Episode transcript - “St. Patrick’s Day special: Oops! All snakes!”

[MUSIC: Forgive Me! opening theme music plays, but this time: more bagpipes than organ.]

CURTIS: (deep breath in and out) Okay, Curtis… You’ve got this. It’s simple: you provided a service, and they owe you an agreed-upon compensation for said service. All you have to do is walk through that door and ask the nice man for your check.

[SFX: Curtis wraps his knuckles on a door one, two, three times. Slowly.]

FR. BEN: (from across the door, blissfully ignorant) Come on in!

[SFX: Curtis takes one more deep breath, before turning the knob, and walking confidently into the room. The vibe shifts immediately.]

FR. BEN: (short) Curtis. You’re just about the last person I expected to walk through my door.

CURTIS: Hello, Father. You’re looking great today! Did you get a new one of those collar thingies? 

FR. BEN: (short) No, I did not.

CURTIS: Well, whatever you’re doing differently? It’s working for you. Also, can I just say how nice it is to see you again?

FR. BEN: That goes for one of us. But come in, come in. Have a seat.

[SFX: Curtis gently sets down a gym bag and sits.]

FR. BEN: So. How can I help you today?

CURTIS: First things first, let me just say: thank you so much for giving me a moment of your time this morning. I know how busy you must be, preparing for Sunday’s sermon or offering counsel to one of our many good friends and neighbors. You’re such a kind, reasonable man. That’s something I’ve always appreciated about you, for as long as I’ve known you.

FR. BEN: I’m flattered… Please continue.

CURTIS: It’s just… I like to think that a kind, reasonable man such as yourself can look at a day like this past Saturday, and see through to the beating heart of the situation. You see, I’m absolutely the first person to admit that some… unfortunate mistakes were made, and I have no problem being held accountable for said mistakes. But, you see, at the end of the day: no one was actually hurt, and I provided a service to the St. Patrick’s St. Patrick’s Day Festival. I think it’s only fair that I be compensated for said service.

FR. BEN: (bursts out laughing before he realizes suddenly that Curtis is serious) You have to be kidding me. Right? This isn’t a serious request. It couldn’t be.

CURTIS: Well, no, sir. I’m not. It takes a lot of work wrangling that many snakes and it’s not something I do out of the kindness of my heart.

FR. BEN: Do you know how many phone calls I’ve had to deal with this week, from parents absolutely besides themselves with rage? I’ve had families threaten to pull out of the parish. To spend their time worshipping at St. Anthony’s and Joseph’s instead.

CURTIS: That seems like a bit of an overreaction if you ask me.

FR. BEN: Frankly, I didn’t ask you. I also didn’t call the police on you, which is what many other sane people in my position would’ve done. In fact, what some of those very same callers are insisting I still do.

CURTIS: You have to understand, you’re putting me in an impossible situation, Father.

FR. BEN: Tough. Any restitution agreed upon by you and our *grits teeth* activities coordinators was forfeited the second that the first snake got loose. Not to mention the second. Or the twelfth.

CURTIS: I’m pretty sure I heard at least one or two of the parents talking about how educational the experience was afterward! That has to count for something!

FR. BEN: Janelle and Nick were being sarcastic, Curtis.

CURTIS: I have it on good authority that Nick had a boa constrictor of his own when we were in elementary school!

FR. BEN: I fail to see what that has to do with anything.

CURTIS: Well, it’s just… if he said that he was at all scared, that’s bullshit. Because that dude loves snakes. More than anyone in the world. Even more than me.

FR. BEN: While I know most people weren’t thrilled with the experience, it’s not particularly the adults that I’m worried about right now.

CURTIS: Oh, who, the kids? C’mon! The kids had a great time! You remember that one girl, Bella? She had so many questions. And she wasn’t afraid of anything. She even helped me catch half the little buggers once they were on the run!

FR. BEN: Speaking of running, that’s the first thing you did when it happened. Out the door. Leaving me, Fr. Klem, Clara, and the kids to deal with your mess! 

CURTIS: I wasn’t running away, I was running toward! Toward my van! Where I had forgotten all of the tools I needed to deal with that exact situation!

FR. BEN: (can’t help but chuckle) I mean, seriously man… what kind of licensed reptile handler is that petrified of his own snakes? Aren’t cold-blooded creatures like, your whole personality or something? Isn’t that what Curtis’ Critters is all about?

CURTIS: (defeated) Gosh, reading about them on the internet is one thing, but actually handling one of those squirly little buggers? That’s a whole different ballgame.

FR. BEN: Excuse me?!

