Episode transcript - “HAVE A GREAT VIGIL”
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Would not be possible without our generous parishioners.
We would like to thank Blythe Varney for running a Catholic Crafting workshop for our community! Everyone enjoyed creating puzzle boxes depicting different saints. One bit of feedback for you though, apparently many left with “stab wounds” after you were walking around with your bag filled with knitting needles. One attendee claimed you were wielding it like a flail. Other than that, it was great!!!
Become a part of our community over at patreon.com/roguedialogue
[SFX: Olivia turning over in bed. Cars can be heard driving by every few seconds outside her closed window.]
[SFX: Olivia’s clock goes off: the harsh sound of a buzzing alarm. We hear the click of a manual alarm clock. She yawns.]
[SFX: Olivia pulls back the blankets and her feet touch the floor. We hear footsteps on creaky hardwood as she walks from the bedroom to the kitchen. We hear her pick up a carafe from her coffee maker and the sound of a sink as she pours water into the carafe and then into the coffee maker. The click of the maker turning on and the sound of brewing as she leaves the kitchen.]
[SFX: Creaks again on hardwood as Olivia walks from the kitchen to the bathroom. We hear the swipe and click of a phone as she turns on a song to listen to as we hear the squeak of her turning knobs and the old shower turn on.]
[MUSIC: “It’s Okay” by Cherophbiac begins to play out of tinny cellphone speakers.]
[SFX: After a few seconds in the shower the music cuts off as the phone rings.]
OLIVIA: Shit!
[SFX: OIivia scrambles to get to the phone, something falls off a shelf, the shower squawks off, and the sliding door opens up.]
OLIVIA: (somewhat frantic) Hello?
DAME JUDY DENCH: (through the phone) SQUAWK Olivia!
OLIVIA: (relieved and also annoyed, like this happens all the time) Oh hi, Judy.
DAME JUDY DENCH: SQUAWK Dame Judy.
OLIVIA: Yes, I apologize, Dame Judy Dench.
DAME JUDY DENCH: SQUAWK Come here! You have been summoned!
OLIVIA: (yelling) SUSAN! I’ve told you a million times I will not be summoned by your parrot. If you need me for something you can send me a text.
[SFX: Loud footsteps heard approaching the phone.]
DAME JUDY DENCH: SQUAWK Come here! You have been…
SUSAN: (wrestling the phone from DJD) Give me that phone! Ahh, there we are. Good morning, Olivia. How can I help you?
OLIVIA: You called me, Susan.
SUSAN: Oh. Well, that must have been the Dame here. So sorry about that!
OLIVIA: (not amused) Susan, we both know Judy can’t use a cell phone.
DAME JUDY DENCH: (from a distance) SQUAWK DAME JUDY!
OLIVIA: Dame Judy, can’t use a cell phone.
SUSAN: Well I don’t really know any other explanation…
OLIVIA: What’s up?
SUSAN: Well nothing at all… you know… since I have you…
OLIVIA: I’m listening.
SUSAN: I could use your help downstairs with a new case.
OLIVIA: I told you I really don’t want to work weekends.
SUSAN: (sing-songy) It’s a fun one. (wistful) A real whodunit.
OLIVIA: I’m listening…
SUSAN: We’re tracking an arsonist.
OLIVIA: (resigned) Ok fine. I’m in. What burned down?
SUSAN: You know that Catholic church we get all the gossip from, St. Patrick’s?
[SFX: Olivia drops her phone and it clatters to the bathroom floor.]
SUSAN: (distantly from the floor) Hello? Olivia, are you alright? Did you, did you fall… I had a fall once and I was on the floor for 6 days, was mouthfed by Dame…
OLIVIA: I’m here, sorry just dropped the phone. The church burned down? Was everyone alright?
SUSAN: Oh, the church is fine and I assume no casualties or I don’t think we would be getting so involved.
OLIVIA: Well that’s… a relief. I don’t think I could stomach something like that.
SUSAN: Yep, yep, definitely not our business. There’s an Armada of Amerigo lounge next door to the church… burnt to a crisp... Bowling alley and all. Come down here and I’ll give you the details.
