Episode transcript - “The Pranking Priests of St. Patrick’s”

ADAM: Forgive Me, April Fool’s Day Special: The Pranking Priests of St. Patrick’s

[SFX: Fr. Klem opens the door. It’s raining outside, and comes into the apartment in a huff.]

FR. BEN: Oh, hey buddy, what’s got you so down?

FR. KLEM: I swear, my whole day has been one giant piece of bull schnitzel after another, Benji. It’s like God Himself’s got it out for me!

FR. BEN: I thought you didn’t believe in Him anymore.

FR. KLEM: I don’t. But I figure, if I’m actually cursed with luck this bad, then maybe I’m wrong and he’s popped his little head outta the clouds long enough to teach me a lesson.

FR. BEN: (chuckling) That’s certainly one way to have an epiphany. What happened?

FR. KLEM: Everything’s been tits up since the sun came up. First, I went to take a shower, but noticed that I’d somehow misplaced my bar of Scottish Autumn. I figure, hey! That’s no problem. That’s why I always buy enough for a small army. But when I went into the drawer where we keep them… it was empty!

FR. BEN: I mean, I have left plenty of other soap in there that you’re more than welcome to use…

FR. KLEM: Bah! Don’t get me started on that goat’s milk nonsense. I’ve seen how much you pay for a single bar of those things. It’s wasteful.

FR. BEN: Hey, there’s a reason my skin’s baby soft and you’re plagued with mysterious blotches. Sometimes, the premium’s worth it. Plus, I got that from Berta down at the farmer’s market. It’s a local family that runs the business, the Deekman Daughters.

FR. KLEM: (grumbling) Sure, it’s good for the community, but if you ask me it smells too funny. I’d rather smell like the strong musty scent of the old country.

FR. BEN: Aren’t you German?

FR. KLEM: Da! But I don’t mean the mother country, I mean this one. Before everyone got so obsessed with fancy scents. When we could all purchase our bulk soap products for very cheap and no one would get judgy at the supermarket check out.

FR. BEN: So, you had to use some nice soap for once. I’m so sorry for you. What happened next?

FR. KLEM: I don’t much appreciate your tone, now, Little Miss Sassafras… But then, I got to that luncheon you sent me to, for the local Tenderfoot Rangers? And all they were serving were these terrible Impractical Poultry sliders and air fried chickpea fries. As if it wasn’t just falafel hiding behind a different, more trendy name!

FR. BEN: You know, I’ve actually had those patties at a few different spots around town now, and I’ve always been very surprised by how convincing they are!

FR. KLEM: Of course you have, you’re an idiot.

FR. BEN: And that tofu aioli they have on there? I’m kind of addicted, if I’m being honest. Wait— what’d you just say?

FR. KLEM: Nothing. But the thing that really wrecked my day? Was swinging by the Home this afternoon. Lisa told me there was an Above Anchor marathon all day in the lounge, but it was actually an Rockefeller Law marathon, and while I love those silly little alcoholics, there’s something about witnessing shenanigans on a cruise ship that really holds the attention, you know?

FR. BEN: I’m sorry, Klem, but what you’re describing to me sounds like a really wonderful day in my book…

FR. KLEM: Yes, I know, we’ve already established the fact that you’re a bit of a dolt, my boy. This day? It was the shittest of shits. It sucked. Everything that could have gone wrong, did. And the worst part is? Now that I’m finally home, I can’t even comfortably wash the stink of this day. Because today stinking wrong is what started it all in the first place!

FR. BEN: Gosh, when you put it that way, I guess it was pretty awful after all…

FR. KLEM: And don’t think I don’t smell what you have cooking in that oven. Vegetarian butternut squash lasagna, again?

FR. BEN: How can you be so sure that it’s vegetarian? Who says it isn’t just loaded with ground beef?

FR. KLEM: This nose? She’s not failed me once. Not in my life.

FR. BEN: You said you thought it was delicious the last time we had it!

FR. KLEM: I mean, I wouldn’t go that far. What I said was that it didn’t taste like sour milled paste. A far less flattering comment.

FR. BEN: You’re welcome for making you dinner, I guess?

FR. KLEM: (beginning to snicker) April Fool’s!

FR. BEN: Wait, what! You’re not pranking me, I pranked you!

FR. KLEM: As if that wasn’t the most obvious gambit in the world! I figured that out hours ago. You think you could actually pull one over on me? I found my soap stash in your sock drawer. And I saw the real flyer for the vegan barbeque with those hippies a week before you even mentioned it over at Pat’s. And your little gamble with the Old Folks Day Warden? As if I don’t know the terrestrial cable schedule for the Presto channel like the back of my liver spotted hands. No, I knew the perfect way to get back at you was to make you feel bad about it!

FR. BEN: Aw, farts! I really thought I had you this time!

FR. KLEM: (chuckles) Don’t worry, my padawan. You have many more centuries of April Foolsing to catch up with me. And besides, that Rava cheese you have in the fridge? I replaced it with actual mozzarella hours ago. You’re at least not tricking me to go full vegan for an entire day!

FR. BEN: You’re kidding me.

FR. KLEM: When it comes to cheese? I don’t lie.

[SFX: Fr. Ben opens the oven and takes in a deep breath.]

FR. BEN: Damn. You really are good.

FR. KLEM: The best.

[MUSIC: Forgive Me! End credits theme plays.]

ADAM: Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written, directed, and dialogue edited by Bob Raymonda.

Here’s our cast in order of appearance: 

Josh Rubio as Father Klem

Casey Callaghan as Father Ben

Sound design, score, and mixing by me, Adam Raymonda.

Episode Art by Jack Marone

Graphic Design by Sam Twardy.

Find out what we’re up to by following @forgivemeshow on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

And with that… we’re back! For now. This first minisode of 2025 is here to officially announce that season 4 of Forgive Me is officially in production. We’ve completed scripts and casting for twelve brand new episodes that we couldn’t be more excited for. But we need your help! Today, we officially launched our Indiegogo campaign in order to get this thing up and running for real. If you’ve got a few bucks to spare, check out the link in our show notes for more information.

See you all soon! Thanks.