CURTIS: (guilty laugh, realizing his mistake too late) Err.. yeah. That license that I showed to Fr. Klem? I kinda just had my sister’s kid throw it together for me. She’s so good at Photoshop, isnt she!? A real talent.

FR. BEN: (a deep, angry breath) Oh, Curtis. You’re making it harder and harder for me, by the minute, to understand how on earth you expected to walk in here and get a single red cent out of me?

CURTIS: You’re just such a kind and reasonable…

FR. BEN: Yes, I’m a very kind and reasonable man. You’ve made that very clear. And yet, you put the children of my congregation in harm’s way. Little Suzy has already had to see her therapist, Dr. Robert Belfrey, three times this week after your python wrapped himself up around her!

CURTIS: (proud) That’s just Randy, he loves hugs.

FR. BEN: Unfortunately for him, Suzy does not.

CURTIS: I don’t entirely understand why she was at a snake demonstration in the first place, then…

FR. BEN: She wasn’t at a snake demonstration. She was at St. Patrick’s St. Patrick’s Day Festival. She was busy decorating paper four-leaf clovers in the corner when your precious Randy got his slippery mits on her!

CURTIS: (genuinely shocked) I’m sorry, Fr. Ben, but you know that snakes don’t have hands, right?

FR. BEN: Of course, snakes don’t have hands!

CURTIS: Woof, good. For a second there, I really thought you made it to your thirties believing that snakes are just out there dragging themselves by tiny little hands hanging off their bodies… and that would just be ridiculous.

FR. BEN: Why would you think that?!

CURTIS: I mean, you talked a big game about Randy’s slippery mits, and if I remember correctly, mits are a common euphemism for hands, so…

FR. BEN: It’s just an expression!

CURTIS: Still, I think you should be super careful who you talk to about snakes like that. You’ll give people a completely broken perspective as to what they actually are.

FR. BEN: Can I ask you a frank question?

CURTIS: Anything.

FR. BEN: Are you high right now?

CURTIS: (obviously the answer is yes) I don’t see how that’s relevant to whether or not I should be paid for the Festival.

FR. BEN: That’s what I thought. Look, bud, I honestly think that you’re a good guy. You’ve clearly gotten yourself pretty deep in a hole right now with this little side project of yours, and I’d be happy to hear you out to see if I can do anything to help get you out of it. But, you’re not getting paid. And that answer is final.

[SFX: Curtis does not take this lightly. He slams his hands on the arms of his chair.]

CURTIS: (erratic) But, that’s not fair, Father Ben! I provided a service, and it’s only right that you should pay for that service!

FR. BEN: No, what you provided me with was a gigantic headache. One that involves several traumatized elementary schoolers, furious parents, an overzealous youth activities coordinator with a loose definition of educational programming, and a best friend with a deadly heart condition! A headache, I see, that you’re determined to continue to give me.

CURTIS: You’ve got this all wrong! My babies were all just being friendly when they got out. If you’d only give them a second chance, I really think you’d take a liking to them…

[SFX: Curtis calmly unzips his backpack. Inside, we hear the gentle hiss of a snake.]

MIDROLL BREAK

FR. BEN: (uncomfortable) Curtis…

CURTIS: I mean, just look at this guy’s face. Does he look like he could harm a fly?

FR. BEN: Yes. He very much does.

CURTIS: I mean, of course, he could hurt a fly, he’s a snake! He mostly eats mice though. Not little kids. And he’s definitely not poisonous. So that has to count for something.

[SFX: Curtis lets Randy out of his bag, and onto Fr. Ben’s desk.]

FR. BEN: (alarmed) Oh my gosh, he’s so big! 

CURTIS: Of course he is, he’s a bell python!

FR. BEN: Annnnd now crawling up my shoulders! Can you please get him off of me!?

CURTIS: C’mon, Father. This dude just wants to be your friend.

FR. BEN: But I don’t particularly want to be his!

CURTIS: Fine, fine…

[SFX: Cutis stands and walks around Fr. Ben’s desk, and calmly picks Randy up, wrapping him around his own shoulders and returning to his chair.]

CURTIS: (kissing Randy on the head) I know, little guy, you’re just so misunderstood. All you ever want is lil head pets and *snake impression* kisssses. 

FR. BEN: (mumbling) I’m starting to understand why Suzy needed to see Dr. Robert Belfrey so many times...

CURTIS: (defeated) I’m sorry, Father. I know I can be a lot… and I know that I have no right to be asking for this. I really do. I got myself into a jam, and I have no idea how the hell to get out of it. I owe some pretty serious people not a small amount of money, and Curtis’ Critters… well let’s just say it hasn’t been as lucrative a business as I assumed it would be.

FR. BEN: (suddenly serious) Are you in real trouble? 

