Episode 1.00 transcript - “For i have sinned”

[MUSIC: Forgive Me! theme plays.]

JUSTICE WALTERS: Forgive me father,

MARGARET: for I have sinned,

TOM: it’s been six month,

CLARA: since my last confession.

FATHER BEN: What would you like to confess today?

MARGARET: Oh, you know, the usual.

[MUSIC: A bouncy, contemplative keyboard song begins.]

JUSTICE WALTERS: I have decades of failings I could recap here.

CLARA: Today, I want to confess the worst thing I have ever done.

FATHER BEN: Uh, okay— a lot to unpack here…

TOM: I can be kind of a crap husband.

OLIVIA: I took eight years of my life and lit it on fire in a matter of five hours.

JUSTICE WALTERS: Suddenly I’m confronted with this individual with his hands in my daughter’s back pocket. So I did what any self respecting father would do.

CLARA: Uh… (NERVOUS LAUGHTER)… I um… lightly dosed his gatorade with a powerful laxative. (DEEP BREATH IN)

[SFX: A swoosh sound.]

SHANNON: And I guess sorry for making out in the confessional?

FATHER BEN: Your standard confession consists of you telling the priest you’re confessing to the usual, like a regular in a diner?

MARGARET: I am a regular at Pat’s on Main. I don’t see why confession should be any different?

[SFX: Another swoosh sound.]

CLARA: But since confession is about talking directly to God, I thought he had a right to know what you’ve done.

FATHER BEN: What I’ve done? What did I do?!

CLARA: Are you kidding?!

[SFX: Another swoosh sound.]

FATHER BEN: Do you love Emily?

TOM: What the hell kinda question is that?

OLIVIA: Well? Give me something, Benny!

MARGARET: You’re not going to absolve me? That’s the whole point!

FATHER BEN: You’re sitting here trying to absolve yourself, but please leave the sacrament to the professionals.

JUSTICE WALTERS: Seriously, where do you get off talking to me like this?

[SFX: Father Ben clears his throat, someone in the background reacts.}

FATHER BEN: Excuse me?

JENNA: Ahh! What the BEEP? Who’s there?

CLARA: But never, EVER, has anyone had the AUDACITY to approve something so PREPOSTEROUS as YOUTH PARTICIPATION!

[MUSIC: Keyboard trails off before turning into a quick guitar strum / drumbeat.]

FATHER BEN: Alright, alright. Let’s let’s work something out here. I’m going to give you some penance that I think will be a good start. If you’re willing to accept, I’ll complete the sacrament.

MARGARET: Give it a year, five at most, and you’ll be doling out Hail Marys like everyone else. Okay son, what’s your sentence?

[MUSIC: Organ begins to creep in before turning into the credits music.]

ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! A new podcast sitcom from Rogue Dialogue, coming August 2020. Find out more by following @ForgiveMeShow on social media, or by heading over to roguedialogue.com.

[MUSIC: Credits music ends, organ rings out.]

TOM: I came here to get this off my chest and lighten the load on my soul a little. I appreciate the offer for free therapy, but if I wanted that I have health insurance.