Episode 2.04 transcript - “THE CUSTOMER IS KING”

ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Would not be possible without our generous parishioners.

We’d love to thank Joe Storm for being an enthusiastic member of the St. Patrick’s community, but we’d also like to remind him that other people’s confessions are private. While it might be fun to hang around the office water cooler to catch a bit of work gossip, doing so around the Church violates other people’s rights to privacy in their conversations with Father Ben… and the lord, of course!

We’d like to thank Stephen and Mary Marone for leading our community baptism class. We’ve heard from many new parents that the swim practice in the baptism font helped their babies feel far more confident on the big day.

Become a part of our community over at patreon.com/roguedialogue

[MUSIC: The Forgive Me! theme song plays on church organ.]

[SFX: The curtain opens and closes as Mitchell enters and lets out a sigh.]

[MUSIC: Bouncy music begins to play on a piano with thumping bass and simple drums.]

FR. BEN: In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. How long has it been since your last confession?

MITCHELL: (ANNOYED) I don't know, man. How old was I when I got my first communion?

FR. BEN: Typically that happens when you're seven. So that would mean...

MITCHELL: It's been 10 years, then.

FR. BEN: I take it you're not a part of our Youth Group?

MITCHELL: Nah, not really my scene. Not that I have anything against it. It's just that my family only ever even comes here for weddings or funerals since my Gran died.

FR. BEN: So what brought you back after all this time?

MITCHELL: My mom.

FR. BEN: Your mom...?

MITCHELL: Yeah.

FR. BEN: I take it she feels that lightening the load on your soul might be beneficial for you?

[MUSIC: The song stops for a moment before picking back up again.]

MITCHELL: What? No. She just caught me smoking weed and didn't know what else to do with me.

FR. BEN: Is that something you do often?

MITCHELL: Smoke weed or get caught?

FR. BEN: (AMUSED) Either or.

MITCHELL: It used to only be whenever my friends and I went to the movies, but I never see them anymore so it's usually just me now.

FR. BEN: Does it still feel as fun for you, without the social aspect?

MITCHELL: No, it's mostly sad, I guess. But you try getting through a seven-hour shift at Burger Bros sober.

FR. BEN: I certainly don't approve of self-medicating but that does sound miserable.

MITCHELL: (RESPONDING, BUT CLEARLY BEGINNING TO THINK ABOUT WORK) Yeah... it's the worst…

[MUSIC: The song finishes with one last ringing chord.]

MITCHELL: Alright, lay it on me.

FR. BEN: What do you mean?

MITCHELL: I confessed. Aren't you going to tell me I'm going to hell for my sins or something?

FR. BEN: (AN EARNEST CHUCKLE) No, that's not really my style.

MITCHELL: I'm confused.

FR. BEN: That's understandable. Like you said, you haven't been here since you were a child, but no, I'm not here to preach fire and brimstone, even if that's what your mom might be hoping for.

MITCHELL: What are we doing then?

FR. BEN: Just talking. People usually come here when something's been weighing on them. And, aside from providing a private space for them to commune with the Lord, I do my best to offer advice where applicable.

MITCHELL: That's not so bad, then. Still don't really understand why I'm here.

FR. BEN: I take it you don't feel particularly bad about smoking weed then?

MITCHELL: No! Of course not. It's legal here now, you know?

FR. BEN: I heard something like that. But I seem to remember the legal age being eighteen...

MITCHELL: Aw, c'mon man! That's only a few months away. But it doesn't really matter: my mom is straight edge, so I'm pretty sure she's convinced I'll wind up doing heroin next.

FR. BEN: Have you tried talking to her about why you do it?

MITCHELL: We're not much for getting to the heart of our issues in my family. Hence, the confession of it all.

FR. BEN: Want to try working through it while you’re here?

MITCHELL: Not really.

FR. BEN: Well, that's all well and good, but I'm assuming your mom’s not gonna be happy enough if we stop here and call it a day.

MITCHELL: No, you're right.

FR. BEN: So, we could sit here in awkward silence until an appropriate amount of time has passed. I mean, trust me, it wouldn't be the first time I was stuck with somebody who had nothing to say. But, since you're here, you might as well see if you can get anything good from it, no?

MITCHELL: (DEEP SIGH) I guess.

FR. BEN: So, you said you never see your friends anymore. Why's that?

MITCHELL: Well, Mark and Benny both still work at the supermarket during the daytime. And by the time they're getting out and getting ready to hang, I'm just going in for my shift. Kind of a vicious cycle.

