Episode 1.03 transcript - “about tomorrow”
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Would not be possible without our generous parishioners.
We’d like to thank Sue Sender for taking the initiative to restart St. Patricks’ community garden this year. We’ve received a few complaints about a patch of uhhh Lucifer’s Lettuce? You know uhhh Beelzebub’s Bud? Well another gardener noticed it behind the tomatoes, but Father Ben’s assured us that you two have come to an understanding.
Thank you to Alex Koppel who included the St. Patrick community in their socially distant interfaith pumpkin carving party! Some might say we should reject Halloween because it’s “for the pagans” - but we think carving out pumpkin guts is a great way to get to know our neighbors.
Become a part of our community over at patreon.com/roguedialogue
(MUSIC: Organ music plays. After it completes, a bouncy song with strings plays underneath Fr. Ben’s monologue.)
FR. BEN: Dear Lord, thank you again for my opportunity here at St. Pat's. It's been... interesting to say the least. I'm honestly still reeling about how things ended at Mother of Mercy. Please keep your eye on the parish there--especially Olivia. Even with my regrets, I am grateful and resolved by your continued grace. Thank you for the opportunity to help folks who clearly need it. Actually on that note I'm hoping for your guidance. I'm feeling at a bit of a loss with Aiden. He had a pretty bad accident and is afraid to come back to the parish and his mother's asking me to snap him out of it but I'm not quiet sure I can help...
(SFX: There’s a loud noise in the distance as two women enter the church.)
JENNA: (SHOUTING) Knock knock, Jesus!
SHANNON: (LAUGHING) Shh! You can't just walk into a church yelling.
JENNA: (IGNORING SHANNON) So this is it! Big bad St. Patrick's. You weren't kidding about the somber stained glass, it's straight out of an Irish Catholic's wet dream in here.
SHANNON: (PLAYFULLY WARNING) Jenna..
JENNA: Relax prodigal daughter, we're the only ones here.
SHANNON: (A BIT SURPRISED BY THE REALIZATION) Yeah, so strange.
JENNA: What?
SHANNON: You know, I came here every week as a kid, and I don't remember this place ever being empty. I mean there were a couple times it'd just be me and my mom, but even then Fr. Klem would be wandering around, straightening every last candle and banner.
JENNA: Where does your family sit?
SHANNON: Over here!
(SFX: The two women cross the church.)
JENNA: Ohhhhhh…
SHANNON: Well... I'm guessing they still do at least. We did for as long as I can remember. Always 2nd row far left of center. Mom and Dad wanted to be right in the action, but didn't want to appear so arrogant to sit front and center…
JENNA: (CHUCKLING)
SHANNON: God... you know it's funny, I remember this place being bigger, more imposing. I guess I was also a lot smaller back then.
JENNA: Didn't you say you were here every Sunday until you were 18?
SHANNON: (SIGHS FAKE ANNOYED) Yes, but most of my memories of this place are of being a God fearing nine year old.
JENNA: (SULTRY) And look at you now. Soulless heathen living in sodomy and sin.
(SFX: Jenna pulls Shannon in and tries kissing her.)
SHANNON: (LAUGHING AND SQUIRMING) Stop!
JENNA: Oh, c’mon! Why?! Nobody's watching! What are you scared God's gonna hit us with a lightning bolt or something?
(SFX: Jenna continues kissing Shannon.)
SHANNON: (SQUIRMING, PLAYFULLY SHOVING JENNA OFF) Come on.
(SFX: The women laugh together.)
SHANNON: No, it's not that. Kind of tough to be in the mood when there's a giant dying man bleeding out of his hands and staring straight at you. Not to mention the 40 judgmental angels literally looking down on us from the ceiling.
JENNA: Oh come on! You know they're loving it.
(SFX: A beat as Jenna groans.)
JENNA: Whaaatever, you're no fun.
SHANNON: (STILL IN A PLAYFUL TONE) Give me a break Jenna, I'm in mourning, I think I'm entitled to be a bit of a drag.
