Episode transcript - “Confessions With Klem: FORGIVE THE FREEMASONS”

NARRATOR (V.O.): Freemasons and Catholics. Two groups who’ve gotten along famously for centuries. (beat) Not. The hate between these frenemies extends all the way back to 1738 when the Catholic Church officially condemned Freemasonry and banned any members from becoming Freemasons. Apparently, the Inquisition had been doing some independent research and felt that the Masonic Rituals were a bit too spooky and weird and quote “didn’t have anywhere near enough smoke.” 

Speaking of smoke, years later, on April 20th 1870, religious nepotism baby Pope Leo XIII, fired one up and sent out a papal encyclical, or Pope Letter, to all his boys and bishops, stating that:

 “As our predecessors have many times repeated, let no man think that he may for any reason whatsoever join the Masonic sect if he values his Catholic name and his eternal salvation.” Damn, Religious Nepotism Baby Pope Leo XIII, tell us how you really feel.

Catholicism’s ban on Freemasonry remained in place until one fateful Summer night in 1983. What changed? What could possibly bring these two groups together after centuries of hate? According to YouTube conspiracy theorist Randy Dunning, the peace between the Freemasons and the Catholics was put into motion that night when high ranking members of both groups attended a screening of the Dan Akroyd and Eddie Murphy film, “Trading Places,” hosted by mutual friends ‘The illuminati.’ By the time Winthrope and Valentine settled their differences, the Catholics and Freemasons had decided they too weren’t so different after all.

Now, forty years later… In the year of our lord 2023… the fiction podcasts ‘Forgive Me’ and ‘Two Flat Earthers Kidnap a Freemason’ have decided to risk it all by producing a crossover episode. Will this episode jeopardize the Trading Places Concordat? Or could this Masonic-Catholic Crossover finally create a sense of peace and understanding between the two groups? Let’s find out. 

EXT. MASONIC LODGE

NARRATOR (V.O.): Father Klem stands on the doorstep of a Masonic Lodge. He takes a deep breath and then knocks three times.

[SFX: Door cracks open. The Worshipful Master Mason peeks out.]

WORSHIPFUL MASTER: Where did you come from?

KLEM: From the lofty tower of Babel.  

WORSHIPFUL MASTER:  Nice. Are you alone? Did any other Catholics follow you here?

KLEM: No. 

WORSHIPFUL MASTER:  What do you aspire to make as your masterpiece?

KLEM: Do we gotta do that one?

WORSHIPFUL MASTER:  Yes. Answer the question. 

KLEM: A dwelling place fit for the Spirit of God.

WORSHIPFUL MASTER:  Where does your Grandmother live?

KLEM: I wish you wouldn’t ask the Grandma one.

WORSHIPFUL MASTER:  Answer it.

KLEM: St. Patricks Masonic Lodge… Here.

WORSHIPFUL MASTER: Who’s taking care of your Grandmother?

KLEM: Ehh… it’s Mitch, right? 

[SFX: Door opens all the way.]

WORSHIPFUL MASTER:  Wrong. It’s Marty. And you should know that by now. I’ve introduced myself to you on multiple occasions. Now hurry. Before anyone sees you.

INT. MASONIC LODGE

NARRATOR (V.O.): Upon entering the Lodge, Klem extends his right hand toward the Worshipful Master. 

WORSHIPFUL MASTER: We don’t do that anymore.

KLEM: No more secret handshakes?

WORSHIPFUL MASTER:  Nope. Not since Covid. Now come. He’s been calling for you all night.

[SFX: They walk through the Lodge.]

WORSHIPFUL MASTER: Check this out. (exclaims) Sesame! 

NARRATOR (V.O.): A bookshelf slides open to reveal a hidden corridor. 

WORSHIPFUL MASTER:  Pretty sweet, right?

KLEM: Secret Tunnel...yeah. I see where all my dues are going, that's for sure.

WORSHIPFUL MASTER: You know what they say… you gotta spend money to keep secrets. (beat) Speaking of… our new A.I. Latte Art Machine is so good you’d be willing to sacrifice your life for it. Mind-blowing beautiful pictures in the foam every time. Dogs. Cats. Turtles. Anything you can dream up. (beat) The coffee itself is god awful, but the artwork… the artwork is incredible.  

