Episode 1.02 transcript - “Not a fan of the pig”
[MUSIC: Organ plays underneath.]
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Would not be possible without our generous parishioners.
A big thank you to Jordan Stillman and Brandon M. Crose for hosting storytime for the children of the St. Patrick’s community! Everyone loved your epic adaptations of the parables with orcs, elves, and dragons. We think the originals are probably preferable in the eyes of the diocese, but uh… hey whatever engages the youth! Right?
Next - thank you to Gabriella Evergreen! Well actually we did need to talk to you about a slight rumor that we heard from Margaret. She claims that she saw you playing “the devil's music” on your cello while screaming “I’m a witch! I’m a witch! I’m a witch!” Is this true? Anyway uhhh.. thank you for your support!
Become a part of our community over at patreon.com/roguedialogue
[MUSIC: Forgive Me! theme plays.]
[SFX: Footsteps walking through the church. Communion door opening and closing.]
TOM AND FR. BEN: In the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy spirit.
TOM: Forgive me father for I have sinned. It's been 6 months since my last confession.
FR. BEN: What's on your mind?
TOM: You're Father Ben right? The new pastor?
FR. BEN: That's me.
TOM: OK great, I'll be honest I used to go to confession like once a month, but I started to find old Father Klem a little too dry. I knew he was hearing me, but it just didn't feel like he was listening, you know?
FR. BEN: I'm sorry to hear that. I've heard nothing but nice things about Father Klem since I've arrived here. I'm sure he was trying his best.
TOM: I guess what I'm trying to say is... I mean, my wife's in the choir, right? So I'm here every week, usually sitting in back with her parents, and after hearing your first sermon last Sunday I could tell you would be more able to get where I'm coming from. I'm honestly blown away the diocese got wise and moved on from Klem and actually brought in some youth.
FR. BEN: You know that Father. Klem had a serious heart attack, right? Nobody chose to move on from him...
TOM: Oh yeah I know, awful, but you know what I mean. It's just cool to have somebody preaching who wasn't trained in Latin.
FR. BEN: (NOTICEABLY UNCOMFORTABLE) Well, I'm glad that, however unfortunate the situation, it's helped you come back to confession.
TOM: Oh yeah, sorry father, didn't mean to put you in a spot with that. Klem's a solid guy, but I'm excited for new perspectives is all. I'm Tom, by the way.
FR. BEN: Good to meet you, Tom. You know, if you'd prefer this wasn't anonymous we could just go sit in my office.
TOM: Nah it's cool. I know it's dumb but I think this little closet and screen are a fun part of the whole experience. It's like I'm in the godfather or something: [PACINO IMPRESSION] "I killed... I ordered the death of my brother, he injured me. I killed my mothers son. I killed my father's son"
(MUSIC: Lilting music plays with acoustic guitar, organ, and loud church bell gongs.)
FR. BEN: Is that Pacino in part 3?
TOM: Yeah! See, I could tell we'd get along. People hate that one, but it's my favorite. They show it on Starz almost every Tuesday.
FR. BEN: You know, I think I remember that scene actually took place in a courtyard, not in a confession booth.
TOM: (DEFENSIVE HALF-CHUCKLE) Yeah and you're some 30 year old priest, not some aged Italian a cardinal. I just like the booth ok?
FR. BEN: Totally understand, I'm certainly happy to accommodate whatever opens you up to God.
TOM: Alright cool - OK well. I guess I'll get into it.
(MUSIC: Fades out.)
FR. BEN: Sounds good Tom, what's on your mind to confess?
TOM: (SIGHS) Same stuff as always. I can be kind of a crap husband.
(MUSIC: A melancholy piano melody begins.)
FR. BEN: What do you mean?
TOM: Well, Emily is always telling me I need to work on my patience. She says I overreact and don't listen enough.
FR. BEN: And what do you think about that?
TOM: What do you mean? Like yeah I definitely can get annoyed with stuff pretty often. I think she gets caught up in her feelings and so I try my best to help, but it's hard so sometimes I get frustrated--like anyone would.
FR. BEN: And what would you say is frustrating you most?
TOM: It's typical husband and wife stuff, like we're late to see her parents and she's running behind because she wants to make sure David has like every possible thing he could want for the 2 hours we're gone. And I get pissed because I know Justice Walters, her dad, you've probably seen him around he's the old tall guy with those small circular glasses that make him look like a snobby, uptight owl. You know who I'm talking about?