ADAM: Forgive Me! Season 3, Episode 2: “Have a Great Vigil!”
[SFX: We hear the clatter of keys as Olivia locks her door behind her. She walks down a flight of wooden stairs and opens a door to the outside. It’s windy in Central New York, and cars drive by.]
[SFX: A bell dings as she opens and closes the door to Susan’s office.]
DJD: SQUAWK Welcome to the office of Susan J. Tubbles, Private Eye.
OLIVIA: Hi Dame Judy. I brought you a grape.
DJD: Mmmm, thank you. (cooing, sound of bird nibbling)
[MUSIC: Susan listens to busy jazz music quietly in the background.]
OLIVIA: Susan?! Are you in the back?
SUSAN: Yup, come here!
[SFX: Olivia walks to the back of the room and Susan is up on a ladder, fidgeting with a painting on the wall.]
SUSAN: Can you tell me if this is straight?
OLIVIA: (sighs) Sure. Tilt a little to the right.
SUSAN: How’s that?
OLIVIA: Perfect.
SUSAN: What do you think of it? I think it’ll be pretty motivating for us.
OLIVIA: “Seize the day. Be your beast in every moment.” Is that supposed to say best?
[SFX: Susan gets off the ladder and crosses the room.']
SUSAN: Well I—I think so, but it was 70% off if you can believe it. To think I could find a six-foot-wall-sized piece of art for 20 dollars.
OLIVIA: Just an amazing find, Susan. Can we talk about this case now?
SUSAN: Ah yes, the arson at the A of A Lounge. Apparently, it was a big grease fire. They’re lucky the fire department got there when they did. Could’ve easily burned the whole church down.
OLIVIA: That’s crazy. Why do they think it was arson?
SUSAN: Well, I’m not sure if they do. Especially the police. This happened during the donut festival: lots of cooking oil on the premises at the time. Screams freak accident.
OLIVIA: Why are we even involved then?
SUSAN: (interrupting) This is exactly why we are involved. Somebody with big pockets wants us to dig further. Go past the obvious and find justice where the law fails!
[SFX: Susan continues to pace the room as she tells the story, always in motion.]
OLIVIA: So you think there was arson?
SUSAN: Oh probably not. I mean you never know but the guy who requested our services, Roger, runs the only conversion van dealership for 500 miles. Could bankroll us for weeks!
OLIVIA: (flatly) So you plan to fleece him?
SUSAN: Well, I resent the implication! I plan to render services requested. We’ll really give it a look and see what we can find. Plus it gets us out of the damn office. I didn’t get into this business to watch you look stuff up on databases all day, you know.
OLIVIA: I could use a change of scenery…
SUSAN: (happy to hear the agreement) Magnificent. I’ve been hoping something like this would come to us soon. You’ll need more hands-on experience if you’re ever going to step out of my shadow and become a bonafide PI yourself.
OLIVIA: (amused, dismissive) I appreciate you looking out for me there Susan, but I’ve told you before I’m just doing this while I get back on my feet.
SUSAN: You’ve been getting “back on your feet” for a year and a half now. I know you young lady… You’re like me.
[MUSIC: The jazz song in the background works toward a massive drummed crescendo.]
OLIVIA: (humoring her) How so?
SUSAN: A skeptic: somebody who looks past what’s on the surface. You may have come here believing you’d find an easy gig that uses your legal talents but ho ho you didn’t expect to find him here… waiting for you…
OLIVIA: (uncomfortable) Who are you talking about?
SUSAN: (smugly) Señor Mystery. The sexiest, most interesting partner of them all. Oh yes, he’s seduced you… I can tell.
OLIVIA: (clearly over it) Okay… So, what’s the deal with this case?
[MUSIC: The drum solo calms down as energetic keyboards and horns take over much of the song.]
SUSAN: Fine. Have it your way. We’ll be going to the site later today to attend the candlelight vigil Roger is putting on.
OLIVIA: They’re holding a candlelight vigil? For their bowling alley?
SUSAN: First rule of private investigation, no judgment until the check’s cleared.
