Episode 2.06 transcript - “THanksgivinG WITH THE WALTERS”
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Would not be possible without our generous parishioners.
We’d like to thank Michael Volo for his donation to our annual St. Patrick’s Community Toy Drive! We’re not sure if the kids will have quite the level of enthusiasm for the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers that you do, but the sentiment is still extremely appreciated.
We’d like to thank Linda Wagner and Barry Ginsberg for hosting our first ever interfaith folk singalong with the local synagogue. You might not think Hebrew, Latin, and Banjo would blend well.. and you’d be mostly right! But I’m told everyone had a lovely time.
Become a part of our community over at patreon.com/roguedialogue
[MUSIC: The Forgive Me! theme song plays on church organ.]
[SFX: A car pulls up and the door opens and closes. Footsteps crunch and a wine bottle clangs as Ben walks through the snow before ringing the doorbell. There's a commotion on the other side, a pig snorting, Christmas music playing, etc. Tom finally answers the door.]
TOM: (STRUGGLING AGAINST DAVID) Ah! Father Ben. Welcome! I'm so glad you were able to join us this evening.
(STERN)
Give the man some space, David!
[SFX: David the pig happily squeals as he inspects Fr. Ben. Ben gives him a pat on the back. Tom shuts the door.]
FR. BEN: (HAPPILY) Goodness me, that is a lot of pig! Do you like to be shown a bit of love?
EMILY: (FROM THE OTHER ROOM) He certainly does, Father!
TOM: Can I take your coat?
FR. BEN: Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? David, yes you are!
[MUSIC: Holiday music plays from somewhere in the other room out of tinny speakers.]
[SFX: David snorts contented, as Ben pets him.]
FR. BEN: Oh, yes, f course.
[SFX: Ben unzips his coat as Darla turns the Christmas music down on the speakers and comes into the foyer.]
DARLA: (WARM/SARCASTIC) You try to tell these two that November is too early to start playing nothing but Christmas music...
EMLY: (SHOUTING) C'mon, Mom. You know it's NEVER too early to get in the holiday spirit!
[SFX: Somewhere in the background buttons on a microwave are pressed and it runs.]
TOM: Yeah, Dar. I've gotta think that the Father's probably with us on this one? It being Jesus' birthday and all that.
FR. BEN: (LAUGHING) I hate to break it to you, but I'm with Darla. You're a week too early in my book.
DARLA: Hah! See, I told you it wasn't just me.
FR. BEN: The Lord knows I love a good bit of Christmas music as much as the next one, but I've always said December 1st is the right day to start.
TOM: Huh. Weird.
(AWKWARD SILENCE)
Well, come in, come in! Please, let's stop hanging around the doorway. There's snacks in the living room and drinks in the cooler if you're thirsty.
[SFX: Ben, Darla, and Tom cross the room. Ben reaches into a bag and pulls out a bottle of wine.]
FR. BEN: Of course. I actually brought a bottle of Red, since Emily insisted there was nothing else I could bring...
DARLA: You didn't have to do that, sweetie. We're just so happy you chose to spend the afternoon with us! I'm sure you've gotten a lot of offers.
EMILY: And all of them good ones! And yet, you picked us! We're so honored, Ben.
FR. BEN: You're far too kind. And maybe overestimating how beloved I am among the congregation...
EMILY: Nonsense! Everyone in this town loves you!
FR. BEN: If only that were true.
[MUSIC: The first song ends as another Christmas tune begins.]
[SFX: Tom leaves the room to go and get Ben a drink. Darla huddles closer to Ben.]
DARLA: (WHISPERED) She's so cute. This is their first time hosting and they just wanted everything to be perfect.
FR. BEN: Well, it smells incredible in here. I'm sure everything is gonna be delicious.
DARLA: Every time I try to help her, she tells me I'm hovering and kicks me out of the kitchen.
FR. BEN: I'm sure she's just excited to be giving you a break for once.
DARLA: That or she secretly hates my stuffing!
[SFX: They both laugh as Tom and a very noisy David come back into the room, clinking bottles in hand.]
TOM: I grabbed a cold one for you. I hope that wasn't too presumptuous? I can certainly open this bottle if you'd prefer...
FR. BEN: No, a beer's just perfect.
DARLA: That reminds me. There's something I was forgetting...
[SFX: Darla stands up and heads out of the room. Tom grabs something off the table and munches on a handful of chips. David huffs back over and Tom pats his back.]
FR. BEN: You two seem to be getting along swimmingly.
TOM: (QUIETLY) That's because I figured out the secret.
FR. BEN: Oh yeah, what's that?
TOM: Cannibalism.
FR. BEN: (SHOCKED) Excuse me?
TOM: David loves eating pig products. Here, watch this. C'mere David!
[SFX: David huffs over.]