FR. BEN: There wasn't a falling out of any kind?

MITCHELL: I mean, I was kinda pissed neither of them stood up for me when Mr. Cleary accused me of shoplifting and fired me. But, it's a sweet gig, so I don't blame them for not sticking their necks out.

FR. BEN: (KNOWING) Oh… um, I take it you weren't guilty of that particular sin?

MITCHELL: No, man. What would I wanna steal from a grocery store? But somebody was swiping condoms and I was the only one of us with a girlfriend, so they put two and two together. Never mind the fact that she lives in California and we've never met in person.

FR. BEN: You weren't given a chance to argue your case?

MITCHELL: Hah! Not at all. My mom was so pissed when I told her why I couldn't work anymore too.

FR. BEN: Enter Burger Bros.

MITCHELL: (DEEP BREATH) Yeah... Home of the Triple Double and all that. She made me take the job. I tried explaining that if she just gave me some time my Twitch channel could take off but... (CHUCKLES)

FR. BEN: Moms don't really understand the monetization of streaming, do they?

MITCHELL: (SHOCKED) No, Father, they don't. I've gotta be honest, I'm pretty surprised that you do.

FR. BEN: Hey! Just because I'm a man of God doesn't mean I'm ancient, you know.

MITCHELL: Touché.

FR. BEN: What was it like, going from working with your friends at the supermarket to having to sling fast food?

MITCHELL: Ugh, it was a nightmare. On your first day, it seems like it's not gonna be so bad, you know? They've gotta make you watch these terrible training videos made in the 90's, so they shove you in a supply closet and mostly forget about you for the next three hours. Seems like it's gonna be a cakewalk, right?

FR. BEN: I'm assuming it's not going to be easy, but—

MITCHELL: WRONG. Those laid-back vibes are immediately replaced by extremely itchy polyester, an overwhelming smell of grease you can never get out, no matter how many times you shower, and a steady stream of people reminding you they think you're not worth anything just because you work there.

FR. BEN: That's tough. But, it was never stressful at the supermarket?

MITCHELL: Oh, of course, it was. I mean, people are shitty to customer service employees no matter where you work, but restocking toilet paper never gave me heart palpitations, you know what I mean?

FR. BEN: (EARNEST) I think that I do.

MITCHELL: And, I swear, when somebody is handing you money for something, all common sense goes out the window. A while back, we had this deal on Fridays, right? Two Fishbro sandwiches for 3 bucks.

FR. BEN: I'm familiar with the concept.

MITCHELL: Not that I really understand why anyone is clamoring for a Fishbro from a Burger joint in Upstate New York, but you'd be surprised how fast we sell out.

FR. BEN: I’m guessing this was in the Spring?

MITCHELL: Yeah, how'd you know!?

FR. BEN: It's because of Lent.

MITCHELL: Because of what now?

FR. BEN: Don’t worry about it. I mean, Lent might be a great thing for you to think… no, no, sorry. That’s for another time…
(BEAT)
Um… sorry, why were we talking about Fishbro sandwiches again?

[MUSIC: Pulsing percussion and a thumping bass come back in.]

[SFX: A door opens as someone crosses the restaurant. We hear other people in the background and bells dinging.]

MITCHELL: Well, one day, we get this geezer in there. And he asks for ONE Fishbro sandwich.

OLD MAN: I’ll have one Fishbro sandwich…

MICHELL: (IN THE CONFESSIONAL) And I say…

MITCHELL: (FURTHER AWAY, IN FLASHBACK) Sure, I'll ring that up for you.

MITCHELL: (IN THE CONFESSIONAL) And when the total comes out to $3.01, he loses his shit.

OLD MAN: Ahhhh, what the hell is wrong?!

[SFX: The old man fades into the background as Mitchell continues to tell the story.]

MITCHELL: (CONFESSIONAL) Screams at me that one fish sandwich should only be $1.50, and that's the whole reason he even drove all this way here in the first place. I try to explain to him that…

MITCHELL: (FLASHBACK) That isn’t how the deal works: one sandwich is still $3.01, like it always is, but if you spring for the second it's only $3.24.

FR. BEN: I take it he didn't take too kindly to that explanation?

[SFX: The old man growls unintelligibly over and over again. There’s frenzied beeping from the background, in the kitchen.]

MITCHELL: No, this guy? He looks at me like I've killed his wife in front of him. He gets all puffy and red and looks like he wants to reach across the counter and just start throttling me. My manager came over, ready to diffuse the situation…

MANAGER: Can I help you?

