Episode 2.07 transcript - “CODE BLUE”

ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Would not be possible without our generous parishioners.

[SFX: We hear the sound of crickets in nature before cats begin to meow.]

We’d like to commend Jordan Stillman for spearheading the donation drive for the feral cat community that lives behind St. Patrick’s. We’re staring down the barrel of a long Upstate winter, and we know that every one of them will make it through thanks to your tireless efforts!

[Musci: Bouncy swing music begins to play.]

We’d also like to thank Leslie Gideon for hosting an Anime marathon for the St. Patrick’s Youth Group. As hip as Father Ben likes to pretend that he is, there’s no way he could go toe to toe with our kids on My Hero Academia trivia like you can.

Become a part of our community over at patreon.com/roguedialogue

[MUSIC: The Forgive Me! theme song plays on church organ.]

[SFX: We hear the revving engine of a speeding car.]

FR. BEN: For the last time, will you slow down?

FR. KLEM: Haha, sorry, kid! I'm loving the fresh air blowing through the windows. Stop complaining about a free ride!

FR. BEN: This is my car!

FR. KLEM: Hey, it's your fault we are going to this nightmare in the first place.

FR. BEN: Are you ever going to stop complaining about this?

FR. KLEM: You should know me better than that by now.

[SFX: The car screeches around a corner and Ben slams up against the dash.]

FR. BEN: (RATTLED) Jesus in heaven. Look, it's great for Clara that she took over leading the youth group. The least we can do is show up to support her.

FR. KLEM: Who are you talking about?

FR. BEN: You're kidding me. You have got to remember Clara.

FR. KLEM: I can't say that name rings a... bell.

FR. BEN: (SIGHING)

FR. KLEM: (LAUGHING) Get it! Bell?! Hoo, oh man. Oooh, I am.. I am a kidder.

FR. BEN: Hilarious. I don't know why you're even annoyed. All you've gotta do is eat pizza while I take confession.

FR. KLEM: (CHUCKLING) You dug that grave for yourself.

FR. BEN: It'd be a whole lot easier if you'd actually help, but regardless, I think it's important to engage the youth of the church.

FR. KLEM: (YAWNING) You're gonna make this old man fall asleep at the wheel with all that self-righteous talk.

FR. BEN: Give me a break Klem. The way the church numbers are dwindling and the horrible things the clergy has done, it's kinda up to good priests like us to change the narrative, don't you think?

FR. KLEM: Ah yes, noble Ben! Fixing the world by forgiving one preteen for playing pocket pool at a time.

FR. BEN: Please! It's 2021. Teens these days are dealing with complex moral issues far more important than that...

[SFX: The car screeches to a halt.]

FR. KLEM: Aaaaand we're here.

FR. BEN: (PANTING) Thank the Lord we made it alive.

[MUSIC: We hear the loving dings of mellotron and a single cord of guitar as we shit inside.]

[SFX: The gym doors open and close. We hear kids playing basketball in the background.]

[MUSIC: Muffled instrumental pop punk plays in the background.]

JEREMY: (SHOOTING A BASKET) Steph Curry!

TANNA: Hey! Pass me the ball! No, over here!

CLARA: Where in damnation have you been? I told you specifically to be here at 7:30 and it's already 7:50.

FR. BEN: I'm sorry Clara. We got caught up on our way out the door.

FR. KLEM: He means to say that he got caught up debating whether or not to wear sneakers to appear more relatable.

FR. BEN: Oh come on, Father.

FR. KLEM: As you can see he chickened out and went with the shoes. I believe I was told there would be a pizza?

CLARA: Oh, of course, pastor. I ordered a pie with olives just like you asked

FR. KLEM: Any slices taken?

CLARA: Not a one.

FR. KLEM: Works every time. Well! That’s my cue. Your holiness, come get me when we're ready to head out please.

CLARA: (WISTFULLY AS HE WALKS AWAY) Such an incredible man.

