of time coming into our apartment and commenting on the fact that I’m home all the time, on the couch in our living room, tied to my computer, rather than out supporting her sister like her Ricky does. So she’s taken to calling me Loaf whenever we’re together, and it’s starting to catch on with the rest of the family.
FR. BEN: I see…
LIZZIE: But you know that I don’t feel that way, so why does Janelle’s opinion bother you so much? I love that you’re there when I get back after a long day slinging cheddar with a home-cooked meal waiting for me.
JACOB: Well, first of all, because it’s emasculating, and second, because you’ve joined in with them.
LIZZIE: (putting on a cute voice) That’s because you are my little loaf.
[SFX: Lizzie begins to pinch at Jacob, who stirs uncomfortably.]
LIZZIE: Just look at these little love handles! I could eat you up.
FR. BEN: Have you communicated with the family that you don’t like this nickname, Jacob?
JACOB: Constantly! Which has only made it worse. Now that the rest of them are involved, they change up the kind of bread depending on my mood.
LIZZIE: My favorite is when little Ricky Junior calls you Uncle Pumpernickle.
JACOB: (defeated) I do have to admit… that is kind of cute.
LIZZIE: Baby, I’m honestly really sorry. I had no idea the Loaf thing was driving you this crazy. I know my family can be… a lot to handle, especially when they’re all ganging up on you like that, but you also have to know that they have us covered. Unequivocally, no matter how annoying they can be.
JACOB: I do, I really do. I just… it’d be nice to be able to get to be on the other side of that razzing once in a while, you know? It’s kinda hard when it feels like every single family dinner is a simultaneous dogpile and minefield just waiting to happen.
[MID ROLL AD BREAK]
FR. BEN: Lizzie, now that the two of you are getting serious about moving forward with your wedding, do you think you can consider standing up for Jacob every once in a while? Or, at least, giving him some ammunition against Janelle so that he’s a little less naked on the battlefield when he wants to join in on the fun?
LIZZIE: (laughing) Father, that’s such a scandalous suggestion coming from you! I thought you’d be all about turning the other cheek.
FR. BEN: Look, I may not be married to anybody but the Lord, but I’ve got a younger brother. And heaven knows we know how to get on each other’s nerves better than anybody else in the world. Especially now that we’re this far into adulthood. Nobody can make you feel like you’re ten years old again better than your sibling, you know what I mean?
LIZZIE: Call her Turtle.
FR. BEN: That sounds like there’s probably some history to it. Sound good to you, Jacob? Maybe you can try a little harder to fit into the family by giving Turtle a bit of her own medicine?
JACOB: (guarded) Calling her Turtle isn’t tied to some deep-seated childhood trauma that’ll come back to bite me in the ass once I bring it up, is it?
LIZZIE: (mischievous) No, nothing like that.
JACOB: … It’s a start.
FR. BEN: (chuckling) I see you know your way around a bit of shared family trauma, then, Jacob?
LIZZIE: Oh no, don’t get him started on that now.
FR. BEN: (suddenly serious) Have I struck a nerve?
LIZZIE: It’s just, and I hate to be so blunt here, but Jakey’s family did a real number on him back in the motherland. That’s why he’s got such a bug up his butt about being around mine so much.
FR. BEN: Was it an abusive situation?
JACOB: Nothing like that, Father. Seriously, don’t worry about it. I don’t know why she even brought it up…
LIZZIE: Oh, no, never anything like that. Jacob’s family? They don’t talk about anything. We visited once last Christmas. And their home? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a lovely place, sure, if a bit modest. But it was cold there, and I’m not just talking about the temperature if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.
FR. BEN: I’m sorry, but I’m not.
LIZZIE: I felt more like I was in a museum than in their home, where not a single tchotchke or book could be moved an inch, for fear of disturbing its historical flow. Not even to dust the place. And even though they were surrounded by such lush, gorgeous, expensive stuff, getting even the barest hint of a story about any of it from them was like pulling teeth. I swear, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that his parents were monosyllabic.
JACOB: Okay, now you’re just being cruel.
LIZZIE: I’m being cruel? Was it my father who had a stroke last year and never told us about it? Or was it yours?
[SFX: There is a pained beat of silence. The clock is still ticking in the background.]
LIZZIE: I’m sorry, sweetie. That was uncalled for, and I know it. But my family would do anything for us, and while I know they can be a bit too loud or a bit too drunk sometimes, at least they don’t hide anything from me.
JACOB: Yes, but maybe I would be better off not knowing how much Janelle hates me.
LIZZIE: Oh, grow up.
FR. BEN: It sounds to me like what a lot of this boils down to is communication. The ways in which the two of you are communicating with each other but also your loved ones about how you would like to be treated—
LIZZIE: (ignoring him) Do you want me to say it? Will it really make you feel better if I just say that, yes, my family’s kind of fucked up? That we like our liquor poured just a bit too heavily or that we crack a beer open just a bit too early in the morning? That the verbal abuse is constant and that the only way to survive is to just buck up and hurl it right back alongside them?
