Episode 1.01 transcript - “The simple joy of it”

ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Would not be possible without our generous parishioners. 

First up, a big thank you to Ponders for organizing a St. Patrick’s Beach Day! We all had such a nice time lounging in the Sun together. I’m not so sure that the League of Decency would approve of how revealing some of the attendee’s bathing suits were, but we all have to forgive right? 

Next, thank you to Girl Blue for hosting a musical retreat last weekend for the musicians in our community. We did have concerns about how many members of this church wanted to learn your song “Drunk” because well… it’s a little secular. But anyway, thank you so much!

[MUSIC: Forgive Me! theme plays.]

[SFX: Margaret walks into the Church in a huff with rustling bags. The sliding door of a confessional booth opens. Her things rustle as she takes a seat.]

MARGARET: (SLIGHTLY OUT OF BREATH) Okay. In the name of the father, son and holy spirit. Forgive me father for I have sinned. It's been one week since my last confession.

FR. BEN: May the Lord bless you, what would you like to confess today?

MARGARET: Excuse me, I'm sorry...

FR. BEN: For what?

MARGARET: There must be some kind of mix-up. This is my weekly time to confess to Father Klem. Is he on vacation or something? I swear I checked the bulletin.

FR. BEN: Oh, I'm so sorry the news hasn't made it to you yet. Father Klem suffered a heart attack.

MARGARET: Heavens to Betsy! When did it happen?

FR. BEN: I only know so much but it was a few days ago. But I don't know if it's my place to say anything more that-

MARGARET: (INTERRUPTING) Was it at the doughnut festival?

FR. BEN: How did you know?

MARGARET: Klem and hi doughnuts. I've been telling him for years they'd be the death of him. He's a good man but a dolt when it comes to his health.

FR. BEN: That's not a terribly kind thing to say about a man who just went through something like this.

MARGARET: Father, the man's got Type II and high blood-pressure to boot, but you try telling him he shouldn't inhale 30 doughnuts in one sitting and it'll go in one ear and out the other. I tell him gluttony is a sin even when it's for charity but all I get is hand waving. How bad is he?

FR. BEN: I hear he's in rough shape but fully stable. I've yet to meet with him myself.

MARGARET: (SIGHS) Maybe now he'll finally listen now...

[MUSIC: Bouncy keyboard and drum music begins to play.]

MARGARET: Well, thanks for the update. Nice to meet you Father...?

[SFX: Margaret begins to gather her things and stand.]

FR. BEN: Ben. Are you leaving?

MARGARET: Yes, I'm headed home now.

FR. BEN: You know, I'm going to be working at the parish in Fr. Klem's absence and would be happy to hear your confession.

MARGARET: That's very sweet of you dear, but I'll pass.

FR. BEN: No really, you came all this way and I'm happy to do it. I understand you have a relationship with Fr. Klem but I’m sure...

MARGARET: Look. You need to understand I've been going to confession every week for the past 6 decades. It's not like I can just pick up and start with some... substitute priest. I have a certain standard of efficiency I've come to expect.

FR. BEN: Efficiency?

MARGARET: Say what you will about the old German, but Fr. Klem runs this confessional like a Volkswagen assembly line. He's precise, hits all the right notes and has you in, out, and absolved faster than you can say an Our Father. Masses, weddings, and even funerals are all the same too. No frills. I swear, the only excess for this man was his damned doughnut festival. Not surprised one bit his pet act of frivolity is what's done him in.

[MUSIC: The song ends.]

FR. BEN: Uh...a lot to unpack there. Can I ask, why is it that you feel that.

[SFX: Margaret takes two anxious steps.]

MARGARET: Oh Jimminy Cricket!

FR. BEN: Excuse me?

MARGARET: (ANNOYED) Forgive me. With Fr. Klem my confession is timed so I can get dropped off, confess, and be back on the bus by the time it comes back around. We've already been sitting here gossiping longer than my standard confession and I'm going to miss the damn thing! Looks like you've bought yourself another 15 minutes. Let's give it a shot.