TOM: Circles, David!
[SFX: David runs, clip clopping around the coffee table and bumping into it before coming back up to Tom.]
TOM: (EXAGGERATEDLY) That's a good boy, now sit! And enjoy this piece of salami...
[SFX: David chows down on the offered piece of meat. Tom, satisfied with himself, clinks his bottle onto Ben's and takes a big sip.]
TOM: Works like a charm every time. Just gotta get used to the farts.
FR. BEN: (DISTURBED) I'm just glad you've found something that works for the both of you.
EMILY: (FROM A DISTANCE) ALRIGHT, YOU TWO, DINNER'S READY!
TOM: (QUIETLY) Keep the salami between us, okay? Emily thinks it's barbaric.
FR. BEN: Your secret is unfortunately safe with me.
[SFX: Darla and Emily are busy setting plates down onto the dining room table and pouring glasses of wine as Tom, Ben, and David all come in. Chairs are pulled out and everyone sits down.]
DARLA: You sure we've got everything, dear?
EMILY: Positive.
TOM: Everything looks amazing, honey!
FR. BEN: I agree, Emily. You've really outdone yourself here.
EMILY: You're too kind to say, Father. It was nothing.
TOM: (HELPING HIMSELF, CHUCKLING) Yeah right. You've been agonizing over this meal for weeks!
EMILY: (SHORT) Tom.
TOM: Yes?
EMILY: (clearing her throat) Don't you think we should all say grace before we start?
TOM: Grace?
[SFX: She kicks him under the table and glasses clink.]
TOM: Oh, yes, grace. Of course. What was I thinking?
FR. BEN: (CHUCKLING) You don't have to do that on my account. Truly, I just appreciate the warm meal among good friends. The Lord knows we're all mighty thankful for that. Please, everyone, dig in!
[SFX: There's a moment of quiet as they do before the doorbell rings. David howls after it and runs to the front door.]
DARLA: Who could that be?
EMILY: I don't know, Mom. It was only supposed to be the bunch of us. Unless Richard's decided to show up?
DARLA: (PUSHING HER CHAIR BACK) No, I told you both that bringing him around to meet my family after only two dates is far too soon.
(BEAT)
I'll just go check and see.
FR. BEN: (WHISPERED TO TOM) Richard?
TOM: Match.com.
FR. BEN: Say no more.
[SFX: David continues to squeal as Darla crosses the room to the front door, which rings again. Someone also knocks heavily on it.]
DARLA: I'm coming, I'm coming!
[SFX: The door opens. David, again, goes running for it and linking.]
DARLA: Oh, it's you.
[SFX: The door slams shut again. Darla and David re-enter, alone.]
EMILY: Mom...
DARLA: It was nobody. A telemarketer.
TOM: Wait, what?
[SFX: The doorbell rings again. This time incessantly.]
EMILY: Mom?
DARLA: (SIGHING) I guess he won't just go away, even if I pray for it, will he, Father?
FR. BEN: Excuse me?
EMILY: Tom, go get the door.
TOM: (MOUTH FULL) Kinda busy at the moment...
EMILY: (DEEP BREATH) Okay then.
[SFX: Emily pushes her seat back and walks to the front door. When she opens it, Joe pushes his way in and storms into the dining room.]
JOE: Now that wasn't really necessary, was it, dear?
DARLA: (SIMMERING) Seemed necessary to me.
TOM: (SARCASTICALLY) Your honor. It's been awhile.
JOE: Yes, and I'm assuming you share no responsibility in the fact that I'm not welcome among my own family?
EMILY: Stop being an asshole, Dad. Tom's the only one here who thought we should still invite you.
JOE: Et tu, Father?
FR. BEN: Joe, are you sure this is really the best place for you to be right now?
DARLA: Yeah, where's your jezebel?
JOE: (SLURRING) Lexi is at her mother's, thank you very much for asking.
DARLA: You're not welcome there, either?
JOE: (DEFENSIVE) No, of course I was. I just thought it was important I didn't miss out on my daughter's first Thanksgiving. I see there's no place for me.
[SFX: Father Ben pushes back his chair and goes to stand.]
FR. BEN: Here, take my place. There are other homes I promised to stop by today.
DARLA: That's nonsense, Father. You just got here.
EMILY: Besides, you were invited. Unlike him.
DARLA: But, I mean, what else should we have expected? This man has never been one to respect other people's decisions.
JOE: That's rich coming from you, the woman who stopped my own daughter from coming to her father's wedding.
DARLA: (LAUGHING) Hah! Like she ever would have went to that farce.
EMILY: (IGNORING THEM) No, you stay right where you are, Father Ben. Tom will move over and make room for my dad, won't he?
TOM: I will?
[SFX: She kicks him under the table again.]