FR. BEN: He's… certainly special. Are we ready to go?

CLARA: Ready to go… ready to go?!

FR. BEN: Yeah? For confession?

CLARA: If you'd actually arrived on time we could've been. At 7:30, we would've done confession right after dinner, which means the kids would've had to sit in reflective SILENCE immediately after eating 8 slices of pizza, which means they would've had at least a slim chance of going to sleep tonight. Now for the last 20 minutes they've been playing basketball and shouting out these names I've never heard and saying things like "swag" and “Gucci” and “Yeet” and, and it's all just too much!

FR. BEN: I'm sorry Clara. I didn't realize how tight of a schedule you were on.

CLARA: It's ok. It's alright. You're here now. If Jesus taught us anything, it's sometimes you've gotta wait for the beautiful man to return.

FR. BEN: Alright then, can we just get started?

CLARA: Yes, um one second.

[SFX: Clara clicks off the stereo and the music stops.

CLARA: SILENT REFLECTION TIME!!! Everyone find a spot for themselves on the floor.

[SFX: The teens groan in unison.]

MILO: Oh, come on!

CLARA: No complaining. Our young, hip priest Father Ben has kindly agreed to come and provide the Sacrament of Penance. Now, I want you to think about all of the horrible, terrible, and just awful things I'm sure each of you have done and we'll call you in to confess your sins one at a time.

FR. BEN: (TRYING TO INFLECT A MORE YOUTH PASTOR VIBE) Hey you guys, it's, uh, super cool of you to let me hang out and chat with you tonight. I know some of you have already done confession, but if you haven't, it's a, um, righteous thing where you get to talk to God about life and how to be a better person. It's totally chill if you're nervous, but remember it isn't a big deal and everything you say is between you and the big guy upstairs. I'm just here to uh... help you pass the basketball God's way. Sound good... fam?

[SFX: There is complete silence. One kid coughs.]

CLARA: (PROJECTING HER VOICE) Alright! Thank you, Father, for that embarrassing speech. Find a corner of the gym to sit by yourselves. IN REVERENT SILENCE.

[SFX: The kids grown as the shift around the room. Tanna laughs. Someone opens a gatorade.]

JEREMY: Ugh, I hate silent reflection…

CLARA: I said by yourselves Andrew and Tanna. Hey, is that a Gatorade bottle, Jeremy? You know that’s contraband! We'll call you in one at a time to confess. SO please think of all your regrets. I'll put on something relaxing to help you reflect.

[MUSIC: Clara puts on meditative bell music.]

JEREMY: (SIGHING) Every time.

FR. BEN: Was my speech really that bad?

CLARA: Oh no, it was perfectly fine. Teens are just vicious, horrible little creatures and putting you down makes me look cooler to them.

FR. BEN: Got it. Thanks for throwing me under the bus.

CLARA: (IGNORING HIM) So, we have this little room over here with a divider.

[SFX: Clara opens and closes a temporary curtain.]

CLARA: As the kids come in, you'll be on the other side, and, of course, I'll be sitting just over here, making sure you don't try anything.

FR. BEN: Excuse me?

CLARA: Hmm?

FR. BEN: I mean Clara, given the horrible men that have joined the priesthood, I appreciate your concern, but I hope you know I'd never do anything to put these children in harm's way.

CLARA: Oh, certainly, I know that... but also, how could I possibly know that, you know what I mean?

FR. BEN: (INITIALLY OFFENDED, THEN AGREEABLE) That's... you know honestly that's fair, Clara. But I was actually going to suggest we do this at one of the tables in the corner of the gym, no need to come into a private area.

CLARA: Oh, stop it. You may be second from God inside the walls of the church but here? This is my domain and I want these hormonal monsters to get an authentic confession experience.

FR. BEN: Alright, sure, that's fine.

CLARA: Plus I spent $67 on these noise-canceling headphones so I could sit here and not hear a thing.

