Episode transcript - “FORGIVE Me live!: One of the dogs”
ADAM RAYMONDA: Hey everybody! This episode you’re about to hear would not have been possible if not for the generous support of all of our donors on Indiegogo. It was the first time we ever performed live in front of an audience during the SALTLAND Theater Festival in Syracuse, NY in May of 2023. At the time, Krystal Osborne, who plays Clara, unfortunately couldn’t make the taping, so we had our very own Emily Elizabeth, who plays Olivia, sub in for the weekend, and we think she did an incredible job. We hope you’ll enjoy this special episode, and keep your eyes out, as we hope to run more events like this in the future!
[MUSIC: Forgive Me theme song plays.]
ADAM: Forgive Me! Live! One of the Dogs.
ADAM: (Extremely host voice) Hi parishioners! Welcome to Saint Patrick’s for a live podcast recording of Forgive Me. This is a show about Father Ben, a young, try-hard priest who’s worked as the pastor of St. Pat’s for the last couple years. We’ll be following Ben as he listens to confessions from some church goers looking for forgiveness, which you probably could have guessed by the name of the show. First up to chat with Father Ben is Clara Martin. Clara has been a member of St. Patrick’s church her entire life. Named after her Grandfather's trusty horse, Clara comes from a long line of passionate handbell ringers. Today though, Clara comes to Father Ben feeling some guilt over another one of her passions…
CLARA: Forgive me, father for I have sinned, it’s been one month since my last confession.
FR. BEN: What would you like to confess today?
CLARA: Father… it’s me, Clara Martin… you know… from the bells?
FR. BEN: Hi Clara, yes, I know it’s you.
CLARA: Then why didn’t you say anything?!
FR. BEN: Because last time you came to confession you were very upset when I recognized your voice and asked me specifically to, and I quote, “respect your anonymity”.
CLARA: But that doesn’t mean to treat me like some stranger! (impression of Ben) “What would you like to confess today” so cold! As if my family hasn’t been the beating heart of this place for generations.
FR. BEN: (straining for patience) Fine. I’m sorry, Clara, how about I try again?
CLARA: Sounds good to me.
FR. BEN: Hello, valued parishioner, what would you like to confess today?
CLARA: (patronizing) See that sounds even more business-like. How about something like “Hello to my anonymous but beloved bell ringer, what undoubtedly important and interesting sins do you have to confess?”
FR. BEN: (done with the game) Clara, what would you like to confess?
CLARA: Alright, alright. Gosh, the service in the place is really going downhill lately.
FR. BEN: Clara…
CLARA: Fine…(sighs) it seems I’ve done it again.
FR. BEN: Done what again?
CLARA: I… used laxatives to take out my competition…
FR. BEN: Clara, how many times do I need to tell you Aidan isn’t your competition, he’s twelve years old! Plus, I don’t know what effect all these Biralax-dosed sports drinks could be having on his body…
CLARA: I’m offended Father! I didn’t dose an innocent child with laxatives. (proudly) I learned my lesson on that front.
FR. BEN: Thank heavens.
CLARA: (guiltily) I dosed an innocent dog with laxatives.
FR. BEN: What!
CLARA: And not even the one I intended!
FR. BEN: You’re saying you accidentally gave a dog laxatives?
CLARA: No no no… I accidentally gave the wrong dog laxatives.
FR. BEN: How is that even possible?
CLARA: Well, I’m sure you’re aware, but the Salty Dog Central New York Canine Expo is this weekend.
FR. BEN: I can’t say I was.
CLARA: (disgusted) Priests can be so uncultured, you really need to get outside of these four walls sometime, you know.
FR. BEN: (flatly) What happened with the dog show?
CLARA: Well, the Salty Dog is a qualifier for the Eastminster Dog Show. The only qualifier in the region so, as you can imagine, a real who’s who of the dog community can be found there: from Frank Chilton’s regal beagle, Hiram, to Gwen Prentis’ giant schnauzer, Petal. Last year we even had the distinct honor of hosting the Teddy Barples as one of our panel judges.
FR. BEN: I… have no idea who that is. But I’m sure he’s very impressive. I take it you’re planning to attend?
CLARA: Attend? Father, I am the chief trainer and guardian for none other than (says the name reverently) Augustus… you know, The Irish Wolfhound? He won the Southern Tier local dog show just last month…. Nothing?