[SFX: Margaret steps back into the booth and settles herself back into the char.]

FR. BEN: (CONFUSED, FINDING HIS FOOTING) Um. Alright... want to take it from the top?

FR. BEN AND MARGARET: In the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy spirit.

FR. BEN: How long has it been since your last confession?

MARGARET: I said it's been a week. Pardon my age, but didn't I just tell you I'm here every week at this time? Is making me repeat myself some kind of pre-emptive penance?

FR. BEN: Ok yes. No, uh. So-Sorry I was just trying to reset like I just said a second ago we can...

MARGARET: (INTERRUPTING) Relax, relax, I'm just messing with you. I guess that's a first place to start with my confession. I teased an anxious, defensive young substitute priest.

FR. BEN: Is that an actual confession?

MARGARET: Come on dear, I know you're trying your best here and I don't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm sure you're a good young man. But you should try and get a thicker skin if you're going to deal with the people in this town.

FR. BEN: Alright, thanks for the feedback.

MARGARET: Where are you coming from by the way? This your first assignment?

FR. BEN: No actually, I transferred here after serving a parish over in Binghamton.

MARGARET: (SCOFFING) You've gotta be kidding me. Now I told you this was a waste of time.

FR. BEN: What's wrong with Binghamton?

MARGARET: What ISN'T wrong with Binghamton. The whole big city life? Not for me. Sorry kid but I don't see how they thought this could work.

FR. BEN: Have you ever been there?

MARGARET: What? To Binghamton? Of course not.

FR. BEN: Not to overstep, but perhaps you're pre-judging a bit?

MARGARET: Pish posh... let's get to this before I miss my bus again.

FR. BEN: Understood. What else would you like to confess?

MARGARET: Oh, you know, the usual.

FR. BEN: And what's the usual?

MARGARET: (PAINED) See! This is why it's a hassle to not have Klem around. Now I have to re-explain half my week. Once you get used to a shorthand with somebody it's not like you can start back at square one.

FR. BEN: Hold on— to clarify here, your standard confession consists of you rushing into the church and telling the priest you're confessing to "the usual" like you're a regular at a diner?

MARGARET: I mean, I am a regular at Pat's on main and do have a usual.

[SFX: The ambient noises of a busy diner creep in.]

MARGARET: Two eggs over medium with ham and a cup of half-caf with an ice cube because it doesn't matter how many times I complain Pat has to serve his damned coffee at a temperature hotter than hell itself!

[SFX: The diner sounds disappear.]

FR. BEN: Good to know. What does this have to do with your weekly confessions?

MARGARET: Look, when you get to my age and have lived here as long as I have you start to have a usual everywhere you go. I have a usual diner order, a usual haircut, a usual bench at the park that faces away from the path and stares directly at a tree so I can read my book and not deal with every nosy person who walks by. I don't see why confession should be any different and don't try and peg me with the whole "if you meant it you wouldn't do it again." Nonsense.

FR. BEN: Fair enough, I'll be sure to leave the judgement to God going forward.

MARGARET: Smart kid.

FR. BEN: But still, I'd appreciate it if you could tell me what you mean by "the usual" at confession. I'm probably going to be here for a while so it would be helpful for both of us.

MARGARET: (SIGHS) Alright, may as well explain it now so I don't have to again. I have what you might call a minor theft problem.

FR. BEN: Oh...I see. How long has this been going on?

MARGARET: Longer than you've been alive I think. 

FR. BEN: You called the the thefts minor. What makes you say that?

MARGARET: Well, I only steal little things folks wouldn’t notice are gone, at least not right away. And I never steal from individual people, just shops or grocery stores or banks.

FR. BEN: You steal from banks?

[MUSIC: Bouncy strings and keys begin to play.]

MARGARET: It's not what you're thinking! The things I'm stealing are so small it's barely an issue.