(MUSIC: Cuts abruptly)
FR. BEN: I wouldn't use that description but I think I do.
(MUSIC: Melody begins again.)
TOM: Yeah I figured, dude likes to make his presence felt. Well as you'd expect Justice Walters is big into like structure and tradition garbage and is the type of guy who requires his own son-in-law to call him by his title. Like good for you Justice Walters! Just because you get to wear a robe at work, and bang your gavel, and put people in jail doesn't mean I should be forced to treat you like some superior being?!
FR. BEN: It's typically accepted that we should respect our in-laws, Tom.
TOM: Of course, I know that, but like whatever I roll with it even though it drives me crazy. My point is that the guy can be a real smug jerk if we’re late and I know he'll say something that sets off Emily and then I have to go home and deal with her being inconsolable. So I push too hard sometimes to get my wife to understand that her fucking pig does not need to change into a sweater to be comfortable for two hours!
(MUSIC: Melody stops abruptly again.)
FR. BEN: Her Pig?
(MUSIC: Begins again.)
TOM: (SIGHS) Yes. We have pig. Well, a mini pig. Emily had this idea that getting a tiny pig she could take everywhere would be very cute and different and fun.
FR. BEN: I take it you're not a fan of the pig?
TOM: I mean I didn't have an issue at first. Cute pet that makes her happy, but there are actually 3 big secrets about mini pigs nobody tells you when you throw down $5,000 dollars to bring one home. Mini pigs are not cheap, mini pigs are not cuddly, and mini pigs are not mini.
FR. BEN: Not mini? How big is the pig?
(MUSIC: The melody becomes more driving and strings are added in.)
TOM: (DISGUSTED CHUCKLE) 200 pounds.
FR. BEN: Yeah that's... a lot of pig
TOM: (CLEARLY EXCITED NOW) You're telling me! Our whole life revolves around this guy now. We even had to move out of our apartment so he could have his own room. Oh and he hates me. Did you know pigs are like... competitive? The vet said they have alpha tendencies, so they want to establish dominance. This guy comes into my house 3 years ago no bigger than a paper bag and even then he'd try and push me around. Now he's basically my rival since we're the about same size.
FR. BEN: What does that look like?
(MUSIC: The melody ends.)
(SFX: The sound of the confessional is replaced by a snarling pig moving about a room.)
TOM: So his main move is to find something I'll leave around. Like an important paper or my wallet or something. And he'll just knock it on the floor and sit on it, motionless. I'll come in the room and I'll see it peeking out from under his massive butt and, I swear to you, he looks at me with these cold, hateful eyes. Emily says I exaggerate about the looks but I swear that pig is a master manipulator and she doesn't see it.
FR. BEN: What do you mean?
(SFX: The pig continues to snarl at Tom. Tom rustles through the apartment and opens a door.)
TOM: Like the other day my wallet was missing and I'm looking everywhere and I swore I left it on the table. I go into our bedroom to look and of course there's old David sitting next to my end-table and my wallet is nowhere to be seen. So I try and wrestle him to move but he resists. He, like... settles himself in like a glacier. So I go to get Emily, because I know he'll move for her and when we get to the room…
EMILY: (EXCITED) Hi David!
(SFX: The pig happily snuffs at Emily.)
TOM: …my wallet's suddenly back on the table. I looked back at that pig and I swear to you he smiled.
(SFX: Emily lets out a disaffected groan).
TOM: It kills me because she thinks I'm making stuff up and says stuff like, "Are you sure this is really about David?" and of course it is but when you ask that question then it's not about David anymore it's about you not realizing how insane it is to keep a sociopathic pig in your house!
(SFX: Tom pauses to breathe heavily for a moment. The ambiance of the church returns.)
TOM: And so, yeah I sometimes get bent out of shape and will fight with Emily and then she'll get bummed out and then I get bummed out. It truly sucks man.
FR. BEN: I see... this definitely sounds like a challenging situation for both of you.
TOM: Ya think?
FR. BEN: (LAUGHS OFF THE RUDENESS) Yeah I guess that's obvious. But I think it's important to recognize how you're dealing with it. You said this isn't pleasant and your typical arguments aren't just about David, so what do they look like?
TOM: I mean one of us gets annoyed and then we both get annoyed and argue. OK I get pissed and then she takes it too seriously and we argue.
FR. BEN: Alright, but what is actually said between you?
TOM: I mean our fights are pretty short.