FR. BEN: I’m assuming that’s your dog! He sounds like a very good boy.
CLARA: Unbelievable. Yes, he is my dog. But he’s so much more than that, he’s an icon, a future star. I have raised 11 wolfhounds in my life and Gus Martin is easily the noblest.
FR. BEN: So, what happened with Gus?
CLARA: (chiding) Augustus, father, only his family calls him Gus.
FR. BEN: What happened with Augustus?
CLARA: Nothing! Like I said, Gus is a perfect specimen and is ready as ever to go win this show… (getting emotional) I just… in a moment of weakness… began to doubt our chances.
FR. BEN: How so?
CLARA: Eileen, my rival in the Wolfhound circuit, has a new dog she’s showing.
FR. BEN: I see…
CLARA: (wistfully) Genevieve
FR. BEN: That’s the dog?
CLARA: Arguably the most elegant gate I have ever seen on a land mammal. Just gliding around like an angel on land. A little prim for my taste, not at all in the workman-like spirit of the Irish Wolfhound, but I just knew the judges would swoon for her.
FR. BEN: So you… gave her laxatives to try and keep her out of the competition?
CLARA: (sighs) I tried to give her laxatives.
FR. BEN: What did you do?
CLARA: (annoyed by this) Well, the Salty Dog tries to pitch itself as a “family-friendly” event.
FR. BEN: That makes sense doesn’t it?
CLARA: Father, they force us to host this horrible “meet the breeds” event before the show starts in earnest.
FR. BEN: Sounds cute.
CLARA: A bunch of sticky-fingered wild animals prodding and petting our prized babies? Cute isn’t the word I’d use for it…
FR. BEN: (sighs) I’m sure you wouldn’t.
CLARA: Still… I saw an opportunity to take care of the competition. With these kids walking around all willy-nilly, all I needed to do was get one of them to help me deliver a gift to Genevieve.
FR. BEN: You had a child dose Genevieve?
CLARA: (shrugging) It seemed like the perfect plan. I baked some scrumptious peanut butter dog treats the night before and brought them in. You see, none of the kids could bring in outside food, but trainers could let them give our dogs a treat if they wanted. You’d be an idiot to let them but still, you could.
FR. BEN: I see.
CLARA: This young boy came over to me that looked to be the perfect child for the job. Well-groomed, in nice looking Bosh-Kosh-My Gosh overalls, he felt like somebody who would take easily to a command. I let him pet my Gus and then gave him a treat and told him, (patronizing adult talking to a child voice) “Gus is full, but it looks like that dog over there is hungry if you wanted to share this with her.”
FR. BEN: (disturbed) Wow Clara.
CLARA: Genius right? The horrible creature beamed at me and skipped off with the treat right toward Genevieve, (reaches out with her arm) until…
FR. BEN: What?
CLARA: Until his mom ushered him over to meet her friend… Shannon Thompson.
FR. BEN: Bill’s daughter? From St. Patricks?
CLARA: (sighs again) Yes… apparently, she’s a fool for the hunting breeds like myself. Clearly still a bit new to the circuit, her dog’s a bit shaggy and excitable but charming in a 10th-place kind of way.
FR. BEN: So I imagine then this dog…
CLARA: The child didn’t even hesitate a moment, it’s like all my instructions left his head and he happily gave the dog the treat.
FR. BEN: Is the dog ok?
CLARA: I certainly hope so, I’d only put enough in that it would have one fairly terrible evening and couldn’t be risked dragging its behind down the carpet in the convention center tomorrow.
FR. BEN: Clara, this is really an awful thing you did, why do you keep weaponizing laxatives?!
CLARA: I know, I know! I feel just terrible about it, that boy Aidan was one thing but an innocent dog?! (Dramatically drops to the ground next to her stool) Oh heavenly father, I grovel at your feet!
FR. BEN: Clara, get back up! You’ll knock over the confessional.
CLARA: Fine, fine… Well, I do feel guilty.
FR. BEN: I can hear that, and you should. That said, I’m glad you’ve come to confession and seen the error of your ways… again.
CLARA: Me as well father.
FR. BEN: For penance.
CLARA: Anything you say, father.
FR. BEN: I assume you’d refuse to own up to this?