JENNA: (SUDDENLY SERIOUS) Shit, I'm sorry I know this is probably a lot for you. Can't be that easy being here after all this time.
SHANNON: Relax girl! I'm only teasing you. Come here, I have an idea.
(SFX: Jenna makes an excited sound as they cross the room.)
(SFX: The door to the confessional creeks open as they squeeze in. Jenna laughs and kisses Shannon again.)
SHANNON: Look, we'll have a little more privacy in here.
JENNA: (EXCITED) I love this! You can play the nervous, naughty school girl and I'll be the dirty, sexually repressed priest.
FR. BEN: (CLEARING THROAT) Excuse me?
(SFX: Jenna and Shannon let out a scream.)
JENNA: What the fuck? Who is there?
FR. BEN: Hi uh sorry, I'm Fr. Ben, the temporary pastor here.
(MUSIC: The bouncy song from the beginning starts to play again.)
JENNA: And you were what, spying on us? God, why are all priests such creeps?
FR. BEN: (EMBARRASSED AND A LITTLE DEFENSIVE) What? No. I do anonymous confession at this time on Thursdays. I stay in here so folks can come and go at their own discretion. This is a confessional after all.
JENNA: Sure pal. Shannon, it's suddenly a little crowded in here. Let's get going.
FR. BEN: I’m sorry for startling you both and have a good rest of your day. I heard you mention it's been a while since you've visited. If you have any questions or want to talk I'm happy to do so.
JENNA: Yeah OK. Thanks for the offer, but I think we're good.
(MUSIC: The bouncy song slows down and shifts to a more melancholy lilt.)
SHANNON: Actually...
JENNA: What? You seriously want to talk to this guy?
SHANNON: Jenna, could I meet you back at the car? Go smoke a cigarette or something. If I'm not outside by 2:30 feel free to sound the alarms.
JENNA: I mean if you really want to... Is everything alright?
SHANNON: Oh yeah everything's fine. Look I'll be out soon.
JENNA: (CLEAR CONCERN IN HER VOICE) Ok sure, see you in a bit.
(MUSIC: The music has faded away.)
(SFX: The confessional door opens and closes and Jenna quietly exits the church.)
SHANNON: (EMBARRASSED) Sorry about her, she can be a little extreme. And I guess sorry for making out in the confessional?
FR. BEN: (CHUCKLING) All is Forgiven. But maybe a little more reverence in a place of worship would be nice touch for you both. Clearly I don't expect your girlfriend to do the stations of the cross, but try to keep your role play outside of church. That's all I ask.
SHANNON: I guess that's a reasonable request.
FR. BEN: So, what brought you in today? I couldn't help but overhear that this used to be your church.
(MUSIC: Melancholy piano music begins to play.)
SHANNON: I'm in town for my mother's funeral. You're performing it tomorrow actually.
FR. BEN: Oh you must be Sue Thompson's daughter. Great woman your mother, so sorry for your loss.
SHANNON: Thanks. You knew her?
(MUSIC: Somber keyboard music begins to play again.)
FR. BEN: Only for a little while. I've been with this church for about a month, but was lucky enough to connect with Sue in that time.
SHANNON: I can't say I'm surprised. That woman was obsessed with priests. Like minor celebrities to her. Did she build you anything?
FR. BEN: (CHUCKLING) She did, actually. She gave me a model boat, it's beautiful. I keep it on my desk in my office.
SHANNON: I knew it! She's so predictable, I swear those boats are her calling card. What kind was it?
FR. BEN: I couldn't tell you. I mean it's a massive blue thing with 3 big sails and I think a British flag?
SHANNON: (SNAPPING HER FINGERS) Ah a destroyer! She must've been a big fan. She saves the royal military ships for her favorites. I think she gave the same one to the Bishop.
FR. BEN: Well I'm honored.
(SFX: There are a few beats of awkward silence.)
FR. BEN: Um… Would you mind walking with me over to the narthex? I have a pot of coffee on that should be about done.
