Episode transcript - “ANYTHING INTERESTING?”
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Season 3, Episode 13: Anything Interesting?
[SFX: We open in a place nearly identical to episode 1.01 as we hear Margaret, once again huffing and puffing a bit as she opens the screen and sits down in the confessional.]
MARGARET: In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been one week since my last confession.
FR. BEN: May the Lord bless you. What would you like to confess today?
MARGARET: Just the usual, dear.
FR. BEN: (warmly, this has clearly become routine) Hey Margaret, what week is it? Gum and condoms?
MARGARET: Christmas in heaven, Father! You know that was last week.
FR. BEN: Was it? Sorry, the days have been kinda blending together lately.
MARGARET: I’ll let it slide. Father Klem does always say you’re easier to distract than a golden retriever.
FR. BEN: He said that to you?
MARGARET: Anyway, I was back to stealing the value size tissues this week, rounded out the cycle.
FR. BEN: And how did penance go?
MARGARET: Oh, fine. The youth center certainly appreciated the condom donation plus it’s on the same bus route as Burger Bros and they just make the best fries.
FR. BEN: Margaret, I don’t think that’s w…
MARGARET: I don’t want to hear it! I know the doctor said to watch my sodium intake, but a fry or two isn’t going to kill me, and even if it did, it’d be well worth it. Plus, I’m fairly certain the charity work negates the salt.
FR. BEN: I don’t care about the fries.
MARGARET: (being performatively obtuse) Now I don’t know what to think. I hear you’re basically Father Klem’s private chef and yet you’ll let me die in a pillar of salt? How poetic. We’re all sinners Father, even you!
FR. BEN: What? Margaret, I think you know I’m trying to ask you about Mitchell.
MARGARET: Who?
FR. BEN: Mitchell.
MARGARET: I know a lot of Mitchells.
FR. BEN: You’re killing me.
MARGARET: Alright, in the interest of making my bus, yes I wanted to see that young man. He seems to be doing quite well. I saw his pin said “Junior Manager” on it.
FR. BEN: That’s great to hear. Glad he seems to be making the most of the situation.
MARGARET: As am I. That said, he could do to train his staff what a person means when they say mustard on the side. They put mustard on just one side of my burger! Who does that?!
FR. BEN: How did it feel to see him?
MARGARET: Nice try, Father, but we’ve only got one minute.
FR. BEN: (sighs) I’ll get you one day, Margaret. So penance…
MARGARET: I’ve been thinking and I would like to help spruce up the garden around St. Patrick’s.
FR. BEN: I think that’s a lovely idea, Margaret. Great idea for penance.
MARGARET: Wonderful, then I guess you can say the act of…
FR. BEN: Plus the youth group is looking for new volunteer events they can support, and this seems like a perfect chance for them to get to know a fixture of the community better.
MARGARET: I don’t think that’s a great…
FR. BEN: I believe you have 30 seconds ‘till you need to be out the door?
MARGARET: Alright, fine… Deal.
FR. BEN: Perfect.
[SFX: Curtain opens and shuts as Margaret leaves.]
FR. BEN: (to himself) Annnnd 5pm. Thank you, Lord.
[SFX: Screen opens again as Ben gets up to leave the sound of him bumping into Brett.]
BRETT: Hi Father, are you leaving?
FR. BEN: Hi Brett. Yeah. Sorry, confession runs from 3 to 5 on Wednesdays. I do a later one tomorrow if you’re around.
BRETT: I hate to ask, but would you be able to squeeze one more in today? Roger’s got us doing a ground breaking on the new lounge tomorrow night.
FR. BEN: Sorry Brett. Any other night I’d say yes, but I’m meeting some folks all the way over on Cayuga Lake for dinner and need to…
BRETT: I promise it’ll only take a few minutes.
FR. BEN: (laughing) I’d think you know my confessions better than that by now, Brett.
BRETT: (chuckling too) I’ll be brief if you are.
FR. BEN: Alright, alright, you’ve got me convinced. Would you mind if I take your confession as we walk to my car?
BRETT: I’d prefer the confessional.