CLARA: OK anything but that.
FR. BEN: Well then, first off I want you to compete in this dog show fair and square going forward.
CLARA: Easy enough! I should never have doubted Augustus in the first place.
FR. BEN: And second, I ask that you reach out to Shannon. As a fellow person raised in St. Patrick’s, I think it’s the right thing to do. Show her some kindness given I’m sure she’s frustrated at the mysterious circumstances of her dog’s illness.
CLARA: Fine, I guess it’s the least I can do.
FR. BEN: And finally…
CLARA: There’s more?!
FR. BEN: Say 30 Hail Marys.
CLARA: You never make us do traditional penance!
FR. BEN: I just really want to hammer home you have to stop dosing folks with laxatives, it’s bad!
CLARA: Fine! But when I pray to the Virgin Mother I’m going to mention what a crappy priest you’re being.
FR. BEN: If anyone is being crappy…
CLARA: (Sighs) I walked right into that. Bye Father, I’ll see you at mass.
ADAM: Annnnnnnd there she goes. Up next in the booth, we have Shannon Thompson. She only recently revisited the parish on the eve of her mother’s funeral with her girlfriend in tow, and had a candid conversation about the Church with Father Ben. This afternoon, though, she has an entirely different axe to grind…
SHANNON: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been… 17 years? Since my last confession.
FR. BEN: (warm) How can I help you today?
SHANNON: Father Ben? Is that you over there?
FR. BEN: Yes… who’s this?
SHANNON: It’s me, Shannon. You know, Bill’s daughter?
FR. BEN: Oh my goodness, it’s so nice to hear your voice! Your dad didn’t say you’d be in town.
SHANNON: Jenna and I came up to surprise him for his birthday.
FR. BEN: That was extremely thoughtful of you two. You know, he really thinks the world of you both.
SHANNON: He sure does. But… he’s not actually why I’m here today…
FR. BEN: (remembering himself, putting on his priestly voice) Oh, of course. What would you like to confess?
SHANNON: Well, I mean. We were mostly in town for dad’s birthday. But Jenna and I also came to enter our Irish Wolfhound, Rooster, into the Salty Dog Central New York Canine Expo. He’s only a year old, but we thought it’d be cute to see him up there running the course with all those other pups and entered him on a lark.
FR. BEN: Don’t the two of you live in a tiny one-bedroom basement apartment in Queens?
SHANNON: (sigh) Yeah… it’s a pretty tight squeeze, but when we saw him on PetSpotter we just knew it would be love at first head scritch. We’re lucky though, cause our landlords let him run around in the backyard and we’ve got a great dog park only six blocks away.
FR. BEN: Whatever works for the three of you, I suppose. You certainly can’t fight love.
SHANNON: No, you can’t.
FR. BEN: So tell me, what is it about this Dog Show that would bring you back to St. Pat’s? Don’t get me wrong, I love having you here, but from our last conversation I assumed the confessional would be the last place you’d ever want to be again.
SHANNON: You’re not wrong, but… I’ve gotta admit. Talking to you last time really helped, and I’m feeling pretty guilty about the way things went down this weekend. I don’t know, I figured maybe you could put things into perspective for me again?
FR. BEN: I’d certainly be happy to try.
SHANNON: It all started when we were visiting our friends Emily and Tom.
FR. BEN: Steadman?
SHANNON: The very same! Emily and I graduated high school together, so we always try and meet up when I’m in town, even if it’s only for a few hours.
FR. BEN: They’re a great couple those two. I take it you’ve met David?
ADAM: David’s a house pig. He’s kind of our mascot. Everyone loves him.
SHANNON: (laughs) We certainly have! And he’s part of the reason why I’m here, in fact.
FR. BEN: Oh?
SHANNON: You see, Rooster is a great pup. He knows loads of tricks and he usually obeys all of our commands. But one thing we can’t seem to train him away from is eating whatever’s in sight.
FR. BEN: (knowing) That can be a difficult problem to have with a pet. I don’t have one myself, but Father Klem’s obsessed with a colony of feral cats that hang out behind the church, and let’s just say he isn’t always too concerned about whether or not they should be eating what he feeds them.
