Episode 2.08 transcript - “CONFESSIONS BY USHER”

ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Would not be possible without our generous parishioners.

[MUSIC: Bouncy strings and percussion play underneath.]

We’d like to thank Milli Bayley for offering to paint a new portrait of Father Ben. We’re not exactly sure why you drew him with so many muscles, or why he has horns coming out of his head, but otherwise, the details are absolutely indistinguishable. Incredible work!

We’d love to shout out Ember Kabbes and her two brand new baby girls. We know you’ve got a way to go until you can all go home, but are sending you all of our love as you continue to live it up in the NICU.

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[MUSIC: The Forgive Me! theme song plays on church organ.]

[SFX: Footsteps approach. The curtain to the confessional slides open and shut.]

FR. BEN AND STEVE: In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

STEVE: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been over a year since my last confession.

FR. BEN: Welcome back. What would you like to confess today?

[MUSIC: A loud, drum beat hits before driving, intense strings begin to play.]

STEVE: Father, I'm ashamed to admit this, but I've been a part of a dark, twisted game for far too long and it's time I take accountability.

FR. BEN: Goodness. That sounds serious, what kind of game?

STEVE: It's a funny question. I'm not sure. Sun Tzu called it the Supreme Art. Steinbeck called it a failure. For me, it began as a surprise... a sudden inspiration.

FR. BEN: Sun Tzu? Are you talking about war?

[MUSIC: Drumbeats and keyboards are added to the song.]

STEVE: In a sense yes, but is it war if you're the only one who knows it's a battle? The only one smart enough, cruel enough, to continue conquering when everyone else only sees peace?

[MUSIC: The song briefly stops.]

FR. BEN: Can you be more specific on what you're talking about here?

[MUSIC: The song starts up again with even more intense drums and strings.]

STEVE: Of course, my apologies. I was just musing. Like a new emperor, looking out at the kingdom he burned to the ground in order to make it his.

FR. BEN: Go on.

STEVE: Father, I'm talking about my dismantling of the Organization of Ushers here at St. Patrick's in order to gain control over the whole enterprise.

[MUSIC: The song comes to a rousing conclusion.]

STEVE: This is Steve by the way.

FR. BEN: What? I don't... Steve. St. Patrick's doesn't have any official Organization of Ushers.

STEVE: (SIGHS) Your order does a fantastic job maintaining the church and facilitating mass, but there are aspects of any community you aren't privy to. Just because it isn't under your purview doesn't mean it's a lawless place free of hierarchy.

FR. BEN: I understand that, Steve. I guess I'm just a bit surprised.

STEVE: Why?

FR. BEN: As far as I'm aware the ushers here at St. Patrick’s are just some helpful dads who show people to their seats and pass the collection baskets. What'd you do to this group of people?

STEVE: I can see how you'd think that, of course. Power within an organization like this is subtle. It exists within the power grabs, like, who will be Lead Usher for Christmas Mass? Who takes collection down the center aisle, and who's relegated to the sides? Who gets to put the tiny "reserved signs" on the seats so their disgruntled mother-in-law has a prime spot for the communion line? I'm ashamed to admit I RIPPED this brotherhood from its roots and SHOOK it until finally, one day, all these questions had ONE answer: ME.

FR. BEN: What exactly happened? How'd you do this?

STEVE: It all started 20 years ago.

FR. BEN: (RESIGNED, UNDER HIS BREATH) Of course it did.

[MUSIC: The bounce strings, strings, and keyboard begin to play.]

STEVE: My family had just moved to the area and attended mass for the first time. I, unfortunately, had the bladder of a child at the time and thus needed to use the bathroom.

FR. BEN: I mean, if this was 20 years ago, you didn't just have the bladder of a  child. You were one, right?

[MUSIC: The song stops again after Ben’s question, before starting up again.]

STEVE: Yes.

FR. BEN: Ok then. Go on.

STEVE: Well, my unfortunate bladder required me to go to the restroom during service where I'd encountered a group of very serious men who'd greeted me, sipping cups of coffee and playing cards, just outside the door.