OLIVIA: Yeah, yeah. I get it.
SUSAN: We’ll meet with Roger after and get some details from him. Apparently he has a lot of opinions on how we should approach this.
OLIVIA: How wonderful.
SUSAN: It’ll be fun. Nothing like ignoring a client who thinks they can do our job for us. Anyway! I have to give Dame Judy Dench her butt medicine. See you at the car at say… quarter to five?
OLIVIA: I’ll be outside with the engine running.
[SFX: Susan takes a few more steps toward Olivia as she walks away.]
SUSAN: Great! Oh! It would probably behoove you to change into something black… Show some respect for the occasion.
[MUSIC: For the first and only time this scene, the jazz music comes to the forefront. There is a loud, big band finish before:]
[SFX: Susan and Olivia rush toward the outside of the A of A Lounge wreckage.]
SUSAN: Hurry up! It’d be disrespectful if we were late.
OLIVIA: You’re the one who took twenty minutes longer than we agreed on.
SUSAN: You know how the Dame gets after her medicine! We needed to watch at least an episode of her shows to calm her nerves or I would’ve come back to guano everywhere.
OLIVIA: I’m just saying no need to tell me to hurry up. (to Brett) Hi there. Good evening.
SUSAN: So sorry for your loss dear.
BRETT: Thank you so much. It’s been hard, but we’re blessed that the community is rallying behind us. Please take a candle. We’re about to begin.
SUSAN: Greatly appreciated. Stay strong now.
[SFX: Susan grabs a candle and begins to walk away.]
BRETT: Before you go, could I have you sign our guestbook? We want to properly thank everyone in attendance and, of course, send emails with ways you can help support our rebuilding.
OLIVIA: Thanks but…
SUSAN: Of course! I’ll just put us down right here.
[SFX: Susan signs the clipboard.]
BRETT: (reading from the page) Susan Tubbles… now where did I… (realizing and a bit scornful) Oh, you’re the PI the Supreme Admiral hired?
OLIVIA: Something wrong with that?
BRETT: No, no! I’m sorry I didn’t mean any offense. I just… Well, we need significant funds to rebuild and I’m worried Roger’s grief is a bit… misguided. I know he’s passionate and can get ahead of himself, but just promise me you won’t take advantage of him?
SUSAN: Oh, we wouldn’t dream of it. Our goal is merely to validate the work of the local authorities, and if we find something else? Well, we can cross that bridge when we come to it.
BRETT: Glad to hear it. Sorry, look at me rambling on. Like I said, they should begin any second. Have a great vigil!
SUSAN: Oh, you too dear.
[SFX: Walking away as they move into a small crowd.]
OLIVIA: Have a great vigil?
SUSAN: (whispering) He’s a man who spends his free time bowling and pretending to be a sea admiral for God. You can’t expect him to be as smooth as the two of us.
OLIVIA: Right.
[SFX: Feedback of a microphone.]
FR. BEN: (over an amp, heard from a distance) Check… Check one, two. Check. Okay, great. Hello everyone. Thank you so much for coming. It’s great to see so many familiar… faces in the crowd tonight here to support one of our most… passionate… church groups. The Armada of Amerigo. I’ll be handing the microphone off to Roger in a moment to say a few words, but I did quickly want to address that while there are candles and we really appreciate all of you gathering here there was some confusion raised by the marketing for this event. This is a gathering and fundraiser, but St. Pat’s does not technically recognize this as a vigil since nobody is sick or has died.
[SFX: Olivia and Susan whisper to each other over Ben’s speech as his audio cuts in and out of focus.]
OLIVIA: Fucking hell he saw me.
SUSAN: Who? The priest? What’s wrong with that?
OLIVIA: What? Nothing. He’s just annoying. Has always been so nosy when I’ve come around here.
SUSAN: Nothing more annoying than a PI fanboy. It’s gotten out of hand these last few years with all the true crime podcasts.
FR. BEN: Thank you.
[SFX: Ben walks offstage as Roger Alito replaces him.]