CURTIS: I thought that was obvious.

FR. BEN: Is there any way you can get their money back? Maybe return the snakes? Give them a home with someone a bit better equipped to care for them?

CURTIS: (genuinely offended) Excuse me, I have bought these babies nothing but the best food imaginable. I guarantee you they eat better than those sad bastards at the Oneonta Zoo. I may not be so great at locking their cages yet, but I would never put an animal in danger. That’s just not who I am.

FR. BEN: I’m sorry. You’re clearly a very… passionate caregiver. I only thought—

CURTIS: You thought the town burnout got high and watched one too many episodes of Planet Earth, then decided to convert the old laundromat into a snake sanctuary without doing proper research first.

FR. BEN: Er… well. Yes. That’s exactly what I thought.

CURTIS: (deep sigh) I know. That’s what everybody thinks. And look, you might not be wrong per se… but being stoned? It’s not such a bad thing. I’ve got a lot of chronic pain issues, and it helps with the inflammation. Besides, when I’m high I’m like… hyper-focused. I’ll go down internet rabbit holes for hours…

FR. BEN: Now that we’re here, why did you start Curtis’ Critters? How could you think that this would be a viable business model? That, as long as you could just give enough presentations at the local schools and church functions, you might become… profitable?

CURTIS: Have you heard of American Low?

FR. BEN: That film production company out in Syracuse? The one who bought that old high school, and has put out a bunch of movies direct to Bulu?

CURTIS: Yes! That’s exactly the one.

FR. BEN: They’ve put out some fun stuff, and gotten work for a lot of local actors and crew members. It’s been a wonderful thing for the community.

CURTIS: Yeah… it’s always been my dream to work in Hollywood. But I can’t act to save my life, trust me: I’ve tried. When I tried out for a local production of Sweeny Todd, the only role they’d give me was as one of the corpses, and I even messed that up. I write some… but I can’t get anybody to read my scripts! For a local organization, they sure do work with a lot of folks based out of California for that…

FR. BEN: (his sympathy starting to turn) It’s a tough business, trying to be an artist.

CURTIS: You’re telling me. But I’ve got Boogle Alerts on my phone for jobs for “American Low,” just in case a good opportunity ever turns up.

FR. BEN: You’ve never considered going out for one of the crew positions?

CURTIS: For most of those roles, you’ve gotta be able to lug around really heavy equipment, and with my condition, I can’t really do that…

FR. BEN: Condition?

CURTIS: Ehler’s Danlos. Means my joints are all fucky and I’m easily injured. Pretty limber, like a snake, but manual labor isn’t my thing.

FR. BEN: Could we finish the story without the cursing?

CURTIS: Of course, I didn’t realize your office counted as part of God’s house.

FR. BEN: It’s not? It’s just the polite thing to do. But, that doesn’t matter. Continue.

CURTIS: So, as you can imagine, I spend a lot of time disappointed when my searches come up. But then one day a few months back, a result came back that I’d be perfect for: a local snake handler to work on their upcoming shoot! One who could provide, handle, and offer safety training for the animals to all cast and crew members for the duration.

FR. BEN: Cue Curtis’ Critters.

CURTIS: My Uncle Neil owned the building the old laundromat was in and rented it to me on the cheap. And luckily, there was a wildlife dealer out in Buffalo who was more than willing to get me a dozen of them, all different breeds and species, for a wholesale rate.

FR. BEN: This is where the serious people come in? That you owe a substantial amount of money to?

CURTIS: I tried going through all the appropriate channels first. But I haven’t got great credit, so most of the local banks laughed at my business proposal. But Uncle Neil knows some guys in the waste treatment community who are more than happy to offer small loans with what he called a “reasonable” repayment plan.

FR. BEN: How in the hole are you?

CURTIS: It’s bad.

FR. BEN: I take it the American Low job didn’t go through?

CURTIS: That’s the worst part, it actually did! They fell for my fake license just like Fr. Klem and Clara did, only… they didn’t need a dozen snakes! They just needed one. And it was barely a plot point. Some dumb famous 38-year-old playing 16 just had to have one as a pet and feed it a mouse on camera, so they put a call out there. It was two hours of work. It was NOT enough.

FR. BEN: I take it that doesn’t even begin to cover the first installment on that very reasonable repayment plan?

CURTIS: Not even close.

FR. BEN: (sighing deeply) How much did Fr. Klem and Clara agree to pay you?

[SFX: Fr. Ben fusses with his desk, pulling out a checkbook and pen.]

CURTIS: $1,500.

FR. BEN: $1,500?! You’ve got to be kidding me!

CURTIS: I had a very compelling pitch.