[SFX: We hear someone shuffling and dealing a deck of cards.]

FR. BEN: Really? They were playing cards during mass?

STEVE: See, this is what I'm talking about. Just because it's part of a service doesn't mean it's within your domain. Yes, they were, just as they continue to do to this day.

FR. BEN: They do? I mean I don't think the point of volunteering as an usher is to have an excuse to play cards during the service.

STEVE: (INTERRUPTING) I had the same feeling then, so I confronted these men, saying…

YOUNG STEVE: Mother says games are for after mass.

STEVE: And, with a cool confidence that can only be ascribed to an usher, old Javier Rodriguez turned to me and said…

JAVIER: Son, this is how we pray. When we're working before and during mass it is prayer. When we take our break and enjoy our time, that's prayer too.

FR. BEN: Well, that's not...

STEVE: From then on, I knew the best thing you could be here was an usher.

FR. BEN: So that really spoke to you then?

STEVE: Absolutely. And eighteen years later, after the loss of the great Mr. Rodriguez...

FR. BEN: He passed away?

STEVE: No, no, he just moved to a town outside Pittsburgh after retiring. It's more of a communal and cultural loss when a great usher moves away like that. They really set the tone of the whole church.

FR. BEN: Gotcha.

STEVE: Anyway, that November it was with a renewed sense of hope that I approached the remaining ushers of the 5pm service and expressed my desire to join their ranks.

FR. BEN: What'd they say?

STEVE: Mr. Donaldson looked at me blankly for a couple moments, likely convening with the Lord to determine my worthiness, then said the words that'd help me achieve dreams I didn't know I had and cause untold destruction in the process.

FR. BEN: Okay then.

STEVE: He said,

CARL: Do you have a suit? Looks nicer if we match.

STEVE: I was in. I still am thankful to Mr. Donaldson, and I perhaps regret crushing him most of all.

FR. BEN: Alright Steve, I'm sorry but what are you talking about? Carl Donaldson is a happy old man who is still an usher at 5pm mass.

[MUSIC: The jazzy, sinister music begins to play again.]

STEVE: Exactly my point father. He’s kind, sweet, and an absolute dolt. The kind of man who's beyond content to sit in his swamp of mediocrity and smile like he’s at Buckingham Palace. I left him in my dust the first second I got.

FR. BEN: And how did you do that?

STEVE: You see, the greatness and power of the usher organization revealed itself to me a few weeks later when I attended midnight Christmas mass. It's something I wouldn't expect you to have seen either, blinded by your pulpit.

FR. BEN: What are you talking about? I know all the ushers from different masses tend to participate in these big services.

STEVE: Exactly! Next to the Easter Vigil, it was the most glamorous event on the entire church calendar. After excitedly getting ready and making my way here, I found myself amongst not four but twelve ushers.

FR. BEN: And this was exciting, to realize there were more ushers?

STEVE: At first, sure, but then I was hit hard in the face by the words to come out of his mouth.

FR. BEN: Whose?

[MUSIC: The percussion stops as we hear chimes with Brian’s name.]

STEVE: Brian Walker. Small claims attorney, father of two, and the best damn usher I've ever seen. Brian, with a calm that made Mr. Donaldson look like an emotional child, turned to the other ushers and simply said…

BRIAN: 8am will hand out programs. Our crew will handle the main jobs and 5pm... I guess you could mind the perimeter?

FR. BEN: Mind the perimeter?

STEVE: Yeah he basically told us we'd been turned from ushers into glorified security guards. That whole time I'd been thinking I was looking to get on a platform, but really I'd only touched the bottommost rung on a ladder of power with Brian Walker at the top.

FR. BEN: I'm guessing that was pretty jarring for you.

STEVE: Mr. Donaldson didn't mind. He didn't care at all that the 5pm ushers were the laughing stock of the church: standing out in our winter jackets like damn fools as the elite ushers got all the glory. I decided to sneak back in to watch the service. It was then I realized being an usher is more than just a lifestyle; it's an art form.

FR. BEN: What do you mean?

STEVE: I don't know if you remember but that young bell ringer, Aidan, had a public diarrhea accident in the middle of mass that evening.