FR. BEN: Now, hang on for a minute, I think we’re getting a little far away from a productive, conducive space—
JACOB: I mean, frankly, yes. I would.
LIZZIE: Because of course, they are. But have you got any better ideas? I’m so glad that you are you, honey. That you are as creative as you are and that you have the kind of lofty goals for your future that you do, but until you stop writing copy for shady dick pill websites and actually get that staff writing position that you’re always raving about, we’re stuck with them. And at least they actually fucking talk to one another. If I have to go back to Edinburgh and spend another full week in silence, I’ll probably scream.
JACOB: Alright, you’re out of line. That shit with my dad? It truly sucked. Obviously, you know how much it messed with my head when I finally realized what was going on. But even though I don’t agree with the decision that my mother made when it happened, I understand why she did. But don’t act like they were anything but perfectly pleasant with you when we visited. And yes, I’d love to get that staff writing job I’m always raving about. But it’s kinda fucking hard to do when we live in the middle of nowhere and I don’t have any working papers. That’s why we’re doing this whole thing in the first place!
FR. BEN: Wait—
LIZZIE: You think I don’t know that? Yes, I am painfully aware that you’d rather live anywhere but here, but this is the job I’ve got. And honestly? The job I love. You may sneer at my family’s “little cheese business,” but that store put three kids through private school and keeps the fridge stocked. And someday that little store is gonna be mine, and you’re gonna be able to stay at home and do whatever the hell it is you want. So maybe we’re not living in a big city like you may have dreamed we’d be when I told you that I was from New York, but you’re out of Scotland, which you and I both know is what you were looking for when you asked me to marry you.
FR. BEN: (raising his voice) Elizabeth. Jacob. Can we please take a step back for a moment? Give each other a minute to breathe and let ourselves remember why we’re even here for a second?
JACOB: (defensive) I can if she can.
FR. BEN: Lizzie?
LIZZIE: I’m completely fine. I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is all normal to me.
FR. BEN: Yes, and if I’m hearing you both correctly, I think that might be a bit of your fiancé’s point.
JACOB: It is. It’s all a bit much.
LIZZIE: (grumbling) Better than frigid silence…
FR. BEN: (interrupting) Bup, bup, bup—I want to bring us back to absolute basics here. How old are each of you?
JACOB: 25 next month.
LIZZIE: I just turned 24.
FR. BEN: Happy birthday.
LIZZIE: Thank you.
FR. BEN: And how old were each of your parents when they got married?
JACOB: Not until they turned 40, actually. Mum was a widow already when she met dad. They always called me their miracle baby.
LIZZIE: My parents were kinda the opposite situation. Dad knocked mom up when they were 17 and they’ve both just kept on going from there. They got engaged as soon as they turned 18. But by the time they could actually afford the service, Janelle was ten years old, walking me down the aisle in my bassinet so we could be the “flower girls.”
FR. BEN: (uncertain) That’s adorable.
JACOB: Why do you ask?
FR. BEN: I was hoping maybe they’d both been a bit closer to the same age, but the question I have for you still stands.
LIZZIE: And that is?
FR. BEN: (stalling) How long have you two been together?
JACOB: Four years now.
FR. BEN: And you’re positive that this is the next logical step, for the two of you, at this exact moment in time? Marriage is a lifelong sacrament that should not be taken lightly, by any means. Especially at your age. There comes a certain point in all of our lives where we’re… maybe making decisions that we don’t fully understand the implications of yet. Decisions that can be… difficult to undo in an institution like this one.
LIZZIE: (suddenly serious) I hope you’re not trying to say you’re going to back out on this ceremony on us. As you know, my family does a lot for the St. Patrick’s community. I would hate for my father to have to rethink his generosity going forward…
FR. BEN: Now, now. I don’t think that that’s necessary at all. I’m not trying to tell the two of you that I won’t perform your wedding. Hand to God, if you both say that unequivocally yes you’re ready to marry each other tomorrow, then I’ll do it. Because I love the two of you, and I love the love that, despite your issues, I can tell you have for each other—
LIZZIE: We certainly are.
FR. BEN: BUT! I’ve been listening to everything the two of you are saying tonight, both to me and to each other, and I have to admit… it sounds like the reasons you have for taking this step right now come more from legal red tape than they do for a desire to build a lasting commitment ro one another.
JACOB: You’re telling me that it can’t be both?
FR. BEN: No, of course not, that isn’t what I’m saying—
LIZZIE: Good, because it certainly does sound like that’s what you were saying.