FR. BEN: Oh… I see. Well, okay. It’s your confession and whatever makes you most comfortable.
BRETT: Great.
[SFX: Confessional screens open on both sides and the two men sit back down.]
BRETT: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been two months since my last confession.
FR. BEN: Has it really been that long?
BRETT: (jokingly) I’ve been busy, what can I say?
FR. BEN: (warmly) What brings you back to confession today, Brett?
BRETT: Gosh, you know Father? It’s funny, I’ve been planning to find the time to confess for a while but kept putting this off, debating whether I needed to or not.
FR. BEN: I’m glad you came in, Brett. Confession is always a great place to work through those kinds of things.
BRETT: I appreciate that, but honestly it’s pretty clear to me that this is a sin, and you’ll probably consider it a fairly big one. If you don’t mind me being direct and just telling you.
FR. BEN: It’s great you were able to reflect on this yourself, and I do think ripping off the Band-Aid is typically the best way to confess.
BRETT: I burned down the A of A Lounge and Bowling Alley.
FR. BEN: (not hearing him initially) See! I think it’s great you were able to come out and say it directly. Often we think our sins are so big, and in fact they’re totally normal things like… Wait… Did you just say…
BRETT: Yup, it was me. I burned it to the ground.
FR. BEN: Wait you… But… You burned down the A of A Lounge?!
BRETT: And bowling alley, but yes it was me. Darn, you’re right, Father. Ripping the Band-id off was the way to go. I’d been holding that in for too long.
FR. BEN: I… I don’t understand.
BRETT: It’s like you just said: I needed to just let it out, and I feel better.
FR. BEN: No, not taht! Well, I mean, yes, I get that my own confession tips work. I mean, I don’t understand how you were the one to burn down the lounge.
BRETT: And bowling alley.
FR. BEN: Sure, but… Why? How? Brett, what the hell?
BRETT: Sheesh Father, language. This is a church. Anyway, I can absolutely explain. A little absolution joke there.
FR. BEN: Very original. Please explain.
BRETT: Really? I thought I was on to something there… Anyway, sure. So, I’ll be honest, but you’re not going to like this… This is all because of you.
FR. BEN: What? How?
BRETT: Well, you, the liberal media, and anyone else who's probably being funded by George Soros I guess, but I don’t think I would have had to go to such an extreme if it wasn’t for you specifically.
FR. BEN: I’m not following.
BRETT: (sighs) Father, you’ve been brainwashing this quiet, happy community with your evil mainstream liberal BS ever since you got here, and I couldn’t stand for it anymore.
FR. BEN: I hardly think my preaching could be considered brainwashing.
BRETT: I hardly think it could be called preaching.
FR. BEN: I see…
BRETT: Right, well, when you first showed up I certainly thought you were fine, if a little long winded. Then slowly, but surely, I noticed you injecting your politics into services.
FR. BEN: Preaching is always personal, but I don’t believe I spoke on things far outside of what’s in the Bible.
BRETT: It started with little things like a sudden focus on words like Empathy and Charity. Not to mention your entire homily on the whole “Blessed are the poor” thing.
FR. BEN: That’s not even controversial. It’s literally from the Gospel of Luke.
BRETT: No need to show me so much beattitude. Get it? Since that’s one of the beatitudes?
FR. BEN: I get it.
BRETT: Yeesh, tough crowd. Anyway, I figured we could deal with that much too. Roger was already done with you, though. He wrote like thirty letters to the bishop who said he “understood our concern, but there weren’t enough priests as it is, and you were still learning.”
FR. BEN: The bishop really said that?
BRETT: Down on high from Syracuse itself.
FR. BEN: Good to know I guess…
BRETT: Yep, he’s always been a good, conservative man. Anyway, we figured we could put up with your youthful energy until we went to Sue Thompson’s memorial.
FR. BEN: Bill’s wife? I forgot you all came in full regalia. I remember Bill wasn’t too pleased to see you.
BRETT: He wasn’t a fan of the literature we kept mailing to his house for his daughter, but it’s our responsibility to make sure parishioners don’t burn in hell for their sexual deviancies. Especially with a dearth in spiritual leadership from your office.