FR. BEN: (MUTTERING) How does this keep coming up in confession? … Yes, I remember.

[SFX: We hear someone crossing a busy church, determined.]

STEVE: Well, Brian handled that situation with the deftness and composure of a surgeon. As the explosion rang out, echoing through the church, he swooped in with such confidence. With a smile on his face he escorted that boy from the church, moving just slowly enough that everyone could get their laughs in, but just quickly enough that the smell wouldn't linger.

BRIAN: C’mon, Aidan, I think I’ve got some tums for you in the other room.

FR. BEN: That sounds a lot more cruel than kind.

STEVE: It was incredible, and it was in that moment I knew my destiny. It should be me, not Brian, escorting that soiled adolescent from the altar.

FR. BEN: So from there you just started going to the 11am service? I know I've seen you attending then.

STEVE: If only it was that simple... I did walk away from 5pm mass, leaving Mr. Donaldson to rot on that deserted island of a church service but the next Sunday after Christmas, I put on my suit and went to 11am with that very intention, only to find myself immediately blocked by him.

FR. BEN: Brian?

STEVE: He had this smug smile on his face when I walked up like, "Oh, here comes another one," and you know what he said?

FR. BEN: What?

BRIAN: What’s your name again? Don't you usher at 5pm mass?

FR. BEN: What's wrong with that?

STEVE: Total power play. Basically said, "Hey aren't you that serf? What are you doing in my castle?"

FR. BEN: I guess that's one interpretation

STEVE: I said I'd come hoping to help out and he says…

BRIAN: Thanks so much. We have plenty of ushers today, but you can help hand out programs.

FR. BEN: I take it that frustrated you?

STEVE: It was WAR then, Father. To diminish my role like I was some nun during communion? I wouldn't have it.

FR. BEN: Steve, that's no way to talk about the Catholic Sisters. Couldn't you have just shown up earlier the next week?

STEVE: The damage was already done, Father. I'd have to climb the ladder another way, by stepping on others.

FR. BEN: Ok so what'd you do?

[MUSIC: Heist style music begins to play over the ensuing montage.]

STEVE: There were already four regular guys, which was Brian's "ideal crew number." So, I knew my best bet was to pick them off one by one, until it was just me and HIM.

FR. BEN: It wasn't enough to just convince one of these men not to usher anymore?

STEVE: No, it was a bit more complicated than that. I didn't only want to replace Brian and whichever other guy was in my way that week. I wanted to bring in a whole new regime so I could start over from scratch.

FR. BEN: I see. And how did you accomplish that, exactly?

STEVE: I had to get to know them so I could destroy them. Their names were Paul, Andrew, Nathan, and, of course, Brian. I started with Andrew, who was easily the weakest link. Loved to chat. Clearly in it for the social life.

FR. BEN: (CHUCKLING) Connecting with your community is a great reason to participate with mass. How does that make him weak?

STEVE: Nothing wrong with it. But if you're gonna play in the big leagues, at 11 am, you can't expect everyone to have your best interests in mind.

FR. BEN: Go on.

STEVE: I learned about him over a couple weeks at the post-service social hour. Discovered his hope and dreams over chocolate donuts. You see, he has a passion for building birdhouses, which I could easily use against him.

FR. BEN: How could you possibly leverage that against him at mass?

[MUSIC: The heist music continues to grow as Steve tells his story.]

STEVE: In a small town like this? You think there's a big chance to connect with people about something like that? It was too simple. Binghamton has a weekly arts and craft market and you'll never guess when it is.

FR. BEN: (HALF-HEARTEDLY) Sundays?

[MUSIC: The song slows down and becomes more emphatic, before ending at the end of Steve’s next line.]

STEVE: That's right! He showed me some of his work and with one innocent suggestion, I ensured Andrew's moderately profitable side hustle would ERASE any chance he had at being an 11am usher ever again, the poor fool.

FR. BEN: Honestly, Steve, that sounds like a very nice thing you did for him.

STEVE: It's hard for someone on the outside to understand.