FR. BEN: You've got it. I'll find my spot. Let me know when we're ready.

[SFX: Clara walks back toward the kids.]

CLARA: I'll call the first child in... MARIA, CONFESSION TIME!
(RUSTLING WITH HER THINGS AND SITTING DOWN)
And now I'll just get my headphones on and...

[MUSIC: Muffled, corny music can be heard out of her headphones.[

[SFX: There's the sound of a curtain as Maria walks in.]

CLARA: PERFECT, MARIA, THANK YOU FOR JOINING US. YOU JUST SIT OVER THERE. FR. BEN IS BEHIND THAT CURTAIN. WAVE TO ME WHEN YOU'RE DONE.

[SFX: Maria sighs and sits down. There's a moment of silence as she shifts around in her seat.]

FR. BEN: Hello?

[SFX: More silence.]

FR. BEN: Um. Is somebody there?

MARIA: (SIGHING) Yeah.

FR. BEN: Oh, ok, great. It's completely alright to be nervous. Is there something you'd like to confess today?

MARIA: No.

FR. BEN: Hmm. So you don't want to confess anything?

MARIA: Nope.

FR. BEN: Ok then…

MARIA: So can I go?

[SFX: A chair pushes back and we hear footsteps as she walks away.]

FR. BEN: I guess so? I mean confession can be a great way to talk things through and connect with God...

CLARA: BEN, SHE LEFT.

FR. BEN: Yeah, that makes sense.

CLARA: CAITLIN, IT'S YOUR TURN!

[MUSIC: More instrumental pop punk music begins to play underneath the next few confessions.]

CAITLIN: What's up, Father?

FR. BEN: Nothing... much. Is there something you'd like to confess?

CAITLIN: I don't know. I can't think of anything super bad that I did.

FR. BEN: This is just a space for you to clear the docket. Sometimes getting out the little things can be just as refreshing as the really big stuff.

CAITLIN: Yeah, alright, let's see... Well, I've been calling my little brother vomit boy lately.

FR. BEN: I can't imagine he likes that very much.

CAITLIN: I mean, he's a baby and is always covered in throw up, so I think it's a pretty fitting description.

FR. BEN: Still, it's best to show our younger siblings we love them, especially at that age.

CAITLIN: Yeah, I guess it's disrespectful. So I'm sorry God or whatever.

FR. BEN: That's good of you to admit. Why don't you try and come up with a loving nickname that celebrates his positive qualities?

CAITLIN: Sure, I can try...

FR. BEN: I think that's a good goal, for now. Say two Hail Marys and send in the next person.

[SFX Caitlin walks away.]

CLARA: Tanna!

[SFX: We hear Tanna laugh in the distance.]

CLARA: TANNA! GET AWAY FROM ANDREW AND GET CLOSER TO GOD!

ANDREW: See ya!

[SFX: Tanna approaches.]

TANNA: So, I painted my dog’s toenails the other day and I'm feeling kinda bad about it.

FR. BEN: Can you do that?

TANNA: Like, is she alright?

FR. BEN: Yes, I can't say I know whether that's cruel or not.

TANNA: I mean it doesn't hurt them, but from a style perspective it's pretty cruel.

FR. BEN: Can your dog tell?

TANNA: I don't know. English bulldogs always look a bit unhappy, that’s just like, the way their face is, but I think old Spike doesn't love the pastel lavender I chose for him. And really, he should get a say.

FR. BEN: That doesn't sound so bad, I guess.

TANNA: It's pretty great honestly. LIke, he looks so cute, like so cute, like, oh my gosh.

FR. BEN: Maybe just find a more complementary color for him next time?

TANNA: Cool, will do.

CLARA: ANDREW, YOU'RE NEXT!

[SFX: The curtain rustles again as Tanna leaves and Andrew arrives.]

[MUSIC: The first song ends and another pop punk song plays, this time on an acoustic guitar.]