TOM: Okay then…
[SFX: Tom walks out to the kitchen and drags a chair in. Joe makes a little satisfied "hnh" as he sits.]
JOE: I see you didn't wait to carve the turkey until I got here? And you let him butcher it like this? Annd you gave him my seat. It sure feels great to be so efficiently erased.
EMILY: Well, no. You weren't invited, so we didn't wait for you. And for your information, I carved this bird myself.
JOE: Why am I not surprised?
DARLA: Mmm, expecting the privilege to do things like sit at the head of the table and handle the big knife, even though you didn't do shit to help cook the meal, is kind of pathetic. Don't you think, Father?
FR. BEN: Uhm, I'd really rather not get involved...
TOM: It sounds kinda pathetic to me.
EMILY: Nobody asked you, Tom.
TOM: Noted.
[SFX: There is a palpable silence as they all settle in to eat. Eventually, David storms in and starts huffing at Tom. Tom gives him another piece of food.]
TOM: Here, David. Just take the food, David.
[SFX: David huffs as he eats.]
JOE: Are you seriously feeding him table scraps? No wonder it looks like such a sty around here!
TOM: David's a part of this family, Joe. We're happy to share what we have with him.
JOE: (UNSURPRISED) My God, Father, would you look at this place? They're living among LITERAL barn animals, and they wonder why I thought this jackass didn't deserve my daughter!
DARLA: (COLD, CALM) You lost the privilege of having an opinion when you left.
[SFX: People still cut away at their food. David squeals again.]
JOE: Left? I didn't leave! You forced me out! Do you know how lonely it was after you stopped speaking to me?
DARLA: There were other ways you could have addressed that than sleeping around, Joe.
JOE: Hardly!
DARLA: None of that even matters anymore. You made your bed, now you've got to be okay with lying in it.
JOE: That's not fair. Losing you, that's one thing. That's something I never wanted, but I can respect. But losing her?
DARLA: Mmm, maybe you should have thought about that, then.
EMILY: No, no, no, mom, you don't have to do that anymore.
DARLA: What?
EMILY: You don't have to defend me anymore. I can defend myself.
DARLA: But, honey, I don't need you to fight my battles for me.
JOE: She's certainly been doing a good job of it, as it is.
[SFX: Emily drops her fork and knife on the table in anger.]
EMILY: No, Dad. I haven't been fighting mom's battles. I didn't stop speaking to you because of your infidelity or your shotgun wedding or your barely masked disdain for the man I love. I didn't forget to invite you to our first Thanksgiving because either of them have poisoned me against you, although I'm sure that's what you're telling anyone who will listen. I didn't invite you because you made it abundantly clear a long time ago that you don't agree with the life I'm building for myself. So why should I let you keep being a part of it?
[SFX: Joe drops his own fork in defense.]
JOE: Because I gave you that life in the first place!
[SFX: Darla pushes her chair back and leaves the room.]
EMILY: (LAUGHING) Hah! I hardly call three quick pumps and an early night of sleep giving me life when mom's the one who had to carry me around in her belly for 9 months. Not to mention spend most of her time raising me after that.
JOE: (SLAMMING HIS HANDS ON THE TABLE) See! I told you she turned you against me. You may think that's not what's going on here, but I'm not stupid. I know your mother's words when I hear them.
DARLA: (FROM THE OTHER ROOM, IN THE BACKGROUND) Yes, that's 343 Elm St. You'll be here in how long? Thanks so much.
[SFX: People still pick at their food as the tension grows.]
FR. BEN: Joe, I think you and I both know now might be a good time for you to leave.
JOE: But I've barely gotten anything to eat!
TOM: I'd be happy to make you a doggy bag.
JOE: (PUSHING HIS CHAIR BACK, RAISING HIS VOICE) No, I'm not going anywhere!
EMILY: (PUSHING HER OWN CHAIR BACK) Yes, Dad. You are. I wasn't going to say anything about this, but you're obviously drunk. And you need to go sleep it off.
JOE: You have no idea what you're talking about.
[SFX: Emily takes a deep breath as she crosses the room to be confront her father.]
EMILY: I was kind enough to make you a plate, even though you knew full well why you weren't welcome here today of all days. And you've more than proven my instincts to be right. I'm asking you, politely, to leave. Don't make me ask again.
JOE: (ANGRY) Fine. Is Tim going to get me a tupperware?
TOM: (THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) It's Tom, your honor.
[SFX: Darla’s voice gets closer as she re-enters the room.]
DARLA: He knows that, dear. And no, Joe. Tom will not be getting you a tupperware.
EMILY: Leftovers are for guests.
[SFX: Joe begins to stand, silently seething.]
DARLA: (CLICKING HER TONGUE) Uh, unh, wait!
JOE: What, what could you possibly have to say to me now?