FR. BEN: What happened at the funeral Brett?
BRETT: Like I said, we came in spite of tensions between us and the family. Given Mrs. Thompson’s contributions to the church, particularly the stunning naval models that grace the narthex, Roger felt it was only appropriate that true seamen were there to send her off.
FR. BEN: I see, and what did I do that was so awful?
BRETT: It was your homily. Unbelievably you went to that sacred pulpit and read her words.
FR. BEN + SUE THOMPSON: “And finally, I would like to thank the Lord for my daughter, Shannon. She is, beyond a doubt, my greatest joy and accomplishment. We used to sing “this little light of mine.” I loved the message of that song, knowing someday she’d leave home and need to keep the light she cultivated safely here, shining despite the cold world beyond. Little did I know how hard her home and this community would try and be the ones to put it out and that cold world helped her shine brighter than I knew was even possible. Shannon I am so deeply proud of you and am beyond thankful to be your mother. You are and always will be my light and fuck anyone in this church if they try and blow it out today.”
BRETT: A cuss! In a funeral homily! And then your pretty blatant pro-gay agenda seeping into the cracks in our already breaking foundation.
FR. BEN: Your lack of empathy is deeply concerning.
BRETT: This chapter is a conservative men’s organization, and for eight years in a row we’ve lost numbers. Eight!
FR. BEN: I know other chapters of the A of A and they’re not all nearly this militant, and, frankly, I wouldn’t even say they are all that conservative anymore. Some of them literally just do charity work… Maybe your group should consider catching up with the times.
BRETT: What? We should give up our values? You know, Father, we actually had that discussion. Right after that homily. And it scared the crap out of me. Poor Roger was so dejected he actually suggested focusing on less divisive work.
FR. BEN: It sounds like Sue Thompson’s message was getting through to him.
BRETT: It sounded like we were being cornered and slowly killed off because of what we believed. You know what else Luke’s beatitudes said? “Blessed are you when men hate you, and when they exclude you and revile you, and cast out your name as evil, on account of the Son of man! Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets.”
FR. BEN: Brett, the message of this passage is about a fundamental belief in God, not your stance of whether somebody’s daughter deserves grace, acceptance, and love. The Bible’s pretty clear on that.
BRETT: A convenient interpretation. MINE is that the righteous only benefit from struggle, and I knew if that struggle was truly great we would be rewarded by both God, the community, and our insurance policy many times over.
FR. BEN: You decided to burn down your own lounge—
BRETT: and bow…
FR. BEN: (interrupting impatiently) and bowling alley for the insurance money?
BRETT: Not just for the financial return, but the spiritual return as well.
FR. BEN: What do you mean?
BRETT: Our values are under attack, that much has been clear for years, but the people in this town are literal. They need to see our values burning to understand they need to be defended.
FR. BEN: Wait, like a false flag thing?
BRETT: I wouldn’t put it so militaristically.
FR. BEN: Didn’t you just use the word attack?
BRETT: Ok, fine. Yes, it was a false flag.
FR. BEN: So… to make sure I’m clear: you thought it made more sense to commit arson and what sounds like insurance fraud rather than opening yourselves up to other people?
BRETT: I don’t think we’re the first people to choose to die and rise again in the face of persecution.
FR. BEN: You’re really going to use that line in the middle of a church.
BRETT: Alright, fine, but yes I decided to burn it down in order for it to rise again like a phoenix. Wasn’t all that complicated, really. I went to get a drink from our renovated kitchen during that fateful meeting after Mrs. Thompson’s funeral and knew I could make a plan work. I just needed an event.
FR. BEN: Wait! It was you who convinced Father Klem the festival had to come back, wasn’t it?!
BRETT: Excellent memory! That was hardly my fault. I think a stiff breeze would’ve blown all those donuts back onto the church lawn, but I did set things in motion. Just a hint to him saying,
BRETT: (in flashback) “Father, I have to say I’m so glad you’re doing well. I hope we can bring back the festival to honor you this year. My son Andrew has still yet to learn how to properly eat a boston creme and I told him you’re the master.”
