Episode transcript - “ARBOR DAY SPECIAL: IT’S TURTLES ALL THE WAY DOWN”

[MUSIC: The Forgive Me theme song plays.]

ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Arbor Day Special: It’s Turtles All the Way Down

[SFX: The curtain into the confession opens and closes as Meredith enters, sitting down.]

MEREDITH: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned and it’s been… a really long time since I’ve been to confession.

FR. BEN: Then there’s never been a better time for you to make your way back, wouldn't you say?

MEREDITH: That’s one way of looking at it.

FR. BEN: In my opinion, the only way. What would you say?

MEREDITH: That it’s high time I finally suck it up and answer for my past actions.

FR. BEN: Was anyone directly harmed by these actions?

MEREDITH: That depends on who you’re asking. Some people might argue that many people were harmed. Others would say that so many more were protected. And, while I do empathize with the people who have been affected… I’m still one of those others.

FR. BEN: Well, isn’t that an interesting conundrum? I take it this harm was more… spiritual, than physical?

MEREDITH: Not quite, although definitely not physical either. As much as I’d love to pile drive my way through just about every issue I’ve ever experienced, the harm I’ve caused was more… financial in nature.

FR. BEN: (more concerned) Are we talking about something illegal here, Meredith? You know that I’m always up for a good theological debate, but I’d like to understand how serious of a situation this is.

MEREDITH: I mean… that depends on the laws you’re asking about here. The laws of man… or the laws of nature?

FR. BEN: Your continued ambiguity here is concerning. Could we maybe get to the heart of the matter, so I can make these judgements for myself?

MEREDITH: What?! You’re not loving this little dance of ours?

FR. BEN: I love a good do-si-do as much as the next guy, but getting to the point could help clarify the severity of your actions.

MEREDITH: You know the woods behind my parents’ old house? The ones on the border of Myers Park?

FR. BEN: I do! There’s some lovely hiking to be done back there.

MEREDITH: There certainly is! It’s where I walk my dog Shotzi, every day. And gosh, they’re one of the most beautiful places in this whole town… I’ve been going there since I was a little kid. Playing manhunt with the Grandes, or skipping rocks in the creek with my sister Betty, or getting my first kiss from Ronald Wimber while sitting on the branch of our favorite old tree.

FR. BEN: (realization dawning) Is this about Eagle Creek?

MEREDITH: “An underutilized property,” they called it in their announcement. “A massive plot of land that could be converted into serious revenue for the area.”

FR. BEN: I see where the financial harm is coming in…

MEREDITH: And you see why I’m feeling conflicted?

FR. BEN: I mean, the cancellation of the project was a massive news item. An invasive species of turtle found thriving in the creek that runs through the land during an ecological study, spearheaded by local members of the town.

MEREDITH: Organized by yours truly.

FR. BEN: You cost a few of your neighbors a lot of money in that deal. You’re not the first person in that booth unburdening yourself about the case.

MEREDITH: I wouldn’t have imagined I would be, no. I know what people think of me. The weird hippy girl whose head is always in the clouds. The treehugger who would rather spend her day around animals than have a conversation with someone else her own age. Nobody’s too quiet about what they think of folks around here, are they?

FR. BEN: I take it those turtles weren’t found by accident, then?

MEREDITH: I mean, honestly Father? It kind of was an accident, if you really want to get into it. A happy one.

FR. BEN: You’re going to have to elaborate further.

MEREDITH: I didn’t mean to introduce an entire family of red eared sliders into those woods. It’s just, Shellbert got so lonely, I thought it’d be good for her to have a friend! And her and Bigsby just got along so well, I thought I’d done a good thing! Nobody told me that when turtles mate, they can have up to thirty babies.

FR. BEN: I don’t remember the exact number, but when I first heard about this, I do feel like they said something about a lot more than thirty turtles in there.

MEREDITH: Well, they are called an invasive species for a reason. Even if we say that only ten of those babies hatch and grow up to be able to reproduce, that’s still ten times thirty more eggs. It’s simple math, really.

FR. BEN: How long ago did you introduce Bigsby and Shellbert? By the way, that’s a very progressive name for a female turtle.

MEREDITH: I was only eleven when we got her, and the kid at the pet store told me she was a boy. It wasn’t until we adopted Bigsby two years later that I found out he was wrong, and at that point, it was way too late to change it.

FR. BEN: (the gravity of the situation dawning on him) Oh. And how old are you now, Meredith?

MEREDITH: Fr. Ben! Didn’t your mother raise you with the good manners not to ask a woman that question?

FR. BEN: She did, I was just trying to do some math. 

MEREDITH: Look, when it first happened, I got so excited. We’d take Shellbert and Bigsby into the woods to collect rocks with us, and one day she just dug a little hole and pooped them all out. I couldn’t tell my parents about it, they complained enough when I asked for a second turtle, let alone that many more!

FR. BEN: I think I’m starting to see where that happy accident came in.

MEREDITH: Well, what else did you expect me to do? Kill them? Separate my own lovebirds, to keep it from ever happening again? Then my parents SURELY would have known what was going on! And besides, they’re animals, they were totally capable of raising themselves. And they got to have regular visits with their parents! If you ask me, I just made the right decision.

FR. BEN: And so when you heard about the purchase of the land? And the development of the golf course?

MEREDITH: I had to snap into action! That was my family in there. My little Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Mick Foley, and Ric Flair, and Big Show, and Undertaker, and Kane, and…

FR. BEN: I’m sensing a pattern here.