NARRATOR (V.O.): The Worshipful Master approaches a door and knocks three times before opening it. The room is empty except for a table and chair. On the table sits a stone ring. Trapped inside the ring, as we all know… is the Ghost of Sir Isaac Newton.

INT. NEWTON’S ROOM 

NEWTON: Oh Lord, my God. Is there no help for the widow's son? Oh, when will I ever rest again? Why must I be acted upon by forces outside of my control? 

WORSHIPFUL MASTER: He’s here, Newton.

NEWTON: Newton? Who could that be? The son of an illiterate farmer? Not me. Could never be me.

WORSHIPFUL MASTER: He’s here… Sir Isaac Newton. 

NEWTON: It’s about goddamn time. Have you brought a Priest capable of absolving me of all my sins?

WORSHIPFUL MASTER: You said ‘go get Father Klem.’ 

KLEM: You can head out, Mitch. I’ve got it from here.

WORSHIPFUL MASTER: I told you it’s Marty and—

[SFX: Klem closes the door. Exiting the Worshipful Master from the scene.] 

KLEM: Hello, Isaac, my friend. You look good for a spirit who’s spent centuries trapped inside of a stone ring. 

NEWTON: Father Klem… the sexiest Man of God I’ve ever known. I appreciate you coming.

KLEM: Had to pull some strings… but it’s okay. You owe me.

NEWTON: Without question. If ever you need a new system of mathematics developed or the script for a light-hearted buddy comedy written… I’m your guy.

KLEM: Ehhh, yeah sure. So why did you—?

NEWTON: Father! I’ve been lying awake night after night thinking about all the sins I’ve committed throughout my life and afterlife. (go for it) Blissful rest! Where are you!? 

KLEM: I’ve been known to put a few congregations to sleep, but—

NEWTON: I’m sure you’re unaware, but disembodied spirits such as myself are unable to sleep if we have sins we’ve yet to confess. That’s why I called you here. Because when it comes to devilishly sexy Men of God who will allow me to unload my sins onto them… you’re the only one I trust. (beat) And as my Brother in Freemasonry you’re compelled to help me. (weirdly sinister) Or I’ll tell on you.

KLEM: I’ll help. I’ll help. You don’t have to tell on me. 

[SFX: Klem sits with his back facing the table and ring.]

KLEM: In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. 

NEWTON: In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. 

KLEM: How long has it been since your last confession?

NEWTON: Many years. Not since we last hung a banner from the rafters of the Garden. Now Klem, before we get started, I just want to be sure of something.

KLEM: Okay. Yeah.

NEWTON: It is said that Pythagorus — upon making a great discovery — exclaimed “Eureka” and then sacrificed one-hundred oxen. Now… say I did that?

KLEM: Did what?

NEWTON: Hypothetically, say that I, Sir Isaac Newton, after having a great discovery, shouted “Eureka” and then I slaughtered one-hundred animals. Would that be beyond forgiveness?

KLEM: One hundred? 

NEWTON: One hundred. 

KLEM: Catholicism teaches us that nothing is beyond forgiveness.  

NEWTON: Nothing is beyond forgiveness? Even 100 oxen? Hmm. Perhaps I should’ve done more sinning. Well Father, as you know I’ve been guilty of more than a few sins— pride, arrogance, attempted murder and alchemy — but to be more specific I’m also guilty of: Missing Chapel. Eating an apple in his house and on his day. Eating the Lord's Supper with unwashed hands. Shouting at strangers during my time in Quarantine. Sticking a sewing needle into my eye socket in an attempt to alter the shape of my eyeball and—

KLEM: You what?

NEWTON: I stuck a sewing needle into my eye socket.

KLEM: Why?

NEWTON: Because I thought it would let me see cool new colors. Obviously. Please no more interruptions or I’ll be forced to start over. 

KLEM: Not washing your hands. Eating apples. The eye thing. I’ve got it. Keep going.