FR. BEN: (remembering) He was fantasizing about custard for weeks after that conversation.
BRETT: Exactly! He’s smarter than he lets on, but the man loses all sense for donuts.
FR. BEN: (putting it all together) I wound up putting the festival committee together just to shut him… make him happy. Oh my god, you and Roger were the first people to volunteer. He had me so convinced this was because you wanted to do that “guess your weight” booth.
BRETT: Actually, Roger had no idea. I respect him, and he’s the perfect face for the Armada, but he doesn’t have a fraction of the backbone to pull something like this off. He was genuinely excited to guess people’s weights.
FR. BEN: That… checks out.
BRETT: He played his role perfectly without even knowing it.
FR. BEN: How so?
BRETT: That night at the committee meeting, I prayed those adulterers Joe Walters and Lexi would be there to talk donuts, and God answered. Roger got into it with Joe saying:
ROGER: Is there really not a single donut shop in this area that isn't connected to this adulterer and his humiliating family?
BRETT: After you calmed the tensions down I meekly suggested as an apology they could use our kitchen to cook. Roger was appalled, but he’s an easy dog to get to come to heel.
FR. BEN: You put Lexi in that kitchen so signs would point to her?
BRETT: Not real signs, but enough for Roger and other… similarly minded people… to be convinced. See Father, I honestly think it’s best there is some split opinion on whether this was arson. They may not be talking to you about it, but some folks are definitely thinking St. Pat’s is covering things up for a powerful judge and his sinful daughter.
FR. BEN: I wonder where they got that idea…
BRETT: (smugly) Who can say?
FR. BEN: (muttering to himself) This is so insane…
BRETT: It really is, isn’t it? I haven’t had the chance to talk this much about it before and I have to say, even I'm impressed that I was able to pull it off.
FR. BEN: But wait, I saw you… The day of the festival, you were facepainting. There’s no way you could have started that fire.
BRETT: Yes, my final stroke of genius: the fire itself.
FR. BEN: I don’t know if I’d say genius…
BRETT: Agree to disagree. First thing I needed to do was get the building emptied out. See Father I am nothing if not a fierce defender of the sanctity of life.
FR. BEN: Sure.
BRETT: I volunteered my son, Andrew, and a few of his friends to schlep the donuts up to the festival grounds from the lounge. About a hundred yards. Perfect job to keep him busy and also one he was guaranteed to skip out on the second he had the chance. I told his girlfriend's mother about the festival but gave her the wrong time by about an hour. Once she arrived, it was all but a certainty Andrew would forgo any of his responsibilities to run off to their house for some alone time with Tanna. Boys will be boys, eh!
FR. BEN: I don't think I get why you needed to do that?
BRETT: I needed the event to be going on long enough for Lexi to count on Andrew to deliver the donuts, but for him to totally disappear at a certain point, forcing her to deliver them herself.
FR. BEN: That left Lexi out of the kitchen so the fire could start.
BRETT: Exactly!
FR. BEN: That still doesn’t explain how you started the fire.
BRETT: Three words: Smart. Gas. Range. I got a notification from the security camera that Lexi had left to deliver her donuts and immediately cranked the heat up to a maximum. It’s an extremely powerful range, so you can imagine the flame had the oil bubbling and smoking in less than a minute.
FR. BEN: Good Lord.
BRETT: (excited)This is where things get really brilliant though, as the oil heated past its smoke point, the plumes rose until they hit the detector on the ceiling. See, normally, this would either just beep or trigger some kind of foam, but I convinced Roger it’d be cheaper and more effective to install water sprinklers throughout the Lounge and Bowling Alley.
FR. BEN: Which means…
BRETT: Which means this angry, bubbling, smoking hot oil splashed out of its frying pot and right onto the other burners I’d remotely activated. The fire was roaring within minutes velvet curtains, E-Z-Guy recliners, (gets emotional) and even the Rush Limbaugh Memorial Bowling Lane were engulfed in flames.
FR. BEN: I don’t think it’s appropriate for something on church property to be named after…
BRETT: I just told you how I magically burned down an entire building and that’s your takeaway?!