(SFX: We hear keys rustling and Tom enter his apartment. The TV is on in the background.)
TOM: Like the other day I came home a little late from work, because it's the last day of the month at the dealership. I get home and she and David are both on the couch.
(SFX: The door slams shut.)
EMILY: Hi Honey!
TOM: So right there I'm pissed, because like I said he's pretty huge and takes up like half the couch, and I just want nothing more than to sit and relax since it's been a long day. So I go and I say "Move, David," to the pig just trying to show who's in charge since he's got that dominant attitude. And she says to me in a tone thats just like her asshole Dad:
EMILY: You know, he responds better to positive reinforcement.
TOM: And that pisses me off because I don't want to give this guy anything positive for sitting on my couch and she knows it. So I kinda try to move him in that moment which is futile because, like I said, the dude can set his body like a sumo wrestler. He lets out this totally pretend whine…
(SFX: Tom wrestles with David, who lets out a loud whine.)
TOM: …and of course Emily is like:
EMILY: get your hands off him!" So I say, "I can move him off my couch if I want," and Emily and I both know I literally could not get this guy to move if I tried. So I give up and I try to ask Emily to get him to move but she actually just turns to me so cold and just says:
EMILY: No.
TOM: And so I just sit on the floor in front of the couch. It's ridiculous if you can picture just me sitting there on the floor. My wife and this pig on the couch watching Top Chef. And if you'd believe it, they had everyone working with bacon that night too.
(SFX: The television gets louder with Tom, as a TV host says Bacon alongside him. Then we get the sound of a knife cut, like in Top Chef, cutting the environmental sound again.)
FR. BEN: I see. Tom I gotta be honest here, I'm listening to you and looking for a confession, but I haven't actually heard you own up to anything yet.
TOM: Uh. What do you mean? I told you, I'm here because I yell at Emily. Like I know I can get bent out of shape when it comes to that pig. I mean it's not as if we didn't argue before, but it was better.
FR. BEN: How were things before?
TOM: They were just easier. I'd come home we'd watch a movie, no effort! We could leave whenever we want and stay out as long as we want. I mean, we'd still have to deal with the Judge, but it was simpler. And the best was Emily just got me. She was super chill and up for anything and would listen. Now she's so focused on David that it's like everything else takes second fiddle and that's bullshit.
FR. BEN: (CLEARLY FED UP) Tom, can you cut the cursing? We're still in church.
TOM: Oh shoot yeah sorry, got carried away.
FR. BEN: That's fine, I appreciate it. So why do you think bringing David into your lives has changed your marriage with Emily so much?
TOM: Because he's a 200 pound truck with no respect.
FR. BEN: But what has having this pig done to Emily?
(MUSIC: A keyboard melody begins softly to play.)
TOM: I mean, it's put her more on edge. She's worried constantly about the pig. She wants to make sure it has exercise so she runs around with it 3 times a day, she knows it gets cold in the winter so she's constantly switching out it's sweaters, the pig eats a TON, so that's a hassle, she has to bathe it, and when we leave she needs to make sure it's set up with entertainment so it doesn't get bored and destructive. We've already lost a bunch of furniture that way...
FR. BEN: Wait does Emily... do everything for David?
TOM: (DEFENSIVE) I mean yeah.
FR. BEN: Oh come on Tom, you have to see that that's messed up.
TOM: It's her pig! Like look I got her this because she wanted it and I thought it'd make her happy, but it's her pig. And anyway it hates me. If I look at the pig in the wrong way it huffs at me. It huffs, father!
FR. BEN: OK look... I don't mean to tell you how to live your life but...
TOM: (INTERRUPTING WITH A CHUCKLE) I mean isn't that kind of your job?
FR. BEN: (SIGH) I mean, not exactly, but yes what I want to do here is figure out with you how you actually want to be better. You've said that losing your patience and yelling at your wife is wrong, and that's true.
TOM: And you said I haven't confessed anything!
FR. BEN: (CUTTING HIM OFF) But, every time you talk about it you excuse yourself and wind up blaming it on Emily or David anyways. The hairiest part of this process is ownership. No buts or becauses; you are the one messing up, Tom, and you have to admit it to yourself before you can do anything about it.
TOM: (CHUCKLES) Come on, Father Ben! I came here to get this off my chest and lighten the load on my soul a little. I appreciate the offer for free therapy, but if I wanted that I have health insurance.