SHANNON: So all of a sudden, we’re hanging out in Tom and Emily’s living room, David and Rooster chasing each other around the coffee table, when he stops and just gets this completely dazed look in his eyes. And starts spewing from both ends all over Emily’s favorite rug: a whole day’s worth of kibble, ground beef, and pepperoni treats. I was mortified.
FR. BEN: You haven’t got anything to be embarrassed about with Emily and Tom: they live with a literal barn animal! Was Rooster alright? Did you have to take him to the vet?
SHANNON: Yeah. With the show coming up the next morning, we didn’t want to take any chances. Jenna stayed behind to help Emily and Tom clean up while I took him over to Scott Fischer’s place.
FR. BEN: And what’d Scott say?
SHANNON: Nothing seemed to be immediately wrong with him, but he did throw up another time while we were at his office. He gave our boy some homeopathic medicine and said he thought he’d be fine, but did tell me it was probably best if Rooster stayed overnight for observation and sat out the Dog Show.
FR. BEN: Aw, Shannon. I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m sure you and Jenna were disappointed you couldn’t enter him into the competition.
SHANNON: I mean, it was a bummer, but I’m not like… one of those crazy dog parents that’s actually trying to get him into the Eastminster Dog Show. I just knew we’d be in town and thought it’d be funny to see how he’d do.
FR. BEN: I’m glad you had a good head on your shoulders about it, then. There’s always next year!
SHANNON: Yeah… but then I went back to Tom and Emily’s place and gave Jenna the news. She was a lot more broken up about it than I thought she’d be. Which is where my guilt starts to creep in. Because Tom and Emily? Bless their hearts, they jumped right into crisis mode. Told us we could still enter the show in Rooster’s name… with David. In a dog costume.
FR. BEN: (chuckling) You can’t be serious?
SHANNON: Dead serious. Tom immediately started showing us all the tricks he could do. Even ran down to the basement and dragged up a little obstacle course he’d made for him during their last staycation. And Father? As ridiculous as it was? I could see how much Jenna lit up when she saw him run that track. I could see how the hope came back into her eyes and I said: Screw it, what else have we got to lose?
FR. BEN: Nobody stopped you when you showed up with a two hundred-pound pig instead of Rooster?
SHANNON: I mean, there were some raised eyebrows when we went to sign him in, but Emily had done a great job working up a shaggy little costume for him and one of Rooster’s extra collars. Plus, her dad was one of the judges that day, so even though I could tell they wanted to turn us away, she gave him a quick call and he waved us through.
FR. BEN: It isn’t the most orthodox solution I’ve ever heard for a problem… but I mean, why are you feeling guilty about it? It seems to me like you still got to have the day you wanted while your own pup took the time he needed to rest. No harm, no foul.
SHANNON: I mean, I guess not, but I didn’t expect him to do as well as he did! Everybody loved David. The cheers he got after every single trick he did. Get this: he can do a handstand! And after every single command he obeyed the audience was like… a hundred times louder than for any of the actual dogs.
FR. BEN: I can’t say I’m surprised to hear that. He really is one impressive pig.
SHANNON: He really, really is. It’s just… we all had a lot of fun that day with him. But I feel bad for poor Rooster, all cooped up in a kennel with unfamiliar sights and sounds and without his favorite security stuffy, Reginald. I’m glad we still got to participate, for Jenna’s sake if not my own, but it just doesn’t feel right. Especially because, now that the day is over and Scott’s given Rooster the all-clear, we can’t even let him compete in the second day of the show tomorrow. We’ve gotta stick with David and finish what we’ve already started.
FR. BEN: I understand why you’d be disappointed that you had to be away from your dog for the day. Trust me, I know how easy it is to develop a fierce bond and loyalty with a pet. I’m allergic to dander, but I had this bearded dragon growing up that I would have done anything for. I used to even feed him live crickets out of my teeth… (realizing he’s said too much) But I digress: you were just doing the best you could to take care of him. To make sure he lives a nice long life and has plenty more chances to compete in the Salty Dog Show. If you ask me? That’s just good parenting. And besides, now he’s got a chance to cheer you on from the sidelines! I’m sure he’s gonna be just fine.
SHANNON: You think so?
FR. BEN: I know so.
SHANNON: Thanks, Father. I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with me about this.
FR. BEN: Anytime, Shannon. And hey! If you’re still in town once Rooster’s feeling better, you, your Dad, and Jenna should bring him over so we can play fetch in the park!