FR. BEN: I mean, I’m sort of over the shock of you burning it down, but naming something on church grounds after one of the most prolific bigots of the last hundred years is a lot to take in!
BRETT: It wasn’t even officially named after him. Roger just had the plaque made after he kicked the bucket. Can I finish my confession, please?
FR. BEN: Fine, go on.
BRETT: Thank you. Well, as you know from there, everything burned to a glorious crisp, yet there were so many potential onlookers that calls to the fire department came quickly enough that nothing unnecessary burned.
FR. BEN: (sarcastically) How thoughtful of you.
BRETT: I thought so too! Once that was taken care of, all that was left was the sowing of discord.
FR. BEN: Sowing of discord?
BRETT: Yup. As I expected, my wife's idiot cousin Ted, the town fire marshall, missed any and all signs of foul play.
FR. BEN: That’s concerning.
BRETT: Still, I knew I could count on our beloved Supreme Admiral to see through the smoke to the true culprit.
FR. BEN: He figured you out?
BRETT: No, no, I mean the spiritually true culprit. All those assholes in this community who degrade us and push us toward being a rainbows and butterflies pagan church instead of what Catholicism is really all about: cold, blind, and terrified faith in a cruel and hateful God.
FR. BEN: So by that you mean…
BRETT: The Walters family and a few others we didn’t care for were publicly interviewed by the authorities.
FR. BEN: You mean that private eye.
BRETT: We worked with what we had.
FR. BEN: That was a pretty cruel thing to do to those people, not to mention the PI who I saw your friend Roger harassing the other day.
BRETT: Oh, please! They had it coming! All these years being such visible faces in the parish despite their sins. Joe and Darla gave us such crap over the years especially. And that private investigator and her assistant? They were all too quick to take this case, thinking they were using US for money.
FR. BEN: Meanwhile, you were sending them on a wild goose chase around town creating the impression there were several reliable suspects.
BRETT: That was all Roger! He paid them out of pocket. Nothing about that is tied to me, even if I gave him a suggestion or two for his list of suspects.
FR. BEN: (sarcastically) How comforting.
BRETT: I did actually have a small panic when the assistant figured out I used the sprinklers to start the fire. Still, Roger was so worked up about how they hadn’t talked to all of our suspects yet, I knew it was only a matter of time before that whole investigation blew up. Was a lucky two for one that Roger didn’t shut it down until after the whole town saw her talking to the Walters girl at Pat’s Diner.
FR. BEN: That’s really twisted, Brett.
BRETT: Gotta crack some eggs to make an omelet!
FR. BEN: Not always the most heartening phrase to hear during a confession.
BRETT: I know, I know. But it was effective. We’re up to twenty members! Actually growing. People do not like that there is a conspiracy afoot and want somewhere to point the fingers.
FR. BEN: You can’t… That is…
BRETT: That is a miracle, Father. And one that was inspired by you. We have a growing community of men who are united in their faith both in Christ and in some light conspiracies, not to mention a new state-of-the-art lounge with a built in HD projection wall, improved central air for the summer days, and (gets emotional) two bowling lanes!
FR. BEN: Brett… I have to ask.
BRETT: Yes?
FR. BEN: Why did you come here and tell me this?
BRETT: Well, like I said, I wasn’t sure at first myself, but then I realized that I did need to confess.
FR. BEN: But you don’t sound remorseful. I really don’t think I can absolve you.
BRETT: Oh Father, I knew you’d say that. I thought about finding a way to go to Klem, but I figured he might actually tell the authorities. You, on the other hand, know spilling the beans would mean your job, and it’s pretty clear to me you like doing it.
FR. BEN: Uh huh.
BRETT: Anyway, I realized that based on the circumstances you’d have to absolve me.
FR. BEN: How do you figure?
BRETT: Well, I do feel bad about the damage I caused and I do feel badly that I resorted to such a drastic measure. And I’m confident in my belief that I would never burn down the A of A Lounge and Bowling Alley again. Some of the other stuff that you seemed to care so much about? I’m not confessing to that because I don’t feel those were truly sinful.