MITCHELL: …but he seemed to have caught on to all the dirty looks he was getting around him and composed himself enough to pay for the two sandwiches and call it a day.

OLD MAN: (DISAPPOINTED) Awhhhh… just take the money!

FR. BEN: Is it like that often, working back there?

MITCHELL: Constantly! The Customer is King, you know, even when they're not. And get this…

[MUSIC: The bouncy song stops for a moment.]

MITCHELL: …after all this time this guy spent screaming at me about the price of a Fishbro? After he pays his three stupid dollars and twenty-four stupid cents and gets out of my face? He just leaves.

[SFX: The crowd and the grunting continue before the man walks away, grunting.]

MITCHELL: (FLASHBACK) Sir, you forgot… Sir

[SFX: The door closes abruptly.]

MITCHELL: (FLASHBACK) Annnnnd he’s gone, okay.

MITCHELL: (CONFESSIONAL) Doesn't even take the sandwiches. He was so mad.

[MUSIC: The bouncy song returns for a final flourish before ending for real.]

FR. BEN: That must have been frustrating.

MITCHELL: You have no idea.

FR. BEN: So, we've established that the new job is a source of stress for you. Especially when your old one meant you got to spend even more time with your friends.

MITCHELL: Yes.

FR. BEN: Are there any other people your age at Burger Bros? Anyone you could make friends with to help with the isolation? Some of my fondest memories from childhood come from commiserating at the Water Park with the girls I worked with.

MITCHELL: Heh. I mean, yeah, of course, there are. These two guys from another school, Chet, Travis, and I usually share a shift together. They're pretty buddy buddy and I don't get all their inside jokes, but they toke up with me by the dumpsters sometimes.

FR. BEN: That's not exactly what I had in mind.

MITCHELL: (GROAN) Ugh, now you're gonna get on my case about this now too? I thought you were cool.

FR. BEN: (TRYING TO HIDE HOW PLEASED THIS MAKES HIM) Look, I'm not here to tell you what to do. You've got enough of that at home from your parents. But listening to you talk about it, it seems like you're leaning on marijuana primarily as a coping mechanism, more than as a hobby you just happen to enjoy.

MITCHELL: And your point is? In some parts of the country, it's prescribed as medicine!

FR. BEN: I highly doubt you get your pot from a doctor.

MITCHELL: (SHEEPISH) No. You're right.

FR. BEN: Again, I'm not here to tell you how to have fun. As long as you aren't getting hurt and you're not getting behind the wheel of a car while you're intoxicated, I'm not foolish enough to think you're going to stop. But I do hope you'll consider taking stock of your situation and seeing if there are any other, less medicinal ways to address them.

MITCHELL: Like what?

FR. BEN: I don't know. What else do this Chet and Travis like to do for fun? You said you have a Twitch channel. Do you think either of them would like to play video games with you after work sometime?

MITCHELL: Oh, we don't really know each other like, like that. We usually just get ripped and tell jokes over the drive-through headsets. And sometimes, when we get a really bad customer, we'll mess with them a little.

FR. BEN: I'm sure your managers love that.

MITCHELL: Meh, it's fine.

FR. BEN: I'm almost afraid to ask what you do to them. I mean, I have seen the movie Waiting...

MITCHELL: You've seen what?

FR. BEN: You know, that Dane Cook movie where they work at a Ruby Thursdays like restaurant and all take turns... spitting on a customer's food?

MITCHELL: I have no idea what you're talking about.

FR. BEN: Yeah, I guess that reference is kinda dated at this point.

MITCHELL: We don't do anything gross, if that's what you're asking. We'll just do little things, like uh, like filling a cup all the way to the brim with ice for somebody who asks for none. Or, or put one really long fry in a bag for somebody who orders one large fry.

FR. BEN: (RELIEVED) That sounds innocent enough.

MITCHELL: Hey, we've gotta pass the time somehow.

FR. BEN: Speaking of that, do you think it's been long enough for your mom out there?

MITCHELL: What? You itching to get rid of me now all of a sudden?

FR. BEN: No! Not at all. I just thought you'd maybe wanna get out of here. I'm assuming today's your day off.

MITCHELL: No, I've gotta go into Burger Bros right after this, so I don't mind stalling a little bit longer.

FR. BEN: That's just fine with me.

MITCHELL: You know, this hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

FR. BEN: I'm so glad to hear it! The last thing I want to do is give you something else to dread.