ROGER: Thank you, Father, and thanks to all of you for coming tonight. As the Supreme Admiral, I would like to say a few words about this Church and the future of our organization here. As I thought about what to say here tonight I found myself inspired by a similar tide-changing moment in history led by another REPUBLICAN—
[SFX: Olivia and Susan continue to whisper amongst themselves under Roger’s speech, which cuts in and out over them. Roger’s voice has a slight delay out of the PA.]
OLIVIA: He isn’t going to say…
ROGER: President Abraham Lincoln.
OLIVIA: And there it is…
ROGER: Six score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth to this Central New York town, a new Church, conceived in Catholic values…
Olivia: Is he doing a Central New York Catholic Gettysburg address?
ROGER: …and then one and a half score later their sons brought forth a new Armada, dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal and should have a great place to gather, as seamen, to support charity, do good works, plus watch sports and bowl.
SUSAN: I’m afraid so.
ROGER: Now we are engaged in a great, yes, holy war, testing whether this church, or any church so conceived, so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war.
OLIVIA: Pretty strong language from a van salesman.
ROGER: We have come to dedicate a portion of this wreckage as a final resting place for the lounge and bowling alley lost that a new and greater lounge and bowling alley may rise. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
BRETT: (shouting distantly from behind) Here, here!!!!
ROGER: But! In a larger sense, we can not dedicate—we can not consecrate—we can not hallow—this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who lounged here for generations have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract.
OLIVIA: God, he’s really committing to the bit.
ROGER: The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but we can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living Armada, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who lounged and bowled here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored seamen we take increased devotion to that cause for which they lived for—that we here highly resolve that these great masculine traditions live on—that this church, under God, shall have a new birth of lounging—and that this community of seamen, by seamen, and for seamen, shall BOWL! ONCE! MORE! (adding quickly) And help donate to local charities.
[SFX: The sound of mild applause.]
BRETT: (shouting) Long live the Armada!!!
ROGER: Thank you. Now please welcome to the stage Clara Martin who will perform a song for us on bells.
[SFX: More enthusiastic applause.]
CLARA: Thank you, Supreme Admiral.
[MUSIC: Danny Boy on bells begins to play.]
CLARA: (singing) O Danny Boy, the bells, the bells are calling.
From glen to glen and down the mountainside…
The summer's gone, and all the roses falling,
[MUSIC: Klara’s voice and the bells begin to fade away as we shift to a new scene.]
[SFX: Crowd chatter going on around Olivia and Susan.]
OLIVIA: So, what now?
SUSAN: Let’s go talk with President Lincoln over there.
FR. BEN: (from a distance) Olivia?
SUSAN: I think the Pastor wants to talk to you.
OLIVIA: (exhausted) Just keep walking. He can take a hint.
SUSAN: Power play, I respect it. String him along and maybe we can even dip into some of his confessions down the line.
OLIVIA: Well, I don’t know about…
[SFX: Susan begins to run as she sees that Roger is close by.]
SUSAN: (overly enthusiastic) Oh, Supreme Admiral! Susan Tubbles, and this is my assistant Olivia Inwood.
OLIVIA: Hello.
SUSAN: May I say what a… a moving… speech you gave tonight. If people didn’t already see the power in what you’re doing, they must now.
ROGER: Hello Susan, Olivia. Great to finally put a name to the voices on the phone. Although Olivia, I did think you sounded a bit…
OLIVIA: Wait, do you think that the parrot is me…
SUSAN: (interrupting) Ah you’re thinking of my secretary, Ms. Dench. Common enough misunderstanding. Now, I’m happy to say we are ready to take on your case, as soon as we receive our retainer.
ROGER: Glad to hear it. I’ll have Brett wire that over to you tonight. Brett! Right on cue. Have you met Susan yet?
[SFX: Brett walking up.]
BRETT: Yes, we met earlier. Excited to be working with the two of you.
SUSAN: Same to you, dear. Now let’s get to it. I’m starting to lose feeling in my feet just standing around out here.
ROGER: Understood. Well, let’s walk over by the building.
[SFX: The group begins to move together.]
ROGER: Like I mentioned over the phone, whoever the sicko was, they did a phenomenal job cleaning up their tracks. Nobody, the police, the fire department, even our idiot boy priest, buys this as anything but an oil fire accident.