[SFX: The clacking keys of a typewriter, a phone ringing, and a busy office sound through the following monologue.]

MARGARET: I remember the first thing I took was 30 years ago. I was working as writer at the old Journal when this town still had a paper and I needed to turn in a story. The editor was a real stickler for a specific quality and would make a real show if you handed her something that was in the wrong font, had the wrong spacing or, in my case, if the pages weren't stapled.

YOUNGER MARGARET: My stapler, where’s my stapler!

[SFX: The sound of rustling papers drawers being opened..]

YOUNGER MARGARET: What did I do with it?

MARGARET: I had left my stapler at home and was panicking; bracing to be publicly shamed in front of the whole staff for my mistake.

YOUNGER MARGARET: Oh my god, what am I gonna do?! Oh!

[SFX: Footsteps approach.]

MARGARET: Moments before my meeting with my editor I noticed a stack of old articles on my coworker John's desk, and sitting there, right on top of them, was his stapler.

[SFX: Sound of a stapler.]

YOUNGER MARGARET: He won’t know. No, he won’t know.

MARGARET: In a life-changing moment of boldness I stole it, saving my reputation and igniting something in me I never knew was there in the first place.

YOUNGER MARGARET: I gotta do it, I gotta do it, I gotta-

CO-WORKER: Hey Margaret, are you coming?!

YOUNGER MARGARET: OKay, I’ll be right there, I promise, I’ll be right there!

[SFX: Margaret continues to mutter.]

YOUNGER MARGARET: Oh, John…

[MUSIC: The music fades.]

FR. BEN: Couldn't you have just asked John to borrow his stapler?

MARGARET: I'm sorry Father, I was under the assumption that this is my confession? Anyway John was on vacation or in the bathroom or something, look it was 30 years ago and I don't remember all the specifics.

FR. BEN: Of course, please continue.

MARGARET: Anyway, taking that stapler was a massive moment for me and really transformed the way I lived my life. It changed my whole outlook on things! What's that expression? Seize the day? Well that's what I started doing. But instead of the day, I was seizing one of those tiny packs of tissues at the grocery store. Still, I made a rule for myself that I'd only take things when I needed them and only things nobody would miss.

FR. BEN: I'm sure it's very tempting to do something that lets you feel more in control. Especially if there isn't anyone immediately affected by your actions. I take it that this has continued though? You have a habit of stealing a thing or two between confessions.

MARGARET: Not exactly. Things, um, intensified after a couple of months. What started to happen is there would be moments I'd be somewhere like the supermarket and realize there was nothing I needed to steal but I still felt compelled to slip something into my bag.

FR. BEN: I see.

MARGARET: I'd find myself before I'd head out to go run errands trying to trick myself into forgetting something like a hair-tie or a my chap stick just so I could get the high of a score to solve the problem. I'd try my best to lose track of things around the house but my husband, rest his soul, was such an organized son of a gun that things would be back in their place before I'd even have a chance to lose them. It was torture, and totally defeating the purpose of why I started in the first place!

FR. BEN: I can imagine why that'd be frustrating.

MARGARET: Then 8 years ago, when Frank passed and I had nobody to stop me, I just gave in and started stealing for nothing more than the simple joy of it.

FR. BEN: I'm sorry for your loss.

MARGARET: I appreciate that son but old Frank passed a long time ago now, so why don't we keep it moving.

FR. BEN: Alright. So is that where things are at now? What exactly are you stealing and how often?

MARGARET: Well I haven't expanded beyond little things and I've really focused on the grocery store.

[SFX: The sound of a rattling cart and a beeping checkout creep in.]

MARGARET: There are just so many items around I can easily get away with lifting. Basically, for the last 29 or so years I go to the supermarket twice a week. I buy tomato juice, oatmeal, and the next 4 days worth of healthy option frozen meals, and in the process I rotate between 5 different items I can easily steal.