SHANNON: Sure. Sort of weird sitting in here anyway, feels like I'm in detention or something.
(SFX: The music ends as Ben and Shannon open their respective confessional doors and cross the church.)
FR. BEN: Was there anything specific you wanted to talk about? I'm happy chat with you for as long as you want, but I don't want to keep you from your girlfriend.
SHANNON: Jenna? She's not my girlfriend. She's great and all, but we're just having fun right now. I told her this was happening and she said she wanted to come so I wouldn't have to be alone. Honestly, it was nice enough to have company for the drive from the city. But it's even better because she actually understands who I am as an adult, unlike anybody around here.
(SFX: Another door opens and closes as they continue to cross a hallway in the back of the church.)
FR. BEN: Got it. Not to pry, but bringing somebody you're seeing to a funeral doesn't exactly seem to fall under the "just having fun" category.
SHANNON: (CHUCKLES) You're not wrong, but still, we're figuring it out. And no offense, but I'm not going to take advice on my relationships from a Catholic priest of all people.
FR. BEN: Hah! Point taken. So, it's Shannon right?
SHANNON: That's me.
FR. BEN: What's on your mind Shannon?
SHANNON: Well, I came in here today because I was nervous about tomorrow. There are a lot of people who'll be around who haven't seen me in years. I wasn't ready to come back for the first time and be followed around by Old Margaret’s judgmental eyes.
(SFX: Father Ben begins rustling around in the cupboards, working a coffee machine.)
FR. BEN: Coffee? I'm listening.
SHANNON: Sure.
FR. BEN: Cream or sugar?
SHANNON: Black is fine.
(SFX: Fr. Ben pours a cup of coffee and crosses the room.)
SHANNON: A small part of me does feel good being back, but still, I'm standing here now and I'm not so sure everything's gonna be okay tomorrow.
FR. BEN: Here you go. What's got you so worried about tomorrow?
SHANNON: I'm not worried for me. I'm worried for my dad, shit I'm worried for my mom.
(SFX: Fr. Ben crosses the room and pours himself a cup of coffee, tearing open a pack of sugar and stirring it.)
FR. BEN: What do you think will happen?
SHANNON: I don't know... people will start staring at me and Jenna and suddenly this day honoring my mom is all about her wayward daughter making it all about her. My point is, as sick as this sounds, this is her big moment. I have to be there but I don't want to get in the way.
FR. BEN: I get that, I do. Church after time away, especially your home, can be a fraught place to come back to. My one word of advice here would be: tomorrow is about you and your relationship to your mother. You need to let yourself process that in whatever way you need. If folks are spending their time busy thinking about how you're mourning, they aren't properly mourning themselves.
SHANNON: Yeah I guess, but to be honest that advice sort of sounds like be yourself, who cares what the other kids at school think?
FR. BEN: I understand that it's easier said than done but, I mean, it's the truth. What do you think tomorrow will mean to you?
(MUSIC: A melancholy, yet hopeful tune begins to play.)
SHANNON: Uh. God you know, I honestly don't know? I mean, of course it's going to be one of the hardest days of my life, because it's my mom's funeral and all. But even that's difficult because she was in so much pain at the end. I would never say I wanted this, but...
FR. BEN: Say no more. I know how hard it is to see a loved one in pain. An impossible situation, but one we'll all experience at some point.
SHANNON: The thing is, that's not even what I'm dreading most about tomorrow.
FR. BEN: Oh? What would you say that is?
SHANNON: I mean, as far as closeted teens go I had a pretty OK relationship with my church. I went to mass on Sundays and even worked in the youth group. Things were pretty passive when it came to church. People were always super nice and it was just an essential part of my life. I liked it too, even as a kid, having an hour to be quiet and let my mind wander. Then after mass, that feeling like you had done good just by being there. I really took to the whole charade. You know what I'm saying?
FR. BEN: Absolutely.