OLIVIA: And what makes you think differently?
ROGER: That’s a great way to put it, actually. I think differently. I have a clear view of this community from my pedestal as Supreme Admiral, and one thing is for certain, that even Brett here can’t deny.
OLIVIA: And what’s that?
BRETT: That the leftist, cancel culture SJWs that are slowly taking over this community cannot stand that there is a strong traditional men’s organization serving as the foundation of this church.
ROGER: (chuckling) Well said, Brett!
OLIVIA: (straining not to snap) So, to clarify, you think progressive members of this parish are out to get you and somehow this means that they went out of their way to burn down your lounge?
BRETT: And bowling alley.
OLIVIA: What?
BRETT: It’s a lounge and bowling alley.
OLIVIA: I don’t see your point.
BRETT: You just said lounge but it’s more than that, it’s a whole…
ROGER: I have to say Olivia, that is a very astute observation. See Brett, I told you they were good. Susan came very well reviewed on Angelo’s Index.
BRETT: Sure.
OLIVIA: So, the motive is people hate you…?
ROGER: Absolutely.
OLIVIA: Because you’re a hyper-conservative men’s organization?
ROGER: Precisely.
OLIVIA: Is there something specific you did that would invite such an attack?
[SFX: We hear the sound of cars driving by in the background.]
BRETT: Excellent question. The Supreme Admiral and I went ahead and developed a working list of people who we believe to be hateful toward us or just evil enough to do something this despicable.
OLIVIA: Understood… Hey Susan, can I talk to you for a second?
SUSAN: Excuse us for just a moment your Admiralnesses...
ROGER: I have to say this is highly unusual… I hope you won’t be charging us for this private chat.
[SFX: Susan and Olivia walk a way’s away to have some privacy.]
SUSAN: (calling as they step back) We’re not on the clock yet dear! (muttering to Olivia) Arrogant ass, I’m definitely line iteming this chat now just to make him pop a blood vessel.
OLIVIA: Susan.
SUSAN: Sorry, what is it dear?
OLIVIA: A list of suspects? Doesn’t this feel a bit witch-hunty to you?
SUSAN: Well… yes, of course.
OLIVIA: And you’re ok with that? Harassing a bunch of people to fulfill these two assholes’ hate fantasy?
SUSAN: Oh we won’t harass people: Just talk to them. Check their names off the list and move on.
OLIVIA: But doesn’t that feel dirty…
SUSAN: Here are the options as I see it: A. we take the case and make sure the people of this Church can live with minimal disruption or B. we don’t take the case and Joseph McCarthy over there creates his own kangaroo court.
OLIVIA: When you put it like that, I guess…
ROGER: (yelling from a distance) Are you two almost finished?
SUSAN: Oh, coming back now Supreme Admiral!
[SFX: They return to Brett and Roger.]
ROGER: Everything alright?
SUSAN: Yes, just… women’s issues.
ROGER: I-I-I see. I’m very supportive of those being handled.
OLIVIA: So, where is this list?
BRETT: Here you go. We narrowed it down to those we confirmed were at the festival that day.
[SFX: Brett hands Susan and Olivia a notebook with rustling papers.]
OLIVIA: (reading) Mitchell Clark.
BRETT: A ne’er-do-well teen. Brings a… skateboard… to mass.
ROGER: Yes, I certainly wouldn’t be surprised if he was having a reefer party behind the church and things got out of control.
[SFX: The paper rustles again.]
OLIVIA: Ok… Clara Martin. Didn’t she just play at your ceremony.
BRETT: Yes, but we consider her St. Patrick’s wild card.
ROGER: She has a dangerous energy which seems quite literally combustible.
OLIVIA: Bill Thompson.
ROGER: Lesbian daughter.
OLIVIA: You cannot be serious?
BRETT: Deathly serious I’m afraid. Nice girl too.
OLIVIA: Not about that you—
SUSAN: I think she means why would that make this Bill a suspect?