ANDREW: Hi Fa… I mean Forgive Me Father, for I have sinned, yadda, yadda, yadda…

FR. BEN: What would you like to tell the Lord, today?

ANDREW: Well...

FR. BEN: You don't have to be shy about it.

ANDREW: So, uh, the thing is, I did kind of convince this kid in my class to poop on our teacher's chair.

FR. BEN: (HOLDING BACK A LAUGH) Why would you do something like that?

ANDREW: Honestly? I don't know. Mr. Lombardi is actually really nice, but it was hilarious so I couldn't help myself.

FR. BEN: You realize how badly that probably made him feel. Don’t you?

ANDREW: Yeah, I know. I do feel bad about it.

FR. BEN: Then it's good you confessed, then. Did you tell Mr. Lombardi the truth about that day?

ANDREW: No chance, dude! I mean… Father. You think I want detention?

FR. BEN: It'd help unburden you to help your friend get out of trouble.

ANDREW: By putting myself in trouble? No thanks pops, I'm good with just God.

FR. BEN: Don't you want to be absolved?

ANDREW: See ya!

CLARA: BYE ANDREW... OK JEREMY, GET IN HERE!

[SFX: The song ends as the curtain rustles and Jeremy enters.]

JEREMY: Hi Father. It's been 6 months since my last confession.

FR. BEN: What would you like to confess?

JEREMY: I'm sorry God! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to disgrace you.

FR. BEN: (CONCERNED) Hey, hey it's ok. Take a breath. What happened?

JEREMY: It all started about a year ago and... it's horrible. It's gotten so out of hand and I... I'm just so sorry.

FR. BEN: What got out of hand, Jeremy?

JEREMY: I never meant to hurt anyone... I always thought this was victimless...

FR. BEN: Jeremy, Jeremy, It's going to be alright. It's good you've come to talk to God about whatever's going on.

JEREMY: Alright... Ok, I guess I should start from the beginning?

FR. BEN: Sure, however you want to confess.

JEREMY: So... do you know the music video for Olivia Newton John’s “Physical?” I think it came out when you were a kid.

FR. BEN: I’ve seen it, but how old do you think I am? That video came out before I was born.

JEREMY: Yeah, so they’re, they’re working out. And then they’re sweaty, and then the water, and then I… It made me feel... new things.

FR. BEN: Yep. Sounds about right.
(UNDER HIS BREATH)
Code Blue.

JEREMY: I honestly didn't know what I was doing. It all just happened so fast. I began to reach down to my...

FR. BEN: That's enough, Jeremy! Sorry to interrupt you.

JEREMY: Pants. I was gonna say pants.

FR. BEN: I just want to ask what exactly you're concerned about, so you don't need to explain in detail.

JEREMY: (EXASPERATED, ASHAMED) Yes! The sin of lust! Masturbation!! I’m sorry, I”m so sorry!

FR. BEN: Hey, hey, Jeremy, listen. What you're going through is completely normal.

JEREMY: Is it?

FR. BEN: Look. I know this stuff is confusing, and sometimes the church gives mixed signals. But do you know what they told me about this in seminary when I was training to be a priest?

JEREMY: What?

FR. BEN: Once a day, like a vitamin.

JEREMY: Really?

FR. BEN: Yes. It's healthy and normal to have desires and even to act on them as long as you maintain respect… So, given that we've established you're not doing anything wrong. Is there anything you'd like to confess?

JEREMY: No! Thank you, Father! I think this helped?

FR. BEN: Good.

[SFX: The curain rustles again.]

[MUSIC: Bouncy, driving strings begins to play before piano and drums overlay over it.]

CLARA: JACKSON!!

FR. BEN: What would you like to confess?

JACKSON: So, I was in my parents’ attic and I found something called a magazine? Like a bunch of papers stacked together, but not a book.

FR. BEN: I'm familiar with the concept, yes.

JACKSON: Well it had these pictures, and…

FR. BEN: (SIGHING) Code Blue.