DARLA: Nothing, other than you better hand me your keys right now.
JOE: And how the hell else do you expect me to get home?
[SFX: Joe crosses the room and defiantly drops his keys into Darla’s hands. David squeals at all the commotion.]
DARLA: I called you a cab. Your keys will be in the mailbox in the morning.
EMILY: Don't take that as an invitation to come back and apologize.
JOE: I have nothing to apologize for.
TOM: Keep telling yourself that, bud.
[SFX: As Joe walks away and zips up his coat, he's followed by David who huffs at him and bites him.]
JOE: God damn pig!
[SFX: Joe slams the door shut behind him. There's a moment of silence before David trots back in.]
EMILY: You better not give him anything else to eat. Don't you think I haven't noticed you sneaking him treats all day.
TOM: (PATTING THE PIG'S BACK) But who else is gonna tell him he's such a good boy?
DARLA: (TAKING A DEEP BREATH) Father, I am so so sorry that you had to see that. Things aren't usually so crazy around here...
FR. BEN: Please, don't apologize. There's a lot to be thankful for at this time of year, but it's also a time for tension to run hot. I'm used to it. I promise, it's not even the most eventful meal I've been to in my life.
EMILY: You are too kind.
TOM: Seriously, padre. You don't have to bullshit us. We know we can be a real shit show.
FR. BEN: (CHUCKLING) Hand to God. I'd never lie.
(BEAT)
Now, could somebody pass the cranberry sauce? I don't know what you do to make it so perfectly, but I absolutely cannot get enough!
[MUSIC: A downtrodden, beautiful rendition of the Hail Mary section of Ava Maria plays as the sound of the dinner fades.]
[SFX: The sound is replaced by a tinny TV playing football. The doorbell rings and Bill walks over to open it up.]
BILL: Father! You're here just in time for game two.
FR. BEN: Bill, thank you so much for having me. Has Klem been giving you too much trouble?
FR. KLEM: No need to speak about me as if I'm not here, Benji.
BILL: (CHUCKLING) Klem's behaved plenty. Honestly? It's been a pretty great day. We just ordered some Boston Market and watched Football.
FR. BEN: I'm not gonna lie, I'm jealous.
[SFX: Bill crosses the room and opens the fridge, taking multiple clanking bottles out. Ben crosses into the living room and hefts himself onto the couch.]
FR. KLEM: That bad, was it?
FR. BEN: (DEEP SIGH) I've been to worse.
FR. KLEM: (LAUGHING HEARTILY) I told you: Never promise yourself to multiple family meals on Thanksgiving in this town. It just isn't worth the heartburn.
FR. BEN: Next time I'll heed your advice.
[SFX: Returning from the fridge with three cold beers. Bill opens them and passes them out.]
BILL: Can I get you anything else?
FR. BEN: (SITTING DOWN) No, this is perfect.
(BEAT)
Where's Shannon this year?
BILL: Off meeting Jenna's family. She called earlier; seems happy.
FR. BEN: That's so nice. I knew there was something more going on with those two before they did.
BILL: Yeah, they're good for each other.
[SFX: A silence creeps in among them as they drink beers.]
BILL: Guys?
FR. BEN: Yeah?
BILL: Thanks for coming over. It helps.
FR. KLEM: Anytime.
[SFX: We hear the sound of the football game playing louder and louder, which ends the scene.]
[MUSIC: Forgive Me!’s end credits theme begins to play.]
Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written and directed by Bob Raymonda and Jack Marone.
Here’s our cast in order of appearance:
Derek Emerson Powell Tom
Casey Callaghan Father Ben
Caroline Mincks Emily
Sarah Rhea Werner Darla
Michael Larkin Joe
David S. Dear Bill
Josh Rubino Father Klem
Script editing by Jordan Stillman.
Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda.
Sound design, score, and mixing by me, Adam Raymonda.
With additional help from Newton Schottelkotte
All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.
Find out about we’re up to by following @forgivemeshow on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
Now normally I would go off into a spiel about how you should rate our show on podcast players and maybe about how we have ads now and how we have a survery at fableandfolly.com/survey, but instead of going over all of those details I just want to say thank you to all of you if you’re listening to this show right now. It really means the world to us. We’ve had so many people reach out with - um, just extremely kind words about our show and we’re so grateful that you spend a little bit of time with us for these episodes. Because we put a lot of work into them and without all of your kind words and support it would mean a whole heck of a lot less. So thank you so much. Um, this time of year can be weird and hard, but it can also be wonderful and joyous and filled with love if you surround yourself with the right people. We’re super thankful to be surrounded by all of you and we hope that this time of year treats you well.
We’ll be back soon with another episode it is a super funny one that I’m so so so excited to share with you. Uh I think you’re going to love it. Uh, so we’ll see you soon!
Bye!