FR. BEN: If you say so.

STEVE: With Andrew out of the way, I was able to show up the next Sunday and was in. Paul tried to make the case for his brother, but Brian, the fool, actually stuck up for me since I showed up 90 minutes early.

FR. BEN: And your next move was to take him down?

STEVE: Yes. Which was a lot easier than I expected. Paul and his brother were big hunters but had both run out of tags for the season. Otherwise, they never would've been to mass on a Sunday morning like that.

FR. BEN: I take it you rectified the situation?

STEVE: That I did. Now, I've never personally had a taste for killing, but in this area? It's always a good idea to keep up a license. If only because there's plenty of venison to go around for whoever's willing to share their extra tags.

FR. BEN: That sounds questionably legal, but I'm sure was otherwise appreciated.

STEVE: And mutually beneficial, if you'd believe it! I've been eating jerky for months now.

FR. BEN: And how did you manipulate Nathan into abandoning his post?

STEVE: (UNDER HIS BREATH) I did what I had to do.

FR. BEN: (SARCASTIC) That doesn't sound concerning at all...

STEVE: (GOOD HUMORED) What? Oh, no. Nathan's fine. I was just trying to pick a piece of broccoli out of my teeth… With him, all I had to use was the enduring power of Catholic guilt. I'm sure you're familiar with the concept?

FR. BEN: I've heard of it once or twice.

STEVE: We go way back, Nathan and I. Old family friends, actually. His grandma and my pop are both in the same home. So I just so happened to know that he hadn't been to visit in a few months...

FR. BEN: I think I see where this is going.

STEVE: I let him know…

[SFX: Cars drive by in the distance.]

STEVE: (FAR OFF, AS A FLASHBACK) I was just over at St. Anne’s visiting my great Aunt and ran into your grandma. She told me she’s been missing you.

STEVE: He melted like butter, right then and there.

NATHAN: Aw, man. Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve made my way out there to see her. My mom’s been on my case about doing that ASAP.

STEVE: Why not go right now? I can take care of the 11 am.

NATHAN: Seriously? That’s so nice of you! I think I will.

[SFX: One last car zooms by.]

STEVE: Decided to skip mass and drive out there to be with her. Goes every week now at this time, to the mass that Fr. Klem does there. Like clockwork. Which just left me and the big kahuna himself.

FR. BEN: Ok, so what happened here? I'm starting to realize that I actually haven't seen Brian in a few weeks either.

[MUSIC: Dark, foreboding strings begin to play as the music starts again.]

STEVE: I broke his interest and ability to participate in the church. Tore him down by finding his weakness.

FR. BEN: This sounds like it's getting dark, Steve.

STEVE: It is and I'm sorry. For the next few weeks, I learned about Brian. The man liked to talk.

BRIAN: You know how much money I’ve sunk into the Syracuse District Match Play Championship this year?

[SFX: Brian continues to talk in the background, but it’s muffled and you can’t make out quite what he’s saying.]

STEVE: Mostly about golf, and people who are professional golfers and bets he made on golf, BUT every now and again he'd reveal something about his life I could use.

FR. BEN: Like what?

STEVE: I learned he and his wife aren't together anymore for one.

BRIAN: Yeah, my wife and I split up a year ago. Getting myself out there has been pretty tough! Especially now that I’m in my 40s.

STEVE: That dating has been hard for him in his 40s for another. And, most importantly, that he's a fan of salsa dancing.

[MUSIC: The song stops being foreboding and turns into a fun, playful salsa before ending.]

FR. BEN: Why is that important?

STEVE: Because of where I work. I'm an office manager at my cousin Kelly's small downtown studio. She's an impressive woman, always looking for new clients, but has one fatal flaw.

FR. BEN: How is this relevant?

STEVE: She's a Lutheran.

FR. BEN: I don't think I'm following.

STEVE: Don't you see! It was the perfect scenario for me to pair these two up, so she'd make him come to her church, you know the one down the street with the whimsical name?

FR. BEN: The Church of the Ascension?