ROGER: We have taken a fairly vocal stance on carnal issues and have been placing many brochures on the topic around St. Patrick’s with regularity. That priest keeps throwing them away, but the ink and paper at my dealership is a tax write-off, so joke’s on him.
OLIVIA: (gritted teeth) Joe Walters.
ROGER: (scoffing) Joe is a longtime enemy of the Armada.
OLIVIA: Got it. And Emily Steadman?
BRETT: Joe’s daughter. Really any of the Walters family are suspicious enough.
ROGER: She is an especially horrible young woman: less dramatic since she settled down and found a husband, who is a real piece of work in his own right. Still, he’s just a harmless loudmouth but Emily… Between her and her father I don’t know who hates us more.
OLIVIA: Why would she have an issue with you? Her father?
ROGER: No, no. She’s one of these strong-willed younger folk with a distorted moral compass. You two might get along actually.
OLIVIA: She sounds lovely.
ROGER: I’m sure you’ll think so.
SUSAN: (trying to cut the tension and move this along) Any other names to ask about before we go, Olivia?
OLIVIA: Nope. (muttering) Those are all the witches they suspect so far.
BRETT: What was that?
OLIVIA: Oh, sorry I said it’s time to get investigating.
SUSAN: Not tonight, Olivia. We’re still waiting for the Supreme Admiral to send his deposit. We’ll be back this week to search the burn site as soon as the invoice clears. Should we plan to visit these folks at their home or is there a specific mass that they all attend?
BRETT: Mmm, there’s a pancake breakfast that the scouts are putting on next week. It’s always a massive hit so I expect most of the congregation will be there.
SUSAN: Sounds lovely. Naturally, we’ll need to expense a pancake meal… to blend in.
ROGER: Of course.
SUSAN: Well, Supreme Admiral, Vice Admiral, it’s time Olivia and I set sail. We’ll be in touch.
ROGER: Thank you both, and may the seas be calm in your voyage.
OLIVIA: Uh huh.
[SFX: Footsteps across pavement, keys jangling, and door unlocking. Olivia goes up the stairs and opens another door, sighing as she drops her keys in a bowl. She opens the fridge and puts something in the microwave. Sounds of Sebastian pawing at the window, meowing.]
OLIVIA: And right on cue.
[SFX: Olivia opens the window. Sebastian meows more urgently this time.]
OLIVIA: Come on in. It’s leftover chicken tonight.
[SFX: Sebastian jumping and feet touching the ground.]
OLIVIA: Your portion, sir.
[SFX: The microwave stops and she sets part of the food down in front of him. Sebastian purring and eating.]
OLIVIA: Just a brooding divorced woman in her mid-thirties talking to her only friend, a feral black cat. Maybe I should be the prime candidate in this witch hunt, huh buddy?
SEBASTIAN: Meow!
OLIVIA: (sighs) What have I gotten myself into?
[MUSIC: The Forgive Me! end credits music begins to play.]
ADAM: Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written and directed by Jack Marone and Bob Raymonda.
Here’s our cast in order of appearance:
Emliy Elizabeth Oliva
Lauren Thompson Dame Judi Dench
Mama Bang Bang Susan Tubbles
Michael Antico Brett
Casey Callaghan Fr. Ben
Bob Frame Roger
Krystal Osborne Clara
Script editing by Jordan Stillman.
Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda.
Sound design, score, and mixing by Adam Raymonda.
All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.
Find out about what we’re up to by following @forgivemeshow on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
This season we’ve got a 13-episode Patreon-exclusive series called Confessions with Klem! Our Patrons will glance into the secrets of the St. Patrick’s community with everyone’s favorite witty nihilistic Priest. This week we hear a familiar voice come into the confessional:
TOM: (big over dramatic sigh as he sits down) Heyyyy padre, sorry it’s ben too long. Get it?
KLEM: Can’t say I do Tom.
TOM: Oh! It’s you, apologies Sir..
To get access to Tom’s confession, and the rest of this Patreon-exclusive series become a supporting parishioner over at patreon.com/roguedialogue. That’s patreon.com/roguedialogue.
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That’s it for now! We’ll see you back here in two weeks for episode three. Bye!