JACOB: We’re young. We know that we’re young. We’re maybe younger than some people think we should be, yourself included. But the love we have for each other? It’s as real as can be. This woman, she knows me inside and out. And while, yes, I think she could maybe do a bit better of a job protecting me from her family once in a while that doesn’t at all give me any pause when it comes to the choice we’ve made to create a life together.
LIZZIE: (tearing up) Aw, babe.
JACOB: And for you to suggest that we’re just some dumb kids that are trying to sign a paper so that I can get a green card and nothing more? I’ve gotta be honest, I expected that from Immigration, but I definitely didn’t expect it from you.
FR. BEN: (saying the quiet part out loud) But are you positive that you aren’t?
LIZZIE: Father!
FR. BEN: Forgive me, that was more pointed than I meant it to be. All I’m saying is that when your parents were kids? When they were first together and getting pregnant and staring down the barrel of an uncertain future? That’s all that the people in this community would have ever told them they were capable of: getting married and settling down in their hometown to have a few kids. And, give or take the occasional drunken spat, it sounds like they did alright with that advice. But for the two of you? There’s a whole lot more that life might be able to offer if you really took the extra few years to interrogate what it is exactly that you’re looking for from it.
LIZZIE: (defeated) It seems to me like you’re suggesting our ceremony’s going to have to be at St. Anthony’s after all.
FR. BEN: Elizabeth. Please, that isn’t what I mean.
LIZZIE: I’ll be the first Donaldson not to get married in these four walls…
[SFX: Lizzie chokes up. Jacob shifts in his chair so that he can rub her back, comforting her.
JACOB: That’s brilliant. Now look what you’ve done, Father.
FR. BEN: I don’t mean to tell you, flat out, that I think you shouldn’t get married. That I think the two of you are in any way wrong for each other. But what I do think is that you’re young. And your priorities may not quite be 100% in sync. And that you may be able to benefit from giving yourselves a few years to figure those things out…
LIZZIE: He doesn’t have a few years, Father. It’s now or never.
FR. BEN: What do you mean?
JACOB: I’ve overstayed my Visa as it is.
FR. BEN: Oh.
LIZZIE: And I know what you’re thinking—who on earth’s gonna notice the straight cis white guy who’s trying to pull one over on Uncle Sam?
FR. BEN: Now, I never—
JACOB: You didn’t have to say it, Father. It was all in your eyes. But the letters have already started showing up in the post. Get myself an employer who’ll sponsor my Visa, get hitched, or get on the next plane home.
FR. BEN: And you’ve explored the employment option?
LIZZIE: Really?
FR. BEN: (deep sigh) When were you hoping to get on the schedule?
JACOB: Sooner than later.
FR. BEN: … I’ll see what I can do.
LIZZIE: (suddenly chipper) We’ll, of course, have a proper ceremony in the summertime with both of our families present. But, even with the legality of it all, I’d rather be somewhere that I feel safe than in the town courthouse. That just feels too…
JACOB: Too sterile.
LIZZIE: Exactly.
FR. BEN: I can understand not wanting to get married in the same place one goes to pay a parking ticket.
JACOB: So, what do you say, Padre?
LIZZIE: Did we pass the test this time?
FR. BEN: (sarcastic) With flying colors.
LIZZIE: Oh, my mother will be so happy to hear that.
FR. BEN: I’m sure she will.
[SFX: Lizzie and Jacob stand to leave, but stop briefly at the door.]
JACOB: You’ll call us as soon as you’re ready for us?
FR. BEN: You two just make sure you have your marriage license in order and I’ll take care of the rest.
LIZZIE: Thank you so much, Ben. It means the world to us.
JACOB: You’re really getting me out of a jam here.
FR. BEN: (defeated) That’s what I’m here for after all.
[MUSIC: The end credits music begins to play.]
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written and directed by Bob Raymonda and Jack Marone.
Here’s our cast in order of appearance:
Casey Callaghan Father Ben
David Pellow Jacob
Julia Schifini Lizzie
Script editing by Jordan Stillman.
Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda.
Sound design, score, and mixing by Adam Raymonda.
All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.
Season three of Forgive Me! Would not be the same without our Executive Producer Curtis Dibrell Jr.
Find out what we’re up to by following @forgivemeshow on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
This season we’ve got a 13-episode Patreon-exclusive series called Confessions with Klem! Our Patrons will glance into the secrets of the St. Patrick’s community with everyone’s favorite witty nihilistic Priest.
In next week’s episode, we hear Alex come in looking to chat with his brother Ben, but ends up finding Klem:
ALEX: Surprise Bender! I owe you 5 bucks, I was sure I’d catch fire when I walked through the doors to this place.
KLEM: (Unphased but humored) You can slide the money right through the curtain. Also why did you call me Bender?
ALEX: OH SHIT! You must be the old German guy, Klem!
KLEM: (flatly) What gave it away?
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