SHANNON: I’d love that.
ADAM: Now, this would normally be the part of the night where I introduce you to our next confessor. Give you a bit of their backstory, either with Father Ben or the greater St. Patrick’s community… but I’ve never seen this woman before in my life! And I’m just as excited to meet her as you are. Let’s see what she’s got to say…
EILEEN: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been two weeks since my last confession.
FR. BEN: You know, I pride myself on knowing each member of this flock, and your voice escapes me. Tell me, is this your first time with us?
EILEEN: You caught me. My name is Eileen Sandler, and no, I’m not related to the Water Boy. Trust me, I wish I was too. I’m typically a member of St. Anthony’s and Joseph’s over in Endicott… but I’m in town this weekend and couldn’t wait to get this off my chest.
ADAM: Look, we all know that confession is typically done under the condition of anonymity, but we thought getting that introduction out of the way at the beginning would be best for everyone involved. Ourselves included! So do us a favor, and suspend your disbelief, okay?
FR. BEN: It’s very nice to meet you, Eileen. I’m Father Ben. How can I help you unburden yourself?
EILEEN: I’m in town for the Salty Dog Central New York Canine Dog Show and…
FR. BEN: (to himself) Are you kidding me? Another one?
EILEEN: What was that?
FR. BEN: (flustered) Oh, it’s nothing. I thought your name sounded familiar.
EILEEN: (proud) That doesn’t surprise me one bit. Are you a big fan of the show dog circuit?
FR. BEN: Sure… that’s why.
EILEEN: Well, then, you know how competitive things get around here. We’ve got a lot of good handlers in our modest little corner of the country. Myself, I’m happy to say, being chief among them. You may know this already, but I’ve entered this particular competition with five different Best in Show dogs in as many years.
FR. BEN: You have five dogs?
EILEEN: Twelve. But the others aren’t quite ready for their time on the stage just yet.
FR. BEN: It’s very kind of you, to open up your home to that many wayward souls.
EILEEN: (obnoxious, snooty laugh) Wayward? What, do you think I traffic in the kind of mutts you can find at the Humane society? I wouldn’t be caught dead. Every single one of my babies is purebred.
FR. BEN: (raising his eyebrows) Still. It takes a… special kind of person to care for that many innocent and defenseless critters.
EILEEN: (ignoring him) This year, I decided that it was high time I give Genevieve her time in the spotlight. You see, she’s a magnificent Irish Wolfhound, four years of age, with the most striking blue eyes you’ve ever seen. She’s a natural bird dog; the best friend you could have when on the hunt for some local pheasant.
FR. BEN: That is very impressive.
EILEEN: It is, indeed. We’ve worked long and hard to get her as far as we have, but once I arrived yesterday for the Meet the Dogs event… my heart sank.
FR. BEN: And why is that?
EILEEN: Two words: Augustus Martin.
FR. BEN: (pretending he doesn’t know who that is) Is that one of the other trainers?
EILEEN: Hah! No, not at all. He’s another one of the dogs in the show. He actually belongs to Clara Martin, I think she’s a bell ringer here? In fact, she’s the reason I know of your modest little parish in the first place.
FR. BEN: Yes, I am quite familiar with Clara.
EILEEN: So then, you know how absolutely ruthless she can be when it comes to any sort of competition?
FR. BEN: (sighing) That does sound like her.
EILEEN: You see… the bellringer and I, we have what my mother would call a healthy rivalry. Although, if you asked my father, he’d probably say that she’s my dreaded nemesis.
FR. BEN: I take it this isn’t the first time your dogs are coming up against each other in the Salty Dog?
EILEEN: Far from it! She’s competed with Gus for as long as I’ve been in the circuit. And while I may have had the distinct honor of taking home the silver for the last five years in a row, she’s always right on my tail and gives me a run for my money. Quite literally.
FR. BEN: Oh? Do the two of you have some kind of bet going?
EILEEN: (guilty) Not… quite.
FR. BEN: Can you elaborate for me?
EILEEN: It’s just… I am confident in my ability as a trainer. I have been doing this for over half my life, and am just now seeing the kind of success I need to level up and enter the big leagues of the Eastminster Dog Show. And Genevieve? I really think she could be my ticket there but… (with bile) Clara and Augustus Martin are just so damn good. I have no idea how she’s gotten him to learn the kind of talents that he has… but I mean. I needed some kind of leg up on him, didn’t I?