FR. BEN: Brett, you know, I’m not usually in the business of telling people how to experience their faith, but I have to be clear: you committed a hell lot more sins than you’re claiming you confessed and you should be ashamed of yourself.
BRETT: And will you absolve me of the ones I am confessing to? You have no case not to, and it’s your job.
FR. BEN: I… You’re right.
BRETT: Wonderful. Thank you, Father.
FR. BEN: Now, I don’t think you deserve it, and I think you’re intentionally ignoring the worst of your sins, but I will absolve what you claim remorse for.
BRETT: In choosing to do wrong and failing to do what is good, I have sinned against You whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with Your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, suffered and died for us. In His name, my God, have mercy. Amen.
FR. BEN: Through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
BRETT: Amen.
FR. BEN: Now for penance…
BRETT: Sorry Father, gotta jet! Maybe next time.
FR. BEN: Brett, wait you have to…
BRETT: Thanks again for the talk! God bless the seal of confession right?
[SFX: Screen opens and shuts]
FR. BEN: Buhhhhhhh….
[MUSIC: Musical segue to the final scene]
[SFX: We hear the sound of footsteps on a path and the sound of a door opening. As the door opens we hear the gentle chatter of a high-end restaurant where Ben is meeting some friends. He walks up to the maitre de stand.]
HOST: Good evening, sir. Do you have a reservation?
FR. BEN: Hi, um, I’m actually meeting some people he….
SYDNEY: (from across the dining room) Ben! We’re over here!
FR. BEN: (to the host) Looks like they’re already seated, thanks.
[SFX: Ben walking across the restaurant to sit at the table, pulls up a chair.]
FR. BEN: Hey, sorry I’m late.
LUKE: Just glad you could make it.
SYDNEY: Hope you don’t mind we started without you. No point in being on the Finger Lakes unless we’re drinking wine, right?
LUKE: (laughing) The Napa Valley of the mid-Atlantic!
FR. BEN: Hey, Olivia.
OLIVIA: Hi Father, good to see you.
FR. BEN: You too.
OLIVIA: Long day at the office?
FR. BEN: Got held up at the confessional.
OLIVIA: Anything interesting?
[MUSIC: Forgive Me! end credits music plays.]
ADAM: Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written and directed by Jack Marone and Bob Raymonda.
Here’s our cast in order of appearance:
Ann Rhodes Sweet as Margaret
Casey Callaghan as Fr. Ben
Michael Antico as Brett
Barb Benincasa as Sue
Bob Raymonda as Host
Zach Valenti as Luke
Lauren Shippen as Sydney
Emily Elizabeth as Olivia
Script editing by Jordan Stillman.
Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda.
Sound design, score, and mixing by Adam Raymonda.
All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.
Season three of Forgive Me! Would not be the same without our Executive Producer Curtis Dibrell Jr.
Find out what we’re up to by following @forgivemeshow on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter
This season we’ve got a 13-episode Patreon-exclusive series called Confessions with Klem! Our Patrons will get a glance into the secrets of the St. Patrick’s community with everyone’s favorite witty nihilistic Priest.
In this week’s episode, we hear Roger stop by to come clean about the recent incident in the church parking lot:
FR. KLEM: You absolute Kotzbrocken! To punch a holy man, to harass those women.
ROGER: Well yes… that’s why I’m here.
FR. KLEM: Well!... Good, that makes sense. First sensible thing I’ve seen you do in weeks you arsch mit ohren.
ROGER: What does that one mean?
FR. KLEM: I called you a “butt with ears”. Any objections?
To get access to this Patreon-exclusive series as well as an ad-free version of our feed, become a supporting parishioner over at patreon.com/roguedialogue. That’s patreon.com/roguedialogue.
Did you enjoy season three? If you are - follow it on your favorite podcast player. If you REALLY enjoyed it, rate and review it on Podchaser or Apple Podcasts.
That’s all for now! But don’t you worry, thanks to your generosity during our season 3 crowdfund, we have bonus episodes that will be released monthly throughout the rest of the year. Check back soon to see what Fr. Ben gets up to next!