STEVE: Ha! Yes, that's the one. Oh Lutherans and their holier-than-thou parishes. Anyway, I set a plan in motion by inviting them both to play doubles tennis with me.

FR. BEN: Just the three of you?

STEVE: You're catching on. We arrive at the court and I pretend to get a call from my partner.

[SFX: We hear the buzz of a cell phone getting a text message and the din of the outside world, tweeting birds, .]

STEVE: Oh gosh Adam. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve got food poisoning! Darn, Brian, Kelly.. It looks like my doubles partner just canceled. Maybe you two can play singles instead?

BRIAN: I don’t see why not.

KELLY: Uh.. sure.

FR. BEN: And that... worked?

STEVE: Not immediately... but I did notice Brian suddenly dropping by the studio a couple times a week.

[SFX: The flashback shifts and a door opens.]

KELLY: Welcome back! I’m so glad you could join us again today.

BRIAN: I’m happy to be here! I just hope you’re not too sick of me yet.

KELLY: (Flirty) Not quite yet. Ask me again tomorrow.

FR. BEN: How does this end in him no longer coming to St. Pat’s?

STEVE: My cousin Kelly, she's a sweetheart, but she's had some terrible luck when it comes to the men in her life. From one dead-end relationship to the next. Put two and two together, and those two kids might just become an item.

FR. BEN: So, let me get this straight: The only things you're confessing to are helping two people find fulfillment through their hobbies, bringing another closer to his grandmother, and setting two more up in a relationship?

STEVE: I think what I'm confessing to is severing these people from their service as an usher.

FR. BEN: Steve… well, I don't know what to say here. You're certainly right. The church teaches that a good action with bad intentions is a sinful one regardless of the outcome. How are you feeling about it?

STEVE: I feel... well... bad. I've reached the pinnacle of my vocation but in a way that seems... impure.

FR. BEN: That's understandable. You know we haven't spoken much but you seem like a very thoughtful person. It makes me question the reasons you said you want to be an usher.

STEVE: What do you mean?

[MUSIC: Thoughtful Forgive Me! ending music begins to play with twinkly guitars and a droning note.]

FR. BEN: You mention this idea of relaxing playing cards and looking the part, but I feel like it's the acts of service you get most excited about. I mean, if you wanted to have more of a rotation in the ushers at major masses there were much simpler ways to do this. You read people and what they need, and for the most part, help them get it.

STEVE: Now I'm not sure I get your point.

FR. BEN: We already established your issue is just with intentionality. I think you need to pray and reflect on your vocation.

STEVE: I'm not giving up being an usher.

FR. BEN: I don't think you should! I think being an usher fits you well, I just hope you'll begin to do it with the intention I see inside you in the first place. Service, thoughtfulness, and kindness.

STEVE: What about these guys I stepped on to get here?

[MUSIC: Keyboards begin plunking a melody and acoustic guitars and drums join in.]

FR. BEN: It seems to me like these men had a plant that you replaced with flowers. Sure, you shouldn't have acted with malice, but if their lives are fuller this way it isn't something worth interfering with.

STEVE: I guess that's fair enough.

FR. BEN: So it's settled then. Unless there are any other Machiavellian schemes you have for me?

STEVE: Thanks Father, but that's all for now…

FR. BEN: Anytime Steve. See you on Sunday, and I'll be on the lookout for any hidden decks of cards.

STEVE: We'll see about that.

[MUSIC: The music cue ends before the credits music start to play.]

Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written and directed by Jack Marone and Bob Raymonda.

Here’s our cast in order of appearance: 

Jack Marone Steve
Casey Callaghan Father Ben
Julian Danner Young Steve
Giancarlo Herrera Javier Rodriguez
Josh Rubino Carl Donaldson
Alexander Danner Brian
Jeff Van Dreason Nathan
Emily Battles Kelly

Script editing by Jordan Stillman.

Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda.

Sound design, score, and mixing by me, Adam Raymonda.

All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.

Find out about we’re up to by following @forgivemeshow on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

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We will be back soon, for our Christmas episode! See you soon!

[MUSIC: A singer says, “Oh, won’t you forgive me?” as the end credits music rings out.]