NEWTON: Squirting water on Thy day, o lord. And then denying that I squirted.

Caring for worldly things. Using cheat codes in order to obtain unlimited simoleons in Sims. Going straight up Goblin Mode for months on end. Negligence of the chapel. Avoidance of Self-Care in favor of the emotional burden of friendship. Hopeless longing for the unrequited love of a man I no longer know. Sending Meriwhether into the shed while knowing full well what awaited him. Urging Abraham to attend my favorite play. Lying about the true shape of a horse after receiving unkind criticisms on my charcoal sketches. Assisting Benjamin Franklin in his crimes. And… neglecting to pray on your day oh Lord. Yes, I think that’s it. Unless you count petty theft.

KLEM: They do. 

NEWTON: Then we’ll add Petty Theft to the list as well. So… how much would you say I owe God for all those sins?

KLEM: Eh, let’s go with sixty-nine hailmary’s.

NEWTON: Nice. Tell me, Klem, do you maintain a Sin Catalog of your own?

KLEM: Sure. Who doesn’t? Disembodied spirits aren’t the only ones up late at night thinking about all the mistakes they made in the past.

NEWTON: True. I do remember feeling like shit most of the time while I was still alive.

KLEM: All these sins, these little things are symptoms of your big thing. You worry too much about being right. About being perfect… as if that exists. You give yourself plenty of credit, sure. You take pride in what you do… but you never give yourself any slack. Maybe… just… give yourself a break. Allow yourself to be wrong even if you’re right. And allow yourself to forget about all the old stuff. Don’t get caught up in all the terrible things you think you’ve done in the past or you’ll miss out on being a good person today. ‘Truth is found in simplicity. Not in the multiplicity and confusion of things.’

NEWTON: That’s me.

KLEM: Yes.

NEWTON: You’re quoting me to me. Well played. I speak many languages… English, Latin, Greek… you could’ve communicated this truth to me in a number of ways, but you chose facts. I respect that. So, Klem… what sins might we find on your list? 

KLEM: Gluttony. We can go with that one for sure. Eating donuts when I say I’m not eating donuts when I know I’m not supposed to be eating donuts. Losing my faith. Lying to my congregants so that they don’t lose theirs.

NEWTON: ‘No great discovery was ever made without a bold guess.’ Do you know who said that?

KLEM: You.

NEWTON: Correct. I said that. And I’m saying it again now, because isn’t that all faith is? A bold guess. (beat) You believe you got a peek at the answer to your life’s question, but perhaps that wasn’t the true final test…  maybe that’s why you didn’t see the answer you expected to see. 

KLEM: Yeah, maybe.

NEWTON: I want you to know that when you’re ready… if you’d like… I can help you find a ring of your own.

KLEM: Eh, I appreciate the offer, Isaac, but it's a no from me. Maybe one day I’ll feel different. Who knows? Don’t you have regrets about becoming a ghost? 

NEWTON: There have been times I’ve felt lost in the modern world, but no… ultimately I’m grateful for every day I’ve allowed myself to still be here. 

NARRATOR (V.O.): The pair sit in silence for a moment. A man so afraid of death he discovered the key to immortality. And a man so accepting of his fate that he resigned himself to the inevitable blackness of mortality. Two men of faith. A Freemason and a Catholic, for a moment, trading places.

NEWTON: Sorry to have interrupted your train of thought. Please continue with your Catalog of Sins.

KLEM: Father Klem’s Catalog of Sins. Uh… laziness. That one probably fits. And uh… I also shouted “What the fuck!? when Chris Tucker found Danny Devito during the Season Finale of Celebrity Hide-And-Go-Seek with Jane Lynch. 

NEWTON: Well that makes perfect sense—

[SFX: Three knocks. The WORSHIPFUL MASTER re-enters.]

WORSHIPFUL MASTER: Hey, Klem! There’s some guy named Ben outside. He said he drove you here. You know that’s against the rules.

KLEM: (to himself) Benny, you were supposed to stay in the car. 

WORSHIPFUL MASTER:  He wants to know if you’re in here eating donuts.

[MUSIC: Forgive Me! end credits music begins to play.]