[SFX: A freezer door closes.]

FR. BEN: What are they?

MARGARET: Well like I said those little tissue packs, chap stick, packs of gum, value size, not the ones by the counter, too easy to be spotted, then the mayonnaise in the squeezable tube, and condoms.

FR. BEN: Condoms?

MARGARET: Yeah to throw off the scent. Nobody's expecting old Margaret to be taking condoms. Plus if you cut them up they make great rubber bands.

FR. BEN: And you're doing this twice a week? Somebody must have noticed by now.

MARGARET: Well you’d think that, wouldn't you? But no. I'm good, damn good. I go on my trips during busy times when an older woman like myself goes unnoticed. I push around a cart real slow with my bag unzipped…

[SFX: A bag unzipping.]

MARGARET: and nobody even looks at me. It's a perfect crime. In out and nobody gets hurt.

[SFX: The sound of the grocery store fades away.]

FR. BEN: I know we just met but I think you know this isn't a victimless crime. I understand the temptation but even though you don't see the affects doesn't mean they aren't there. Stealing is a sin for a reason.

MARGARET: I know it's a "sin", Father, why the hell else do you think I'm here?

FR. BEN: I mean, you don't seem very remorseful. Don't you worry about the impact that your actions have on others?

MARGARET: Spoken like a true post-Vatican II baby. No, I'm not remorseful. The Lord has rules and I understand that stealing is against them, but that's why I come here. It's a straightforward thing, kid.

FR. BEN: You have to know your actions are affecting someone. There has to be someone.

[SFX: Downbeat piano music begins to play.]

MARGARET: Well there was Frank... He found me out one day and it killed him. I think he had this idea in his head of me and it really disappointed him to see me do that.

FR. BEN: I’m- I'm sorry to hear that, it had to have been hard for you.

MARGARET: Yeah, I remember the fight still, he just didn't get it. We both were making a good living, why would I do such a thing? I didn't have a good answer but I promised I'd stop. (LAUGHS) But I never did, but I did get damn good at hiding stuff!

FR. BEN: So you lied to him?

MARGARET: Oh it was a white lie, it hurt him to think I was behaving like some vagrant and so I hid the stuff from him and we lived happily. Part of me thinks he knew I kept stealing but he just didn't want to say it.

FR. BEN: Well what about now? You said it's become more of a routine at the grocery store. What about those employees there? Don't you think that it’s possible...

MARGARET: (INTERRUPTING) Yeah, yeah, obviously they notice the things are gone. That's why I do the rotation. I hear the kids stocking shelves talking about it. Some of them even think the store is haunted! Would you believe that?

FR. BEN: That's pretty wild, Margaret.

[MUSIC: The score fades out.]

MARGARET: Isn't it!? And I know the management there put together a little task force a couple months ago to figure where the items are going. They had this sweet kid named Mitch stationed over the tissue packs for a whole week, but little did they know it was gum and condoms week in my rotation.

FR. BEN: A task force? Couldn't they have checked the security tapes?

MARGARET: You'd think that, wouldn't you? I'm pretty sure they wound up pinning the whole thing on Mitch and stopped asking questions for a time. I stayed away from tissues until the smoke cleared.

FR. BEN: Wait, what?

MARGARET: Yeah I know it's been exhausting I've been buying the full boxes and carry around folded up tissues in empty condom boxes.

FR. BEN: Huh? No not about the tissues. That employee, Mitch. You said he got in trouble because of your stealing?

MARGARET: Yeah, I heard a couple of the other kids talking about it. Now they think there's some massive coverup and Mitch was the fall guy. Not the brightest group.

FR. BEN: So, what you're saying is, because of your actions somebody lost their job. How do you feel about that?

MARGARET: Oh kid, I don't know. I mean he's young and he'll land on his feet. It's not like that was what I was trying to do. He's a nice kid but maybe a little too quick to lend a hand. I'm not dead you know, I can reach a frozen meal on the top shelf without assistance, but still I appreciated that he offer. He'll be fine, though. Like I said he's a good boy, not my intention.