SHANNON: My mom was a big reason why, I think. She was that type of person who calmly catered to everyone else and had a big personality while doing it. I wouldn't call her stoic or anything, but calmly full of love. And when she said, "You can be whatever you want to be," I could tell she'd support me no matter what.
FR. BEN: You were very lucky to have her.
SHANNON: When you grow up with somebody like that, and church is clearly so important to them, it becomes important to you too. Church with my Mom really embodied what I thought being Catholic meant as a kid. "All are welcome" was the quote that was drilled into me. Church is for everyone.
FR. BEN: That definitely sounds like your mother to me. Somebody who lived in the example of Christ. But I'm assuming things changed as you got older?
SHANNON: (SUDDENLY A BIT DISTANT) Yes.
FR. BEN: How so?
SHANNON: (A BIT MIRTHFULLY) I mean, how do you think?
FR. BEN: I don't know I..
SHANNON: (INTERRUPTING) I got older and by the time I was 14 I knew I was gay. I felt terrible about it like any other Catholic terrified of an eternity in hell would. I guess I was lucky this isn't the most political of parishes. Old Fr. Klem wasn't the type to sit on the pulpit and preach fire and brimstone, but still, if any controversial topic was broached with the people here, you could feel them retreat. Even my mom. It was enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and hide.
FR. BEN: That must have been extremely hard, especially at that age... I'm so sorry you went through that.
SHANNON: Look, leaving for school when I was 18 gave me the space to learn who I was. By the time I came back home for winter break and went to Christmas Eve mass it was like... you know how, if you have a cat, you sort of forget how cat pee smells? Then you come back from a long trip and you suddenly realize your whole house has smelled like cat piss this entire time and you were just numb to it.
(SFX: Shannon takes a sip of her coffee and sets it down.)
SHANNON: Well I realized Catholicism is basically cat piss. Sorry.
FR. BEN: It's fine, go on.
SHANNON: I was planning to come out to my family that week regardless…
(SFX: The soundscape shifts to the outside of the church in winter time. Cars pass by. There are footsteps in snow.)
SHANNON: …but halfway through mass I wound up walking outside to the front steps and standing alone in the snow. Mom came out, wondering where I'd gone, and I don't know what got into me, but I told her right then and there.
FR. BEN: How'd she react?
SHANNON: It was amazing, honestly. She didn't miss a beat. Said she already figured it out and was glad I felt comfortable enough to tell her. Said she didn't care who I loved and was happy I was in touch with what I wanted from my life. Basically, it was everything you'd hope for as an anxious 18 year old.
FR. BEN: I'm glad.
SHANNON: She was an incredible person. After I told her, we hugged in the snow for a few minutes. Then she said to me, like the good Catholic she was, "We're going to miss communion." I told her I was fine out here and I remember the look on her face. It was this mix of worry and disappointment I'd never seen before that night, but have seen over and over for years since.
(SFX: A loud truck passes by. There are crunchy footsteps in the snow. The church door opens)
SHANNON: She walked back in and left me there. This is my first time here since that night, actually.
FR. BEN: Did your mother and you ever talk about church again?
SHANNON: Yeah it would come up. She was never pushy, she wanted me to be happy, but she'd ask if I wanted to come every time I came home. I tried to be respectful about it but after a handful of years I eventually snapped and had it out with her one night.
FR. BEN: What did you say?
SHANNON: What do you think? There are a million things wrong with this place. Do you actually need me to spell it out for you? The Roman Catholic church is a racist, bigoted, greed filled cabal that was all but founded on the idea of using religion as a means to oppress people.
FR. BEN: Shannon, I...
SHANNON: (INTERRUPTING) Not to mention the horrible things you and your clergy buddies have done. I may have had a fine experience all things considered, but let's be real I knew kids in my situation who were not so lucky.
(SFX: There’s a beat of silence. Shannon takes a sip of coffee.)