FR. BEN: I understand that, Tom, and we can end here if you want. But I want to be clear, this is not therapy. My job is to identify the sins folks bring to me and guide them to resolve and move on. You're smart enough to know my mystical hand wave of absolution isn't going to stop you from getting annoyed and it's not going to make it so you didn't make the decision to adopt David. You're being prodded constantly with regret. You thought you were buying a tiny pig and now you have something the size of an adult person right in the middle of your marriage.
TOM: You can say that again.
FR. BEN: That's very difficult to deal with and I think anyone in your position would get frustrated at times. It's totally understandable! But only to a point. The thing I'm feeling from you fairly strongly is resentment. Yes for David but also for... Tom, let me ask you something, do you love Emily?
TOM: What the hell kind of question is that?! Do I love my wife? Of course I do - she's amazing. Sure, I get pissed at her sometimes, and David gets between us, but yeah I love her more than anything.
FR. BEN: I'm sorry that question was so blunt, but it seems to a degree that, for you, the only reason David is still in your life is Emily and I definitely sense some resentment about that. Am I wrong?
TOM: What? I... um... I mean I don't think it's like... OK I guess I do resent her for it, a little. But that's normal stuff, we'll get through it.
FR. BEN: Will you? It's obvious that David isn't going anywhere and I'm honestly worried that unchecked you will only get more resentful.
TOM: What do you want from me Father? I think I'm doing my best over here.
FR. BEN: I know you're in a tough spot Tom but what do you honestly want from your marriage?
TOM: (SCOFFS) To get rid of David.
FR. BEN: Tough luck, Tom. What else?
TOM: I mean, all I want is for it to be like it was before. Easier. For Emily not to be stressed all the time and for me to not get frustrated dealing with this thing in my way. But you're right, there is no going back with David in the picture.
FR. BEN: Well no... I didn't say that. Of course it won't be exactly the same. David is a part of your life now... part of your marriage, honestly, and I think that's something you need to accept.
TOM: I wish I didn't.
FR. BEN: Well, you do. You said Emily is being pushed a bit to her limit taking care of David, right? I mean if raising him is causing this much stress on you, who isn't lifting a damn finger, imagine being Emily. Doing all of this work on her own on top of worrying about you. Have you thought about your responsibility there?
TOM: I've already said that it's her pig.
FR. BEN: But it's your marriage, Tom, and taking care of David is a part of that. Understanding and accepting that is the only way you're really going to get both of you closer together. Do you see what I mean?
TOM: (SKEPTICAL) OK so it's my pig too. You think if I walk David sometimes things will suddenly go back to how they were?
FR. BEN: Obviously it's deeper than that, but to be honest it's a start and frankly a good penance for you. I'd like you to walk David once a day - without Emily. Spend time with him and take it easy.
TOM: That's rich.
(MUSIC: More instruments start to creep in over the keyboard. Guitars vamping slowly.)
FR. BEN: And if I were you? I'd take Emily's advice and be constructive with him, use treats or whatever you do to positively reinforce a pig. As you said, he's not going to let you push him around anyway, so what's the harm in trying? Other than that, I hope you'll consider coming back to confession in a couple of weeks. Does that sound acceptable to you?
TOM: I don't know Father, that's asking a lot. I'll see what I can do though.
FR. BEN: That's all I can ask. Just remember the goal of this is to connect with David. Embracing this pig as part of your life is the only way to have the space for Emily too.
TOM: Sure.
FR. BEN: Is there anything else Tom?
TOM: Nope, that'll do it.
FR. BEN: Ok. Would you like to say some words of contrition?
(MUSIC: A full church band begins to play.)
TOM: God, I'm sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong...
(MUSIC: The song plays for a moment before fading.)
FR. BEN: ... and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
TOM: Amen. Thanks Father Ben. I'll see you soon.
FR. BEN: See you soon Tom.
(MUSIC: The band plays for a moment longer before ending, shifting to the Forgive Me! credit song.)
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. It was written by Jack Marone and Bob Raymonda.
It was directed by Christie Donato and Bob Raymonda.
Sound design, mix, and score by Me! Adam Raymonda.
Here’s our cast:
Casey Callaghan Father Ben
Derek Powell Tom
and that has been…
Caroline Mincks Emily
All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.
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Ok ok ok… outright seeking and soliciting validation is probably a sin... so I’ll plan to go confess with Father Ben later.
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(MUSIC: Gets louder for a moment as a singer proclaims: Oh won’t you forgive me!? before ending.)