FR. BEN: Margaret, I know you have to get that it's wrong that your actions caused him to lose his job,

MARGARET: (STUBBORN) Yes, I know it's wrong so I confess it to get absolved and have a clean slate. that's it. [BEAT] What do you want me to say? That I roll around in bed at night thinking of poor young Mitch who's now gotta mow lawns instead of bagging groceries? Are you hoping for some kind of tell tale tissues situation?! Sorry to disappoint, kiddo. That's not how I work.

FR. BEN: (SIGHS) I’m sorry if I touched a nerve there. I'm only trying to say confession is about acknowledging your failings as a person to move forward with God. But it's hard for me to absolve you of something if you don't own up to the consequences of your actions.

MARGARET: (ANGRY) Hold on now Father, you're not going to absolve me? That's the whole point! You think I come here for thrilling conversation?

FR. BEN: Alright, alright. Let's work something out here. I need you to at least explore this a little more, to come to grips with how you feel. I'm going to give you some penance that I think will be a good start. if you're willing to accept I'll complete the sacrament.

MARGARET: (STILL FUMING) You young priests are all the same with your bespoke ideas of how I can win back God's favor. Give it a year, 5 at most, and you'll be dolling out Hail Mary's just like everyone else. But in the meantime, why not complicate this old woman's peaceful happy life to satisfy your personal delusions of wisdom? OK son, what's your sentence?

[MUSIC: Ambient music starts to play underneath their conversation.]

FR. BEN: All I'm hoping is that you can take this opportunity to reach out. You said it yourself, your actions aren't victimless. I'm not foolish enough to think you'll stop, but I do think you could find other ways to help these folks. Your penance is just to connect with Mitch somehow. Put in a good word for him at the supermarket or something, help him out. You don't need to admit anything, just talk to the store and maybe they'll to a loyal customer like you.

MARGARET: I don't know... I like to keep a low profile over there and this seems like a bit of a liability.

FR. BEN: Do you want absolution or not?

MARGARET: Alright, alright - if I don't say yes we'll end up being here till I miss 5 more busses.

FR. BEN: Great, please say the act of contrition and I'll absolve you. Repeat after me.

MARGARET: Look kid, I’ve got this. My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart…

[SFX: Sound trails off as the prayer starts.]

[MUSIC: Ambient music becomes a full band, organ focused tune.]

FR. BEN: ...through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

MARGARET: Amen. Same time next week Fr. Ben? See you then, and hope it'll be a bit quicker.

[SFX: Margaret rustles with the confessional door as she gets up to leave.]

FR. BEN: (LONG EXHALING SIGH) Lord, what have I gotten myself into?

[MUSIC: Organ begins to creep in before turning into the much more upbeat, full band credits music.]

ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. It was written and directed by Jack Marone and Bob Raymonda. Sound design, mix, and score by Me! Adam Raymonda.

Here’s our cast:

Ann Rhodes Sweet Margaret

Casey Callaghan Father Ben

All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.

So hey! Did you like the show? If you did - go subscribe to it or follow it on your favorite podcast player. If you REALLY enjoyed it rate and review it on Apple Podcasts or Podchaser. Forgive Me! is a brand new show so every rating and review helps out a ton. If you’ve got a minute, send this episode off to a friend or family member who might enjoy it! Margaret won't appreciate the fact that you’re spreading her gossip all over the town, but we certainly will. 

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You can get access to episodes of this show a week in advance as well as a whole bunch of other content that we have planned out for you. This week you can read a bit about the process of making the show in director’s notes from Jack.

No matter what, thanks for listening. New episodes release on the last Friday of every month. So we’ll meet you back here on September 25th! See you then.

[MUSIC: Credits music gets loud again.]

SINGER: Oh won’t you forgive me?!