FR. BEN: I’m still a bit lost here, Eileen.
EILEEN: One of the regular judges in the competition and I… we have a bit of an understanding.
FR. BEN: And that understanding is?
EILEEN: Well, we both share a mutual disdain for the bellringer and that regal dog of hers. So, we’ve found a way to… take care of the problem.
FR. BEN: I’m afraid I’m still a bit lost here. Is whatever the two of you are doing… violent in nature?
EILEEN: Goodness no!
FR. BEN: Thank God for small favors.
EILEEN: What I was trying to say, Father, is that we have a financial understanding. I give him a small, unmarked cash gift and he… well. He takes that into consideration when tallying his scores for each of the dogs in the competition. Paying particularly special attention to Augustus.
FR. BEN: And you’ve come to realize that bribery is a sin? That the kind of emotional damage you and this judge have done to our dear Clara is finally too much? And you’d like to see the error of your ways?
EILEEN: (laughing) Of course not! The Bellringer does just fine, thank you very much, third place is nothing to sneeze at. No, I’m feeling guilty about Genevieve. She’s worked so hard this last year, and every time I pass along that envelope to the judge’s little sausage fingers, I feel like a part of me is admitting that my babies aren’t actually good enough to be seen on the world’s stage.
FR. BEN: Eileen, taking away the fact that what you’re doing has a serious amount of questionable legality – and taking away the fact that you're removing the true spirit of competition from the equation – it sounds to me like what’s really bothering you is your own lack of self-confidence as a trainer.
EILEEN: (defensive) I never said that!
FR. BEN: No, but you didn’t have to. What you’ve told me today is that you’ve spent your entire history as the first runner up of the Salty Dog Central New York Canine Expo, cheating your way in order to get that honor. Because you see what kind of real, honest, hard work your competition is putting in and you’re afraid that you won’t measure up. Now, I’m no Dog Judge, but from the way you talk about your animals, I have a feeling that this anxiety isn’t entirely founded. Don’t you?
EILEEN: (guarded) I suppose you’re right…
FR. BEN: And, while it’s probably too late to get your bribe back, I do think it’d be a good idea to get in touch with this judge before tomorrow’s activities and ask him to call off the grift. Give your Genevieve a real chance at showing you what kind of trainer you actually are for once.
EILEEN: I… I don’t think that I’ll be doing that.
FR. BEN: You won’t?
EILEEN: No. I’ve come this far already. The Eastminster is calling our names, and I will stop at nothing to achieve this lifelong dream.
FR. BEN: Then I’m afraid you’re going to have to say an Our Father for every nickel you paid that judge.
EILEEN: That’s just fine, Father. I’ll fire them off while I’m counting sheep and rest easy tonight now that I’ve gotten it off my chest.
FR. BEN: (deep sigh) I’m glad one of us will.
EILEEN: You have a nice night now.
FR. BEN: You too.
ADAM: Boy, I was so frustrated listening to that I couldn’t help but think Come on Eileen! Be better. Get it father?!
FR. BEN: Get back to narrating, Adam.
ADAM: Yes, your holiness. Priests I tell ya, you try to have a little fun, but they’re always acting so holier than thou.
FR. BEN: Adam!
ADAM: Right! Sorry. Anyway, it’s time for our finale, our final sinner. It’s one day later and now entering the confessional we have a real St. Patrick’s fixture, local county judge, and recent divorcee Joe Walters. (leans on podium interested) Now I wonder how he fits into this whole Salty Dog mess?
JOE: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been 2 years since my last confession. And before you get all excited, yes, it’s me, Justice Walters.
FR. BEN: Hi Joe, glad to hear you back in the confessional. In fact, I have to say it’s been a long time since I’ve seen you at all inside these church walls.
JOE: I’ve been going to a church where I feel a bit more… welcome… these days.
FR. BEN: (Sighs) I understand Joe, I’m sure it’s been a challenging year with the divorce and it can’t be very comfortable running into your ex-wife.
JOE: Yes, yes, well why don’t we save that for another episode?
FR. BEN: Huh?