FR. BEN: (a deep, angry groan as he fills out the check) Curtis. This is all very absurd, and I think you know that as well as I do. I’m going to write you a check for half of that total right now, but I’m only handing it over to you on one condition.

CURTIS: And that is?

FR. BEN: Return the snakes. Get your money back. Wash your hands of this situation and make sure something like this never happens again.

CURTIS: That’s the problem, though… that wildlife dealer? They weren’t exactly above-the-board in their business dealings. And they definitely do not offer refunds.

FR. BEN: So you’re telling me that not only have you got a bogus license, but all of your animals were illegally purchased as well? What if the wildlife police had shown up to your demonstration?! St. Patrick’s could have been in a lot of trouble!

CURTIS: Please, in a town as small as Texarkana? Taxpayers are lucky if the local PD stops scratching their ass long enough to write a parking ticket around here, let alone meddle in my affairs.

FR. BEN: Curtis. I mean it. This payment is contingent on you getting yourself out of this situation. 

CURTIS: But, they’ll break my legs if I don’t get them back their 20k!

FR. BEN: Twenty thousand dollars?! Curtis!! What were you thinking?!

CURTIS: (earnestly sad) That Randy and I would be stars…

FR. BEN: If you’re in that deep, I don’t see how this amount of money is going to get you out of it.

CURTIS: You’re not wrong… it won’t make a dent in what I owe, BUT. I did some research, and the certifications I need to take Curtis’ Critters legit aren’t that expensive. With this kind of runway, I can get my papers and start marketing my services for real. Who knows? Maybe everything will go my way and I’ll be able to make the rest of that money back in no time…

[SFX: Fr. Ben sets his pen down and hands the check to Curtis, who grabs it handily.]

FR. BEN: God only knows… Well, I certainly hope you’ve learned your lesson about internet rabbit holes, when it comes to making such financially fraught decisions for yourself.

CURTIS: Thank you so much, Father. You’re a literal lifesaver. Jesus would be so proud of you right now. I just know it.

FR. BEN: (unamused) Oh, I’m sure Jesus would be something…

CURTIS: (standing to leave, picking up his empty gym bag) And don’t forget to stop by Curtis’ Critters! With an investment like this, admission on your first visit is free!

FR. BEN: Curtis, wait. Before you go.

CURTIS: Yeah?

FR. BEN: What was your pitch to Fr. Klem and Clara? That sold them on the idea of a live snake demonstration at the First Annual St. Patrick’s St. Patrick’s Day Festival?

CURTIS: (chuckling) You’re kidding, right?

FR. BEN: No, I’m very much not.

CURTIS: You don’t know the story of St. Patrick?! And how he chased all of the snakes out of Ireland?! What rock have you been living under?!

FR. BEN: That’s not exactly how that story went. Those snakes they were talking about? They weren’t… serpentine in nature.

CURTIS: Oh yeah, then what were they?

FR. BEN: They were Pagans. St. Patrick is only responsible for their exile from the country. It’s honestly a pretty problematic holiday, but it gives us Irish a good excuse to make a boiled dinner, some soda bread, and pop on the Jumppunch Kellys, so I don’t make a big fuss about it.

CURTIS: That seems pretty shitty. Why is it all four-leaf clovers and leprechauns now, then?

FR. BEN: (shrugging) Beats me, friend.

CURTIS: Well, thanks for the history lesson, Father. I’m looking forward to seeing you all again at the next St. Patrick’s St. Patrick’s Day Festival!

FR. BEN: No, Curtis, this is a one-time deal—

[SFX: Curtis rushes out the door whistling before Ben can finish his reply.]

[MUSIC: The Forgive Me! End credits music begins to play.]

ADAM: Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written and directed by Bob Raymonda and Jack Marone.

Here’s our cast in order of appearance: 
Nick Stag as Curtis
Casey Callaghan as

Dialogue editing by Bob Raymonda.

Sound design, score, and mixing by me, Adam Raymonda.

All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.

Season three of Forgive Me! would not be the same without our Executive Producer Curtis Dibrell Jr. This episode also marks the unveiling of our Town’s official name: Texarkana, NY! Curtis was given the opportunity to choose our town’s name for donating at our Pope tier, and decided to forever name the St. Patrick’s community after his own hometown. We’re thrilled to be able to share it!

Find out what we’re up to by following @forgivemeshow on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter

Want to keep help us keep making this show you love? Consider joining us on Patreon over at patreon.com/roguedialogue. Patrons receive access to an ad-free feed, bonus episodes, behind the scenes info, and more!

We’ll be back in April with our Arbor Day Special! (No, we really weren’t kidding about that one)