SHANNON: But the main thing I said to my mom was why would I willingly go to a place where I'm not accepted? She pushed back and said, "You know your father and I support you. You've known the people at St Patrick's for your whole life and they'll love you no matter what" She just didn't get it. We always say church is about the people but that's not totally it, at least not for Catholics. This is an international organization with rules and those rules tell me that my identity is wrong. That, essentially, I am a sin. This whole idea of being loved no matter what? It's great these folks are willing to overcome who I am and still love me, but they all know in their heart of hearts, that God will never accept me.
FR. BEN: You said that to her?
SHANNON: Yeah.
FR. BEN: How'd she take it?
SHANNON: She said she understood and left me alone about it after that, but I could tell she was still hurting. And I was hurt that she didn't get it. And, if I'm being completely honest here, kinda hurt because she kept going and still cared this much in spite of how the church viewed me. But the sickest thing is I felt this sense of loss. I felt like, at that moment, I'd already lost a part of my mom. I mean, the experience of love and community I had with her here as a kid was already gone by the time I knew who I was. But after that fight? I was fully walking away from the world I loved as a 9 year old who didn't know any better.
(SFX: There’s a beat, Shannon takes another sip.)
SHANNON: And now my mom's gone and I know it's no longer about me not wanting to go. Without her, the church I'd want doesn’t even even exist. I can't be the daughter of my proud mother anymore, I'm just the heathen who'll never be fully welcome.
FR. BEN: I'm so sorry, Shannon.
SHANNON: Why do you keep apologizing?
(MUSIC: Organ music begins to vamp underneath them.)
FR. BEN: I... well... I feel terrible your experience in the church has put you in these unfair circumstances as a person and with your mother.
SHANNON: Sure... but you're kind of the town mayor of those "unfair circumstances." Aren't you?
FR. BEN: I agree the church has some... dated beliefs and it's history isn't something I'm always proud of, but I want you to know that, to me, you're accepted as you are and I am positive that change is coming.
SHANNON: Look, I appreciate the vote of confidence but I have plenty of acceptance in my life without God at this point. Plus, not to call bullshit, but I don't think you can call yourself an ally. I mean, if Jenna walked in here right now and we decided to get married, would you do the service? Or would that go against the rules for you and your so-called liberal pope.
FR. BEN: Well, I couldn't exactly just...
SHANNON: (INTERRUPTING) Yeah. That's what I thought. I honestly don't even know why I'm telling you all this. Just do me a favor, ok?
FR. BEN: Sure Shannon, anything, what can I do?
(MUSIC: The ending music begins to play in a more minor tone, simply on a keyboard.)
SHANNON: When you get up to talk tomorrow. Don't bring me up. All I want is to get through this day without being called out.
FR. BEN: Sorry Shannon... I can't.
SHANNON: What? Why not? You literally just said anything.
FR. BEN: Your mother's wishes clearly asked me to mention you. I don't have a choice on this one.
SHANNON: What'd she say?
FR. BEN: You'll find out tomorrow but she was obviously so proud. Your mom loved you so much and it's clear she's willing to put you and I in an awkward position tomorrow to talk about it.
(SFX: Jenna re-enters the church and approaches.)
JENNA: Hey it's been a while? You OK? This guy try anything funny?
SHANNON: No, it's cool. let's go. Hey Father, thanks for the chat. We'll see you tomorrow.
FR. BEN: Of course. Thank you for coming by and I hope to see you again someday later on too.
SHANNON: (UNCONVINCINGLY) Yeah sure... Maybe.
(MUSIC: The bass leads the music into it’s final vamp.)
JENNA: Hey, you weren’t kidding about these angels…
SHANNON: I know, right?
(SFX: Shannon and Jenna leave the church together, mumbling under the end of the music.)
(MUSIC: The much bouncier end credits music begins to play.)
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. It was written and directed by Jack Marone and Bob Raymonda.
Sound design, mix, and score by Me! Adam Raymonda.
Here’s our cast:
Casey Callaghan Father Ben
Alyssa Otoski-Keim Jenna
Natasia White Shannon
All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.
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