JOE: Listen, I only came to St. Patrick’s because of timing. I just finished up a little side job I’ve been doing this weekend, well it’s more of a hobby.
FR. BEN: (muttering to himself) You have got to be kidding me.
JOE: You see, I’m a Judge at this event nearby, the…
FR. BEN: (interrupting, clearly exhausted by the fact he even knows what this event is called) The Salty Dog Central New York Canine Expo?
JOE: Yes! The SDCNYCE, you know it?
FR. BEN: Only learned about it the past few days, for an expo of honest creatures it sure seems to have produced a good number of sinners.
JOE: (a bit defensive) Yes well the noble breed is the perfect companion for man as they need our darkness as we need their light. It’s really a remarkable relationship between man and canine, one I find is oft oversimplified into fetch, giving treats, or horrible anthropomorphic manifestations like Goof…
FR. BEN: (interrupting) Joe, what have you come to confess today?
JOE: Yes, yes… sorry. Nothing gets me yammering on quite like dog show season. I’m afraid I have been dishonest.
FR. BEN: (A touch bitterly) Old habits die hard I guess…
JOE: What! No, no nothing like that. My unfaithfulness is a thing of the past.
FR. BEN: (flatly) I hope so.
JOE: You see as a judge of a dog show there’s a certain level of… honor and prestige… that comes with that title. And of course, a weight of responsibility to do what’s right. And yet… I found myself making a grave error I am ashamed of.
FR. BEN: You took a bribe?
JOE: What? Yes of course I did. I’m a judge at a dog show. I have to take bribes, that’s part of the honor of the title. It’s not so dissimilar from a priest, people give their tithes to you to make sure they get to the promised land.
FR. BEN: That’s not how it works anymore…
JOE: (interrupting) But for us instead of the promised land, it’s a place in the Eastminster dog show.
FR. BEN: So if you’re not here to confess to bribery…
JOE: Well in a way I am. My guilt is coming from ignoring the financial bribery I received… in favor of…(gets emotional) familial bribery.
FR. BEN: What is familial bribery?
JOE: (still emotional) When pride in your daughter transcends any number of ten-dollar bills that were slipped into your hand at a Buglers Bagels.
FR. BEN: How many ten-dollar bills was it?
JOE: In this case? One. I’ve been known to get up to three of them on different occasions. There was no agility course this year, those folks bring the serious cheddar.
FR. BEN: So you were going to throw the whole thing for ten dollars?
JOE: It’s a Best Dog competition, Father. All dogs are the best. How do you expect anyone to choose? Thankfully there is a nice, capitalist system for making an arbitrary decision like this. It’s just when it goes wrong that I feel… guilty.
FR. BEN: So what happened…?
JOE: David happened.
FR. BEN: The pig?
JOE: The very one, my daughter’s beautiful swine. I remember idly looking at the names on the list, noticing Shannon Thompson there. She’s an old friend of Emily’s and I felt bad that she likely didn’t know the score and would lose out on Eastminster.
FR. BEN: Oh really?
JOE: Yes, and then I get a text from Emily right before the first event yesterday. “Dad, can you help my friend Shannon? Her dog is sick so she’s trying to enter David as a hunting breed.”
FR. BEN: And I take it you helped her?
JOE: Of course! At the time I thought, who cares? It’s just a lark. It’ll be a novelty for the crowd and nobody would expect him to win. I even walked down and saw the silly ham, snorting away. He was covered in what I believe was just a bunch of mop heads, in an attempt to make him look like one of those Komondor dogs.
FR. BEN: (Chuckles) Sounds like a real sight.
JOE: (Smiling) It was. And for the first little while I thought that’s all it’d be… until I got to witness his grace.
FR. BEN: David’s?
JOE: Yes, but in a way, I do think the Lord’s grace shone through the pig that day. He did a runaround and displayed some commands and looked… elegant. There was an uncanniness to it, given he’s a pig, but in a way that made every movement seem all the more powerful. I knew pigs were intelligent but to move like that? Like he was floating on air.
FR. BEN: Sounds impressive.
JOE: It was, and to be honest after seeing it I saw my daughter’s smile in the crowd as her friend jumped up and down with the pig and I just… I blacked out. I went through the motions of the rest of my judgments and when I looked at my scorecard for all the other dogs, I had just written David in block letters over all of them.