MITCHELL: I appreciate that more than you could understand.

FR. BEN: There is one question I still have, if you're up for it.

MITCHELL: Shoot.

FR. BEN: If you're usually smoking at Burger Bros, which I don't at all condone by the way... how did your mother catch you in the first place?

MITCHELL: (CHUCKLING) Well... you know those motion sensor lights people put in their backyards to keep an eye out for burglars or deer or whatever?

[SFX: Crickets begin to come in the background before Mitchell walks slowly through the grass.]

FR. BEN: Yes.

[SFX: Mitchell crosses the deck and lights a bowl.]

MITCHELL: I forgot ours were on, and so when I went out onto the deck to enjoy a post-shift bowl one night, the lights came on and woke her up while she was sleeping on the couch. She shot up and glared at me from the picture window. At first I'd scared her half to death, but once she recognized what was going on, she blew a gasket. I don't know what would have been worse for her, somebody trying to break in or catching her only child smoking the devil's lettuce.

[SFX: The sound cuts away abruptly with Ben’s laugh.]

FR. BEN: (LAUGHING) I'm sure she was livid. I can only imagine the look on her face when she saw you.

MITCHELL: (LAUGHING IN TURN) Why'd you even want to know that?

FR. BEN: I was a teenager once. Nothing funnier than stories about being caught by your mom. Yours certainly proves that out.

MITCHELL: (SMILING) Touché again, padre. Could you do me one last favor?

FR. BEN: As long as it isn't marijuana-related.

MITCHELL: Oh, no, no, no. Nothing like that. I just... I'm wondering if you'll walk me out there to her and act very stern?

FR. BEN: Why's that?

MITCHELL: Oh, she's terrible at punishing me. If she thinks you put the fear of God in me, she won't bother taking anything else away.

FR. BEN: (AMUSED) I think I can manage that.

[SFX: The curtains on either side of the confessional open as both Mitchell and Fr. Ben cross the church.]

LISA: (ANGRY) Mitchell.

MITCHELL: Mom.

LISA: Thank you so much for doing this, Father. I just don't know what's gotten into him...

FR. BEN: I'm always happy to sit with one of St. Patrick's parishioners, Lisa.

LISA: (SERIOUS) Well, what do you have to say for yourself?

FR. BEN: I promise you, he's learned his lesson.

LISA: Is that true?

MITCHELL: (FAKE UPSET) Oh, it is. I promise you, mom, it won't happen again...

LISA: Good.

FR. BEN: Now, hopefully, the next time I see the two of you will be under happier circumstances, yes? Maybe this Sunday?

LISA: (AWKWARD) Uh, sure. Maybe.

FR. BEN: Good, I'm glad to hear that. It's always nice to have a full house for Sunday mass.

MITCHELL: Aw, I'd love to, Father, but I told my boss I'd cover breakfast this weekend...

LISA: We'll be there.

FR. BEN: I'll keep my eye out for you. Now you two take care of yourselves, alright?

LISA: You too, Father! … Now, don’t you think you’re getting off that easy young man. You may be going to work, but the second you get home you’re cleaning the house.

MITCHELL: Alright, mom, yes.

LISA: And tomorrow you’re mowing the lawn, and doing anything else I may think of that I may need done without complaining.

MITCHELL: Mhm, sure.

LISA: And that’s not all, either. No xBox, no phone, no friends, nothing but work, chores, and school, until I say you’ve learned your lesson.

MITCHELL: Fiiiiine, yeah. Okay.

LISA: And what are you doing walking out of the house with your hair a mess like that? Let, let me fix it for you.

[SFX: There’s a rustling sound as they take the last few steps out of the church.]

MITCHELL: Alright, Mom, alright, that’s enough. Okay, my hair, it’s fine, my hair’s fine. Stop it, stop. Just. Stop. I’ve got it, it’s fine. I got it. Thank you. Jeez.

[MUSIC: Forgive Me!’s end credits theme begins to play.]

Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written and directed by Bob Raymonda and Jack Marone.

Here’s our cast in order of appearance: 

Sawyer Greene Mitchell

Casey Callaghan Father Ben

Old Man Adam Raymonda

Manager

Danyelle Ellet Lisa

Script editing by Jordan Stillman.

Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda.

Sound design, score, and mixing by me, Adam Raymonda.

All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.

Find out about we’re up to by following @forgivemeshow on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

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No matter what, thanks for listening. We’ll be back in a few weeks with episode five! 

BYE!