MEREDITH: Are you a wrestling fan, too?!

FR. BEN: No, it was always my little brother’s thing, but I would take him any time there was a show around here. 

MEREDITH: Aw, you’re a good big brother!

FR. BEN: I wouldn’t go that far. I was mostly just too embarrassed to tell him how I really felt. He was the cool brother.

MEREDITH: I’m sure you were plenty cool!

FR. BEN: I really wasn’t, but that’s kind of you to say.

MEREDITH: Oh, what do I know? I was never cool either, except maybe to my animals, but I fed them so they had to like me. Everybody else just saw me as the girl in the corner who was a little too obsessed with Monday Night Raw while they were singing all the words to songs they probably shouldn’t have been singing.

FR. BEN: Sounds like you and my brother Alex would’ve really gotten along as kids.

MEREDITH: Isn’t he in some like, crazy big death metal band?

FR. BEN: (sighing) Yes. He is.

MEREDITH: What were they called again?

FR. BEN: I’d really rather not say.

MEREDITH: Why not? That’s so cool for him! Aren’t you just incredibly proud of his success?

FR. BEN: Of course I’m proud of him. He’s worked so hard to get where he is… but the name is just. It’s too much.

MEREDITH: It can’t be that bad.

FR. BEN: It really is. They’re called (whispering) Satan’s Gooch.

MEREDITH: What was that?

FR. BEN: (pleading) Please don’t make me say it again.

MEREDITH: (chuckling) I’m sorry, Father. I’m a big fan of the Gooch, I just thought it’d be funny to hear you say in church.

FR. BEN: (annoyed fake laugh) Maybe you and Alex would still get along.

MEREDITH: Maybe you should introduce us.

FR. BEN: Meredith! I’m your priest, not your matchmaker. How about we get back to the conversation at hand?

MEREDITH: Eh, couldn’t hurt to try. But yes. Back to my original question, now that you have all the context. Am I wrong to be kind of proud of my own success? I mean, I know it screwed things up for a lot of people but… my babies… that’s their home.

FR. BEN: I wouldn’t go on public record and say this since it certainly wouldn’t be a popular opinion among the greater community, but between you and me? Not at all. I can’t say that I’ve ever been much of a fan of golf courses.

MEREDITH: Thank you! Like, sure, did I cost some local teenagers caddy jobs, and metaphorically rip up a few blank checks to a couple rich geezers who already have more money than god? The financial implications are clear. But the natural ones? They’re much clearer.

FR. BEN: Like I said, I’m a fan of hiking in those woods.

MEREDITH: Those trees that everyone laughs at me for hugging? They’re a huge fan of you hiking in those woods too. 

FR. BEN: (teasing) I hope that you’re not saying you talk to these trees, Meredith. Because while I’m glad you saved their lives… that’s one step too far, even for me. I’d have to refer you to continue this conversation somewhere else.

MEREDITH: I’m not that crazy, thank you very much. But I do genuinely believe that. It’s impossible to walk through that land and not feel… at peace. In communion with the world as it was supposed to exist, tangible and wild. I’ve never been so happy to be surrounded by the quiet as I am in that space. It’s almost…

FR. BEN: Like a religious experience?

MEREDITH: Yeah, I mean, honestly? It is! They call her Mother Nature for a reason.

FR. BEN: That they do. And who doesn’t love a good mother?

MEREDITH: Certainly not me!

FR. BEN: So no, Meredith, to answer your question. I do not think that you have done anything wrong by accidentally introducing an invasive species of turtle into those woods. Or by encouraging the town to discover their existence on their own. Or stopping that hideous monstrosity from being a blight upon Texarkana. I think you’ve got every right in the world to feel proud of that. It was a good deed.

MEREDITH: You see, Father, this is why I like you. I knew you’d be on my side.

FR. BEN: (quick to correct her) I certainly am, but you make sure you keep that opinion to yourself. I’ve gotta be like Switzerland around these parts, or people start dropping from Sunday service like flies.

MEREDITH: Well, thanks for settling that for me. I knew I shouldn’t feel as guilty as I was… but it was nice to have that reaffirmed. I’ll see you again soon?

FR. BEN: You know how to find me.

MEREDITH: Maybe I could introduce you to Shellbert, Bigsby, and their many generations of kids and grandkids?

FR. BEN: That’d be wonderful. And maybe I can see when Alex’ll be home from tour.. He’s always wanted to be a Ninja Turtle.

MEREDITH: The more the merrier! Happy Arbor Day, Father Ben!

FR. BEN: Happy Arbor Day to you, too!

[SFX: Meredith gets up and leaves, whistling as she walks.]

[MUSIC: The Forgive Me end credits music plays.]

ADAM: Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written and directed by Bob Raymonda and Jack Marone.

Here’s our cast in order of appearance: 

Mary Benjamin as Meredith
Casey Callaghan as Fr. Ben

Dialogue editing by Bob Raymonda.

Sound design, score, and mixing by me, Adam Raymonda.

All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.

Season three of Forgive Me! would not be the same without our Executive Producer Curtis Dibrell Jr. This will be our last holiday themed episode for a little while, but next month we’ll be back with another bonus release, followed by another summer of crossovers! 

We seriously cannot thank all of our supporters on Indiegogo and Patreon enough for helping us keep helping us make this show. If you’re just finding us and would like to show your support, check out patreon.com/roguedialogue

Find out what we’re up to by following @forgivemeshow on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

We’ll see you next month with Confessions by Usher, Part II!