FR. BEN: So what did you do?
JOE: Well like I said it’s a dog show. I knew the most important tens to get on the scorecard were the ones you handed to the judge… and yet… I couldn’t decide what to do. Which brought me to this afternoon… where we announced the winners.
FR. BEN: And what then?
JOE: We got the dogs all on stage for one final observation, David seemed to have maybe eaten a couple of his mop heads because he was that much more clearly a pig today.
FR. BEN: Did that help you decide what to do?
JOE: I’d be damned if that didn’t just make him more charming, sitting there all bright pink, smiling and snorting next to these furballs.
FR. BEN: So… what happened.
JOE: I’d settled on giving the prize to Eileen, but looked back at David, sweet David, and maybe 20 feet behind him my darling daughter, Emily. Her idiot husband Tom was there too, but that’s beside the point. I just remember flipping from Eileen to David and back again until my head was spinning.
FR. BEN: Sounds stressful…
JOE: It was. So much so in fact I completely froze up. When the host asked for my judgment, I merely stood there… stammering… people started looking around at each other and then that fool bellringer started berating poor Shannon about how it’s “reprehensible” and “against nature” to enter a pig into a dog show. Seeing that jolted me out of my stupor but the first words out of my mouth were accidentally a retort where I shouted… Clara!
FR. BEN: What?
JOE: I accidentally said… Clara. I only meant to reprimand her for insulting my grand-pig but then the crowd…(trails off)
FR. BEN: What happened, Joe?
JOE: That damned mob started applauding and crowning her and her dog before I had a chance to clarify things. The next moment she was giving a speech about the nobility of the wolfhound, Eileen was staring daggers at me, and I just looked over at my family. (emotional)
FR. BEN: How’d they seem?
JOE: They were laughing and hugging Shannon. Like nothing had happened! They thought it was all a funny joke and never expected to win in the first place.
FR. BEN: That’s good then! They got to leave happy and it sounds like Clara was a deserving enough winner. Your logic about being a dog show judge is… perplexing… but it doesn’t seem like an altogether bad outcome.
JOE: It’s just… I like to think I’m honorable.
FR. BEN: (flatly) You just confessed to accepting bribes for a dog competition.
JOE: Which as we’ve established is very honorable in context.
FR. BEN: Then how are you not?
JOE: I had this responsibility to use my power for good. The good of ten dollars or the good of my family. And despite it tearing me up inside. I did neither!
FR. BEN: Okay…
JOE: So you see I just want to confess to my failings. As a father, as a judge, and as an acceptor of bribes.
FR. BEN: Joe, I don’t think… actually... you know what? Nevermind, I accept your request for forgiveness and grant it to you.
JOE: Really? I expected more of a fight on this one.
FR. BEN: I don’t have any bark left in me there Justice Walters, just do some penance for me, ok?
JOE: What this time?
FR. BEN: You seem to know a lot about dog training, try to engage your family about that with David. Clearly, he’s a talent and it’s a way to make some amends and even find common ground with Tom.
JOE: My swag bag did come with some training toys that I have no use for…
FR. BEN: See! A perfect solution. Now, let's say the act of contrition so I can go to bed and pretend this weekend never happened.
JOE: Sounds like a plan, father.
ADAM: And that’s all for this year’s Salty Dog Central New York Canine Expo! Or, at least, that’s the last Father Ben will hear about it for now. How are you feeling about the way things played out? I, for one, think that David was robbed. I mean: a pig that can juggle?! How can you beat that?! Thank you all for joining us this evening at St. Patrick’s. We hope you’ll come back sometime. You’re always welcome.
Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written and directed by Jack Marone and Bob Raymonda.
Here’s our cast in order of appearance:
Adam Raymonda As Adam Raymonda (oh hey, that’s me!)!
Emliy Elizabeth as Clara Martin (hey! That’s not who usually plays her!)
Casey Callaghan as Fr. Ben Moynahan (the one and only!)
Natasia White as Shannon Thompson (in their first time back since season one!)
Mo Moshaty as Eileen Sandler (a new face we’ll definitely be seeing again!) and
Michael Larkin as Joe Walters (who is much less of a hard ass than the character her plays!)
If you liked what you heard tonight, be sure to check out Forgive Me on the podcast player of your choice!!